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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral To Wedding!

69 replies

GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 13:51

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on here so not sure how it works so here goes.
My mother recently passed away suddenly at 54 we have her funeral on the 30th May. My problem is my partner also has her ex-WIFES wedding this month he told me it was on the 24th so when arranging the funeral i made sure it didnt clash so we made the funeral for the 30th. He then tells me the day after id been to the funeral directors and booked everything that its actually on the 31st!
I was very upset with him and told him that he'll have to tell her he cant go and that if they need a dog sitter i can have the dog.
He then told me he will have to leave on the evening after the funeral! I told him i would need him then and he cant just leave.
The next day i asked him about it again and he said he'll have to go or it will cause a problem so i told him very upset that any reasonable normal person would understand why he cant go. So he agreed that the right thing to do would be to stay with me.
Then today he rings me from work and says he'll have to go but he'll leave the morning of the 31st instead of the evening of the 30th. I told him that he cant do that to me i would need hes support. Now hes agreed again and is going to talk to her but i feel hurt that he would even think about going still and not just say of course ill stay with you.

So here's my problem am i being unreasonable asking him to stay with me and missing his ex's wedding or hes being unfair to me because he finds funerals and stuff uncomfortable?

Sorry if it doesnt make complete sense im very upset.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 03/05/2019 13:57

I think you are being unreasonable not letting him go the morning after. He will be with you for the funeral and back the following day. Let him go to his friend's wedding (I say friend as if she isn't then not sure why he is going - unless there are kids involved). If he has kids and they are expecting dad to be there you are bing more unreasonable. Get a friend to sit with you for the day.

Okthen5 · 03/05/2019 13:59

Why is he going to his exes wedding???
Also, why such a long wait for the funeral?
In response to the question though, I don't see why he shouldn't go the day after the funeral.

TheTrollFairy · 03/05/2019 14:00

I personally think you should let him go. Does he have children with his ex?

Book yourself something to do on the 31st or organise a day to do something with your friend. You will find that it will help lift your mood following the funeral

5foot5 · 03/05/2019 14:00

Sorry for your loss but I think YABU. He will be there to support you on the day of the funeral. Why do you need him there the day after?

ChocoCrocc · 03/05/2019 14:00

Honestly if it was me I'd stay with my DP if I knew he was going to find it tough.

Are him and his ex very close still? Will he actually be missing out if he doesn't go or was it a courtesy invite to her wedding?

I'm still on friendly terms with one of my exes but I know who I'd prioritize in this situation, especially if my DP had made it known he was going to find it difficult after the funeral.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2019 14:03

Why is he going to his ex's wedding?

5foot5 · 03/05/2019 14:04

Also, why such a long wait for the funeral?

It is surprising how long it can take these these days. I remember when my Dad died in the 1980s h died on the Monday and we had the funeral on the Friday.

However, when my Mum died 2 years ago it was nearly 3 weeks before we could have the funeral. No complications or anything, pre-existing medical condition and she had a funeral plan in place, it just seemed to take that long to get a slot.

If the OP's mother died suddenly then maybe they have had to wait for an inquest or something.

Thehop · 03/05/2019 14:04

I think he’s supporting you on the day and that’s enough, he’s done enough by going the next morning.

FaithFrank · 03/05/2019 14:05

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Neither of you is BU it is a difficult situation. Him going for the day only seems like a good compromise. Ask a friend to stay with you and support you when dp is not there.

TixieLix · 03/05/2019 14:05

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Your DM was still young so I'm sure you're still in shock about the whole thing. Your DP has been unreasonable in how he's handled things - the muddle of dates and unable to make up his mind about attending the wedding.

However, as he is able to leave the morning after the funeral, I think you should let him go. I'm assuming he has DC with the exW and they've maintained a friendly relationship? Do you have a sibling/DC/friend that could spend the day with you so that you are not alone?

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:06

She died suddenly and has to be a postmortem ect.
They have a daughter who is 18 she's old enough to be fine.
Im 28 and have 2 small children plus my father is dying of terminal cancer its a very hard time for me and i will need him.
His ex treated him badly during there marriage and hes always moaning about her so i dont understand why he needs to go in the first place.

OP posts:
ChocoCrocc · 03/05/2019 14:09

Yes I'd definitely stay with my DP then.

I don't think he's necessarily being unreasonable trying to look for a compromise but I know that's what I'd do in this situation especially as their child is older now and they don't seem to be particularly friendly.

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:09

It wont be just a day as its over a 100 miles away.

OP posts:
Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:10

If it was the other way round i would stay with him and put hes needs over my ex without a doubt.

OP posts:
BiscuitDrama · 03/05/2019 14:10

I think it’s plenty notice to say he can’t go to the wedding.

MummyStruggles · 03/05/2019 14:10

I'm struggling to understand why he's so intent on attending the wedding of his ex-wife if a) his daughter is old enough to look after herself and b) he doesn't seem to particularly like the woman very much?

Anywho, I'm sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Toooldtocareanymore · 03/05/2019 14:12

im sorry about your mum, maybe you just need to focus on that for a while, maybe this worrying about what you will need the day after a day that's 4 weeks away is just distraction you form your grief, your mum was very young and you shouldn't have lost her so early. But honestly if I was waiting for almost month for a funeral i'd be expecting to be back at work the next day Friday 31st so were your expecting your dp to take that day off work? he's compromising with you, you wont be alone the night of the funeral, accept this is his best effort, you will manage.

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:13

Normally i dont mind what he does as i trust him, he goes away with friends and stuff but this time its not that simple.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 03/05/2019 14:14

Sorry. I think he’s found a good compromise.

I think it’s just time to accept it.

TixieLix · 03/05/2019 14:15

OK, after your update I change my response and say your DP should stay with you. The fact you are dealing with two young children (are they DPs?) and a terminally ill DF, you have enough on your plate and he should be giving his support. Strange he's so keen to be at the ex's wedding if she treated him badly during their marriage. How long have you and your DP been together?

M00nUnit · 03/05/2019 14:15

Of course he should prioritise you over his ex's wedding. You've just lost your mother and he needs to be there for you!

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:16

he already has the day off and weekend off hes quite high up in hes job. He wants to go to see people he use to know and cant deal with funeral stuff but hes being selfish.

OP posts:
Babooshkar · 03/05/2019 14:17

I would not be impressed with your DP’s decision making here. You obviously can’t make him stay with you, but he shouldn’t be prioritising his EXW

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:18

We have been together 2 and half years now. No my boys arent his but the father isnt in the picture as he was in trouble with the police and i clearly chose my children but thats another story.

OP posts:
speedbird55 · 03/05/2019 14:19

I'm very sorry for your loss Thanks

I also lost my mum far too early so have a little understanding of the situation & however Wrong you may feel that it is for your partner to go to the wedding I think if he goes the next day it will be ok , you can make it a special day with just you and the two DC or with your father as well , don't forget your dad will need a load of support right now too

For what it's worth I found people trying to keep me company was very claustrophobic at that time when really I just needed some time alone with my own thoughts

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