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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controlling?

88 replies

dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 18:18

My dh doesn't like me taking our baby dd out at the weekend for an afternoon as he says he doesn't get to see her enough. I ask to do this less than once a month, is this unreasonable of me?

OP posts:
NewMum19344567 · 04/05/2019 19:45

Id say leave baby with him or go during the week? My husband only sees our baby at the weekends really so I wouldn't plan anything for the weekend unless it was just me (leaving baby with him), obv if it was a party or something for babies I'd go but there isn't much reason to take the baby away if he works during the week and it's the only time he sees her?

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 19:45

You go anyway, when you feel like it. You tell him it’s sweet he misses you but that it is part of life. I miss my husband when he goes to work, I don’t make him shadow me all day. Don’t feel sorry for him or bad about it, it’s his issue, not yours.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 19:46

Their baby needs to see the rest of her family too. The weekends don’t belong to him.

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 19:48

Is it awful that I don't feel comfortable leaving dd with him as he's just not used to caring for her?

OP posts:
JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 19:52

It isn’t great

formerbabe · 04/05/2019 19:53

You tell him it’s sweet he misses you but that it is part of life

Ffs. It's not sweet. It's very controlling and extremely worrying behaviour.

Op...I hope you're ok. There are many red flags here.

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 19:55

It doesn't help that he doesn't go out much

OP posts:
JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 20:03

Ffs. It's not sweet. It's very controlling and extremely worrying behaviour. the control is worrying, the missing ( if true ) can be sweet, not really in this case. I’m advising her how to deal with a control freak who is emotionally manipulative.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 20:03

Do you even like him? What kind of a relationship do you think you have?

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 20:05

Thanks for all the advice everyone.
When things are good I'm happy but I feel unhappy a lot of the time and feel like i walk on eggshells around him.

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 04/05/2019 20:09

Can you leave her with him while you go out?

bridgetreilly · 04/05/2019 20:10

I feel unhappy a lot of the time and feel like i walk on eggshells around him.

Sweetheart, you need to be making plans to leave this man. You can't live like this.

Surfskatefamily · 04/05/2019 20:10

Oh sorry iv just seen that reply....he does need to be able to be left with baby. Maybe start with leaving her for an hour or less with him and work your way up

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 20:13

I know this is difficult, but you deserve happiness and your freedom. You may need to start the process to leave this person. Can you talk to a friend or family member?

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 20:15

How on earth can i leave and have to be away from my baby? He would fight me for everything?

OP posts:
JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 20:16

The important thing is doing what is right for you and your baby. Custody would be awarded to both of you.

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 20:18

I couldn't do that

OP posts:
oneforthepain · 04/05/2019 20:20

I think you need to take a look at this: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

cptartapp · 04/05/2019 20:25

he would fight me for everything
Don't be naive. He wouldn't. He'd run a mile.

nicenewdusters · 04/05/2019 20:29

Part of leaving is accepting that he still has rights to see his child.

What he doesn't have a right to is controlling you in such a way that you are mainly unhappy, walking on eggshells, asking him for permission, being manipulated and doing all the parenting to the extent you can't even leave your child with it's own father.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 20:29

I couldn't do that

Couldn’t do what? Share custody? Why not?

poglets · 04/05/2019 20:30

This has escalated quickly with your later posts. How old is tour baby? What is your situation - financially/employment/network.

In answer to your questions, how do you stop him? You leave him to sulk and you go anyway. He uses sulking to control you.

Are you afraid of him OP?

Your boundaries are terrible, but you have allowed him to encroach on them little by little until you are now asking if you can go out. Don't ask, tell him and leave him to sulk.

You should be urgently formulating an exit strategy and having money only you can access. Also, don't lose touch with your family.

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 20:32

I couldn't bear to be away from my baby! Of course I know he has rights to see his child and I would never stop that but I don't want that for my family

OP posts:
JessicaWakefieldSV · 04/05/2019 20:32

Ok. I haven’t anything else to offer then.

Original poster
dietcoke2020 · 04/05/2019 20:34

I'm not afraid of him I just hate the arguing and moods and he easily gets annoyed with me. I am on maternity leave planning to go back part time so i depend on him at the moment for money. I have savings. We own our home jointly.

OP posts:
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