To think alot of men still think of women as inequal?

[Moofreemum1]

Reading the relationship boards and it's just shocking the amount of men that abuse women. Whether it be emotional/physical/financial. I just feel they still see as as unequal to them. We should be seen and not heard. They work, therefore we do everything else.
I myself was emotionally/mentally and financially abused. I know he would have gone to physical eventually. I'm 2 and a half years on and I'm so angry at the way he treated me. Usually I'm a strong person who is confident and outgoing yet he managed to chip me down. I will never let another man do that to me again.
Also another thing aside from abuse but think they link is women in the workplace. I get called bossy quite often, but if I man were to be this way it would be accepted more and men would "respect" them for taking the lead. I still feel like there is so much inequality between the sexes and it makes me so angry/sad.
AIBU to think this??

I think a lot of time abuse gets tied to disrespect for women because the latter is deemed more socially acceptable. But that’s wrong. The reason why a lot of men abuse women (but not other men) is because they are gutless, spineless, dickless fools that like to target people weaker than themselves. These same men would happily abuse kids etc if given the opportunity (which is why DV when it occurs rarely just happens to just the female partner; more likely the whole family is directly abused) but society doesn’t like talking about this.

Yanbu. Men are seen as the default human and women are the other sort.

We're shorter, weaker and less aggressive. Or you could see it as there are this other type of human that are freakishly big, strong and have little control over their emotions.

There are still plenty of problems but things are much better than they used to be. Remember that happy women won't be posting about their relationship issues on MN and very few men post on here.

I see it all the time at work. It’s not abuse but it’s disregard. For example when men are talking in the staff room and a woman joins in more times than not they talk over her or just totally ignore the comment she has made. It infuriates me.

@decormad38 Yes the workplace stuff isn't really abuse, more disregard like you say. I've heard men say women clients are useless but actually never heard them say that about a man. I've recently been in charge of a guy and the lack of respect he has for me is shocking, I highly doubt he would be this way with a man.

Yanbu. But there are several points to consider.

First, I do agree there is still a big problem with inequality. And yes women do get called bossy, bitch, hardfaced etc when men displaying the same characteristics seem to be respected for it.

I do also agree with the point, from pp, that the relationships board will have higher problems in relationships. As will mn. It's the nature of the beast. Rarely do people randomly post about good relationships. And when people try and post and uplifting thread, asking people to talk the good relationships theres always someone that comes along and complains people are being smug or not thinking of others.

Yes there is a huge problem with men abusing women. Massive. I also think there is still a huge problem with everyday sexism.

However, as I have got older, I have also noticed that a lot of women do exercise a lot of control of their Male partners too. Not on the same scale, but it's up there.

A woman at work is very smug about herself that her dh, only eats what food she wants, even if he is cooking, can only use which car she doesnt want to use that day, only goes out if it's with her (though she goes out alot alone) she takes his phone and checks it everyday etc.

Also there are quite a man at work who has to share his location and call his wife at set times, at least 3 times a day. He isnt allowed to come to company work events and people treat it like it's a joke ' call him under thumb' etc.

It's a lot of things where I think if a man displayed the same against a woman it would be called abusive and no one would be laughing.

In short, I think men are far more likely to abuse women. There is a massive inequality problem, but I think as a society, control is becoming a huge problem in general. I dont know if it's because I am older, or was in an abusive relationship but I cringe at the way some people talk when talking about their relationship. Part of me thinks it's the social media impact and tech boom. But I am not really sure.

I agree that abuse is about control but also they have a disrespect for women because if they didn't, they wouldn't do it. I think thoughts have moved on through the years but we shouldn't have to fight for equality.

Putthatlampshade
Those men can leave if they are unhappy. The behaviour of their partners sounds like they have trust issues because they have been cheated on or controlled in some way in the past. It may have been by the men they are with now and it's a condition to continue the relationship or it might be completely unjustified.

I have known a couple of men in relationships like this and one had used prostitutes in the past and his wife had been in an abusive relationship before him. Another had a friend who was heavily into drugs and as they had young children his partner wanted to keep contact with this friend minimal.

@HappyPunky Over the years I've heard and seen the results of both men and women domestically abusing their partners of the opposite sex. You understand why domestically abused women don't leave? Then its the same for domestically abused men.

Unfortunately as we have a society that is full of toxic masculinity where women are the primary victims but men are effected as well.

Oh and I work in a male dominated profession. I find it interesting particularly in larger companies how I'm treated. The people in my team respect me as a more experienced women but I often get shit from men over 35. I then frequently find these men have issues with lots of other people. They either are known in the companies to be a-holes or have brown nosed a handful of senior managers.

Yes I know it's a problem both sides but it's not an equal problem and I pointed out on my post that being controlled in a relationship may be a condition of staying - as in she wants to break up because she has been cheated on or is sick of the behaviour and he begs to stay in the relationship and agrees to share social media and hand over his phone.

It isn't actually fair on these women who are in a relationship with a man child who can't control himself.

Men report domestic abuse when women retaliate too. Women put up with it for longer because they're socialised to from child hood.

I think alot of men want to control women, and want women as subjects rather than equals.
It’s only legalisation that stops men being physical with woman but it’s all still there just suppressed

Those men can leave if they are unhappy. The behaviour of their partners sounds like they have trust issues because they have been cheated on or controlled in some way in the past. It may have been by the men they are with now and it's a condition to continue the relationship or it might be completely unjustified.

I am really uncomfortable with posts like this.

I could have left. Except when you are abused you are conditioned to not see it as an option.

I am also really uncomfortable with the 'it's because their partner has past issues'. The abuser might have issues. It's not acceptable to abuse people. It's your responsibility to sort yourself and not abuse people.

I am very uncomfortable with an victim of abuse having it being hinted at that probably they did something wrong to cause it. Or an abuser getting sympathy because their past issues.

I never said it was an equal problem. I said I am concerned that lots of people of both sexes seem to be very controlling. More than I realised before. As I said, it could be that I notice more. But I do think actually, control within relationships is becoming more common.

If your partner has used hookers, the you leave him. You dont then use that as an excuse to abuse and control. A man wouldn't be justified in controlling his wife because she once has an affair.

Men report domestic abuse when women retaliate too. Women put up with it for longer because they're socialised to from child hood

Yes and some women also do this. Maybe do out it for longer and yes the are socialised to accept certain behaviours. Although timelines and stats are almost impossible to prove and lots of guesswork due to the fact that reporting of abuse with Male and female victims is largely under reported.

But as I said, I am concerned about the level of control some people think is socially acceptable, funny etc. That's of both sexes

I'm not religious but it's like the supposed story of Adam and lilith. She wanted to be his equal but he didn't want that and cast her out and then along came eve. I feel alot of men are conditioned to think of us as below them. The women who stays at home to serve them. Obviously now things are changing slowly but I feel men resent us for sticking up for ourselves. I'm not saying all men are this way but a large portion are.

@putthatlampshadeonyourhead I'm sorry if you've been abused. I used it as an example because it's so common for women to be domestically abused rather than the other way. My point is more on equalitity. Women are still not equal and it is blatant.

The two examples I gave - the men wanted to be in the relationships and accepted the control. I don't think it's right but I think it's different to women being lesser people to men.

I was in an abusive relationship for years and it took a lot for me to leave. I did hit him once and he never hit me. His abuse was emotional and financial. He raped me as I was packing up to leave which was the only physical abuse I had from him.

I know how hard it is to leave a controlling relationship but control over men from women isnt based on being a lesser person.

I do think that controlling a man based on a previous man's behaviour is unjustified obviously.

I don’t know any who do, but it just depends on the circles you choose to move in and the people you choose to be friends with.

I grew up witnessing a lot of domestic violence and control, which is the main reason I left home as soon as I could. It’s something I still feel guilty about as I felt I should have stayed to protect my Dad.

I don’t know if there are any service in their area for male victims of domestic violence, there certainly wasn’t when I was a teenager. When I was 19 I managed to persuade my Dad to go to the police, so I turned up when I knew my mother would be at work and drove him there, all three officers (two women and one man), just laughed at him.

It bothers me when in a discussion about abuse aimed at women someone feels they have to say that women can be bad people too.

I'm sorry if you've been abused. I used it as an example because it's so common for women to be domestically abused rather than the other way. My point is more on equalitity. Women are still not equal and it is blatant.

Thank you. And no it's not equal. That's why I said in my first posts there are alot to this.

Equality is a big issue.

Men abusing women is a massive issue.

I think that society in general is becoming more controlling and that lots of control abuse is accepted.

It's all different points. Saying that I have noticed a lot of women, seem to control men and its acceptable or fine. Does not take away from the fact that there is a huge issue with Male abusers or equality.

But as I said, I am concerned that society is becoming very controlling in general. You see it even in parenting. In relationships between adults and their parents. Or parents and their non adult children for example.

While society becomes more and more controlling I dont think we have a hope in hell of stopping abuse.

It bothers me when in a discussion about abuse aimed at women someone feels they have to say that women can be bad people too.

Why? Surely everyone knows some women are bad people.

Abuse is a society wide problem. The reason I raised it is, as i said, i think as a society we are becoming more controlling in general. And that concerns me, for all out children who will one day be adults.

I would like to see abuse stopped. Rather than more men abused to even out.

The women in the relationships you talk about also chose to stay. Stay but abuse someone isnt ok. Regardless of the sex of the people involved.

Those men can leave if they are unhappy

This doesn't sit right with me because when it is said about women it is recognised it is not always as easy as that for a woman to escape an abusive relationship. I know far more women get abused on relationships rather than the other way round, but saying men could "always leave" miniminises abuse to me.

Yes those women chose to agree to the first date. I would have said no to that!!

You're right laguna I didn't phrase it well. The NAMALT thing bothers me and the behaviour described by the poster I was responded to seemed a lot like cheating men being forgiven with conditions.

If they're genuinely being abused they deserve help and compassion.

I agree that there is a mountain of hidden abuse, but I think there are some tiny grounds for optimism compared to the past.
The very existence of online fora such as Mumsnet means that abused women have access to support, information and legal advice etc that earlier generations would not. It is much more difficult for an abuser to isolate their partner than it used to be, again thanks to the Internet. There are women’s refuges, which did not exist when I was young.
We can all play a part in supporting and encouraging women victims of DV to leave, and there are some heartwarming success stories here on MN, where posters have reported “ getting their life back” and enjoying the relief of a safe haven.
Don’t despair, OP - just keep being part of the solution. Role model being a strong confident woman, and help those who are struggling. Stay positive.

We can all play a part in supporting and encouraging women victims of DV to leave, and there are some heartwarming success stories here on MN, where posters have reported “ getting their life back” and enjoying the relief of a safe haven.

This is very true. I felt I couldnt talk to anyone. I posted here several times. With mners support I opened up to a friend who gave me the rl support to leave. Without mn I dont know how long it would have been before I actually felt someone would listen and care.

I am now in my own home, with 2 lovely kids. Mn was the start of that.

YANBU. And it’s not just the abusers, it’s the men who think their time and preferences and interests are just more important than their partner’s. (“DH does his hobby 5 evenings a week but says he can’t manage both children on his own while I go out” and so on.)

Plenty of men would never dream of physically hurting their partners, but still at some level think of them as a cross between a pet and a household appliance.

53rdWay yes. Definitely. It may not be abuse, as such, and the women may accept it.

But it's all part of the social conditioning and equality.