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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not lend money even when I have it

60 replies

tightass · 03/05/2019 19:48

My friend is always asking me for money.

The first time I leant it to her and she promised to pay me back on Monday and then come Monday she was posting pics of things she had bought as she had been paid but no offer of paying me back. I felt really uncomfortable but I ended up asking her to pay me back a few days after as I needed the money.

Now that's really put me off lending her money as I don't want to have to be in the situation where I have to ask for it... therefor I always say no, even if I have it and Im worried it's a bit of a horrible way to be. We aren't so well off or anything like that, I have a strict budget I'm keeping to as we are trying to get out of debt and so to lend her money would be out of my weekly budget which is quite tight as it is.

AIBU to not lend her the money?

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 03/05/2019 19:51

Of course you're not being unreasonable not to lend her money; once bitten, twice shy.

LEDadjacent · 03/05/2019 19:51

YANBU!

CalmdownJanet · 03/05/2019 19:51

Nope yanbu "Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me!". She took the piss once, she will do it again. I would have no hesitation in telling her why if she asked either

Celticrose · 03/05/2019 19:51

YANBU period

blue55 · 03/05/2019 19:52

No you're not being U at all.
She should even ask tbh.

WhataLovelyPear · 03/05/2019 19:53

Absolutely not. She's only asking because she's no good at managing money, not because she's destitute - she's got a job!

Singlenotsingle · 03/05/2019 19:54

Never lend money. You won't get it back. GIVE IT (if you've got it!)

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 03/05/2019 19:54

YANBU at all. Even if she wasn’t so shameless about not paying you back straight away. It’s up to you who you loan money to. I rarely loan money to anyone these days because I’ve been screwed over so much in the past by people who are meant to be friends.

PumpkinPie2016 · 03/05/2019 19:55

YANBU I have been in a similar situation and 'lent' money a few times (I was young and naive!) only to not get it back.

Now, I don't lend to anyone - I simply say no. It's hard at first but it gets easier and eventually people stop asking.

LordNibbler · 03/05/2019 19:57

You learned from your first experience. Well done. Stick to your guns, her inability to manage her money is not your responsibility. You should not have had to ask her for the money back. Some people are just piss takers.

Drum2018 · 03/05/2019 19:57

Don't ever lend her money or anyone else for that matter. If you do then it will be your own fault if you never see it again. People are CF to ask in the first place. I'd have no issue saying 'no, I'm not into lending money to anyone'. Can't believe she'd ask again after you having to chase her to get some back.

Original poster

tightass · 03/05/2019 20:07

Thanks everyone I feel a bit better about it now. Yeah she's really crap with handling her money. I hope she's stops asking tbh, said no over 5 times since the first time when she didn't pay me back when she said she would

OP posts:

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 03/05/2019 20:10

Just carry on saying no. Some people just take a bit longer to get the message .

TowerRavenSeven · 03/05/2019 20:10

Yanbu! Neither a loaner nor a lender be! I ‘might’ loan my ds money depending on the circumstances but that’s it!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2019 20:12

Never, never, ever "lend" money. If you want to help someone, just give them the money, and you shouldn't give away money if you can't afford it, anyway. Nothing ruins a relationship like a debt that isn't repaid. If you have no expectation to get the money back, there won't be a problem.

BishopofBathandWells · 03/05/2019 20:15

No, just had this conversation with DP about his piss-taking family members who regularly do this and take weeks or months to return the cash. I've stopped loaning my own mother money because if you ask for it back, she gets pissy.

Some people rely on family/friendship ties but you can bet if you asked them, they wouldn't return the favour.

ControversialFerret · 03/05/2019 20:17

Definitely YANBU. Never lend what you can't afford to lose.

I loaned £400 to a family member last year - was supposed to have it back within 2 weeks. Still don't have it back after 8 months and they haven't mentioned it. I've written it off as I know they are in a crap financial situation and you can't get blood out of a stone, but I won't be lending them any more cash because I know I won't get it back.

MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 20:25

I've stopped loaning my own mother money because if you ask for it back, she gets pissy.

In my experience, when people ask for a "loan" they are really asking for a gift that they may or may not return at some indefinite date in the future. They only use the word loan to make it easier for them to ask, and they assume that you'll understand that it's really code for "gift".

Purpletigers · 03/05/2019 20:28

Never lend money , ever ! If she’s so dreadful at money management could you perhaps sit her down and offer her some advice . The fact she spent the money you did lend her previously on frivolous purchases would indicate she would benefit from some . Don’t spend money on shit you don’t need . It’s really not difficult.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 03/05/2019 20:37

They only use the word loan to make it easier for them to ask, and they assume that you'll understand that it's really code for "gift"

This is so true. Unfortunately, a lot of us really only do learn this through experience.

DH and I had years of it from a sibling on each side. We used to give fairly decent sums of money and pay for things because we felt sorry for them, didn't want their dc to go without and were conscious that we were financially better off. The problem was it became so taken for granted and I mean the type of cheeky fuckery that could fill an MN thread!

It took us a lot longer than it should have to put a stop to it but we did finally. There's still the occasional "heavy hint" but these days we just don't pick up on those .

Far2go46 · 03/05/2019 20:47

No, my friend still owes me £800 from 4 years ago, I've written it off, good friends are hard to find.

BadLad · 04/05/2019 00:11

If you are trying to get out of debt, you don't have the money to lend.

Instead of enabling her wasting it, you could be reducing your own debt, lowering the interest (if any) and bringing the debt-free day a bit closer.

So why on earth would you lend it to someone with a flaky view of repaying it?

If she wants to piss money up the wall, she can run up her own debt to do so.

LadyRannaldini · 04/05/2019 02:45

The reason you may have a bit of money spare is because you bother to manage your budget, she doesn't, tough, don't even consider it and if you lose a friend you'll be better off in the long run.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 04/05/2019 02:56

Nope, I had a friend who I was always letting borrow and not always getting it back. Now if she asks for money I ask what she needs. She stopped asking

Purpleartichoke · 04/05/2019 03:09

Just because you have some money, doesn’t mean you need to lend it.

Not all communities have a culture of borrowing and lending money.

I do have an informal arrangement with a few close friends and family where we alternate who pays for low cost outings like coffee or a cheap takeaway, but big bills always get split in the moment because there should never be more than 5-10 off balance.

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