Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Funeral To Wedding!

69 replies

GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 13:51

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post on here so not sure how it works so here goes.
My mother recently passed away suddenly at 54 we have her funeral on the 30th May. My problem is my partner also has her ex-WIFES wedding this month he told me it was on the 24th so when arranging the funeral i made sure it didnt clash so we made the funeral for the 30th. He then tells me the day after id been to the funeral directors and booked everything that its actually on the 31st!
I was very upset with him and told him that he'll have to tell her he cant go and that if they need a dog sitter i can have the dog.
He then told me he will have to leave on the evening after the funeral! I told him i would need him then and he cant just leave.
The next day i asked him about it again and he said he'll have to go or it will cause a problem so i told him very upset that any reasonable normal person would understand why he cant go. So he agreed that the right thing to do would be to stay with me.
Then today he rings me from work and says he'll have to go but he'll leave the morning of the 31st instead of the evening of the 30th. I told him that he cant do that to me i would need hes support. Now hes agreed again and is going to talk to her but i feel hurt that he would even think about going still and not just say of course ill stay with you.

So here's my problem am i being unreasonable asking him to stay with me and missing his ex's wedding or hes being unfair to me because he finds funerals and stuff uncomfortable?

Sorry if it doesnt make complete sense im very upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 14:57

I have to go to pick up my children now. will check back later to reply.
Thank you so fair for all the comments x

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 03/05/2019 14:59

Your partner going to his exe's wedding is all ok for the day after your family funeral. .Some of these things in life,just have to be dealt with, so no use causing an issue with this.

But very sorry for the loss of your Mum,so young,

diddl · 03/05/2019 15:00

*"I think you are being unreasonable not letting him go the morning after. He will be with you for the funeral and back the following day. "

Christ-Op's just lost her mum unexpectedly at 54yrs of age.

I'm not sure why he's considering going to the wedding at all tbh.

Unless his daughter really needed him there.

FrancisCrawford · 03/05/2019 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTreeHearsYourSecret · 03/05/2019 15:04

I am sorry about your Mum

My Mum died when I was 36 and Dh had the day off for the funeral but had to be back in work the next day due to work commitments and the rest of the week.

I had a 6 year old and a 3 year old to take to school/nursery plus we were moving house 3 days later. It was incredibly stressful.

Sometimes you just have to get on with it. The world keeps turning no matter how much you want everyone else to pause it just can't happen.

I think it is lovely that he has a nice relationship with his ex and wants to go to her wedding. Your grief will not last a day, it will be forever, you just get used to dealing with the pain. He will be there for you for the rest of it but just not that day.

Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2019 15:05

Sorry OP, he should be supporting you and not attending his ex’s wedding. No way would I want to go to my ex’s wedding even though we have children together. I can understand his reason for wanting to go and see people he knows but he colluded do that another time, he doesn’t have to go to the wedding to see them?

I would be telling him not to come back if he chooses the wedding over supporting you through the funeral.

warriorprincessandwidowed · 03/05/2019 15:09

My husband is dead 19 weeks on Sunday and I'm still a walking disaster....

He's a right arsehole and this is your life.... the wedding should have been cancelled the moment your mother died.... and for what its worth I stayed with my husband when his own mother passed and got sacked... because it was the right thing to do

ThanosSavedMe · 03/05/2019 15:09

I don’t think yabu at all. I’d be wondering why he is so insistent on going to this wedding.

So sorry about your mum.

slingthegin · 03/05/2019 15:11

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum.

He has his priorities wrong. If I was his ex wife I'd think likewise.

5foot5 · 03/05/2019 15:11

No one gets over the mothers death in 3 weeks thats ridiculous.

No one is suggesting that you will be over it. That would be ridiculous. But, speaking from personal experience, I don't necessarily agree that you will feel worse the day after than you will any others.

I lost my Mum a couple of years ago. In some ways the period immediately after the funeral felt more calm and back to normal then any of the period leading up to it.

Lots of people came to the service, we had a lovely personal ceremony and an informal get together afterwards with the chance to talk to and thank people for coming, many of whom I hadn't seen in years. When it was over there was a feeling of satisfaction. Seems a strange word to use I know but we felt that this was the last thing we could do for her and we had done it right and given her what she would have called "a good send off".

Starlive23 · 03/05/2019 15:13

YANBU OP,it sounds like you are really going through an awful time and need support from the people you love. I'd be exactly the same it I was in your position.

cornflakegirl · 03/05/2019 15:13

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for what you are going through with your Dad as well

I think the comments about whether he would be at work the next day are irrelevant. A work day is very different from most of 2 days. And I imagine that the evening once the kids are in bed will be particularly hard. I hope you can find someone to support you, whether or not that's him.

Original poster

GamerGirlKaty · 03/05/2019 16:53

Thank you for all your nice comments. i know myself from person experience in the past with a lot of other family members dying that the day after i feel awful as it feels more real right now i have so much to sort out with the funeral and estate plus inquest and postmortem that i don't have time to feel so i know once its over i will need him.

I will update for the people who are interested with what he decides.

Thanks Everyone xx

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 03/05/2019 17:05

That is often when it hits after the limbo between the death and the funeral.

I hope he makes the right decision and stays OP.

I do have to add that it wouldn’t even be a decision for me. If my partner needed me for something like this I’d be there.

diddl · 03/05/2019 17:11

"That is often when it hits after the limbo between the death and the funeral."

Yes.

I found that I was just starting to get "used to" the thought of losing mum when there was the funeral to get through & it was as if I'd lost her all over again & was back to the start of grieving.

Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2019 17:19

You are right OP, I think after the funeral is the hardest part, at the moment you are busy sorting things and arranging the funeral, once it’s over it feels final and then there’s time to reflect and grieve, the day after the funeral is pretty tough and you need all the support you can get.

Missingstreetlife · 03/05/2019 18:31

Sorry for your loss. It's his fuckup, he told you the wrong date. He should suck it up and support you.

agentdaisy · 03/05/2019 20:12

He's being an absolute arse. He should be with you not sodding off to his ex's wedding the day after your mum's funeral, more so because he'll be away overnight if its so far away. Him having to work that day would be different because its not always possible to get time off and he'd be gone a few hours not a couple of days.

Everyone is different but like pp I found the weeks between my mum dying, and the funeral was a kind of limbo. In some ways it didn't seem real, I was organising the funeral and looking after the kids and I thought I was coping really well.

The day after the funeral I fell apart, it seemed to hit me all at once that she was really gone. Thankfully my DH is absolutely amazing and had booked a couple of days off work as he knew I'd need him. I didn't even have to ask him to he just did it and was there for me when I really needed him.

fargo123 · 04/05/2019 03:05

YANBU

I don't understand why he's even going to his ex's wedding in the first place, let alone at a time like this.

This would make me take a long hard look at my relationship and consider whether I even wanted to still be with him. If you can't rely on him during a very dark time in your life, then when can you? Is he always going to prioritise his ex over you? If so, dump him.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread