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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to eat much bigger portions

56 replies

EvieC83 · 03/05/2019 21:39

We’ve been together a really long time. DH is very tall and relatively good looking. For the past 10 years or so, he’s been focussed on eating well (mostly a paleo diet) and he always combined this with gym 4/5 times a week.

18 months ago, he got promoted into a very senior role and works very long hours. He no longer has any time for the gym and instead has started really limiting what he eats!! He is now so restrictive about his portion sizes and as a result, has lost a lot of weight and all of his muscle. He’s 6’3” and now wears a 30” waist!!! I don’t like it at all.

He’s restricting himself from enjoyment (now only drinks coffee for breakfast, seems to think sugar and carbs are evil) and if I’m honest, I don’t find him physically attractive nowadays.

He recently ordered some new jeans and casual trousers online. Honestly, his legs looked like thin drainpipes. I had to be careful how I phrased it, as I didn’t want to upset him (thankfully he sent them all back). MIL and my sister have both commented to me that they’re concerned about DH’s appearance. Annoyingly, neither will say anything directly to him!!

I’m a SAHM and would be happy for him to go to the gym on the weekends/whenever he can. Instead, he wants to spend all free time with me and our DC, who he never sees in the week.

I’ve tried serving him bigger portions, more carbs etc, but he won’t eat it and says he doesn’t want to “get a fat belly”. I’m at a loss what to do next. I can’t force him to eat more. AIBU??

I have nc’d for this post, as I fully expect a lot of negative feedback about accepting how your spouse looks. I know this would be totally flamed if a guy came on here and complained about his wife putting on weight.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 03/05/2019 22:26

I’d be much more concerned for his mental health than how he looks.

One of my best friends had an eating disorder and this is exactly how it started.

mynameiscalypso · 03/05/2019 22:30

The thing with eating disorders is that they're not about weight/food - they're about control. You can look perfectly healthy and still have an incredibly serious illness. Very few people with eating disorders fit the stereotype of how people think they should look. Focusing on waist size and whether that makes your DH skinny or not isn't really helpful (neither is telling him he's unattractive). It sounds like, as PP have said, that he's trying to manage the stress of his work by controlling his food intake.

TatianaLarina · 03/05/2019 22:31

My recommendation is that you go with him to the GP before his weight loss gets out of control. Suggesting further exercise for someone who is obsessive and has spiralling weight loss is irresponsible.

Mum2jenny · 03/05/2019 22:34

You can't change his eating patterns.

It has to be his decision, hard though that may be to you.

He does have disordered eating, but he may be aware of it and ultimately it's his decision.

PickAChew · 03/05/2019 22:41

There's a big difference between a slim young man who exercises and eats well and a thin older man who is restricting his food, not exercising and losing muscle mass.

OP, I don't think you're going to succeed in giving him more carbs because that's not how he was eating when he was eating well. I think the best you can do is say that your concerned about his health, in general, since taking this promotion and that it would be a good idea for him to see his GP for a bit of an MOT.

TatianaLarina · 03/05/2019 22:45

He does have disordered eating, but he may be aware of it and ultimately it's his decision.

That’s not really how EDs work. For example, you can’t trust anorexics to know they need help, they think they just need to be really really thin.

EDs often involve major doses of denial and body dysmorphia.

Mum2jenny · 03/05/2019 23:02

I'm well aware of the impact of EDs, given I've had them for many years.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 03/05/2019 23:07

DH has a 30 waist and is 6'4, for dinner tonight he ate a rack of ribs meant for two , a large jacket potato with cheese, coleslaw, corn cobs (2) , and then demolished a share size bag of m&ms . I hate his metabolism, I had a small spud, salad and a piece of salmon :(

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 03/05/2019 23:11

The op hasn’t actually said the potion size just that she wants him to eat more.
Without knowing what exactly he is eating and how much it is impossible to say whether he is eating enough as trouser size indicates nothing and the lack of working out after doing so regularly for years will result in loss of muscle and tone.

TatianaLarina · 03/05/2019 23:12

Well then you should know that some people need intervention. Some people don’t realise they’re slipping into ED, and DH being male - may never have considered it. Some people are not best placed to know when they need treatment.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/05/2019 23:17

Could he get access to specialist advice through private healthcare at work. Even if it was for general stress management it may lead to him opening up. It sounds like a reaction to stress and wanting to be in control of something.

GlamGiraffe · 03/05/2019 23:24

It does sound wprrying like he cant ecercise due to work/time constraints so is compensating for not being able to burn the extra calories by not eating. This is overlookingthe other factors such as building and conditioning muscle and heart health. He needs to be getting some gym exercise in purely to blow off the stress of the job apart from anyrhjng else. Sounds lije hes gone into a bit of a loop. I'd say you're worried. He has become terribly thin, mention the clothes emphasised it. Say he looks unwell and others are concerned too. Maybe make a Dr apt and book in some health checks talk through a lifestyle and diet plan and book in a nutritionist.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/05/2019 23:35

Leave the guy alone, he can chose what he eats himself.

You are being very controlling.

percypiggy · 03/05/2019 23:40

Legs like drainpipes 🤣

springydaff · 04/05/2019 00:13

He has an eating disorder. Exercising, obsessive about food, restricting (which could easily become overeating, purging etc: two sides of the same coin).

Perhaps talk to your GP about your concerns and get some advice.

Plenty of men go to OA

JuniFora · 04/05/2019 00:28

Sugar is very ageing and causes a lot of diseases, low calorie diets have been found to extend life. He's eating, just not what you want or as much. What he puts in his mouth is his business. He's the one who has to live in his body. He probably finds that what he's doing now works best for his focus and attention at work.

You don't fancy him at this weight. He's not obliged to gain weight for that reason. If you're worried about his health then tell him he needs to get to the doctor for a health check.

Don't start accusing him of having an eating disorders because he doesn't eat like you or because you don't fancy him slim. If his weight loss is stress related, that's just going to make it worse. If you try to control him, he's going to pull back and become more controlled.

kateandme · 04/05/2019 07:33

talk to him about yourconcern about his bodu image and not wanting to be fat so controlling it in such a way.and can he see how far its gone?b concerned,be worried.
this is deff disordered eating/eating disorder and will not stop only spiral.once ingrained the bleiefs and the way he uses to control his emotions become so hard to break.and the ed grips tight.

hes had a big change.hes moved work.he feel stressed.he is not seeing the kids like he wants or doing the leisure stuff he used for downtime.he could have been feeling out of control and this is the way hes gotten it.
and then hes found it and then that spirals into the symtoms of being able to control his weight and food and mass by this new way.
talk to him.be worried.DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT LOOKSbecasue no matter why this was triggered it is now in his eyes often very much a things that keeps him in control.

Subeccoo · 04/05/2019 07:43

I'd be worried about him mentally but tbh a 30 inch waist and 6ft3? You've described my extremely fit 45 yo husband, who is fresh from running a 3.5 hr London marathon. He eats so much but he's got an outdoor physical job and runs a lot. If he was sedentary he would watch what he ate too. He's skinny but it's an athletic look, he looks brilliant Blush

whitehalleve · 04/05/2019 08:14

I think you need to support him with his eating disorder

RedHelenB · 04/05/2019 08:58

Not convinced it is a disorder but he may well.be stressed. Maybe instead of packing him off to the gym you could go swimming/cycling/walking as a family.

Tinkobell · 04/05/2019 10:04

If he has private health plan, they often offer a subsidised screening for a few hundred pounds - well worth doing if he can. My DH's firm make this obligatory after a number of people died from undetected illnesses. If not, if you're over 40 the NHS / GP are supposed to be offering this now - so try giving them a ring. My DH is a skinny guy who exercises hard and keeping the weight on his is a struggle - but he eats a tonne of food everyday. Sometimes people don't realise they've lost a bit too much and look gaunt until they see themselves in a photo.....so that might help. I do keep scales in the bathroom. We have a history of tumours in our family and so sudden and unexplained weight losses are something we like to keep tabs on....but it does sound like he's just not eating well. Hope the ideas help OP. It's very stressful trying to get help for a loved one who is in denial and pushes away. The eating disorders association might be able to help too.....
Normally people start an eating disorder because they feel a lack of control within their lives. Whilst they struggle to control a lot of things happening around them (career, people, work pressures) they can control their food intake. It can be symptomatic of this feeling of lack of control. Maybe the job isn't suiting him mentally .....ask him. Good luck 💐

Tinkobell · 04/05/2019 10:07

I know in my DP's firm despite the health screening plans; there are a lot of bosses who are seriously overweight, regular heavy drinkers. It could be the same in your DH's firm - he sees them and thinks "Holy Shit....not for me thanks", I know that's what my DP thinks - only I feel yours is going the wrong way about it.

InceyWinceyette · 04/05/2019 10:16

I don’t think (many) adult men think of an ED as something that could apply to them, so it may be hard to get him to even understand that it could and that EDs present in different ways. Not just anorexia or Princess Di’s bulimia of the stereotyped image.

A proper nutritionist is a good idea. I wonder if it is an issue addressed towards men in a magazine like Men’s Health?

araiwa · 04/05/2019 10:48

If he has stopped going to the gym and is eating less obviously he will lose muscle mass.

If he stopped going to the gym obviously he should eat less too

Sounds like he knows what hes doing really

DaintySong · 04/05/2019 10:50

I don't really get why everyone's so shocked about a 30 inch waist.. what's normal to you all, 40, 50?? The average today is not healthy!