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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to DNs Birthday?!

76 replies

Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 07:48

Tomo is DNEphews birthday meal. I DO NOT want to go Blush

Dmil will be there and blatantly treats her other GCs differently to my children. I can't bare to sit there whilst she fusses over the others whilst she barely looks in the direction of my children.

The past six months or so have been particularly difficult with her, with the arrival of our new baby she was told in no uncertain terms that the first person to meet DD would be our DS, she took this news badly when I was in labour and left the hospital in tears despite being aware of it all along our pregnancy HmmHmm

The first few days of DDs life she was extremely difficult; refusing to see DD as she wasn't one of the first to see her...

Anyhow, in an odd kind of way we moved forward from that. Until recently, we asked Dmil and Fil to come on summer hols with us; they declined stating they were going to get a last minute cheap deal; fair enough. However two weeks later when SIL booked they booked with her 🙄🙄🙄 talk about being pushed to the side.

DH then asked MIL if she would like to watch DD for an hour at one point last week, no set day or time just when would suit her. She stated no I have the other grandchildren. That was the end of that.

When she visited a few weeks ago for twenty minutes she spent the time here trying to convince us to give her our children's slide for her other grandchildren AngryHmm to save her buying them a £99 slide, how lovely eh?

I recently had fraud on my card, and DH had left his card in his works van which his workmate took him, he rang and asked her to borrow £4 for bread and milk until the following day; she begrudgingly said yes but the following day was hot on the phone to recoup her £4, DH dropped the money off to her and then she proceeded to hand it over to her other grandchildren 🙄🙄 I know it's her money and she can do what she wants with it; but is there any reason for her to be so curt with us in favour of them?

What is her problem? I can't bare to see her at the mo so the thought of going for a meal with her tomo repulses me. I've had tears on a few occasions wondering what's wrong with my perfect babies and why she doesn't want anything to do with them.

DH says he's just biding his time before a massive explosion will ensue at her!

OP posts:
IggyAce · 04/05/2019 08:25

I personally would step back and let your DH deal with his family. Make him responsible for making arrangements to see them, if MIL contacts you just say you will have to ask your son.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/05/2019 08:27

I think you are unreasonable not to go to dn birthday. The only person you are hurting is him.

The other stuff I’m not sure. I’d like to hear your mil version tbh.

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2019 08:28

You are sounding a bit petty and immature imo you are making your husband choose between a family meal and your insecurities some of the children are not her grandkids she is going to feel different towards them just go for dinner for your husbands sake.

Rtmhwales · 04/05/2019 08:28

Why are posters saying the children aren't your husband's? I assume at least your DD is - is the other(s) as well?

For some reason MIL's on here often seem to favorably treat their DD's children better than their DS's and I don't know why. I wouldn't go for what it's worth.

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:30

No idea - all our mils grandchildren!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:30

Sorry are

OP posts:
MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 04/05/2019 08:31

My mum prefers my child over her other DGC simply because she gets to see my baby more frequently and has a greater bond. My brother screens her visits so much at the start that she very rarely tries to go to see them, as she’s always told no. Occasionally, they ask to see her but often at the most inconvenient times and then won’t offer again for months. She usually cancels whatever she’s doing now if she can to see them on thier terms, but it’s fairly obvious that she’s better connected to my baby who she is very natural with. Luckily she tries hard to ensure that her other DGC are equally shown affection, spoilt etc.

Is this possibly a scenario with your family?

Equally, my MIL rarely wants to or offers to visit me despite me trying to be very approachable as her daughters children are her priority. If I’m desperate she will, but we don’t go on holidays etc like she does with them. Yes it hurts but my FIL regularly visits to see my baby, and asks for daily photos too. My husband has said it’s thier loss.

sluj · 04/05/2019 08:31

Unless there is earlier stuff, this seems to stem back to that time in the hospital where she left in tears having been told something in "no uncertain terms".
Since then she has been sulking and showing you that she will reflect your view of her importance to your DC back at you and give her attention to the others. She has got the message that you dont consider her important.
Was it explained to her that it would only be 3 minutes? Did your parents get to go in first? What was actually said?

I dont have the whole story but perhaps have a look back at that incident and see it from her point of view. I know you were busy but what was actually said?

You need to sit down and clear the air. She has shown she can be a loving grandparent but is smarting at the moment.

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2019 08:32

Oh god sorry i misread i thought there was stepchildren Blush I still think you should go for your husbands sake.

SimplyPut · 04/05/2019 08:33

Sadly your not going to change your mil. You do however have the power to choose whether you subject your children to situations where they are visibly 2nd class in your mil's eyes.
I would avoid full family events, by all means see your DN etc but not when mil is there.

Does your fil behave better?

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:34

Funny you should say that, DH thinks it all stems back to that time at the hosp where it was reiterated to her that DS would be meeting DD first

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 04/05/2019 08:35

Just give plenty of attention to your dc at the meal. so he doesnt notice.

EleanorReally · 04/05/2019 08:36

is there a payment issue as well?
can you afford it?

GinisLife · 04/05/2019 08:37

Sorry but I think you sound like hard work and seem to want to fall out with your mil. Be nicer to her and maybe she'll be nicer to you.

MauritiusNextTime · 04/05/2019 08:38

Family dynamics can be weird. They rarely can be 'fixed', so you need to manage things, clearing the air ime never works as people become defensive.

I would just accept that she favours her other dgc, it isn't fair but you can't make her change. Keep your distance, be polite. Attend unavoidable family get togethers, but a dn birthday? No. Make excuses.

Just lower you expectations and try not to compare yourselves to your sil's family and how they are treated.

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:38

Yes we can afford it.

I'm nothing but nice to mil, sorry you feel otherwise. In fact not sure how you've come to that presumption. As far as mil is concerned there's no issue between us all - that's Cos she doesn't see what she's doing!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2019 08:41

As pp said you sound like hard work scratching for issues

If you were having to borrow 4 quid last week due to 'card issues' then I'd make sure you check you've got your money for the meal. Imagine the embarrassment of having to ask her again to bail you out.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 04/05/2019 08:41

So when your baby was born everyone was in the waiting room and you wanted ds in first for a few minutes then everyone else? Is that right?
So mil only had to wait a few minutes and had a massive strop about it. If I've got that right then she's very selfish and you're better off backing off from her.

Dogparty · 04/05/2019 08:43

Do you think you’ve been too restrictive in the past with seeing your DC? If she’s had to jump through hoops to see your DC and you’ve never let her look after them or spend much time with them the bond isn’t going to be there. Whereas with SIL she’s probably been able to be much closer.
I see this with my aunty and her children. Her DD has always brought her DGS round regularly so they are really close and bonded. Her DS was always so strict with when she was allowed to see DGD and she was only allowed to hold her a couple of times without DIL snatching baby away.

JE87 · 04/05/2019 08:43

I feel strongly about not having my MIL barging into the room as soon as baby is born too. She has insisted on seeing the baby within half an hour of it being born - I would like some time with the baby myself! So I totally understand your decision there. Sounds like she needs to grow up and I wouldn't bother with the party either. Go and have a nice day with your family instead ☺️

AuntMarch · 04/05/2019 08:44

Was she honestly upset that DS was meeting DD first, or that it was your parents waiting with him and following him in afterwards, and not her?

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:45

You really are a bitter cow Martha. Quite sad. Trot on.

Yes only literally few minutes, labour all happened very fast, and DS was in the waiting room with my DPs as DH couldn't get hold of his own parents to come and sit with DS whilst DH was in with me; hopefully that all makes sense.

DS come in for three minutes, and then everyone was welcome in no particular order. Dmil then phoned about 2 hours later and DH said we are on our way home now, all's well, come to the house we are about 20mins away and she burst into tears and was bawling because he hadn't told her we were leaving the hosp? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:46

No, she also followed in afterwards with my parents so can't of been that. She finally came back to the hosp after her crying fit.

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 04/05/2019 08:47

TBH it is so common for MILs to prefer their daughter's DC.Shit but not unusual.I would distance myself and lower my expectations .I wouldn't allow my DCto be put in situations where they felt second class

Original poster
Gracie2906 · 04/05/2019 08:48

Never had any restrictions on how often she can see the children or when. Infact like I say I wish it was more. Hence DH asked her to have DD last week at her convenience when DS was in school, she declined. As I said I'm on mat leave so don't need her to have children, we thought she'd like to.

OP posts:
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