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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to eat much bigger portions

56 replies

EvieC83 · 03/05/2019 21:39

We’ve been together a really long time. DH is very tall and relatively good looking. For the past 10 years or so, he’s been focussed on eating well (mostly a paleo diet) and he always combined this with gym 4/5 times a week.

18 months ago, he got promoted into a very senior role and works very long hours. He no longer has any time for the gym and instead has started really limiting what he eats!! He is now so restrictive about his portion sizes and as a result, has lost a lot of weight and all of his muscle. He’s 6’3” and now wears a 30” waist!!! I don’t like it at all.

He’s restricting himself from enjoyment (now only drinks coffee for breakfast, seems to think sugar and carbs are evil) and if I’m honest, I don’t find him physically attractive nowadays.

He recently ordered some new jeans and casual trousers online. Honestly, his legs looked like thin drainpipes. I had to be careful how I phrased it, as I didn’t want to upset him (thankfully he sent them all back). MIL and my sister have both commented to me that they’re concerned about DH’s appearance. Annoyingly, neither will say anything directly to him!!

I’m a SAHM and would be happy for him to go to the gym on the weekends/whenever he can. Instead, he wants to spend all free time with me and our DC, who he never sees in the week.

I’ve tried serving him bigger portions, more carbs etc, but he won’t eat it and says he doesn’t want to “get a fat belly”. I’m at a loss what to do next. I can’t force him to eat more. AIBU??

I have nc’d for this post, as I fully expect a lot of negative feedback about accepting how your spouse looks. I know this would be totally flamed if a guy came on here and complained about his wife putting on weight.

OP posts:
IsYourGoogleBroken · 03/05/2019 21:42

He's got an eating disorder. Or disordered eating. Serving him bigger portions is not going to cure that.

thelastgoldeneagle · 03/05/2019 21:43

Sounds like he has an eating disorder. Can you talk to him about It? Focusing on his health, not your attraction to him?

Ninkaninus · 03/05/2019 21:44

Get him to look into the science behind low carb, high fat eating. Very healthy and suits men particularly well.

WonderTweek · 03/05/2019 21:46

Sounds to me like he might be heading towards an eating disorder unfortunately. Maybe you could have a gentle, supportive chat and explain to him that you're worried? I'd recommend avoiding any talk about looking attractive etc but just stating that you've noticed that he has lost a lot of weight and seems to be restricting a lot and that you're just checking if he's ok.

PurpleDaisies · 03/05/2019 21:46

He sounds like he’s ill. I wonder if the stress of the new position has kicked off some disordered eating. You’d be best off encouraging him to talk to a GP.

bridgetreilly · 03/05/2019 21:47

(a) You don't get to decide what he eats, whether he goes to the gym, what he should look like. He is in charge of his body and he doesn't have to change it to suit you.

(b) It does sound as though there is some kind of body dysmorphia or disordered eating going on. But until he acknowledges this himself, there's nothing you can do.

SimonJT · 03/05/2019 21:47

There is essentially nothing you can do apart from telling him what you are worried about and why. An eating disorder/disordered eating doesn’t just stop, it is something that is always there, but when the person is ready it can be managed.

I’m afraid from experience you will largely be waiting and supporting as much as you can.

VanillaCoconutDove · 03/05/2019 21:47

What’s the problem with a 30 inch waist?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 03/05/2019 21:48

You need to approach this from a health view. Sit him down and say you’re worried about his healthy, you think his weight is too low, you think he’s restricted too much to be healthy and you think he’s lost sight of how much weight he’s lost. Ask him about his stress levels too.

He sounds ill and stressed and like it’s showing through him trying to control his weight.

thelastgoldeneagle · 03/05/2019 21:49

Op said he’s lost a lot of weight and all his muscle, Vanilla... maybe that’s what is worrying op? Hmm

gorgeousgeorgian · 03/05/2019 21:51

I wouldn’t talk about how he looks, you need to tell him he’s coping with work stress by being overly controlling about food, that it’s bad for his health and a bad example for the dc.

You say you’ve noticed this pattern as his work stress has increased and to and see if he can come up with better coping strategies or better solutions overall.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 03/05/2019 21:54

On the plus side - he's just been promoted, he focusses his time and energy on his family instead of hobbies, he believes in healthy eating and is in charge of his own clothing purchases. Many of us would love any one of those things, so I can see why you expect.to.get flamed.

I do think you're right that you need to set aside your attraction to him, unless/until.you are sure he isn't suffering from disordered eating. Is he intentionally restricting portions,.limiting his social life to eat certain foods etc? If so, then he needs to focus on getting healthy first.

Have you ever actually discussed this.with him, gently but openly? Not about your attraction (please please don't mention this unless/until you are 100% sure it's not a mental health issue), but about how his.new promotion is affecting his eating and gym going, and how this on turn might be affecting his health.

I'd start there and proceed from that ..

JayDot500 · 03/05/2019 22:00

Yeah OP you've sort of come at this from the wrong angle. He's likely to have some form of eating/body image disorder that has left him substantially slimmer than normal. He needs help.

topcat2014 · 03/05/2019 22:01

@vanillacoconutdove - I think I last had a 30" waist at school..

By all accounts, Cliff Richard has a 30" waist, but he only eats once a day.

VanillaCoconutDove · 03/05/2019 22:02

I just meant the op sounded horrified by it, when it’s just a slim mans frame, not skeletal and underweight.

How is your husbands build naturally? Has he always been more muscular due to the gym? I think coming from the angle of no longer fancying him clouds the issue.

Very few people have a ‘normal’ relationship with food. Who is the arbiter of normal/healthy? I

SrSteveOskowski · 03/05/2019 22:02

What's the problem with a 30 inch waist?

Quite a lot for a man of 6"3' Hmm

FuriousVexation · 03/05/2019 22:03

Sounds like a case of EDNOS with orthorexia.

@VanillaCoconutDove - absolutely nothing if you're 5ft2. At 6ft3, that would be very disproportionate.

babysharkah · 03/05/2019 22:04

Sounds like he's dealing with not going to the gym by restricting.

Can't help but think if you had come in and said he had a 46 inch waist you would have had different reactions regards to not liking it though.

VanillaCoconutDove · 03/05/2019 22:10

It’s hard to know without more information, an actual figure for weight. But men don’t typically carry residual fat around their middles, they aren’t curvy in the same way women are. Most men into fitness at any size will aim for a 28/32 inch waist, and look to be broader on their shoulders and chest.

Perhaps he does have a control issue with food. The question is, is that hugely a problem? In the same way having a comfort issue with food, is that a problem? If it’s not too extreme to the point of impacting upon his health then I’d be relaxed about it.

He sounds like a good man from the rest of your op, I wouldn’t choose this hill to die on.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 03/05/2019 22:11

Looking at waist to height ratios and whilst that is at the low end, it isn't unhealthily skinny. But it is a fairly crude measurement.

Difficult to say whether he's got an eating disorder (despite the armchair diagnoses on here), but the OP does come across as being all about what she finds attractive rather than concern for the guy's health.

JaneEyre07 · 03/05/2019 22:14

I wonder if maybe you need to be blunt, OP. Say you're not physically attracted to him like this, and you're worried sick about his health. And perhaps gently suggest seeing the GP together so you can get some advice together.

Don't let it be the elephant in the room.... my youngest DD has issues with eating, and I've learned not to hide my concern from her.

Erythronium · 03/05/2019 22:15

How worrying for you. As others have said it sounds like he has an eating disorder. You need to talk to him about it, and persuade him to go to the doctor.

Purpleartichoke · 03/05/2019 22:16

I would not ask him to increase his portions.

I would raise concern that his stress is taking a toll on him physically.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 03/05/2019 22:24

My adult son is 6’2 and has a 30 inch waist.
He also goes to the gym 4/5 times a week and eats a very healthy diet mainly consisting of chichen, rice, noodles and veg. I think the fact that he doesn’t really drink stops him from putting extra weight on.

He doesn’t look unhealthy or super skinny.

Tinkobell · 03/05/2019 22:24

I'd recommend x 2 things. Set up an appointment with a local nutritionist- but not someone who endorses tonnes of powders in jars type products. Someone truly independent and ideally who works with people who have a sedentary office job / high stress. Seek out a recommendation. Being that tall - He needs muscle exercise otherwise he will develop joint issues.
He must exercise again....for stress management and to build some muscle. Could he go in a bit later in the mornjngs and work out then? What about swimming or a weekend Pilates class locally? He could get a Pilates person at home - get a few lessons one to one then start a class. Ditch the caffeine a bit - after 2pm. It is an iron absorption blocker. Get B12 patches - online Amazon. Those would be my recommendations OP, as a spouse of a man with little time and two kids. Good luck...you sound great by the way!