Elderly parent - more work than children!

[Isitsummeralready]

Regular poster but have Name changed for this.

In my 50s and for the last decade or so I have been helping to care for both my parents. My son also helps as I'm an only child.

My father passed away a few years ago after battling cancer and my mother's own health is now declining. She is incredibly proud and although she cannot do much for herself, she won't admit that she is dependent on us (apparently no-one does her washing as the machine does this and no-one does the cooking as the cooker does this etc). I do all of her food shopping and she rarely pays for this although she is very well off and much more so than me (I think she thinks it's still 1950 where you can get a week's shopping for £10!) She has no dementia or any memory issues.

She has been having some reoccurring dental issues and it is always me or my son who takes her to her appointments - it can, in traffic take an hour to get there. She has refused to change to a dentist closer to home even though there are spaces. She says other relatives tell her she can go where she likes (these relatives never offer to take her) and she tells me when I explain that I have to take days off work - 'can I not have what I want at my age, I should be able to go where I want to'.

She is lovely to strangers and people like the hairdresser and window cleaner etc but I feel she treats me like a maid and is quite manipulative. I have taken the day off today and arranged an appointment for her with her dentist and she didn't even thank me when I called to tell her - again if this was a stranger she would be falling over herself to thank them. She says her relatives who don't visit/contact her mean nothing to her as they don't do anything for her which makes me feel her love is conditional.

AIBU to think caring for a demanding parent can be harder work than raising kids? Sorry if there's a better thread for this but I thought I'd get more traffic on here from other's going through similar situations.

I've not reached this point yet but your mum sounds horrid.

My MIL is in the same position as you, helping her dad. He lives rurally and she does all his washing, food shopping and bill paying (he insists paying cash for council tax every month etc).

He says he's fully independent but he's in denial how much MIL does.

And she never gets a thank you, never has any gratitude (he only complains!) and he never offers to reimburse her petrol costs (he's 50 mins away from her).

He's just started wetting himself and refuses to see a doctor. He's impossible. But what can you do when they're adults and they refuse help? It is worse than kids.

She sounds awful.

The food shopping is easily solved though - get it done online and paid by her. For heavens sake, at the very least stop paying for it! You have a receipt, you can show her exactly what it costs!

Also help her get a cleaner who will do beds & help with laundry. Tell her your employer is not happy with you taking time off.

You have to look after yourself, clearly your mother isn't going to.

I agree with the pp , tell her you have been told you can have no more days off work and employ her a cleaner and a gardener etc . With regards to shopping make her come with you to get it or do it online at her house so that she has to pay . If she questions you just be honest and say that you cannot afford to keep two homes so she needs to pay for her own stuff . What’s the worse that would happen - she could get angry and tell you to stay away - well frankly then you are still better off and she will miss your help a lot more than you would miss her aggravation .

we have a general chat board about Elderly Parents here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

I don't know if you might want to get your post moved?

FWIW I think you should put your foot down about things like the dentist. Say you can't take her - that's the only way she will change to a local one. would she then get a cab?

you must get her to pay you for the shopping.

YANBU. My FIL has a similar take on life although he’s now in a beautiful nursing home. Still nothing is ever quite right and his almost daily visits by his children and extended family are not enough.

I have no great suggestions other than having boundaries and keeping to them. The sweetness and light to everyone else is also exactly the same.

Maybe start by putting in a boundary with the dentist. If you simply say you cannot take her she will have to find a solution.

Would something like www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com/about-wff she could order herself and pay for help?

I think it's a common problem denial about how much help and it slowly ramping up over long periods.

I think also saying no – deciding what you can and can’t do and sticking with it- is incredibly hard but unfortunately necessary – so no you can’t take her to the dentist as you’re at work she’ll have to get a taxi.

The problem here is your lack of boundaries OP. I've lost count of the number of threads I've seen on MN recently about manipulative relatives making unreasonable demands and posters feeling resentful and put upon. Your DM is being a cow and it's time you put your foot down. If she has plenty of money then get her a cleaner to come in once a week. Also, set up online shopping with her credit card as the payment card. You can do the shop for her online, if necessary, but at least then she's paying for it and receiving it and saving you the bother of hiking off to the shops.

With regard to the dentist, you'll have to be firm and when she says 'I can go where I want and at my age I can choose' you'll have to be honest and say you don't have the time to go to this far flung dentist and either one of these other relatives takes her or she needs to go to one of the closer ones. I'd present this as a fait accompli, or you'll just get into an argument. And YY to saying you cannot take any more time off work simply to take her to regular appointments.

And if anyone told me that 'the washing machine does the wash' or 'the cooker does the cooking' I'd tell her to get on with it then, as she clearly doesn't need me to be there to stand and watch these wonderful appliances do their work! Seriously OP, in the nicest way possible, grow a spine. This situation isn't going to improve until you do.

You must get her to pay for her own shopping, because this could continue for decades !
I don't live close to my relatives
I've organised a weekly cleaner & prescription medicine is ordered over phone & delivered free by local pharmacy
A key store has been installed
A fall alarm has been installed
A gardener has cut the bushes
I have travelled 100s of miles to take relative to hospital appointments or visit. However, sometimes I am unable attend & they have used a taxi, reluctantly, but successfully
What would your DM do if you didn't live close by ?

I agree with every one here except about the dentist.

I would be very distressed if I had to move away from the one I've been going to for years.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I do need to grow a spine yes, but it's very difficult seeing as she's so frail and at the same time so proud. If I didn't do so much, I worry she would end up in a state but I agree - it could go on for years and it is affecting my own health. She doesn't have to pay for any services as I have willingly started doing most things over time (including cutting the grass etc etc). I think I do need to look at my own boundaries. Everyone in the family thinks she's lovely as she knows how to put it on but I seem to get the other side of her and if I challenge this she says I'm awful!

We have made some progress today at least, she has let me put her down with a local NHS dentist on the condition that she also gets to keep her private one. This should help with future appointments. I think once she meets the local dentist she will feel better about changing.

We have tried meal delivery services and ready made meals etc - she didn't like them and if I don't cook for her (sorry, the cooker does this what am I saying) she will end up just eating marmalade sandwiches (this is what she does if I'm late making the tea).

I tried to arrange for her to go to a local coffee morning where they would come and pick her up and at least she would get out for a bit, but she was fuming with me. Apparently this is for 'old people'!

Why don't you have a think OP about all the things you do for your DM and decide which ones you're happy to continue doing and are sustainable in the longer term? The other things, I would try to find solutions for and don't let her guilt you about this. You have your own life to live too and it might be necessary to remind her of this.

And please, keep the receipts if you go shopping for her and ask her to reimburse you. If she queries the amount, produce the receipt to show her!

Do you cook for your DM every day ?
What happens if you are sick or want to go on holiday ? Surely that amount of help is not sustainable ? Have you applied for carers allowance, because you are helping an awful lot ? Can you batch cook some stews or other food & freeze it for your DM
Why can't your DM pay for some external help ?

I feel your pain. In the last two or three years of his life my dad went from being immensely appreciative for everything I did to taking everything for granted. I think it’s a function of losing independence and your world shrinking. It’s tough when you’re on the receiving end.

We found ourselves unable to have holidays for a couple of years and never going further than about 50 miles away because we were pivotal in my parents staying in their own home. All I can say, now they’re not with us any more, is that it was worth it.

Your mum needs to pay for her own shopping though. I used to draw money from my parents’ accounts, use it for the shopping and give them the receipts.

We also had an issue with the hot meal delivery I arranged. Dad said they’d discussed it (they hadn’t, Mum had dementia and agreed with the last person who’d spoken to her) and decided to cancel them. My response was that we’d cancel when he’d found a suitable alternative. The subject was never raised again.

Can you get her card details and set up a regular food delivery so that she at least pays for it ?

I think you need to emotionally detach yourself a bit. Stop taking days off for dental appointments unless you can actually fit it in.

What age is she?

I feel for you
Pick your battles.

Food:
set up online delivery with Waitrose or similar and give her the receipt then ASK for the money.
Start adding the odd ready meal (we did this with an elderly relative and have managed to slowly “convert them” over

Dentist: set up an account with a local mini cab company (her bank details not yours) and book her a taxi.
Do NOT take any more days off work! (So sorry I can’t but you must keep the appointment lets arrange a cab)

Coffee morning: tell her to try it out at least once

Washing: shove it in, hang it out but DO NOT IRON.

She has cash get her to pay for support...

My dad had someone local coming in, not just to clean but cook, iron, shop and generally nag him too. Her partner did odd jobs too. Can you find anyone to do something like this and pay from her bank account? Similarly the garden. Our council will cut grass for people who cannot do it themselves (for a charge if they can afford it) and will take out and return wheelie bins for those who can't get them to the roadside.

Good advice so far from pp so I won't repeat.

Set up a taxi account with her card so she can get taxis to appointments without needing cash as she doesn't need you to chauffer if she's not got dementia.

Have you tried COOK ready meals? They do a lot of traditional old people good and they're v good so I'd be surprised if she didn't like them.

And start pulling her up on the ingratitude, ask for a thank you at the end of a favour and start saying no to her more so she takes you less for granted.

Oh and I'd agree a monthly DD to your account with her that covers the cost of errands so you're not out of pocket.

I've got three children, and I've been caring for my grandparents as sole carer. Unfortunately my grandma has dementia and so I can't really help there..

Yeah I'm with you. 80+yr old MIL, and 2 primary age kids, 1 with SEN. The kids are easier! In my case the 2 sons of the MIL dont help - making everything more complicated!

But you need to get her paying for stuff and not using all your or your sons leave.

Has she tried M&S ready meals? Some of them are really yummy! Also Cook as someone above suggested.

And yes, do the shopping online with her credit card details. I did this for my father for a while. Although he moaned because he didn't order enough to get free delivery and it cost £6 a time. Grrrr. Eventually someone started taking him to the supermarket (I should say I didn't live locally).

It's not just the parents themselves though, it's care homes too. When my father went into a care home after a fall they were forever phoning me up about things. It was like having a child at nursery all over again!

And yes check what services the council provides (they may charge but it may be a very reasonable sum). Not all councils provide anything, for payment or not, but definitely worth investigating.

Good luck with the council! When my mum needed a care package of four visits a day, once social services had ascertained that she had more than £23.5k, they emailed me a list of care agencies and that was that.

Ready meals are fine if the person has the ability and motivation to heat them up. If you can find a company that delivers hot meals that may be better, OP, not only will it be instant, but the smell will tempt her to eat and you’ll know someone is checking on her once a day.

are you seeing her daily? how old is she?

This can't go on, it's a terrible abuse of your kindness.