Yet another wedding thread!

[MissB83]

This is probably very outing but I'm past caring!!

Some months ago I agreed to be a bridesmaid to a friend, whom we shall call Bridezilla. I was surprised to be asked to be honest, partly as we weren't amazingly close but also as I'm a single mum to a (now 14 month old) little boy. Also I recently moved away from my previous address, about 80 miles (and from the site of the wedding). We are living with my parents at the moment as I'm waiting to move into a new house, so it's a difficult time.

The wedding is this weekend. There have been a few issues!:

the wedding is (now) 80 miles away from us so I have to bring my son and my mum down to London for two nights (my son can't sleep without me and I'm expected to be there for 9am on the wedding day and obviously until late afterwards). Even a budget hotel is costing £400 + food expenses. Originally Bridezilla offered for her dad to pay a contribution of £100 towards the hotel. Having sent bank details today for this she suddenly decides that she doesn't want to pay the money because it will be going to my mum who paid for the hotel up front as I had no ready cash (did I mention I just bought a house?!)

I didn't go to the hen do, because it was in a different city some way away, and I moved house a couple of days after so it was a very stressful time. This didn't go down very well.

*the wedding itself has been quite lavish but bridesmaids have been bought dresses and having hair done, but no shoes, no cover ups or jackets, no make up. Seems like a strange set of priorities? I've bought myself a cover up to wear and some make up. Another £150.
*
possibly most upsetting, after I agreed to be a bridesmaid it was made clear that my son wouldn't be a welcome guest at the wedding! And he is her godson hence the need to rope in family to help.

AIBU that other people's weddings shouldn't need to be this difficult?!! I wish I'd never said I would do it!

Nothing sounds ridiculously shocking- sadly these are the costs that come with weddings now a days- tbh I wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid for anyone again (last time me and the bride stopped taking for 2 years). Sadly even if brides are upfront on costs there’s always a load more that gets thrown at you, and if your buying a house it would be stressful to manage

Church friends or not you should have considered her a close friend to make her godmother. But mean to now insinuate she is strange for making you bridesmaid.

I have never seen a bridesmaid wear a cover up especially in spring, I wouldn't wear something different to other bridesmaids. Make can be bought relatively cheaply.

If after you moved you found wedding too expensive you should have pulled out then. Its strange about the 100, kind offer and weird reason to take it back.

How can you be bridesmaid and watch toddler? I think mum watching him is most sensible option.

Unfortunately I have bad seasonal allergies so had to buy some hypoallergenic make up which is all I've managed to use when I've done similar for spring/summer special occasions in the past. It was about £70 in all with some brushes.

Cover up - she was quite prescriptive that it either had to be a bolero type jacket or a scarf/pashmina thing in white. The scarf wasn't an option I would use again so I went for a bolero which was smart and would go with the dress which was about £50. So £130 in fact, sorry, failed to add up there!

You're not amazingly close yet she's your childs godmother? That doesn't make sense. Why would you choose someone you are not all that close to, to be godmother?

Anyway, regarding the wedding you should not have agreed to be bridesmaid. You knew finances would be tight at the time with moving. You knew you would have childcare to sort and unless your mother was invited to the wedding it's a bit much to be bringing her to London too to mind your child. In reality you should have declined all invites to this wedding as it was never going to suit. Even if your child could have gone, you wouldn't have been in a position to mind him at the ceremony and probably the meal. When you found out he wasn't invited you could have stood down as brindesmaid. It is a lot of expense, though there really was no need to spend £150 on make up and a cover up item of clothing. Even without having much makeup of your own, you can get it in boots, even primark, quite cheaply, for the sake of one day.

I agree that she was a bitch to offer £100 and then not give it, but other than that you were aware of what was bring provided (dress etc) and could have declined the request to be bridesmaid at any point.

She shouldn't have offered to pay then changed her mind. Apart from that she's fine nothing wrong. You are hard work!

she suddenly decides that she doesn't want to pay the money because it will be going to my mum

Tell her you need it because you borrowed it from your mum.

I must say, if someone suddenly backtracked on me like that I'd be tempted to "suddenly decide" to pullout of being a bridesmaid. The whole things sounds like a pain in the neck.

£400 for one room for 2+1 for 2 nights?
There’s loads for less than that on booking.com right now.

It’s a bit off to offer £100 then withdraw, but I can see her point - she offered to sub you, not your mum.

The make up is crazy “hey fellow bridesmaids, I never wear it - would you mind ‘doing’ me on the day with yours?”
Even if you buy it, bobbins from Superdrug.

So I think some of this is you looking to be annoyed, when it was you that moved away.

Here's a genuine question: I wanted to decline right from the off as I knew it would be a massive pain and I couldn't do the job well for her. Is there a polite way to decline when someone asks you?!!!! I only said yes to be polite as I thought it would hurt her feelings!

Cross post on your allergies.
Just refund the make up then - screw it. You don’t need it for photos.

I know other people will do make up 'properly' with brushes and the like, but you do know you can just smear it on with your fingers mostly, right?

or is this why everyone looks nicer than me?

And I don't think you can REALLY claim choosing an item you like better as a demanded cost of her wedding.

I paid for my bridesmaids hair, we all shared lipsticks, they sorted their own make up, paid for dresses, they could wear whatever shoes they liked. I don't think I was 'prescriptive' for wanting to limit what they wore as a cover up during the photos (luckily they all had different but cool mismatched grey overcoats).

Of course you could have declined!
“Oh I’m so flattered! I think I could be unreliable though, with moving away and having a small baby. So I’ll let you choose someone else - but I’m really happy to help with organising things as an unofficial bridesmaid if you like - just let me know as and when!”

She probably only asked you from similar politeness after the godmother thing

I totally see how this wedding is logistically tricky for you but not how any of it is the brides fault? Apart from rescinding the £100

I think you're making this a lot more pricey than it needs to be. I googled on ebay and found white boleros from £4.99 with free p&p and you could always just not wear makeup if you don't normally and have none.

Too late now, but absolutely at the start you could have said that you were flattered to be asked but because there is so much upheaval with the house move etc. it wouldn't be fair on her if you said yes, then ask lots of excited questions about the dress and the service.

Ellisandra ah bugger. Ok. Definitely have been far too British about this thing!!!!

‘Oh that’s so kind of you to ask. I think on reflection it’s probably best if I decline - I’ll be moving house, I’ll have no childcare and won’t be able to travel so I wouldn’t be able to devote myself fully. I hope you understand?’

Honesty! You should and could of said how flattered you were to be asked however you know you won't be local and that money will be tight, your child will still be young and logistically you can't make the wedding so as much as you would love to have been bridesmaid you have to decline.

I'm sure she would have understood and frankly, even if she didn't you don't seem to rate her much as s friend so would you really have been that bothered if she was a little offended?

Unfortunately with the wedding in a few days I don't think I can decline it now, so bit of a moot point!

The offering money was a bit off- but I know no bride pay for their bridesmaid accommodation.

Make up you could have got a lot cheaper along which a wrap- but why need it, it’s spring?

You had to be close if you made her Godmother- that part doesn’t remake sense.

Lots of people have no children at weddings- how would you manage your son and be a bridesmaid, it wouldn’t have worked.

It’s not her fault you moved so far away.

So looking at all those points I’m sorry to say but I’m struggling to see how she’s a bridezilla. You should have been honest and said- I can’t afford it.

Also... you know what? I don’t think I’d want to get my dad to give £100 to someone who just bought a house!

That’s not the same as helping out a mate on her uppers.

That’d be like someone paying for your hotel cos you were maxed out after a trip to the Seychelles!

Complicated as it was offered. But I really don’t think you should even have accepted in the first place, from her dad not even from her! And then it turns out your mum is paying anyway. No - I’d think you were taking the piss if I were her dad!

@SnowyAlpsandPeaks
Sorry but you made me laugh about it being spring so no need for a wrap, as I look outside my window and at the weekend weather forecast. Are you in the UK?!!!
I had a wrap for my August wedding - and needed it!

Bit late now, the wedding is this weekend. You are going to be with the bridal party from 9am until late at night. How will your son feed then?

You sound like you are exaggerating and making excuses but you couldn't turn this down because you are too polite? Not too polite to be "past caring" if you are outed calling your friend, the godmother of your child, an unreasonable bridezilla just hours before her wedding?

400 for a budget hotel room this weekend for 2 nights? Where exactly are you staying?

Wait, you say you're not amazingly close, but she's godmother to your son?

Even a budget hotel is costing £400 + food expenses

Why? I just checked central London availability for this weekend and you can easily get a modest place for less than half that

www.booking.com/searchresults.en-gb.html?aid=303948&label=london-nyt3LOXxKeGqW61_5c5bPAS182955748949%3Apl%3Ata%3Ap13060%3Ap2%3Aac%3Aap1t1%3Aneg%3Afi%3Atiaud-146342138710%3Akwd-12080521%3Alp1006674%3Ali%3Adec%3Adm&sid=19fcd237f51cf5697bf37bef1fb0f1c2&tmpl=searchresults&age=2&checkin_month=5&checkin_monthday=4&checkin_year=2019&checkout_month=5&checkout_monthday=6&checkout_year=2019&city=-2601889&class_interval=1&dest_id=-2601889&dest_type=city&dtdisc=0&from_sf=1&group_adults=2&group_children=1&inac=0&index_postcard=0&label_click=undef&no_rooms=1&postcard=0&room1=A%2CA%2C2&sb_price_type=total&shw_aparth=1&slp_r_match=0&src=searchresults&srpvid=a61552034bbf018f&ss=London&ss_all=0&ssb=empty&sshis=0&ssne=London&ssne_untouched=London&nflt=price%3DGBP-min-194-2%3Bdistance%3D3220%3B&rsf=&update_av=1

And what's wrong with a £10 pashmina and Superdrug for the makeup?

I don't think she sounds like a bridezilla tbh. In regards to the 80 miles travelling, you're the one who moved away, not the bride. It is annoying she offered to pay and revoked the offer, but I don't think it's really her responsibility to pay for you.

As for the hair and make-up costs, shoes, etc. I think that seems rather normal. You can wear a pair of shoes that you already own (like you would do if you were attending as a regular guest). It sounds like she intended for you to do your make up using what you already own - which is unfortunate if you don't usually wear make up and have to buy some, but I don't think that makes her a bridezilla.

didn't you post something similar to this a week or so ago?

You chose to be a bridesmaid to someone not close to you and chose to shell out close to half a grand for the privilege.
You could have - and still can - say no.

It was obvious from the start it was going to cost you and that she wasn't being considerate of your needs.