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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel a bit annoyed

85 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 03/05/2019 19:38

Posting here rather than saying what I really feel IRL.

DSDs last came a month ago (we normally have them EOW but DH has had to move further away than the normal 150 miles away and is working some weekends so is a bit sporadic atm).

They are 12 and 14 and after they left I found they had drawn on a windowsill in their bedroom which annoyed me (they aren’t allowed to draw in there for this exact reason).

I told DH and I said he should phone them and address it with them there and then rather than waiting a month and having to “tell them off” when we haven’t seen them for ages.

He didn’t and I reminded him (a few hours after they arrived). They have both denied it (it is impossible to have been anyone else) and DH has just said don’t do it again (they have for for this hence not being allowed to draw in there) and you are not allowed to draw in here anymore (they weren’t anyway!).

I am so annoyed with his lame, shite, guilt parenting Angry

OP posts:
DoomOnTheBroom · 03/05/2019 22:24

This is exactly why I didn’t say what they had drawn as it’s actually irrelevant.

It is relevant.

You have two children, both of whom are well below the age of consent and below the age where they should be watching/reading adult content, using sexual phrases.

Questions you need to be asking are where have they heard these phrases, why are they using them, and is there anything more sinister going on?

Odds are that it's not anything particularly sinister and they've heard it at school or watched something on YouTube that they shouldn't have watched (in which case there would need to be a talk about what is/isn't appropriate) but it could also be an indication that there is a safeguarding issue there and writing this is a sign that they are being harmed.

I would be very concerned if my DC had written something like this and would not be minimising it by saying what they have written is irrelevant.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 03/05/2019 22:36

Most teenagers have heard the phrase “furry muff”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 03/05/2019 22:42

And tbf - I am actually a social worker (probably a massive drip feed but didn’t really feel it was relevant to my “drawing on the window sill” post) and am pretty confident in recognising any CP issues.

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 03/05/2019 23:17

Just buy some cif. Get them to clean it themselves. Done.
You are making a huge deal out of something that doesn't need to be and your frequent emphasis on it being you and dh's home makes it pretty obvious that you don't consider it their home whilst they are there-which is pretty sad for them.

I'm sure they didn't do it wilfully at all. They probably just got distracted.my dd is 12 and is terrible at keeping her room tidy-it's not wilful bad behaviour-it's just she gets distracted easily and it's not her nature to prioritise tidying or whatever. It's a bit annoying at times but not something to be angry over they way you seem to be. You've held on to this for a whole month! Let it go.

SittingAround1 · 03/05/2019 23:24

I think you're overeacting. Just have a nice weekend together.

user1473878824 · 03/05/2019 23:28

This is the EXACT SAME THREAD you wrote, what, a month, two months ago? I don’t believe it’s happened again. What do you expect to be different in the answers now? They’re teenagers and defaced your house. Do some parenting. I’m not going to bother with you shit from before about how it’s up to him because you’re posting this AGAIN. Yes it is. But it’s also up to you as you’re their stepmother. Tell them off. Sorted. I don’t understand why you’re posting the exact same thing again. Unless it’s bollocks.

Midgey91 · 04/05/2019 00:29

I'm with you OP. By drawing on the window sill it shows a complete lack of respect for others or other people things. Your DH should have spoken to them a few days after it happened.

I don't understand why PP can't see that it's disrespectful to write on people's walls/window sills, regardless of whether it can be wiped clean.

Hisnamesblaine · 04/05/2019 00:41

Did u manage to clean it all off?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/05/2019 07:55

When it happened I was pissed off he didn’t deal with it, they have now come back and because the time has passed he can’t be arsed to deal with it which is exactly why I was pissed off a month ago.

It’s a huge deal that teenagers think it’s ago to draw on the house.

I have deliberately referred to “our” and “the” home - “our” includes my DSDs.

OP posts:
Vulpine · 04/05/2019 07:59

I'm sorry but you sound petty and controlling. I think I'd want to rebel a little if I stayed in your house. Just let it go and stop going on about respect and consequences. That's a sure fire way to make friends.

onanothertrain · 04/05/2019 08:22

Their dad has halved the time he sees them because he moved away. It doesn't matter how much maintenance he pays. Sounds like they are trying to make a point and you don't appear as though you like them at all, very fixated on punishment.

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2019 08:24

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/05/2019 09:44

When this happened he hadn’t gone away to work.

The time has reduced because he is working further away atm not because he will fully doesn’t want to see them.

“Controlling and petty” is hilarious. So if one of your friends visited you and drew on a wall or a windowsill you wouldn’t think anything of it

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/05/2019 09:49

They’re not your friends, they’re your daughters. It obviously isn’t ok to do that, but happy teenagers don’t do that sort of thing.

swingofthings · 04/05/2019 10:02

This thread is disturbing. You're a SW. You therefore know that it isn't normal at all to write on the wall at that age. They've done it before so this can't even an accident. You seem to deal with the act as if you were dealing with 5yo which is odd coming from a SW. You think that one of the girl did it to get the other in trouble but has totally disregarded the possibility that it could be your 17yo doing it, finding it funny to get the girl in trouble.

The whole story sounds totally disfilunctional so the mention of you being a SW makes it even more disturbing.

Exhaustedmummy1811 · 04/05/2019 10:11

Didn't you post a couple of months ago about them leaving uniform in your dhs car? The post then went on for ages about replacing uniforms and phones? I know teenagers like to rebel and can be forgetful but either there is something more going on with them or your over emphasising your point but it does seem like there isn't a very happy dynamic in your house and you and your dh clearly need to communicate better. Did you also post about not wanting to spend your momey on them?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/05/2019 10:13

@Exhaustedmummy1811

No.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 04/05/2019 10:17

I think you just need to leave it now and let go of your annoyance. Enjoy your time with them this weekend.

That being said, I don't think that language is anything out of the ordinary for a teenager. Tame, in fact.

popehilarious · 04/05/2019 10:21

Not to make light of the situation but on my phone the ad underneath this says 'lifetime insurance for your furry friend'

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/05/2019 10:27

@popehilarious

Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/05/2019 11:28

And they aren’t my daughters they are my step-daughters.

I am pretty astounded that people think this is ok from teenagers actually and are either saying I am “uptight” or there is some kind of abuse going on Hmm

And no, my 17 year old did not do it - he’s, well, 17 he’s nearly an adult, a responsible human being.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 11:34

They’re young teenagers with a very unstructured life. Mum is childish in your words, dad has moved hundreds of miles away and step mum seems very strict.
Yes they were wrong but they were obviously bored and pushing boundaries.
What else can dad say? He sees so little of them is it really fair to spend that time punishing them?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/05/2019 13:03

very strict

Not wanting people old enough to know better drawing over the house is not, very strict.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 04/05/2019 13:07

I agree that it’s not ‘very strict’ to think there’s an issue with children of this age drawing on a window sill! There would be consequences if my 5 and nearly 4 year olds did this, as they know better!

Greenyogagirl · 04/05/2019 13:07

Not letting them draw in their bedroom, expecting more than a verbal warning is and not letting it go is what makes you appear strict.