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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask how single mums deal with lack of sex?

108 replies

thinpinkshades · 04/05/2019 18:54

Because I'm struggling. My son is 7 months old. I haven't had sex since I was 2 months pregnant and his dad left us. That's over a year.

I have needs...

How do you cope? My son takes up all my time so it's not like I have a chance to meet anyone...

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 04/05/2019 20:44

I work 40 hours a week I decorate my house in the winter do my garden in the summer

Peachesandcream14 · 04/05/2019 20:47

I'm in a similar conundrum, it's excruciating, I've never been so sexually frustrated in my life. Masturbating several times a day even with fancy toys just doesn't hit the spot. I have no interest in being in a relationship again but I do want some physical contact. No way I'm going on Tinder etc as I have no interest in shagging a stranger, it just seems far too risky. It's proving very difficult to meet men in real life as I have so little time when Dd is away when my only local friend also has a night with her DC away, don't fancy going out alone. I also live with my parents so not bringing anyone back to mine... it sucks. Have tried to rekindle things with an old FWB but again logistics of actually meeting up are a nightmare. I'm only in my twenties and am feeling very stressed that I'll never get laid again!

VeronicaDinner · 04/05/2019 20:51

You can get to know someone on tinder before having sex with them. Just say you are looking for something casual but that you want to get to know them first. Then they won't be a stranger!

LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 04/05/2019 20:52

No sex for 3 years and son is 3.5 years old. Not sure how I feel about it

orangejuiced · 04/05/2019 20:58

Can try a FWB. After a few months of great sex though you may find you're quite attached to him...then you have to move on and stop seeing them. It's a hard one Sad

SimonJT · 04/05/2019 20:59

I have an FWB that really helps, as much as I enjoy having someone to have sex with, the main benefits for me are having an adult to talk to and someone to sleep with, as in, just spending the night next to someone.

ncforthisx2 · 04/05/2019 21:06

I am unhappy in my relationship and not wanting intimacy at the moment, and a couple of weeks ago bought the ann summers rabbit and it pretty much saved my sanity. I felt a lot better and a lot calmer afterwards! I actually think it is also pretty good for keeping the muscles tight, and apparently it is good for sex life generally (even for couples) and has all the benefits of good sex, balancing hormones, good for heart. So if it is just frustration I'd recommend. I thought it would be really seedy or sad but it wasn't either. I guess I only see it as a temporary fix. It has a rotating head plus a vibrating thing!!

I think that there are a lot of men out there who would do FWB it is just a matter of being brave first time if that is what you want.

I really don't, though. I've learned from my mistakes and I know what kind of relationship I am looking for this time, and I think FWB would get in the way of finding that, so the ann summers thing will keep me from going loopy in the meantime.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/05/2019 21:06

Who says single mums/people don't have sex. Confused.
We're living in 2019 not 1920.

You don't have to be married and/or in luurrve or to have sex.

JacquesHammer · 04/05/2019 21:08

Who says single mums/people don't have sex. confused.
We're living in 2019 not 1920.
You don't have to be married and/or in luurrve or to have sex

Think you’ve missed the point. The OP wants sex but at the moment it’s logistically difficult.

megletthesecond · 04/05/2019 21:16

You need to meet adults, without kids in tow, to have even a glimmer of a fling. Something many lone parents can't do.

I have the kids every weekend and am so numb with stress and tiredness I'm barely fit for conversation. Let alone meeting someone.

Justaboy · 04/05/2019 21:17

Seriously it’s not so much the sex but the intimacy you’re probably missing- and a ONS or FWB won’t fix that.

Spot on that. 60 somethig male here and ones does have a sort of FWB that won't go any further and I very much doubt we'd what to be under the same roof anyway but it's NOT just the Sex its as the hightlighted bit above!

Saddinging to read of the people here missing out on contact with others;(

thinpinkshades · 04/05/2019 21:17

@Awwlookatmybabyspider nobody said that though...

OP posts:
Mummadeeze · 04/05/2019 21:17

I have been feeling the same. Am not single but in an unhappy relationship with no intimacy. Glad I read this as am going to invest in a toy now. Having been with one partner for 15 years I am a bit terrified of the thought of sex with a new partner once we finally split up. Don’t know why really. Think my confidence has been knocked really. Sorry I have no advice but I do understand how you feel.

sourdoh · 04/05/2019 21:17

No sign or hint of sex in the 3.5 years since I separated.
Few invites for coffee, couple of attempted hook ups which ended when one guy told me he thought I'd squash him if I ever got on top.

That stung. Still does. I'm so tired of feeling lesser, that my shitty ex's shadow looms large in my life. He refused sex, told me I'd let myself go... then expected me to get over his cold behaviour because it was in the past...🤔

Anyway I'm rambling and feeling sorry for myself.

Hope you meet the right person for you soon OP. I understand x

thinpinkshades · 04/05/2019 21:19

I think I just need a hug. Not from a 7 month old Sad or my mum!

OP posts:
JuniFora · 04/05/2019 21:20

A special friend...

Parent19876 · 04/05/2019 21:24

Just have to chime in,
I'm six months pregnant and haven't had sex since conception.
And i have to say, this post is freaking me out.
I know it's all true, and I'm terrified that I'll never have cuddles again. It's a big pill to swallow.
I have no clue how to even go about meeting people, and i know it will be a million times harder later on.

MakeItRain · 04/05/2019 21:26

I've not had sex for years and don't miss it at all. I love never having to bother! I do get lots of hugs from my children. I'll probably miss that when they grow up and do their own thing. I love living without another adult. Occasionally I imagine dating again but then realise that really I can't be arsed with all the effort and initial awkwardness! I intend to live out my retirement (when I eventually get there) with my cats and my garden and lovely peace and calm. (I did have a truly awful marriage though, which I managed to escape from, and which is probably why I love my single life so much!)

Justaboy · 04/05/2019 21:27

Few invites for coffee, couple of attempted hook ups which ended when one guy told me he thought I'd squash him if I ever got on top.

well fcuck me !! pardon the choice of word!, deffo missed a bullet there with a prat who came up with shite like that!.

Far2go46 · 04/05/2019 21:32

One of these...

www.bondara.co.uk/doxy-wand-massager-black

PenelopeChipShop · 04/05/2019 21:33

Oh OP I really hear you! You’re at a really tough stage with your lo and it WILL get easier I promise. I’m a LP (kids are older than yours though, 6 and 3) and I find this, um, issue one of the tough things about it!

Online dating really has been a saviour for me. I do it in a really detached way and scope out potential FWB / the kind of commitment phobe men that you’d avoid if you wanted a real relationship. This can take time - play the long game.

You want someone who doesn’t want a serious relationship but is totally happy to fit around your schedule and basically just be friends who hook up. I have one and he’s coming over tomorrow - I can’t wait. In fact I need to get in the bath and prep myself in a minute 😂 I wouldn’t work for everyone but if you want sex with a man that’s not a crime and you can totally find it if you want. I did take my time though - my youngest was about 18 months before I felt ready physically. And you won’t enjoy sex unless you’re comfortable with yourself anyway. But go for it if you want, don’t worry, if you can get an occasional babysitter then life isn’t over.

Graphista · 04/05/2019 21:35

I went several years without post divorce, then "discovered" Fwb options.

I didn't and still don't really want a full on relationship.

Currently about a year celibate due to health issues.

But stocked up from lovehoney thanks to a recent mn discount.

It won't always be like this, but I remember the feeling and fear that it would be.

The insecurity of worrying about my first time with a new person since having dd and the changes to my body that caused.

Somebody lovely said to me not to worry, that they'd have their own hang ups to worry about (weight gain of their own, balding, possible erectile dysfunction, height etc) and by the time we were at the point of having sex they'd already have a reasonable idea of what to expect and were clearly happy with that - else they wouldn't be there.

As it happened my first time post divorce I absolutely wasn't prepared, it was a drunken ons following impromptu drinks after work I hadn't even shaved! He didn't care, good time had by all, tad awkward at work for a few days (we weren't otherwise suited nor did either of us want a relationship) but that soon passed.

It was a bit like losing virginity - great angst beforehand, afterwards wondering why you bothered with the angst Grin

You'll be fine.

Go at your own pace, consider old but there's also more - ahem - direct sites you can use if you'd prefer a more...pragmatic arrangement.

I actually prefer them as you can be more upfront about expectations - no pretence at virtuously only having sex within a serious relationship, honest discussion about likes and dislikes, including body types etc

But also be safe and let a trusted friend know what you're doing and have first time meeting somewhere public etc

BlackeyedGruesome · 04/05/2019 21:37

Hugs from friends and the ladies at church and the children.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 04/05/2019 21:41

I'm too knackered most of the time to think about it but when I'm not I can do it better myself than my ex ever managed 😂

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/05/2019 21:48

I'm not sure how my post to do with takeaways ended up on this thread very bizarre...anyhooooo apologies Alice and pink shades lovehoney.co.uk

😨😂😂😂

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