Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never had a good sex life

59 replies

namechangelife · 03/05/2019 14:23

I'm newly single with a young baby so fully expecting to not have sex for a long time.

Looking back on my sex life, I've had 4 partners, all lasted between 1-5 years. I'm very attentive and definitely a giver, but have never, ever had a good sex life. Never been with a man willing to 'go down there'. Never been with someone who actively enjoys giving me an orgasm. I've missed out massively and am not sure whether this is normal.

I've even tried guiding the men I've been with but they've all been out for one thing and that is an orgasm (selfish!).

AIBU in hoping that some men really genuinely do get pleasure out of making their other half happy? And to then ask where I find one of these men? Grin

Feel like I've made it to nearly 30 and never had a good sex life and that's a little sad...

OP posts:
Buster72 · 03/05/2019 15:22

If he doesn't take pleasure in your pleasure then he is not worth keeping.
Whether it's cunnilingus, digital penetration or a sex toy that you use as a couple it is vital that you experience orgasms together.
How any straight man can find the sight of a vagina disgusting is beyond me.

Mordred · 03/05/2019 15:23

"On that note I don't think I'm ever going to have the confidence to ever have sex again"

You need to find a kind, considerate lover who will tease that side out of you. You'll find him.

Mordred · 03/05/2019 15:24

"How any straight man can find the sight of a vagina disgusting is beyond me."

This^

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 15:25

You need to find a kind, considerate lover who will tease that side out of you. You'll find him.

I think deep down I'm scared I won't, but at the same time don't want a relationship either. Maybe I'll think about being open to it down the line but right now I feel scared.

The sex thing has always been a sticking point.

OP posts:
Laodamia · 03/05/2019 15:25

How any straight man can find the sight of a vagina disgusting is beyond me

I suspect men like this are deeply closeted. Disgusted by vaginas, abusive to their partner, critical of their partner's appearance. Self hating gay man.

Independentwoman · 03/05/2019 15:25

Don't let his horrible words put you off! Can you imagine the HUGE number of women who have stretch marks? Someone who loves you doesn't care about these things, they only see you and love every part of you.

You might need to work on your confidence and self esteem before you think about another man to make sure you find one who will treat you properly... and he'll definitely want to please you as part of that!

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 15:26

He's definitely not gay, just deeply insecure and hates women!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2019 15:27

I didn’t have hood sex until I was 32, before this I was married to someone who was pretty vanilla, I had been with a few people before but was young and unexpereanced, I went years without sex whilst with exh, totally went off it because it seemed like a lot of effort for not much pleasure. Since being single I have had several really good sexual partners (but not serious relationships) and have discovered that sex can be more fun and pleasurable.

My exh told me I was fat and that no one would ever want to sleep with me, he was wrong. No one has ever mentioned my stretch marks or celulaite, men don’t generally care about these things so don’t let your ex knock your confidence.

MagicKingdomDizzy · 03/05/2019 15:33

I'm Shock at some of the stories of men who are selfish in bed.

My husband and I aren't at it like rabbits, but when we do have sex it's about pleasure for both of us, not just one.

And my husband can't orgasm unless I have come already Confused

crankyassnoperope · 03/05/2019 15:33

My advice to you, from this point onwards talk frankly, openly and unapologetically about sex with anyone you're considering having it with. BEFORE you have it with them. And if it isn't sex you're full on enjoying once you get down to it; like they've said all the right things but when it comes down to it they're actually just using them for their own orgasm; tell them to get off, pull your jeans back on and don't waste time with them.

Seriously, there's absolutely no shame in what you want. You're prepared to give back, and what you're looking for is completely reasonable IMO. So ask for it; bring it up on that third date, before you roll back to one or other's flat for the night. And stand up for it; if you're not enjoying sleeping with someone, stop sleeping with them. Yeah, like mid way through! If nothing else it's empowering to express what you want, to stand up for it, and to not waste your time with sex you don't want to be having. That's my advice.

Laodamia · 03/05/2019 15:46

^^ Absolutely

Talking is key. What you like, what you don't like etc. It amazes me that so many people find talking to their partner about sex to be a bigger deal than having sex with that partner. Being able to talk about what you want is very empowering. It will give you a confidence.

Rockmysocks · 03/05/2019 16:01

Vaginas horrid??! He was definitely latent!

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 16:12

Rpckmysocks. I've spoken to a few straight men, mostly younger, who say they don't like vaginas. They can't all be gay. I think they are either scared of them or prefer a porn vagina which takes a good hammering and expects nothing nice in return.

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 16:13

Don't even let anyone in your vagina until they've introduced themselves politely and been very very nice to it!

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 16:13

@SignedUpJust4This I think the latter. I think some men expect non existent labia and completely smooth smelling of strawberries etc.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 16:17

Well that's not my kind of man I'm afraid! Mine isn't smooth but it smells OK. My DH seems to like it. I was once in a discussion with a group of younger men and they all professed to hating hairy fannies. I told them they were nuts and mine was au naturel and I didn't give a toss what a bloke thought. They acted disgusted at the time but it didn't stop 2 of them trying it on with me. (don't worry they didn't get very far)

SignedUpJust4This · 03/05/2019 16:18

My weird point is - most men are just grateful to get near one.

Mordred · 03/05/2019 16:20

Thunderous round of applause for au naturel fannies.

Babdoc · 03/05/2019 16:21

I wonder if this is the result of online porn affecting men’s attitude to women?
I’m in my 60’s now, but when I was a student my boyfriend (later DH) and his male mates would exchange books with each other on how to give women orgasms, and they would have felt a bit of a failure in bed if they didn’t manage to satisfy a partner. This was back in the 70’s, when men were more into the long haired hippy, laid back and loving style rather than aggressive porn studs. Time for a retro revival, I think!

Mordred · 03/05/2019 16:25

"I wonder if this is the result of online porn affecting men’s attitude to women?"

I think probably it is. I'm 56 and remember devouring anything I could on how to give a woman pleasure when I was a teen.

Laodamia · 03/05/2019 16:27

Bald fannies, bleached anuses, and women moaning in pleasure at being doubly penetrated by two massive cocks have definitely skewed some men's idea of what pleasurable sex for a woman looks like. Most porn is about the male orgasm. The woman is just a receptacle.

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 16:29

Very sad Sad if some people think porn = reality and even worse that this is where people's expectations stem from!

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 03/05/2019 16:40

Took a long time to find a man that wasn't selfish. We look after each other 😊

You can find one, you've just got to sift through the rubbish a bit. Gosh, that sounds incredibly crass but its true.

Mordred · 03/05/2019 16:46

"if some people think porn = reality and even worse that this is where people's expectations stem from!"

My son is 12 - I worry what he'll be exposed to. I do talk to him about it and try to explain that isn't what it's really like. He listens, just hope he'll take some of it on board.

Original poster
namechangelife · 03/05/2019 16:49

@Mordred my son is 6 months. I'm sure I'll be doing the same!

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread