Controlling?

[dietcoke2020]

My dh doesn't like me taking our baby dd out at the weekend for an afternoon as he says he doesn't get to see her enough. I ask to do this less than once a month, is this unreasonable of me?

Why can’t he go with you?
It’s not unreasonable of you though and nothing is stopping him having time together another day

This is just to see my brother or mum

I'm more concerned that you have to ask him if you can take your daughter out. No you're not being unreasonable.

Why do you have to ask and why can't you go together?

He doesn't want to get up and go in the morning so if I want to go anywhere in the afternoon he doesn't see us

I ask to do this less than once a month

You ask your "d"h if you're allowed to take your baby to visit your brother or mum?
That sounds pretty controlling of him.
Why can't he go too?

Tell him to suck it up or get his arse out of bed in the morning. Next time don't ask him to go, just tell him you're going.

If he was that bothered about spending time with your daughter he would get up in the morning

Yes, very controlling. I've never once asked my oh if I can go out.

If he said he didn't want you to go out and you went anyway, what would happen?

I've tried just telling him I'm going and he sulks and tells me I'm being unfair on him so I try to compromise

I’m not sure. If he works all week that’s the only longer time he gets with his daughter and if she’s a young baby, you do feel like you’re constantly missing out at that age because they’re so new and gorgeous. I don’t necessarily think this is controlling- why can’t you all go?

Maybe he could get his arse out of bed and spend some time with her in the morning. Does he do any actual parenting when he is awake?

I do the majority of parenting. He will play with her to allow me a break sometimes

Would it be a compromise for you to go out visiting with DD in the morning while he sleeps? Either way, you should not be asking to go out, just let him know what your plans are. If it's less than once a month then he can get up earlier that day if he wants to spend time with DD.

Fuck sake

"He will play with her to allow me a break" my God you've got a bloody prince there!!! He should parent his child.

Why why why do women put up with the zillion shades of shit that men dish out in relationships?

Tell him to get up earlier.

Do you think he genuinely wants to spend time with the baby or he's just behaving like this to control you?

I think the baby is an excuse as he didn't like me going out before as he "missed me!" Now he misses us both.

Why don't you go & have a couple of hours off & he gets to have some quality time with DD. Sorted!

It seems to me that he is trying to control where you go and who you see, if you compromise he will get worse. Try and stop pandering to him just be calm and perfectly pleasant but stand your ground. The comment that he will play with her to allow you a break is awful. He is her parent too.

He doesn't "miss you" when you go out, sorry OP. Any grown adult can stand to be without their partner for a couple of hours. This is about control and manipulation. You're talking a relatively short visit once a month and he could easily get up earlier or he could come but doesn't want to. You shouldn't be putting up with this.

And yes, he should be doing his share of the parenting.

OP does he "miss" you when he goes to work, of course not. Don't fall for this, have a bloody life without this sulking twat.

This is called coercive control. Stop allowing this immediately. You don’t need to ask or explain. You’re not being unreasonable. He is.

Red flag! Red flag! Taken from rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is when a person with whom you are personally connected, repeatedly behaves in a way which makes you feel controlled, dependent, isolated or scared.

The following types of behaviour are common examples of coercive control:

isolating you from your friends and family
controlling how much money you have and how you spend it
monitoring your activities and your movements
repeatedly putting you down, calling you names or telling you that you are worthless
threatening to harm or kill you or your child
threatening to publish information about you or to report you to the police or the authorities
damaging your property or household goods
forcing you to take part in criminal activity or child abuse

How do I stop allowing it?!