To not lend money even when I have it

[tightass]

My friend is always asking me for money.

The first time I leant it to her and she promised to pay me back on Monday and then come Monday she was posting pics of things she had bought as she had been paid but no offer of paying me back. I felt really uncomfortable but I ended up asking her to pay me back a few days after as I needed the money.

Now that's really put me off lending her money as I don't want to have to be in the situation where I have to ask for it... therefor I always say no, even if I have it and Im worried it's a bit of a horrible way to be. We aren't so well off or anything like that, I have a strict budget I'm keeping to as we are trying to get out of debt and so to lend her money would be out of my weekly budget which is quite tight as it is.

AIBU to not lend her the money?

Most people don't really have spare money. Even someone on quite a high salary will probably still have a mortgage and bills to pay and things they want to save up for - expensive hobby, new car, family holiday, nest egg for DC, early retirement etc. Only the insanely rich tend to have everything they could possibly want and no need for anymore money.

So my thinking is that you don't lend money, you simply decide that their need is greater than yours -such as an adult DC having some sort of financial crisis- and put your own needs/wants on the backburner and give them the money. It's very unusual that a friend with money management issues would be considered a more important financial priority to someone than themselves and their own family.

Short version - don't lend friends money.

No don't feel bad. She shouldn't keep asking you tbh. Not kind of her to make you feel awkward. Which you shouldn't anyway: it's your money which you've earned and are budgeting!

AIBU to not lend her the money?

Never ever ever ever (x 1M evers) lend money you can't afford to lose.

I had a relative recently ask me to "temporarily lend them £20,000" just until another relative's life assurance policy matured. And just to add extra pressure, it was towards a one time opportunity for a property purchase and it needed to be done within 4 weeks.

After picking myself up off the floor from holding my sides laughing, I decided it would have meant no only would I become an unwitting debt collector to that person, I could see myself being told oh can you go to Aunty Flo and ask her for the money because it's her life policy.

I nearly did a CF thread on here, but it was far quicker to just say " no way José " and cut out the delay.

Lending money is the very scenario for which the expression "never let a good deed go unpunished" was invented.

So you lend the money and have to do without

You at some stage, often years after the borrower committed to pay you back, deign to ask if you can have your money back, and they get really stroppy, rude or sullen with you.

You're left feeling bad for trying to recoup what was rightfully yours in the first place.

They go and badmouth you round your social circle or family.

I'd much rather be known as that tight-arsed daisychain saying no to a request (but at least having the money in my bank account not theirs), than be known as that tight-arsed daisychain who's £xxx lighter and never getting the money back.

I'd happily lend my DM money, she's about the only person - not only do I get my money back but I get a nice dinner as a thank you. That or she ends up giving a bit of extra on top not many of her to the pound as they say.

Don’t feel guilty about saying no. She shouldn't Be asking. Her financial mid-management is not your responsibility.

The chances are, if she is asking you, then she is asking others also.

Maybe next time she asks, suggest she reviews her money and budgets . moneysavingexpert..com has a good budget planner on it..

Mis-management

No, say no or it will never stop.

Don’t lend her money.

Also, who posts pictures of the things they’ve bought? Is she 13 years old?

We'll never lend money again
Partners brother turned up crying (he's 50+) as he'd received notification that the debt was now being called in (£2.5k) - can't remember if it was court or debt collectors. We both had no idea and ofcourse seeing him in distress, We used our savings to pay off the debt their and then...BIG MISTAKE!!

He took the complete piss there on afterwards! Bought new phone, new ipad, booked a holiday etc etc. We asked when he could pay us back...same reply constantly.."I'm skint this month".

Now we won't help anyone, we feel mean but Once bitten...

P.S Took several years to get the money back in dribs and drabs. It's strained the relationship and we both don't believe anything he says these days either.

We regularly lend money to our neighbour (as in every week) as I do the food shopping on a Wednesday and pick up bits for him and he doesn’t get paid till the Thursday. It’s paid back, every week without fail and always without me asking him.

MIL on the other hand borrowed over $7,500 in the last 6 months of last year from me and hasn’t paid any of it back (she won’t as they live week to week and don’t have any savings left).

That’s nearly 5months rent for us, so now the answer is always “no”. She’s sulking now and hasn’t spoken to me properly in over a month.

@tightass

Yeah she's really crap with handling her money. I hope she's stops asking tbh, said no over 5 times since the first time when she didn't pay me back when she said she would
Well done for saying No. that was probably not easy if you are inclined to want to help, but it's often uncomfortable handing over money anyway especially if your own budget is tight, but even worse to have to ask (and keep on asking) when it's not returned promptly/as promised.

I'd now be inclined to tell your friend to please not ask you any more as you really cannot afford to lend money out to anybody out of your already limited funds. Hopefully she'll get the message and back off.

@Far2go46
No, my friend still owes me £800 from 4 years ago, I've written it off, good friends are hard to find.
My goodness. Is this person still your friend then? I'm afraid I'd find this hard to forgive.

Never be a lender or borrower ... we stick to those rules and jog along fine .

Only lend what you will not miss.

Nope YANBU.

I never lend money. I either give it, or say "no I'd rather not, sorry".

Isn't the saying don't lend what you can't afford to lose, or something?

I think the next time she asks you need to just be firmer and say no, and please stop asking, it’s always going to be no.

I never lend money. I work hard for my money and my modest savings have taken years (decades) to accrue. Why would I give it away to someone who can't manage to budget?

No don't feel bad. I lost money constantly lending to someone who 'couldnt' feed or treat her pets (medically). Funny she could always feed herself and smoke. She deserved to lose them and my friendship though i suspect she was more upset losing the cash!

I'm another one who only lends what I can afford to lose, and usually only when something unforseen has come up - I had to travel for work on the day my purse was stolen, and I'm very grateful to the friend who lent me money to make that possible - though she was lending me money I had, just couldn't get access to. I've done the same for another friend in a similar situation. The money was repaid without asking in both cases.

You are in debt so technically you haven't got money until that is paid off.

But stop lending to anyone until you have your own house in order. And when your house is in order, get some savings.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be" is the family motto here.

If you feel in anyway uncomfortable lending a substantial sum to a friend then the safest thing to do is put it down in writing that it is a loan, set out the repayment plan with dates and get them to sign and date it. It feels 'unfriendly' to do it but it sets out the terms and everyone knows where they stand. Plus you have a better chance of getting your money back if you need to resort to legal action. Sadly 'loan' and 'gift' seem to be interchangeable in some people's mind.

If the person you are lending to feels offended by the suggestion then don't lend. Your comeback to that is that is that you don't feel they are respecting you or taking your help

As PPs have said don't loan what you can't afford to lose. I'd be annoyed if I had to remind a friend that I needed paying back. I'm not hard or unkind but a lack of respect over money would harden my heart and my purse would be padlocked.

YANBU at all.

I always say you should never lend money unless you don’t want/need it back. It causes so many rifts between friends and family, it’s just not worth it.

“Neither a borrower nor a lender be; / For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”

So, so true. YANBU

“Neither a borrower nor a lender be; / For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”

"And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry."

In other words, you're not actually doing the borrower any favours, because s/he will never learn to budget properly if there's always someone willing to facilitate his/her bad management.

No, my friend still owes me £800 from 4 years ago, I've written it off, good friends are hard to find.

Agree with Happynow, this person is not a good friend.

OP - No-one is obliged to lend anyone money. Whether you have it or not - it's yours, not someone else's to borrow/spend.

And you don't have it. Just ignore. And look after your own money.