Yet another wedding thread!

[MissB83]

This is probably very outing but I'm past caring!!

Some months ago I agreed to be a bridesmaid to a friend, whom we shall call Bridezilla. I was surprised to be asked to be honest, partly as we weren't amazingly close but also as I'm a single mum to a (now 14 month old) little boy. Also I recently moved away from my previous address, about 80 miles (and from the site of the wedding). We are living with my parents at the moment as I'm waiting to move into a new house, so it's a difficult time.

The wedding is this weekend. There have been a few issues!:

the wedding is (now) 80 miles away from us so I have to bring my son and my mum down to London for two nights (my son can't sleep without me and I'm expected to be there for 9am on the wedding day and obviously until late afterwards). Even a budget hotel is costing £400 + food expenses. Originally Bridezilla offered for her dad to pay a contribution of £100 towards the hotel. Having sent bank details today for this she suddenly decides that she doesn't want to pay the money because it will be going to my mum who paid for the hotel up front as I had no ready cash (did I mention I just bought a house?!)

I didn't go to the hen do, because it was in a different city some way away, and I moved house a couple of days after so it was a very stressful time. This didn't go down very well.

*the wedding itself has been quite lavish but bridesmaids have been bought dresses and having hair done, but no shoes, no cover ups or jackets, no make up. Seems like a strange set of priorities? I've bought myself a cover up to wear and some make up. Another £150.
*
possibly most upsetting, after I agreed to be a bridesmaid it was made clear that my son wouldn't be a welcome guest at the wedding! And he is her godson hence the need to rope in family to help.

AIBU that other people's weddings shouldn't need to be this difficult?!! I wish I'd never said I would do it!

Here's a genuine question: I wanted to decline right from the off as I knew it would be a massive pain and I couldn't do the job well for her. Is there a polite way to decline when someone asks you?!!!! I only said yes to be polite as I thought it would hurt her feelings!

Really?

How about thank you very much, I really appreciate the honour of being asked but sadly it will not be possible.

You do sound as if you are making a bit of a meal of this. I came on to ask you at what point did you first get an inkling that it would not be a good idea for you to be her bridesmaid, which you have now answered.

Is it possible that she only asked you because you are from the same church and you asked her to be godmother?

Once this is all done, I would encourage you to look for some assertiveness training.

@Ellisandra lol I am, and it’s actually okay where I am today!!

HOWEVER I admit, I haven’t looked at the forecast, which I must do now as I’m away with dp for the week from tomorrow and I need to know if I’m packing my bikini or my ski jacket!!! Lol

Unfortunately with the wedding in a few days I don't think I can decline it now

You said in the OP that it's this weekend ...

If you’re away in the UK... both!

OP, I think YABU to call this woman a bridzilla, she really is not one and doesn't deserve the way you are speaking of her. She never should have offered that £100 or retracted it. But that aside, nothing else she is doing is wrong. You agreed to be a bridesmaid You have a baby, you bought a house and live 80 miles away, and you don't have any make-up. To be blunt, none of this is her problem and she shouldn't be organizing her wedding to suit you. The fact she paid for dresses and hair is pretty normal, you are being quite grabby expecting her to pay for the other bits. You should have declined this but you didn't and now it's too late so you better just suck it up and get on with it. I'm sure your mum will understand if you need to take your time paying her back.

You could have - and still can - say no.

@SavingSpaces2019 What an awful thing to do to a bride! Let them down last minute like that? The poor woman would have planned on having her as a bridesmaid, bought her a dress, paid for her dinner and then to be one short last minute? That's an incredibly selfish and nasty to do to someone.

I think it's a bit more Bridesmaidzilla to be honest.

Anything to do with weddings means you have to dig deep.

There is always the option to say No.

I don't wear make up either but i would not spend that much for one day! Mascara and a lipstick would have sufficed. Your child is old enough to spend a couple of nights away from you. Your mother could have stayed home with him. You could have travelled alone, I have travelled 2.5-3 hours alone to get somewhere. It's viable. Couldn't you message the bride to ask about the hotel room cost, in a nice way? I think hand on heart you've talked your way out of going, you don't want to go.

£400 on a hotel? I've got a hotel in central London booked for £49. £150 on a shawl and make up?????? You could have spent £20 on some make up from Superdrug or boots? Yabu not the bride.

Is there a polite way to decline when someone asks you?!!!!

huh?!? what about thank you so much, I am flattered/honoured but unfortunately I cannot, but thank you.
If you already had plans on that weekend, you would have found a way to decline.

I think it's a bit more Bridesmaidzilla to be honest.
I agree, strictly no need to spend as much as you did, no one asked you to do so!

I don't understand why your hotel cost so much. I have just booked a decent hotel in Paddington for myself and two other adults, it cost less than £100, for us all, including breakfast. Plenty of other options were available at a similar price also.

I've just looked at central London hotels - Premier Inn Smithsfield for this weekend is £256 for 2 nights.

White boleros or shawls on boohoo.com for £20.

Vichy hypoallergenic powder foundation £23.

Total £296.

As above was for this weekend btw, and not any particular special offer either. Plenty of Travel Lodges and Premier Inns available in all areas of London for less than £100 for a room for 4 people plus breakfast, so really don't understand why you paid so much.

@SavingSpaces2019 What an awful thing to do to a bride!
I agree - unless you can afford to lose half a grand......

Cover up - she was quite prescriptive that it either had to be a bolero type jacket or a scarf/pashmina thing in white

I disagree with a few posters on here. If the bride is specifying a particular type of cover-up as part of the outfit, she should be paying for it. I would never wear a white bolero or pashmina again and don't have any stuck in the back of my wardrobe.

Also I am surprised it seems to be more typical that accommodation for at least the bridesmaid is not covered. Generally where I am from, the direct wedding parties accommodation costs are covered (i.e. bridesmaids and groomsmen). I wouldn't expect her to cover your mother and child's accommodation costs, as reasonably she may assume that you would sort childcare for the night in your homeplace rather than bringing your mother and child along.

Having said all that, it sounds unpleasant the way she retracted her offer of money. If there ever is a next time, say no to being a bridesmaid, just a whole pile of hassle most of the time

I think there is a mix of unreasonableness on both sides here.

I think she was wrong to offer a hotel contribution and then withdraw it. There isn’t really any excuse for that, she has behaved very badly.

The rest of it I suspect is more your own responsibility. You absolutely did not need to spend £400 on accommodation in London. You could have taken two rooms in a premier inn for £280, or an Airbnb for significantly less.

I also think the bolero was your choice. You could have got a wrap on amazon for £6, even if you never spent it again. The £70 on makeup and brushes was also your choice. You can buy a hypoallergenic foundation for £9, a mascara for £6, eyeliner for £5.29 and eyeshadow palette for £4.99, all took me 2 minutes to find on amazon, along with a set of eleven brushes for a tenner. The quality probably isn’t amazing, but if it was just for the benefit of the wedding and nothing else you could have had wrap and makeup for less than £50. Spending £130 was your choice!

So... I can see why you’re annoyed about the withdrawn offer of a contribution to your hotel, because while I don’t think the bride was obliged to offer that she did nonetheless and she should have stood by that. But I think you’re allowing it to colour your view of the other things, which I think are your responsibility rather than hers.

In your shoes, I'd cancel the hotel and pull out of going to the wedding.
The only people on here who think her behaviour (about offering money for the hotel then withdrawing it just because your mum originally paid the bill and all the other shit) is perfectly ok are fellow bridezillas.

What is all the other shit exactly mycatisblack ?

Yes the hotel thing isn't great, but other than that what's the poor old bride done wrong? Expecting bridesmaids to do own make up is perfectly normal, ditto own shoes providing no restrictions around it, bolero is a bit annoying but as a minutes googling shows it can be bought for a fiver online, hardly a huge issue.

I think you’re letting the bride’s shitty behaviour over the hotel cloud everything else. Everything else, I’m sorry to say, all sounds perfectly normal.

It’s on you that you moved, bought a house, had a baby, that your son co-sleeps, that you massively overspent on make up and a cover up, that you booked expensive accommodation... none of that is her problem.

I also wonder if the bride retracted her offer of the £100 towards the hotel when she found out you’d booked somewhere so expensive? She might be annoyed that you’re pleading poverty (hence her offer of a £100) then rather than booking a budget hotel, you’re expecting her to subsidise somewhere fancy.

I also wonder if the bride retracted her offer of the £100 towards the hotel when she found out you’d booked somewhere so expensive? She might be annoyed that you’re pleading poverty (hence her offer of a £100) then rather than booking a budget hotel, you’re expecting her to subsidise somewhere fancy.

Yeah, especially if she's heard about the OP's other 'necessary' spends, and gets the snarky 'bridezilla' vibe from her too.

(I think I at one point gave one bridesmaid a Bridezilla vibe, but only because she was being MADDENING about things I actually didn't care about - funnily enough, she was pushing matching shawls on me! As the best man had just pulled out due to a MH crisis, it was my last concern...)

Thanks for the comments.

The hotel cost (if not clear) was for two rooms at the Travelodge. Not a very expensive option! I'm not sure how it worked out so expensive; possibly because it's BH weekend in a touristy area.

However based on what's lately happened I've decided it's too high a cost for my family to have to come down for the two nights so I have managed to cancel the hotel and book some trains to get into London early and leave before the end of the reception. It means a long day and a lot of travel but probably the best option overall.

There have been some other annoying things along the way (hen does shifting dates, not being told about a wedding rehearsal until 2 weeks ago- I can't go to it now), but I'm sure these are administrative issues and not meant maliciously.

Take onboard that this one was probably on me for accepting a responsibility in the first place which I didn't have the time or money to do properly. I have found that my friend has been a bit prescriptive about what she's wanted people to do/wear etc without wanting to contribute to that, but maybe I haven't put it across well enough in the thread. For example the dresses picked were a difficult style and colour to accessorise with on a budget and they didn't arrive until a couple of weeks ago from overseas... I still haven't actually been able to try the whole outfit on and won't until the day so hoping it will all look ok. I guess a lot of brides don't always think of that stuff.

In answer to the question of why I picked someone who wasn't a particularly close friend as a godmother, because most of my close friends aren't religious! (Not complicated?). The god part of godmother is meaningful for me!

The hotel was also for two nights, as train back after the reception wasn't feasible if I had stayed for the whole thing. So 2 rooms x 2 nights.

But you didn’t need two rooms - so though I know you’ve cancelled them now, that ridiculous £400 was your choice.

I’d have been pretty pissed off if I was the bride’s father, ponying up £100 when you were being so extravagant! With the £300 you were expecting to fund, you still could have booked something else and change.

I think it's fair enough that the bride was expecting to only be paying towards your hotel cost and not your mothers. A bit unfair to expect her to pay for your mum. Also, its normal for brides to want a certain look for their bridal party, such as a color scheme and for it to be matching.