To feel a bit annoyed

[Iamnotagoddess]

Posting here rather than saying what I really feel IRL.

DSDs last came a month ago (we normally have them EOW but DH has had to move further away than the normal 150 miles away and is working some weekends so is a bit sporadic atm).

They are 12 and 14 and after they left I found they had drawn on a windowsill in their bedroom which annoyed me (they aren’t allowed to draw in there for this exact reason).

I told DH and I said he should phone them and address it with them there and then rather than waiting a month and having to “tell them off” when we haven’t seen them for ages.

He didn’t and I reminded him (a few hours after they arrived). They have both denied it (it is impossible to have been anyone else) and DH has just said don’t do it again (they have for for this hence not being allowed to draw in there) and you are not allowed to draw in here anymore (they weren’t anyway!).

I am so annoyed with his lame, shite, guilt parenting

They aren’t allowed to draw in there because they kept getting pen all over the bedding, leaving pencil sharpenings on the floor and scribbling on the furniture, after repeatedly being asked not to.

if my children regularly drew on furniture they wouldn’t be allowed to draw in their bedrooms either.

I think “having rules and boundaries and basic respect” is getting confused with “being strict” here

I understand that. Not sure what you can do about it now though

I was just annoyed.

I know it’s not the end of the world.

He’s said he’ll take them to the new Avengers film at the cinema - when one of them owns up ....

Why doesn’t your DH have them put it right? Eg sanding and repainting, whatever is needed to fix it. Natural consequences and boring too. And with him supervising of course.

It’s definitely deliberate at that age and a defiant gesture but calmly getting them to make good the damage would me more productive than an actual punishment. And if they have form for drawing on furniture it’s absolutely reasonable to not allow drawing in the room.

If this is all correct you seem to be focusing on the wrong thing here OP, yes it’s annoying that they have marked something in your home but what they are writing and why they are doing it is surely more of a concern? You don’t seem to care that there must be some reason why they are doing this as it’s not normal at their age.

@Iamnotagoddess - I remember your last post about the girls writing on the window sill and I totally get where you're coming from, I'm not convinced you deserve the flaming you're getting either.

The way I see it: Either a 12 or 14 year old girl wrote some not particularly charming phrases on a window sill - despite the house rule of not having pens in the bedrooms.

Rather than bring it up with them when it was discovered, your DH decided to wait until weeks later, when they next visited and as neither of them has owned up (so far), there have been no consequences.

Your DH has now said that as long as one of them owns up, they will both get taken to the cinema - so the only consequence of their misbehaviour will be an outing to watch a film.

I'm with you OP, your DH should have called the girls as soon as the damage was discovered - consequences should have implemented much more quickly. If neither girl had owned up, then a suitable punishment (perhaps cleaning all the ground floor windows, inside and out - depending on the size of your house!) should have been applied - certainly not a reward!

It must be incredibly frustrating for you having to sit back and watch your DH choosing not to deal with bad behaviour because he doesn't want to spoil the time he has with his daughters (which I do empathise with, to some extent), but if he had phoned them at their DM's house as soon as the damage was discovered, it would have all been over and done with by the time they visited this weekend and they would have (hopefully) learned that you and DH will not accept this sort of disrespectful behaviour.

@BetsyBigNose

Exactly this.