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Original poster

To not go to DNs Birthday?!

76 replies

Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 07:48

Tomo is DNEphews birthday meal. I DO NOT want to go Blush

Dmil will be there and blatantly treats her other GCs differently to my children. I can't bare to sit there whilst she fusses over the others whilst she barely looks in the direction of my children.

The past six months or so have been particularly difficult with her, with the arrival of our new baby she was told in no uncertain terms that the first person to meet DD would be our DS, she took this news badly when I was in labour and left the hospital in tears despite being aware of it all along our pregnancy HmmHmm

The first few days of DDs life she was extremely difficult; refusing to see DD as she wasn't one of the first to see her...

Anyhow, in an odd kind of way we moved forward from that. Until recently, we asked Dmil and Fil to come on summer hols with us; they declined stating they were going to get a last minute cheap deal; fair enough. However two weeks later when SIL booked they booked with her 🙄🙄🙄 talk about being pushed to the side.

DH then asked MIL if she would like to watch DD for an hour at one point last week, no set day or time just when would suit her. She stated no I have the other grandchildren. That was the end of that.

When she visited a few weeks ago for twenty minutes she spent the time here trying to convince us to give her our children's slide for her other grandchildren AngryHmm to save her buying them a £99 slide, how lovely eh?

I recently had fraud on my card, and DH had left his card in his works van which his workmate took him, he rang and asked her to borrow £4 for bread and milk until the following day; she begrudgingly said yes but the following day was hot on the phone to recoup her £4, DH dropped the money off to her and then she proceeded to hand it over to her other grandchildren 🙄🙄 I know it's her money and she can do what she wants with it; but is there any reason for her to be so curt with us in favour of them?

What is her problem? I can't bare to see her at the mo so the thought of going for a meal with her tomo repulses me. I've had tears on a few occasions wondering what's wrong with my perfect babies and why she doesn't want anything to do with them.

DH says he's just biding his time before a massive explosion will ensue at her!

OP posts:
Figure8 · 04/05/2019 08:48

Shame your nephew has to have family politics dragged into his birthday

foreverhanging · 04/05/2019 08:49

It's not good when people treat children differently because as they get bigger they will notice and it causes all kinds of problems. I think if she can't treat them all equally I would be seeing her way way less, if at all.

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:49

It is a shame and like I say I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by making a stand at this occasion. Hence the reason posting here.

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 04/05/2019 08:50

you do seem to be scratching around for misunderstandings and slights.

really.

And who doesnt love a new born.

EleanorReally · 04/05/2019 08:51

what do you want her to do op?
grin and bear it, make amends, stop looking for trouble

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:52

Worth noting she treats SIL children differently too, especially the eldest girl. She's very much her favourite. In fact before we even had children if we went out for a meal she would pay for 1st DGs food and not the other twos! She would be blatant about it too, and still is in fact. I would say to DH I can't believe SIL allows her to treat her children so differently, and he used to reply by saying well it's convenient for SIL as now she has less children to pay for!

As I say mil has always been blatant with this, she will openly say at the table "I'll pay for xxxx food" 🤣

OP posts:
sluj · 04/05/2019 08:52

I would suggest that if you don't go today, there will be no going back and your bridges will be burnt with DH's whole family.

Be the bigger person. Go today and bite your tongue then have a quiet, civilised conversation soon with MIL about what's wrong.

Good luck

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:53

I just want her to pay an equal interest in my children's lives as she does the others! I'm here with open arms and no restrictions! Not making her jump through hoops or being difficult!

OP posts:
Witchend · 04/05/2019 08:53

Problem with these threads is that you can never tell the actual tone of the conversations.
For example: Totally agree that the ds went in first to see the new baby. But there's ways of doing it.
"I can't wait to see the new baby"
"Ds is just going to meet the baby first. It'll only take about 5 minutes, and then you're welcome"
OR
"I have turned up to see MY granddaughter and you can't stop me."
"Just two or three minutes for ds to say hello."
"That's not fair. I have the right to see my granddaughter and I demand to go in first"
OR
"I am looking forward to meeting the new baby"
"Haven't you listened to us? We told you ds would see the baby first and you'll have to wait until he's finished. You really are stupid to turn up now as you'll have to wait until he's helped her for a bit. He's much more important than you are and no we won't be asking you to babysit because you once drank a hot cup of coffee in the same room as ds when he was a baby. That was so stupid because if you'd dropped the coffee near him he could have been burnt..."

People tend to see other people's rants as out of control nonsense and theirs as "reasonable but direct because it needed to be".

Chloemol · 04/05/2019 08:55

@MarthasGinYard. Have you read what the op said, new baby and do, dh is the father of both?

Despite what others have said I understand why you wanted ds to see dd first and as a family. You mil was bvu not to let this happen, then come in the room after, sounds like she wanted to compete to say she had seen the baby first.

Is she has treated your ds this way before the baby then I don’t think you are going to changer her and to be honest I would start to withdraw, including reducing contact with the children who will sooner or later pick up they are being treated differently. If it’s only since the baby has been born then your dh needs to speak to her one to one and find out what’s the problem

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:55

It was never done in a horrible way, and was also clear from when mil insisted she would be first to meet the baby. I explained no no DS will be and then of course you're welcome. She seemed to forget this when labour arrived and DH reminded her of our wishes, that's when she made out it was the first she was told!

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/05/2019 08:57

I don't know the woman she clearly likes to play favourites but that isn't the kids fault what is she like when your dc are alone with her has she a favourite ?

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 09:02

She's never had both my children alone together so I can't comment.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 04/05/2019 09:02

Your MIL is a twat but what about the relationships between your DC and their cousins and aunt and uncle. I would play nice for one dinner for the sake of your nephew and your own DC.
Me and my sister have a rocky relationship but I’ve always put that to one side when my DNs are involved. They shouldn’t be punished because the adult relationships aren’t great.

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2019 09:04

'MarthasGinYard. Have you read what the op said, new baby and do, dh is the father of both?'

I was on a previous thread where Op speaks of her ex as Father of her DS so was slightly confused.

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2019 09:07

You really are a bitter cow Martha. Quite sad. Trot on.'

Well I can certainly see why your Dmil prefers 'alternative' company Grin

Top tip

Have a scratch down the back of your car seats next time you need a couple of pounds Wink

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2019 09:08

If you don't go to this dinnerit is going to cause a family drama and you are going to be at the centre of it all just go smile at the birthday kid and ignore her.

PregnantSea · 04/05/2019 09:22

Your MIL has made her feelings very clear. I would do your due diligence with Xmas and birthdays but otherwise just avoid her. Sounds to me like if she doesn't get her way you get shoved out. Fine, let her shove you out. Stop trying to get back in with her and just let it go. I know it's easier said than done but if this how she treats people then you're better off.

Yabbers · 04/05/2019 09:23

Why is this a question? Obviously you don’t go. Why would you? You don’t like MIL, DH is too weak to call her out and you lack the tact to speak to her nicely about it or to be polite in her company.

Why would you risk making a scene at your nephew’s birthday.

Scrumptiousbears · 04/05/2019 09:24

I think for your own sanity you need to block her behaviour out or massively limit how much you have to do with her.

My MiL is odd. Luckily she lives nearly 4 hours drive away so I see her maybe 3 times a year.

cheeseypizza · 04/05/2019 09:47

OP says in a previous thread that her ds is from a previous relationship. So he's not even mils grandchild.

Bringbackthestripes · 04/05/2019 09:47

But DSon was also in the waiting room with my parents

Ahhh so presumably it was also going to be the case that your parents got to meet the new arrival first too. She felt pushed out.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by making a stand at this occasion.

You don’t make a stand at an innocent child’s birthday meal. Blimey, no wonder she treats your offspring differently.

Icecreamsoda99 · 04/05/2019 09:50

My grandmother clearly favored my aunt's daughter over me and it sucked. I was always desperate to please her growing up and could never meet her expectations, I also heard her being rude about my mother on various occasions. I'd distance yourself now and watch how she talks to and about your children. When your children are older you might want to address it with them and make it clear that grandma is very unfair and it's not their or your fault.

BambooB · 04/05/2019 10:04

Yep, my MIL is similar.

Her other grandchildren are more important to her. It's obvious. She has no pictures of my child in her home what so ever. She comes to see us 3 times a year when I'm expected to take time off work. Between the visits she NEVER contacts us. Ever.

She's nice when she's here. But my daughter isn't any form of priority for her.

SchrodingersBrexit · 04/05/2019 10:49

I would go.

I would also ask DH to have a calm, non-confrontational conversation with DMIL about your feelings. At least give her the chance to explain

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