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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral To Wedding!

69 replies

GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 13:51

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on here so not sure how it works so here goes.
My mother recently passed away suddenly at 54 we have her funeral on the 30th May. My problem is my partner also has her ex-WIFES wedding this month he told me it was on the 24th so when arranging the funeral i made sure it didnt clash so we made the funeral for the 30th. He then tells me the day after id been to the funeral directors and booked everything that its actually on the 31st!
I was very upset with him and told him that he'll have to tell her he cant go and that if they need a dog sitter i can have the dog.
He then told me he will have to leave on the evening after the funeral! I told him i would need him then and he cant just leave.
The next day i asked him about it again and he said he'll have to go or it will cause a problem so i told him very upset that any reasonable normal person would understand why he cant go. So he agreed that the right thing to do would be to stay with me.
Then today he rings me from work and says he'll have to go but he'll leave the morning of the 31st instead of the evening of the 30th. I told him that he cant do that to me i would need hes support. Now hes agreed again and is going to talk to her but i feel hurt that he would even think about going still and not just say of course ill stay with you.

So here's my problem am i being unreasonable asking him to stay with me and missing his ex's wedding or hes being unfair to me because he finds funerals and stuff uncomfortable?

Sorry if it doesnt make complete sense im very upset.

OP posts:
ChocoCrocc · 03/05/2019 14:19

He wants to go to see people he use to know and cant deal with funeral stuff but hes being selfish

At a time like this, you should come before him wanting to see his old mates.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/05/2019 14:19

Flowers I can’t imagine what you are going through.

I think he being spectacularly insensitive.

He should cancel and stay with you and I think it’s weird he is even thinking of going particularly since he made you MOVE YOUR MOTHERS FUNERAL To accommodate an ex. (Albeit to the wrong day)

He needs to give his head a wobble and prioritise you

MrsSpenserGregson · 03/05/2019 14:22

I'm so sorry about your mum Flowers. I hope you're OK.

I don't think he's found a good compromise, I think it's really shit of him. I've lost both my parents, and if my DH had said he was going to an ex's wedding the day after one of the funerals I would have fallen to pieces. Many people find that the time immediately after the funeral is the hardest part, when all the planning and anticipation of the funeral is over and you are left with the reality of your loss. I, like you, had two young children when my mum died, and I absolutely needed DH to be there for us, and to support me. He was amazing and I love and respect him all the more for being the absolute rock he was at that awful time.

I hope you manage to work this out.

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:24

Of course your dp should stay with you.

Jesus since when is an ex's wedding more important than you, his current partner? You are going through so much, if there is to be a future for you both he needs to support you.

AdaColeman · 03/05/2019 14:24

I think he should stay with you to support you at a very difficult time. The period immediately after a funeral can be very emotional and distressing.
Why is he so determined to go to his Ex wife's wedding? He must still have strong emotional ties to her, many people would not want their Ex at their wedding!

SunshineCake · 03/05/2019 14:25

Does he want out of the relationship but is too weak to say so ?

Springwalk · 03/05/2019 14:25

Sorry for your loss op, it is very hard indeed Flowers and you need all the love and support possible.

Mythreeknights · 03/05/2019 14:30

I'm in agreement with those who say YANBU - I think your needs are greater than his ex wife, who you say treated him badly in their relationship. It's not just your mum's funeral - with everything else going on you must be feeling like you can't depend on him at all to be there for you when you are at your most vulnerable. It's confusing that you waited for him to confirm the wedding date and then he changed it. Time to put yourself first.

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:30

*I'm so sorry about your mum flowers. I hope you're OK.

I don't think he's found a good compromise, I think it's really shit of him. I've lost both my parents, and if my DH had said he was going to an ex's wedding the day after one of the funerals I would have fallen to pieces. Many people find that the time immediately after the funeral is the hardest part, when all the planning and anticipation of the funeral is over and you are left with the reality of your loss. I, like you, had two young children when my mum died, and I absolutely needed DH to be there for us, and to support me. He was amazing and I love and respect him all the more for being the absolute rock he was at that awful time.*

This is exactly how i feel im ok at the moment as i have so much to do as she didnt leave a will but i know just after i will need him the most.

OP posts:
Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:32

I do feel like i cant depend on him and i need to as he had a car accident a year and a half ago and dropped everything to go 130 miles up the country to be by his side and home educated my children for 2 weeks ( with the schools help) to make sure i could be there to help him so i feel very devalued by this.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 03/05/2019 14:33

I can never understand why people are friends with their exes. Doesn’t make sense to me. Any how if he wants to go let him but I’d rethink my future with somebody who’s not there when he’s wanted.

Drum2018 · 03/05/2019 14:33

Codolences to you on the death of your mum. I would not be impressed if my partner left me home with 2 young kids the day after my mother's funeral to go to his ex's wedding. He needs to get his priorities straight. If his dd is 18 then he has absolutely no obligation to his ex. Dd is an adult and won't need daddy there to hold her hand so he has absolutely no reason to go.

5foot5 · 03/05/2019 14:34

At 18 his DD might not need her father there but she might like to see him and vice versa.

31st May is a Friday. If he wasn't going to the wedding would you expect him to take another day off work to be with you? What would you expect him to do?

In 3 weeks time you will obviously still be grieving but you might be feeling strong enough that you don't need him there the whole time.

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:37

I don't understand why he needs to go either especially while this is all happening.
Lllot5 - I have been thinking that today.

OP posts:
Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:39

He not with the whole time now but that few days will be very hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:40

No one gets over the mothers death in 3 weeks thats ridiculous.

OP posts:
ChocoCrocc · 03/05/2019 14:43

At 18 his DD might not need her father there but she might like to see him

And she's also old enough to understand that his partners mother dying and her funeral should take priority over his ex wife's wedding. She isn't a baby.

ChuckleBuckles · 03/05/2019 14:44

YANBU after your updates OP you must feel like you cannot rely on this man for support when things are tough for you yet he would expect your support, put a pin in that for now and have a think about that when you are feeling stronger.

You just have to accept that he is going to the ex-wife's wedding rather than support you when you need it so for now just focus on getting through the next few weeks, are there any friends or family that you can draft in to help and support you with the kids on the day of and the day after the funeral, maybe speak to a close friend, let them know what you may need on the two days and let them step in when needed. My own mum died when I was young and I found the day after to be tough going, it was almost like everyone was holding there breath in anticipation of getting through the funeral and then felt numb the day after, a bit lost as to what to do when everyone else just went back to "normal" life. Might it be a good idea to spend the day with your dad and siblings and just remember your mum together.

Flowers for you OP and your lovely mum

HeckyPeck · 03/05/2019 14:45

If it was the other way round i would stay with him and put hes needs over my ex without a doubt.

Absolutely. So would any caring partner. If my husband had just been to his mum’s funeral, I would be there rather than at a wedding. But not only that you have 2 young children and your father is dying. It’s an absolute no brainer. Anyone who would rather go see old mates than support their partner is incredibly selfish to the point that I would question being in a relationship with them.

notangelinajolie · 03/05/2019 14:47

I don't see why he can't go to this wedding but then again I don't understand why he wants to go to this wedding in the first place.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

user1474894224 · 03/05/2019 14:48

Sorry but you came - asked if you were being unreasonable. Lots of.people said yes. Then you bring out more and more reasons/excuses why you are not being unreasonable. I'm afraid it doesn't change anything. If my partner told me I couldn't go to a wedding I would be really mad at him. You are being unfair. Let him go. In fact he really doesn't have to ask your permission....

Drum2018 · 03/05/2019 14:48

Might like to see him and vice versa - this most certainly does not trump supporting your current partner through the sudden death of her mother. They can see each other another time and no doubt plenty of times after that.

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:48

Theres only me and my sister whos younger than me but is very difficult sometimes as she never worked and still lived at home. my dad will be around but he has treatment and will have to go home as they live the other side of the country. I would like him to stay longer but it has to had treatment or i will have no parents left.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 03/05/2019 14:52

So sorry for the loss of your Mum.

Is there some reason that his daughter particularly feels like she needs his support on the day of her MuMs wedding, as it does come across like he feels he needs to be there for some reason.

Honestly, the day after the funeral, and as long as he's only gone for the wedding and then straight back afterwards, I think you need to accept that he's going.

Original poster
GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:54

user1474894224 - its been about 50-50 actually and i think that just depends on what you have been through in life and how you see yourself. Your opinion just not override everyone elses and i read and think about each one in this situation as im trying to make a reasonable and FAIR decision for my feelings plus if you read some of my comments you'll see i let him do what he like and would never ask or tell him not to, however this is slightly different!

OP posts:
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