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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never had a good sex life

59 replies

namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:23

I'm newly single with a young baby so fully expecting to not have sex for a long time.

Looking back on my sex life, I've had 4 partners, all lasted between 1-5 years. I'm very attentive and definitely a giver, but have never, ever had a good sex life. Never been with a man willing to 'go down there'. Never been with someone who actively enjoys giving me an orgasm. I've missed out massively and am not sure whether this is normal.

I've even tried guiding the men I've been with but they've all been out for one thing and that is an orgasm (selfish!).

AIBU in hoping that some men really genuinely do get pleasure out of making their other half happy? And to then ask where I find one of these men? Grin

Feel like I've made it to nearly 30 and never had a good sex life and that's a little sad...

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 14:33

That is rubbish. There are men who get pleasure from giving their other half pleasure. In my experience they tend to be older than their 20's and there are some men who like the sex to be guided by the women and welcome being told what to do. They may appear a bit sexually shy at first.

Good luck with the baby.

Independentwoman · 03/05/2019 14:35

You poor thing! I have been there. I was 28 before I had a decent sex life with my current DP. His favourite thing is 'going down there' and we don't finish having sex until I've reached orgasm.

So there are men out there who care about your pleasure and get a kick out of it!

If someone doesn't care about your pleasure they're probably selfish in other areas too.

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:37

Thanks @MissConductUS - he's teething at the moment so sleep is also a thing of the past!

I think I'm just feeling really lonely and am missing sex, but then I look back and realise it was never that great.

Considering a ONS but no idea how to safely go about it and am judging myself a little for considering it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:38

@Independentwoman you give me hope! I'm 28 now. Keeping all bits crossed!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:39

I've never had a man go down on me. Ever. Yes, I'm blushing! It's just never an experience I've had...

OP posts:
Mordred · 03/05/2019 14:44

That's awful! I can't believe there are men who won't go down on a woman.

Giving cunnilingus is one of the most wonderfully enjoyable things on this benighted planet.

user1471450287 · 03/05/2019 14:45

I find that sometimes finishing yourself off during the deed is a massive turn on for guys, and obviously gets you where you need to go!

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:49

@Mordred my ex refused to do it. He thought vaginas were horrid...

@user1471450287 I would finish myself off, but my ex would go downstairs to get food/watch tv whilst I did Confused sexy huh!

OP posts:
Jason118 · 03/05/2019 14:53

I'm sorry some of us are letting the side down - the best feeling in the world is giving pleasure, so keep looking until you get itSmileSmile

Laodamia · 03/05/2019 14:53

my ex refused to do it. He thought vaginas were horrid

How long were you with this man?

Pro tip: Next time you meet a man who's horrified by vaginas, just keep on walking. Do not start a relationship with them!

Beachbodynowayready · 03/05/2019 14:53

Def not a Sarah Mlilican euphemism for going downstairs then op!!
I met the most selfless lover at 42!! There is hope for you too!

Mordred · 03/05/2019 14:55

"He thought vaginas were horrid"

They're wonderful. Has he come out as gay yet? :-)

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:59

@Laodamia 3 years. It's quite complex. He was very abusive and there were lots more reasons why I didn't leave. Mainly because I was scared...

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Beachbodynowayready · 03/05/2019 15:00

I have said on here before, my exh hadn't even seen a fanjo until I was in labour....
Omg he was crap in bed!

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 15:02

@Beachbodynowayready I feel your pain! Even when I was I labour my ex was freaked out by my bits!

OP posts:
BlackPrism · 03/05/2019 15:07

That sucks. I wouldn't say that me and DP are rampant, we have issues due to my sex drive. But he's always been happy to help with oral and takes great pleasure in trying to get me off first! Or even after if I haven't and he's finished.

Men who are grossed out by vaginas are a bit odd imo - most men see vagina and immediately get the lusty eye look 😁😂

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/05/2019 15:08

Yikes. I saw the thread title and thought 'yes, I can relate'. I've never felt completely fulfilled either (except with one partner in my youth; he dumped me)! I'm pretty uninhibited and I like to experiment and push at boundaries; making more discoveries about myself and each other in the process.

DH does not do that. He's not into pornography, which I also used to try and spice things up; although in view of recent stories, maybe I should be thankful as this can be a real can of worms on its own.

But refusing to go down, or even worse, buggering off downstairs to the fridge and leaving me to fix my own orgasm ... no. To paraphrase a favourite quote of mine from that good old film 'Velvet Goldmine' (apt title), that would go down like a fucking knackered lift.

Perhaps I'm not so badly done to as I thought was, and should learn to be grateful!

Laodamia · 03/05/2019 15:08

@namechangelife, well I'm glad you're away from him now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2019 15:11

A ONS isn't necessarily going to sort you out. I mean a casual fuck isn't auditioning for boyfriend so he could be worse.

What I think might help is really looking at the relationships. A man who is selfish and unkind in bed is probably that way everywhere. And you have had a few of them. You want to work out what your priorities in a relationship are and don't settle.

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 15:14

@MrsTerryPratchett absolutely. It's a pattern of behaviour from me. The idea of a committed relationship right now scares the hell out of me. If it happens organically, great, but I'm not looking.

Now I have a son I need a GOOD man or no man.

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goodwinter · 03/05/2019 15:17

OP, your ex was "freaked out by your bits" while you were in LABOUR? Did he actually go out of his way to tell you or show you that?

Some of these comments are really sad. Everyone deserves a partner that wants them to feel good. The sheer selfishness that some people put up with is mind-boggling!

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 15:17

Meet someone kind who cares about you. Then they will enjoy giving you pleasure.

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 15:19

@goodwinter yep he told me it was gross. I felt awful.

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Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 15:20

He told me how fat I was too after having a baby, and that he hated my stretch marks. Yep, he's horrid. On that note I don't think I'm ever going to have the confidence to ever have sex again so maybe this thread is a bit pointless!

OP posts:
Independentwoman · 03/05/2019 15:21

I wouldn't have a ONS. If you're feeling lonely it will like make you feel worse afterwards. Plus you can never be fully safe if it's someone you don't know well... unless you want to invite someone to sit in ther room with the pair of you!

With regards to oral se, you can get oral sex toys for women. I know Love Honey sell one.

Won't be the exact same obviously but might give you an idea.

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