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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that leaving two kids in a separate hotel room is foolhardy at best, negligent at worse

99 replies

stupidis · 05/05/2019 11:29

ExDH has contact with kids (6 and 8) once or twice a year, totally by his choice.

Just too them to Thailand on holiday for 2 weeks. He sent a photo while he was there, among others of kids in a flash resort room, saying they had a room to themselves.

I replied, 'that looks nice, who is staying with them at night?', to which he replied, 'it's an attached room'. Meaning interconnected lockable door. I was a bit hmmmm about that, but didn't say anything.

Evidently much of the holiday was paid for by industry suppliers who he does dodgy dealings with to get him and them more money from his employer. (don't ask, whole other story of his bad ways) and some of their employees were also on the holiday, along with him, his missus, our two kids and his parents.

His parents had left by the time it came to this accommodation.

Now the kids have been home a week and said today in passing about their hotel room that they had to themselves that was ages away from their Dad's and that the neighbouring room was occupied by an accompanying male employee.

That Dad would stay with them to get them to sleep, then leave then in the mornings they would watch TV after they woke up until Dad's wife rang them and told them to get ready for the day and that they would come get them etc.

I am fucking infuriated on all levels - in case of emergency fire/terrorism etc, in case the neighbour is a paedophile, just in case they woke up scared/sick.

Do I just let it go, or do I let him know I know and it is entirely unacceptable and he won't be taking them away again until he can prove that this won't happen or they are old enough (teens) to stay by themselves?

Also, my youngest told his babysitter that his Dad's wife pulled and twisted his ear every time he was naughty........i was already fuming about that, but this takes the shit cake.

OP posts:
adaline · 05/05/2019 12:26

@IsYourGoogleBroken no they don't.

Children have the right to access with their parent, not the other way around.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 12:42

If it was an interconnecting door and your Ex was in the next room, that would be fine.

This was quite different and they next to a colleague they dont know.

I would be absolutely fuming about it and refuse a future holiday without proof he had better plans.

Pure negligence on his part. Is the wife from a foreign country? That ear twisting is common in parts of Africa and Asia. I saw teachers do it when I was at school in an African country and I've seen parents do it as well. It's ridiculous.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 12:44

Madeleine McCann was the first thing I thought of!

Me too. Pure negligence.

SaltSpoon · 05/05/2019 12:45

Did the kids have a good time?

stupidis · 05/05/2019 12:45

Sandy, yes she is Somalian.

OP posts:
YetAnotherThing · 05/05/2019 12:46

I would also be anxious they were not otherwise being well supervised (around a pool etc) too

stupidis · 05/05/2019 12:48

Salt yes on the whole they did, and I know that nothing did happen and I am grateful for that.

OP posts:
stupidis · 05/05/2019 12:49

Yet - this terrifies me every time, even though they're good swimmers.

OP posts:
stupidis · 05/05/2019 12:58

this is my email and his response. I don't know what I threatened!

Hi Ex,

The kids told me in passing today that they were in a hotel room by themselves overnights, that had an interconnecting door, but that you and newWife weren't staying in that room, and that a C(sp?) was.

They said that your room was a fair way away and that the hotel restaurant was closer than your room.

This is totally foolhardy and negligent on your behalf to leave a 6 and 8 year old by themselves overnight for all manner of reasons - if one of them got sick or scared the least, if there was an emergency such as fire or a break in and also to leave them in the care of a male that they don't know (and I don't even know who he is, or how you know him).

I accorded you the respect and trust of taking the kids on holiday with a vague itinerary and, I called them twice, so you could connect with them unhindered and I generally imagined that you would be more responsible than this.

If you left them like this for that long in home country, you would be committing a legal misdemeanour.

Also, DS's Before School carer contacted me about him telling them that newWife twisted his ears every time he was 'naughty' andIhad to answer to that safeguarding conversation.

I don't want a response as it's happened and been and done, I just want this in writing to you that it is completely unacceptable child caring.

Hi Stupidis,
Here is a response whether you like it or not.

You leave them alone on weekends.
Best friend’s BF(?) has hit DS
I have no idea who he is talking of(?) doesn’t like DD
They are getting two kittens and a puppy.
You feed them yogurt and cereal for dinner because you’re too tired to feed them.

I smacked both of them once for being rude (telling me that I hate them and that’s why you all left me...!!) and pulled DS by his ear before newWife did.
newWife pulled his ear because he wandered off in a mall when I was ill.
Their rooms were always interconnected except for one night where we were diagonally across the hall; and C and P (Thai employees who were our chaperones for the trip) opposite.

Please don’t take everything they say as accurate, as this will open a Pandora’s box of legal issues, which I would happily pursue if you threaten me like that again.

Thanks.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 05/05/2019 13:03

Those blaming the OP can wind your fucking necks in.

OP, I don't know how any of this works, sorry, but can you report him (I don't know to whom) for the safeguarding issue and the physical assault?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 05/05/2019 13:07

Well he has just admitted in writing physical assault by both him and his wife.

InionEile · 05/05/2019 13:09

His response is pathetic arse-covering because he knows he is in the wrong. What does he mean by saying ‘you leave them alone on weekends?’

CripsSandwiches · 05/05/2019 13:13

What if there was a fire alarm? That's bloody ridiculous I wouldn't let him take them away again.

MRex · 05/05/2019 13:13

As @ILoveMaxiBondi says, he's just admitted hitting the kids. So you want to get CAFCAS and your solicitor involved at this point; get statements sorted out and then back to court.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 05/05/2019 13:16

Yes cafcas and solicitor. Don’t engage with him any further.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 05/05/2019 13:17

YANBU. People saying you are at fault obviously believe Court Orders should only be followed if you agree with them! You are between a rock and a hard place. Your ex is a twat and he knew his arrangements were wrong because he lied about them. So speaking to him about not doing similar in the future probably won't achieve much. You will know better than us whether he will be minded to stop the ear twisting
Your children sound capable and resilient (plenty MN DC can't dress themselves at 8 from the way they are described). Surely if their side of the interconnecting door was kept locked the neighbour couldn't open it?
Don't frighten your DC by making too much of this but get some legal advice and go back to court. Let ex know why but I don't think you want to risk him doing this again. A new CO may still give him contact but could hopefully specify some conditions. Then he would face consequences for breaking the CO, not you.

SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 13:23

I smacked both of them once for being rude (telling me that I hate them and that’s why you all left me...!!)
I don't call this being rude. This is what the kids thought and smacking them was a terrible response. Why didn't he explain that he doesn't hate them... that the reasons for the split had nothing to do with his love for them. He's an idiot.

and pulled DS by his ear before newWife did.

So he thinks eat pulling is okay?
newWife pulled his ear because he wandered off in a mall when I was ill

Because this is better than explaining it was dangerous to wander off and not to do it again.

Is your Ex African too?

Your Ex is really something and he sounds so defensive.

Now he's trying to say the kids have got the room situation wrong. Why did the new wife have to ring them to get ready if they were next door?

CarolDanvers · 05/05/2019 13:23

Some of the responses on here are such bullshit. If OP had posted prior to them going, describing her concerns she'd have been told to get over herself and her kids don't belong to her and what a fabulous opportunity this was for them and she mustn't prevent it blah blah blah. She let her children go because she had little choice in the matter, this is in no what whatsoever her fault.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/05/2019 13:25

I totally sympathise with you OP but my DSCs (similar aged to yours at the time) said all sorts of stuff to their mother which she used to go on the warpath to us about even though it wasn't true. The penny finally dropped when she overheard her DD on the phone to my DH accusing her of hitting them (also not true).

I'm guessing it's not true that you leave them alone at weekends and that Best Friend's BF has hit DS?

StealthPolarBear · 05/05/2019 13:26

Op I thibk you need to clarify some aspects of his reply to you.
People seem to be forgetting op is not in the UK as well

Dungeondragon15 · 05/05/2019 13:27

He has admitted assault and admitted leaving them alone in a hotel room. It doesn't matter if it was only one night (and it probably wasn't).
Someone other than you needs to talk to them about this to ascertain what really happened. Don't be scared by his threats. Seek legal advice.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 05/05/2019 13:28

If OP had posted prior to them going, describing her concerns she'd have been told to get over herself and her kids don't belong to her and what a fabulous opportunity this was for them and she mustn't prevent it blah blah blah.

Not by me. Like i said, my children wouldn’t be going anywhere with someone they saw twice a year.

Also The irony of showing a child you don’t hate them, by assaulting them is clearly very lost on him.

“Look how much I love you son.” “now do you feel loved?”

SandyY2K · 05/05/2019 13:35

You leave them alone on weekends.
And he never mentioned this to you before now?

Best friend’s BF(?) has hit DS

And again ad a loving father he never thought to ask you about it.

I think he's lying about that stuff.

diddl · 05/05/2019 13:36

So you now have it in writing that he has smacked them & that both her & his wife pull their ears?

"I can't believe you allowed your children to go on holiday to Thailand with a man they see only once or twice a year."

I agree with this but from the angle of why is it court ordered when he is a virtual stranger?

stupidis · 05/05/2019 13:39

Thank you to all who can clearly see the position I am in, the statements at the top are the things he says the kids have said to him about me and of course they aren't true, (except about the two bloody kittens)

No he isn't African, he has been based in the Middle East for a long long time and it has given him a massive superiority God complex in how he treats other people and women.

We are now back in our home country.

OP posts:
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