My son needs help - please!

[FitMum87]

Not an AIBU but I've never posted before and need as much advice as possible.

Will try not to drip feed but thank you for reading in advance. My son is 11. He is autistic in a mainstream school. He is is high functioning with low functioning autism. Physically incredible but socially struggles.

He is being badly bullied in his school. For months lots of his classmates have bullied him and then recruited more bullies. This went on for 3 months and weekly I would be in telling his teacher and her response was always 'I'll have a word' regardless of severity. He had no friends, he was broken. He was punched repeatedly, his stuff broken/stolen, slammed into walls. One time a boy pushed him and my DS pushed him back and only my son was in trouble. The teacher would let them get away with anything (she has been very open about her lack of punishments for the bullies and also big punishments from my son).

Here goes the main bulk of my sadness: these are all teachers. Will change names.

Teachers incidents:
1. DS had problems on the school playground with football and struggled socially to play the game properly. The SENCO (who is a cunt) put in place he can have 10mins each week with the ball alone to practice. He went and asked the playground staff (year 5 teaching assistant) if he could have the ball and the teacher repeated what he said louder and in a mocking ‘retarded’ voice in front of all his bullies. This teacher has admitted this 🙄🙄 and when I informed Mrs W (DSs actual teacher) she ‘spoke’ to this teacher but did not escalate it to the headteacher so the headteacher was unaware until I told her about it and DS is still yet to get an apology from this teacher. Headteacher has said it has now been adequately dealt with.
2. Mrs W (DS teacher) I used to have a good relationship with and over the 3 months of so many of his class bullying him I spoke to her about it and got the response of ‘oh I didn’t know, I’ll speak to them’ - regardless of situation, punching, stealing. SEN, bullying policy is to escalate physical or repeated matters, this was not the case. Parents to be updated - didn’t happen. Victim to have confidence building - didn’t happen. Bully to be adequately punished - all she did was speak to the parents at school pick up. Her words 🙄. So after 3 months of her not doing anything DS had nothing left and that’s when I went to the headteacher and Mrs W has told no one anything about it all when it should have been escalated so DS was still being bullied and no one being punished. One kid pushed him, DS pushed him back and only DS was punished. So this teacher is happy to punish DS and no one else. This teacher was NOT happy I escalated it and we had it out on the playground - I quoted every policy and she admitted everything but saw nothing wrong in her actions. - she is still a cunt but will get to that in a bit.
3. So this was all 3 weeks ago and everyone was ‘intensely’ working to improve things. On Monday one of the kids grabbed him by the collar and threw him around, shouted in his face. Then DS told the on-duty playground attendant (his own TA) and the TA said he’d ‘keep an eye out’. No punishment, nothing, didn’t even check if DS was ok, no policy being followed at all! So then the kid that did this to DS then starts crying and telling everyone that DS told on him so now the ‘recruiting bullying’ starts again so he gets other kids in his face shouting at him. Obviously nothing happened and I had to go into school and tell the teacher and headteacher. Headteacher dealt with it and his teacher Mrs W told DS off for not telling her and I told her that he did tell her for 3 months and she did nothing! Funnily enough she didn’t like that. So teacher is still a cunt. DS did what he should of done and no protection from one TA and being told off for doing what he should have done by his own teacher
4. So today.... 🙄 Thursday afternoon he has this Spanish teacher who anytime anyone makes a noise he announces to the class ‘just a reminder if DS distracts anyone, talks to you or makes a noise, just ignore him’. He doesn’t do this to any other child and does this repeatedly each week or Thursday and Friday afternoons. Friday is ICT. This is the last straw. 4 teacher who he HAS to see not helping him, infact making it worse.

SENCO - oh boy - what an arse! One who doesn’t want an EHCP for a severely autistic boy in DDs class as it’s ‘a lot of work’. All the SEN parents hate her. DS was repeatedly (like 20-30 times A DAY!) bulled by one kid (KID R) and when it was brought to their attention (SENCO and headteacher) rather than punishing the bully and teaching them to be better they wanted to ‘rebuild’ the friendship in play therapy session. I then said ‘DS doesn’t want to do that as he doesn’t feel comfortable around KID R and has requested that he just stops bullying him’. To which the SENCO replied: ‘yes he said the same to me but I thought it would help’
🙄 WHAT THE FUCK. DS (victim) has expressed he doesn’t want to be put with the bully as he doesn’t believe he will stop and doesn’t feel comfortable and the SENCO was forcing that he does that!! Funnily enough DS was told that KID R is going through some ‘family struggles’ so they are giving him some extra chances!! my Ex destroyed DS for many years emotionally and physically and is never allowed near him again. If anyone has family struggles it’s him!!! 🤬🤬🤬

IPSEA will help support you on the legal route and are your first port of call this morning. They will also be able to advise you on possibly involving the Police for assault and hate crime complaints against the other pupils. If he has been targeted because of his disability then this is a hate crime.
As said in my PP, as a Chair of Governors you need to follow the complaints procedure to the letter.
You may inform Ofsted and the LA, however they will want to know that you have gone through the complaints channel first.
Find out from the school’s safeguarding policy (should be in their website) who the schools Designated Safeguarding Lead is. This will be a member of the Senior Leadership Team, often the Headteacher. Write in to say that you are keeping your child at home as you have serious safeguarding concerns about their ability to keep him safe and you are not removing him from their roll. Also state that you are writing a complaint under their policy.
Hand in a complaint in an envelope addressed to the Chair of Governors, and mark is Private and Confidential.
Get in touch with the LA’s Autism Outreach Team, explain you are keeping him home and why, and you want to meet them urgently to plan his transition to his new school. This needs to be done in a timely and sensitive way.

So very sorry to read this, both for you and your boy. They have utterly failed you. Bullying like this is hard to deal with even if you don't have autism. Still less if you are getting nothing but vague lipservice from the school.
Have you tried contacting organisations like Kidscape for advice on how to move forward.

Certainly, once you have sorting things out for you son, write to the organisations pps have suggested.
This probably seems like a dark time, but you will find a way forward and will look back on this from a happier place.

This is such an upsetting story; it's beyond belief. I really don't understand why there are humans out there who enjoy hurting others in this way. For the teacher to do it too - a mocking voice echoing your DS; I mean WTAF - is he a 3yo?! - is just obscene.

I can't help you; I just wanted to say how much I support you.

I think as he is still so young just move him.
If you can get him to a school as far away as possible. Because the kids at his current school will have “friends” in near by schools.
I don’t feel home education will help him in life. He still needs to grow up and learn to deal with people and life.
I also think a hobby will help him, if he is an introvert something like yoga, bike riding will really help him manage his stress. Even a pet will help him. Someone he can talk too.
You can go ape shit at all the people that have contributed to this appalling situation but first just get him out. He’s at breaking point.
I talk from personal experience of bullying, I dealt with a lot of it. I am alright but I do suffer some confidence issues still.
Poor little boy.

Homeschooling might be an option?
If you can afford it there's also something called unschooling

Sadly kids are moulded by the culture they are in. If the teachers are bullying shits the kids think it is okay to be like that too.

My nephew has a physical disability. One of his teachers found it appropriate to say to him, “For goodness sake N, stop walking funny like that.” Then they wonder why he is a target for bullying and a school refuser.

My DS is in a group of nice lads at school. A while a go the head of year, a very “cool” young man, joined his table for lunch and had a gently chat with them about a boy who was sitting alone at another table, suggested they could start making an effort to include him.

DS said that at first the boy looked scared and just walked away when they approached him. But little by little he has become more chatty and friendly and is now firmly in the gang. DS and one of the other boys always make a point to pick him if they are partnering up or doing group work.

Just goes to show how much good one nice thoughtful teacher can do. Change someone’s life really. Makes me a bit teary to be honest. I really hope you get some help for your boy OP.

I have no experience of anything like this and consequently no advice I can share but I just wanted to say how lucky your DS is to have you in his corner, listening to him and fighting for him. Keep strong
for you both.

That's a really nice story, Tinkly.

Thank you everyone for your responses, replies, kindness and advice. Will go through all the individual messages in a sec and reply to individual questions.

Update:

We have a GPS appointment at 2:20pm today so will start the medicinal side straight away and hopefully get a referral to CAHMS.

I went in this morning to the school (had to drop my daughter off) and before this my partner was going to look after my son so he didn't have to go in BUT he said ' I want go in, I don't want them to lie anymore' and bloody hell did he go in. I was so proud and was 100% his choice.

He told the headteacher he didn't understand what he teachers single him out, why they embarrass him, why they don't stop when he asks them, why they mock him, why no one helps him and why it is up to him to get his mum to sort it when the teachers shouldn't be meant in the first place! What a superstar!!

One sentence knocked me off my feet, he goes 'I know I don't articulate myself very well but I did went I asked the teacher to stop and also when I asked the teaching assistant to help with the bullies'

If it was BGT there would have been a golden buzzer right at that moment.

The rest of the conversation was me informing the headteacher of the new incidents with teachers this week and how it's been dealt with and they have failed to escalate it and chosen to protect themselves over protecting my son.

We have a meeting Wednesday afternoon with the headteacher and I had said he won't be in school and she wasn't happy about that but understood and didn't argue. She has asked for now until Wednesday to find out about the new information given today. So basically I can escalate the previous stuff that has been brought to the headteacher and senco's attention and dealt with poorly to the board of governors but this new information has to be given the opportunity to resolve before I escalate that part of it.

I have asked a family friend whose job role is to be an independent voice for SEN children in mainstream schools to come to the meeting to support us all and also fill in the bits of information we don't know. He is very passionate about his job so I know he'll be amazing.

Son is ok, sitting with me. He is very stressed and confused. Partner is leaving work early to join me at the doctors to ensure my son is properly looked after as I am not great at explaining stuff face to face.

Once again, thank you so much. In these situations knowledge is power and the more I learn the better I can protect him.

@TinklyLittleLaugh a good teacher can change a child's whole school experience. It's great to know there are good ones out there.

@Youseethethingis

Exactly, I said this to the headteacher this morning. There solution is to stick him with the bullies, that would never happen in an adult harassment case! Crazy how they think sometimes

@Phineyj exactly, speaking to as many people as possible to see what power we have. Thank you for posting

@thebabessavedme @WonderTweek thank you so much for the kind words. He won't be going back and if he attends any of his leavers stuff I'll be there. They cannot be trusted and I won't put him in that situation again, poor boy has had enough.

Standing ovation for your ds! He has you in his corner. I don't know if it's appropriate, but if it is, please tell him that you've told people in the wider world about how well he has done to articulate his situation, and those people think he's brave and wonderful.

Thank you @fecketyfeck21 ,

@TheTrollFairy
I had never heard of DID, but does seem to be what he is clinging to right now. Will mention this to the doctor today. really hoping today is the first day of change for him. No more hurt.

@Merryoldgoat that's great that your son gets the support he needs and deserves. I'm glad there are good teachers and schools, children need to be happy and be children. Thank you for posting

He will probably love knowing people support him. He only has myself and my partner, no one else in the world cares sadly so knowing someone, anyone is on his side, backing him and and agreeing it's not ok and it shouldn't be happening will hopefully make him feel like they are in the wrong rather than him.

Op I really feel for you. My godson is autistic. He went through a very similar experience. After much wrestling with the authorities who told her he was receiving adequate eduyabd additiom support, she got a place for him at a special school. It’s changed his life. He is so much happier. It got so bad that he basically refused to go to the old place and had massive meltdowns every morning. He actually pushed his mum down the stair by accident as he was so distraught at going there. He is a very physically imposing child who stands out like a sore thumb. Poor kid was a target.

Randomly: what I never and still don't understand is, his dad badly neglected and abused him and openly admitted everything he had done to him.

Now every teacher has openly said what they've done too.

But not one person has ever had remorse, I would be mortified if I bumped into an old lady on the high street let alone went out of my way to hurt and upset a child.

Completely baffles me

@sluj thank you, it's much appreciated.

@bellaellie happy to home school until the end of term. He has a tutor each week so we can increase her hours, also I am happy to teach him and do museum trips, etc. Partner speaks Spanish (which they are learning at school) and also does 'computer stuff' so can do ICT work with him. We are both self-employed so happy to do whatever it takes for him. In September he goes to an incredible secondary school for SEN and pastoral care which is actually one road away so very close should he ever need me, so it won't be homeschooling for long but more than happy too.

I can see the positives in homeschooling short term (rest of school year) but then will go to mainstream secondary school as I know he is excited for that and happy for a change.

Hobbies - yes, completely agree. Just about to sign him up for snowboarding lessons as he has expressed an interest in that, otherwise he did rock climbing and basketball until recently and then every day came home distraught so we stopped to reduce the pressure on him.

Bullies are evil, they shape so much of a persons future. Thank you for posting

Sorry the post above is for you @Crazybunnylady123

@laurG so sorry to hear your godson went through that. I truly believe they are easy targets to bullies and it breaks my heart.

My son is so empathetic to others. He donates his pocket money to the homeless, he makes them lunch boxes and hands them out. He brings tins of dog food for their dogs (costs me a small fortune). he used to volunteer at school to look after the autistic boy in my daughters class and the boy really like my son. He would walk him to lunch and join him on school trips. His heart is pure gold.

It's great to hear your god son is doing so well at his new school. Thank you for posting.