Elderly parent - more work than children!

[Isitsummeralready]

Regular poster but have Name changed for this.

In my 50s and for the last decade or so I have been helping to care for both my parents. My son also helps as I'm an only child.

My father passed away a few years ago after battling cancer and my mother's own health is now declining. She is incredibly proud and although she cannot do much for herself, she won't admit that she is dependent on us (apparently no-one does her washing as the machine does this and no-one does the cooking as the cooker does this etc). I do all of her food shopping and she rarely pays for this although she is very well off and much more so than me (I think she thinks it's still 1950 where you can get a week's shopping for £10!) She has no dementia or any memory issues.

She has been having some reoccurring dental issues and it is always me or my son who takes her to her appointments - it can, in traffic take an hour to get there. She has refused to change to a dentist closer to home even though there are spaces. She says other relatives tell her she can go where she likes (these relatives never offer to take her) and she tells me when I explain that I have to take days off work - 'can I not have what I want at my age, I should be able to go where I want to'.

She is lovely to strangers and people like the hairdresser and window cleaner etc but I feel she treats me like a maid and is quite manipulative. I have taken the day off today and arranged an appointment for her with her dentist and she didn't even thank me when I called to tell her - again if this was a stranger she would be falling over herself to thank them. She says her relatives who don't visit/contact her mean nothing to her as they don't do anything for her which makes me feel her love is conditional.

AIBU to think caring for a demanding parent can be harder work than raising kids? Sorry if there's a better thread for this but I thought I'd get more traffic on here from other's going through similar situations.

I suspect she does have dementia or other similar brain based issues, being unreasonable, demanding etc is a symptom, not everyone is forgetful. You need to get power of attorney over money so you can buy shopping, ensure her bills are paid etc and get her a cleaner/homehelp who will do laundry, keep house clean and cook a meal on their day(s)

Agree @stucknoue - if she thinks a food shop costs £10 then she may not be fully aware of current issues. Sometimes dementia is hidden because of limited interactions with the world.

OP - you sound like you are doing a fantastic job in a difficult situation. The dentist is a good step. Maybe make your DM the same meals as you have but put them in containers and freeze them. Then warm them up. Perhaps showing her how online shopping works and clicking what she wants might help her contributing to own living costs - or you could look at financial and/or health POA to help manage her bills (eg paying dentist, heating bills etc). Say that some payments need to be online now.

Taking her out of the house once in a while is important if you are able to manage. But look after yourself so you can look after DM. It is great that your son helps too.

Thanks Dinto - I have recently done this for my mother and I was pretty certain I had not got any formal permission to sort things out at the bank - though of course my mum knew we were doing this.

It’s not easy. Definitely have a look at the elderly parents board, there are lots of people in the same boat as you.

Help like online shipping is sometimes a blessing and a curse. I’ve arrived at my parent’s house to find bags of groceries in the hallway where the delivery person put them and parent is not able to lift them or unpack it all. So because they’re a bit disengaged with living they just leave it all there (fridge stuff going off etc),

Volunteer drivers are great but don’t usually do early appointments. Our local ones have stopped doing the hospital altogether as the traffic is so bad to get there at clinic times.

And don’t get started on delivery charges. £4 on grocery delivery elicits a sucking in of air and a tut, but my diesel and time are free don’t you know

It’s so hard to walk and away and let the situation descend into chaos. I really feel for you. Have you phoned organisations like ageUK for a chat?

If all she will make for herself is marmalade sandwiches then a weekly shop would be a tiny amount of money . My MIL does a weekly shop for about £10 , because she’s tight fisted and can’t be bothered to cook proper meals now she’s on her own ( and also because she thinks it will make dh and his brother feel guilty about not doing more with / for her ) . Some old people , just like young people are not very nice , nothing to do with dementia and in the OPs case it sounds like her mother is just very manipulative .

I feel for you Op, my MIL was very similar after DFIL died quite quickly from cancer. He had done everything for her in their 45+ years of marriage. She refused to change anything, so I'd have to travel into town to pick her up a couple of beef sausages from the butchers she liked, pay her bills over the counter rather than by direct debit, do three small shopping trips a week rather than one main one, etc

We made small changes to these things, gradually, rather than all at once as she just wasn't coping. She'd have a wobble after each change, but we powered through.

What I'd do first in your shoes, is either get named on her bank account so that you can access her money for her shopping/bills, or get POA.

Thank you for all the advice. It's all getting on top of me a little today.

I'm just realizing how much of my life is actually spent on making her life easier, and I wouldn't mind so much if she appreciated me but she doesn't. She has always been like this when I look back and yet it's me who runs for her. She says jump and I always say how high. My father used to say in not so many words that it was expected of me as I was a daughter and they had done for me when I was young. She often speaks of relatives' sons and says 'it's not the same with boys, they don't do the same for their parents'. I find this attitude really difficult as I don't think it's right that it's expected of women simply because of gender! When I explained that I needed to focus more on my life, they both became very passive aggressive, giving me the silent treatment.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember and I think there must be a link to what has been going on in this dynamic. When I explained to both of them (before we lost my father) that I was finding it hard and felt unappreciated, they got the social worker round to assess the situation and in their words 'to make sure I wasn't a risk to them' (nothing came of this and I have since been getting support from a carers organisation). I have never forgiven them for this but it has also made me very afraid of the consequences if I now try to reassert my boundaries.

She will not allow any talk of POA - she threatens going to the Solicitor quite often to make sure she is in control of everything (she even says she will make sure she gets the big funeral she wants as she will write instructions to her solicitor). If I say that I am tired and finding it all too much, she says 'oh I will go in a home, I won't be here long, I'll go to a solicitor and give it all to charity'. I feel she does this to manipulate me because she thinks I do this for inheritance. I openly tell her that if that is what she wants to do, she should do that and if she wants to go into a home, no-one is stopping her. If you added up the time I have given them both over the years, it would not have been worth it even if those were my motives, which they aren't (I think I do it partly because I want to and also because I have been conditioned and guilt tripped into it).

Sometimes (quite often) I just want to run away from it all. Thank you again for all the advice.

when you speak to her i think you need to highlight the benefit of doing things to her as she sounds quite selfish. For example, getting a gardener for a few hours each week, as its such a lovely garden you dont want it to get spolled and u want it to look nice. Or POA so if she is intp hospital you can make sure her bills are still paid and she doesnt get taken to court..

With your update, I feel even more strongly that you need to look after yourself (by doing less for her).

She really is awful (and your dad too). She has the means to look after herself, but she likes the control over you. Please do step back - things like cleaning, gardening, ironing are all easily outsourced. Food shopping can be done online.

Set limits on what you are prepared to do, eg max three times per week for cooking. It's entirely up to her what she does on the other four days - she might not prefer the other options but they are all viable, she won't starve!

Please be firm. No, mum, I can't do that for you anymore. These are your other options, which would you like.

Good luck

Your update was sad to read OO and, I'm sorry, but their actions they got the social worker round to assess the situation and in their words 'to make sure I wasn't a risk to them' when you were being honest with them about being tired and unappreciated, was despicable.

You do need to protect and care for yourself more or you will make yourself ill, to the detriment of your own son also.

Perhaps look at getting some 1:1 counselling for yourself to try and analyse and resolve how the way your parents both treated you in the past, and your mother is doing now, has affected you.

Sending good thoughts to you for the future. 🌈

I'm shocked at your update

would you consider going NC?

I had NDN who were both I their 80's.Their closest nok was a neice who lived in the same street and was in her early 70's and working full time.
I helped the neice quite a bit with them but poor woman was run ragged. Nothing was ever good enough. The soup had to come from a certain shop. M&S meals had to be purchased on strict days. Food fads came and went.
The old man died bless him and things got worse.
Now she has died and the neice has had to deal with the selling of the house and all that it entails.. Not easy.
The final blow. If I can call it that.was that neice wasn't mentioned at all in the will And she had had nothing but vile abuse for years.
Look after yourself OP.

I have been through this with an in law who has now died.
I too suspect that there will be some kind of brain issue going off if she used to be appreciative and no longer is. And most elderly people try to hide it as they fear being forced to go into a home. With my FIL it was repeated mini TIAs that he was not even aware of.

She may not want ready made meals as she can no longer manage to cook/heat them up, but does not want to admit it, maybe even to herself. Or she may simply not have the motivation to do this. But finding instructions on ready made meals, being able to read them, understand them and then follow them, is actually fairly complex for anyone struggling with any brain issues.

So a meal delivery service would be much better. She will not want it as if you are struggling, any change is very scary. So you will have to force the issue. The same with other services. With my FIL we had to simply stop cleaning his place before he would agree to a cleaner coming in.

So things need to change and your mum does need to pay for services. But also recognise that she may have far less ability to do things than she admits.

She may be entitled to attendance allowance (around £80 pw) if she needs help - this would certainly cover the cost of a cleaner or home help/assistant to relieve you of some of the burden.
I feel your exasperation, I’m an only one looking after elderly parent.

Attendance allowance is for these things, not gardening or cleaning -

‘Help with personal care’ means day-to-day help with things like:
l washing (or getting into or out of a bath or shower)
l dressing
l eating
l going to or using the toilet, or
l telling people what you need or making yourself understood (if you
have a problem, such as learning difficulties, that makes this hard).
‘Supervise’ means that you need someone to watch over you to help you
avoid substantial danger to yourself or other people.
This could mean:
l when you take medicines or have treatment
l keeping you away from danger that you may not know is there
l avoiding danger you could face because you cannot control the way you behave, and
l stopping you from hurting yourself or other people.
You may need help with personal care or supervision because you:
l find it hard to move your arms or legs or have no control over them
l get breathless easily or are in pain, or
l have behaviour difficulties, mental-health problems, or you get confused.

When a relative was ready to be discharged from hospital things on the list were ready meals in a freezer & a microwave which I purchased & got the money back from relative with the receipts. An occupational health person provided some aids for the house.
Looking to the future, if you were retired yourself, could you afford to keep paying for all the food etc that you currently pay for your DM ?

My mum started getting very bad tempered and demanding and as family we told her to stop and that we wouldn't put up with it - sure she huffed and puffed and made a scene but it was worth it because she now realises that we will not put up with being treated like shit regardless of who she is or how old she is - . I just had her stay with me for a week and while it was exhausting doing so much for her she was a well behaved guest. At home she has a cleaner and various people who come in to help and she treats them better too - she just needed to realise that people have an option - they can just walk away.

She's using her and her behaviour is tantamount to emotional abuse.

I have nothing but sympathy for you. I could have written your post a few years ago. I cooked, shopped, gardened, taxied, took out at the week ends etc. for my mother and i was told that I did nothing for her because everything I did was in my own self interest. For instance if I took her to a garden centre I wanted to go anyway (which I didn't) so I wasn't doing it for her. If I cooked it was because I like cooking. Also I should have felt privileged to be able to do this for her. Yes I ended up on anti-depressants and she rubbished me to her friends, our family and my friends if they would allow it. Some people stood up for me, most just thought what a sweet lady she was and what a shame she had such a horrible daughter.
My only advice to you is to believe in yourself, its very easy to be guilt tripped by your own mother but she is selfish and wrong. Accept she is not the maternal sort and probably never was. Distance yourself mentally. Finally start to look up narcissists and you might get some better understanding of the situation.

Having a disabled father- who is now in a home- I helped my mother along with carers look after him. I have 3 siblings who did not do as much physical help as I did. My mother wanted him to go into another place that she preferred but they wouldn't take him. She would constantly phone me up and moan, it got to the stage I didn't answer when she called. Sorry this sounds cryptic but basically you have to step back and look after yourself physically and mentally as it will take it's toll as it did with me.
It's very difficult with guilt etc, if you are concerned about her mental health, could her GP do a routine assessment?

Do not react when she trys to blackmail you with inheritance etc. This is to keep a rope around your neck.
You need to look after yourself and prioritise yourself first.

Gosh, people, this is the OP’s elderly mum, can you not call her a cow and horrid? Love to see what you’ll all be like when your time comes

Maybe reassess this comment in the light of this update?

“When I explained to both of them (before we lost my father) that I was finding it hard and felt unappreciated, they got the social worker round to assess the situation and in their words 'to make sure I wasn't a risk to them'”

OP, your mother (we’ll both of them actually) sound emotionally abusive. And I really don’t throw that term around lightly. Anyone would would call social services to allege Elder Abuse because you tried to step back from being their domestic servant is a wicked, wicked person.

It is also OK to say no to doing things
It is OK to have a day off
You need to look after yourself too
You haven't said what things are in place if you want to go away on holiday or for a weekend

I'm going to provide an example that may help you with your own DM
An elderly relative asked me to give up my job/life to go & live with them, under all their terms
I said no
The relative didn't want to move to live with me
So, instead despite living 100s of miles away, I visit once a month is & some external help has been put in place
The decision works for us &I visit more if they are sick
The moral of the story, is that just because someone asks you to do something, it doesn't mean that you have to. You can come up with an alternative plan !

Wow - I thought mine was quite manipulative, but at least she's reasonably appreciative much of the time and sometimes really sweet. Yours sounds awful and I'm sorry.

Actually, to continue with my earlier post, my grandmother- mother's mother- had my mother running about after her until she died at the age of 93, still living in her own home. My mother basically did everything for her despite having 3 siblings also who did not do as much as her.
My gran refused to get attendance or carers allowance for my mum, my mother did not have a permanent job or career therefore now has no pension. I feel in some ways it was her own fault- she was too scared to stand up to her, although my mum did get some inheritance.
I think in some ways my mum felt her 4 children should have been caring more for my father when he was at home but my 3 other siblings basically do not let her manipulate them. I did as much as I could despite working part time and having young children but it definitely took it's toll. I do feel guilty my father is in a home but he deteriorated and needs 24 hour care.