My son needs help - please!

[FitMum87]

Not an AIBU but I've never posted before and need as much advice as possible.

Will try not to drip feed but thank you for reading in advance. My son is 11. He is autistic in a mainstream school. He is is high functioning with low functioning autism. Physically incredible but socially struggles.

He is being badly bullied in his school. For months lots of his classmates have bullied him and then recruited more bullies. This went on for 3 months and weekly I would be in telling his teacher and her response was always 'I'll have a word' regardless of severity. He had no friends, he was broken. He was punched repeatedly, his stuff broken/stolen, slammed into walls. One time a boy pushed him and my DS pushed him back and only my son was in trouble. The teacher would let them get away with anything (she has been very open about her lack of punishments for the bullies and also big punishments from my son).

Here goes the main bulk of my sadness: these are all teachers. Will change names.

Teachers incidents:
1. DS had problems on the school playground with football and struggled socially to play the game properly. The SENCO (who is a cunt) put in place he can have 10mins each week with the ball alone to practice. He went and asked the playground staff (year 5 teaching assistant) if he could have the ball and the teacher repeated what he said louder and in a mocking ‘retarded’ voice in front of all his bullies. This teacher has admitted this 🙄🙄 and when I informed Mrs W (DSs actual teacher) she ‘spoke’ to this teacher but did not escalate it to the headteacher so the headteacher was unaware until I told her about it and DS is still yet to get an apology from this teacher. Headteacher has said it has now been adequately dealt with.
2. Mrs W (DS teacher) I used to have a good relationship with and over the 3 months of so many of his class bullying him I spoke to her about it and got the response of ‘oh I didn’t know, I’ll speak to them’ - regardless of situation, punching, stealing. SEN, bullying policy is to escalate physical or repeated matters, this was not the case. Parents to be updated - didn’t happen. Victim to have confidence building - didn’t happen. Bully to be adequately punished - all she did was speak to the parents at school pick up. Her words 🙄. So after 3 months of her not doing anything DS had nothing left and that’s when I went to the headteacher and Mrs W has told no one anything about it all when it should have been escalated so DS was still being bullied and no one being punished. One kid pushed him, DS pushed him back and only DS was punished. So this teacher is happy to punish DS and no one else. This teacher was NOT happy I escalated it and we had it out on the playground - I quoted every policy and she admitted everything but saw nothing wrong in her actions. - she is still a cunt but will get to that in a bit.
3. So this was all 3 weeks ago and everyone was ‘intensely’ working to improve things. On Monday one of the kids grabbed him by the collar and threw him around, shouted in his face. Then DS told the on-duty playground attendant (his own TA) and the TA said he’d ‘keep an eye out’. No punishment, nothing, didn’t even check if DS was ok, no policy being followed at all! So then the kid that did this to DS then starts crying and telling everyone that DS told on him so now the ‘recruiting bullying’ starts again so he gets other kids in his face shouting at him. Obviously nothing happened and I had to go into school and tell the teacher and headteacher. Headteacher dealt with it and his teacher Mrs W told DS off for not telling her and I told her that he did tell her for 3 months and she did nothing! Funnily enough she didn’t like that. So teacher is still a cunt. DS did what he should of done and no protection from one TA and being told off for doing what he should have done by his own teacher
4. So today.... 🙄 Thursday afternoon he has this Spanish teacher who anytime anyone makes a noise he announces to the class ‘just a reminder if DS distracts anyone, talks to you or makes a noise, just ignore him’. He doesn’t do this to any other child and does this repeatedly each week or Thursday and Friday afternoons. Friday is ICT. This is the last straw. 4 teacher who he HAS to see not helping him, infact making it worse.

SENCO - oh boy - what an arse! One who doesn’t want an EHCP for a severely autistic boy in DDs class as it’s ‘a lot of work’. All the SEN parents hate her. DS was repeatedly (like 20-30 times A DAY!) bulled by one kid (KID R) and when it was brought to their attention (SENCO and headteacher) rather than punishing the bully and teaching them to be better they wanted to ‘rebuild’ the friendship in play therapy session. I then said ‘DS doesn’t want to do that as he doesn’t feel comfortable around KID R and has requested that he just stops bullying him’. To which the SENCO replied: ‘yes he said the same to me but I thought it would help’
🙄 WHAT THE FUCK. DS (victim) has expressed he doesn’t want to be put with the bully as he doesn’t believe he will stop and doesn’t feel comfortable and the SENCO was forcing that he does that!! Funnily enough DS was told that KID R is going through some ‘family struggles’ so they are giving him some extra chances!! my Ex destroyed DS for many years emotionally and physically and is never allowed near him again. If anyone has family struggles it’s him!!! 🤬🤬🤬

@Cruelstepmother would be happy to HE, I'd do anything for him.

May I ask what a solicitor could do?

I work at the school as an external provider but closed the business as it was clouding my judgement of the treatment of my son. And as my partner pointed out, my sons welfare is more important than any business so sadly I am not guilt free in this.

I have no idea. He is an easy target. I've secluded us from family members as he is just used and abused by everyone.

I genuinely want to run away with him and live on a desert island and protect him

@WattdeEll thank you for the advice. Very new to the complaints stuff so it is all appreciated

@RubberTreePlant

He has got into an incredible secondary school who is amazing at SEN and pastoral care. After his dad stuff he struggled for a long time then actually turned in to the child he should have always been. He was amazing, he was hilariously funny, so smart, so settled, his shoulders relaxed, eating was good. Then this happened and he has gone again.

During Easter he improved so slightly, but was so lonely.

Oh so you only really need a solution for this term?

That makes it easier.

You could keep him out, push for home tuition, and maybe think about applying for an ECHP?

@RubberTreePlant yep, 9 weeks to go (not that I am counting) but a huge part of me wants to ensure that they are adequately disciplined.
All I hear from the headteacher is that the one who mocked my son was 'adequately disciplined' & that they now 'will follow procedure' (they haven't)

He doesn't have an EHCP but will be starting to the process ASAP.

My son really hates school and school life but really wants to go to the leavers day out. I may say to the school he is going to that but I'm coming too!

Oh yes, definitely complain.

It's just good that you have a future school place.

Schools are generally Teri Le at dealing with bullying. If a colleague called you names or hit you, they would be disciplined. Why is it OK for children to behave like that?

And all this crap about bullies coming from dysfunctional homes... all of the bullies I have ever known have come from naice families with no boundaries.

OP, please keep him home for the rest of the term.

Sorry, no idea who Teri Le is, that was meant to say ‘terrible.’

I feel sick in the pit of my stomach after reading this. Your poor boy!
If an adult was assaulted and mugged repeatedly out in the real world (or even just had their feelings hurt on social media) it would be a matter for the police and not a question of having the line manager of the criminal “have a word”. Why is your child not afforded the same level of protection?
Maybe another poster with more knowledge could clarify - would the police get involved in this matter? If not, why not?

I think the pp was suggesting a solicitor's letter as you may have a civil case against the school. Heck, you might have a criminal case... Whether you would want to go down that route I don't know, but it would be useful to have a list of the specific legislation they gave contravened. Knowledge is power.

I'm so sorry OP, I have no experience of this type of thing but you do seem to be getting some very good advice from pps, personally, i would have him out of this horrible school and be shouting the reasons you have removed him from the bloody rooftops - your poor little lad, my heart aches for him, wishing you all the very best for both of you in the future

I feel so bad for your boy. I can't give much advice as I don't really know how schools work, but wanted to give you a handhold and send support. I don't think anyone would hold it against you if you stopped sending him to school now. I'd say kick off and take it as high as you can. Good luck!

In many local authorities SEN services are in meltdown- under huge pressure, can not recruit key staff because of the pressure and so employing staff not up to jobs, not enough funding or surround services to meet children's needs.
A CoSA takes 28 weeks to go through the process to get an EHCP. That means children wait up to a year from start to finish. It is a ridiculous process that leaves children and schools in limbo. It is often held up by Ed Psychs who are in increasingly short numbers, work at snails' pace and can take months to produce a report.
Once a child has an EHCP the processes to achieve anything are cumbersome and slow and unnecessarily regimented- often pages of paperwork that says almost nothing except a key sentence at the end.
So please don't place your hopes on an EHCP being a magic wand.
It is a system of paperwork, meetings, panels, meetings, paperwork, meetings , panels, that makes everyone jump through lots of hoops and wastes months of time. It is all about funding really.
What an EHCP achieves is a legal 'protection' of a child's needs and gives you a say in his provision- doesn't mean anything happens quickly.

You must get the school complaint policy and follow it to the end point. Really important.
Also inform the L.A and the SEN and Safeguarding leads at the LA.
You must also inform OFSTED - it will flag up major concerns - SEN, bullying, safeguarding. Keep informing them as you go through the complaints procedure.

In your complaint - which should go to the Chair of Govs- explain that because the school can not keep your son safe you are keeping him at home until they can keep him safe but are not removing him from the school.

Now can I ask a question which may upset you- is a mainstream school the right provision for him? In secondary schools are big places and often children are not tolerant of difference and can very slyly make an SEN child's life intolerable- and act in groups to do so. He may be very vulnerable there and sounds terribly fragile now.

btw, no guilt on your part please, you are a wonderful mother who obviously cares a very great deal!

i'm sorry but i couldn't read most of your post op i found it too upsetting, i hope you are able to sort things out for your dc esp. ds very soon.
the school sounds awful and some of the teachers not very good tbh, it's amazing how some even qualify.

Take this to ofsted

And I would be tempted to find out about legal routes

Gah, my whole message got deleted as I pushed the wrong button!!

Your son is using this secondary personality to protect himself. I’m not saying your son has DID (dissociative identity disorder) but it is triggered by abuse/trauma in childhood. It’s basically where someone develops multiple personalities to protect themselves in any situation.
I would be writing down every single interaction you or your son has at school, all bullying, who he reported to, the teachers response and any punishments the kids have had (including the pushing incident your son did). I would also be documenting each time the other personality comes out and take this to your GP.

I’m not sure how to link a website (I can’t do it on MN) but if you go on the government website it gives you the complaints procedure and tells you who to escalate the complaint to if the school aren’t responding properly

I can’t assist with any further advice but wanted to support you and reiterate the school is failing your son badly.

My son also has autism and whilst he high-functioning in mainstream, school absolutely take responsibility for his safety. He’s not bullied, he’s treated with kindness and allowances are made as necessary.

I only say this because your experience shows the culture of your son’s school is not nurturing, supportive and caring.

They are failing your poor son terribly.

Much luck with everything.

So sorry for your DS. Do not send him back there whatever they promise. As an additional first step (sorry!) phone/email briefly to the education welfare officer at your council and explain that the school is not providing a safe learning environment. This will be more effective than a letter to the Chair of Governors IME. I went through all the complaints process etc with DS & all the time it was "being addressed" within school nothing happened.

I'm generally someone who thinks schools do their best under difficult circumstances, but oh boy, not here. Your poor boy - I want to sweep him away and protect him, so I can't even imagine how you feel. So glad that there is light at the end of the tunnel with regards to secondary school.

You are absolutely right to take it to the governors and your MP. A good way of presenting the incidents is by way of a timeline - it makes it clear that the school has made promises that it failed to keep.

You might find it useful to look at the Equality and Human Rights Commission - docs on prejudice-based bullying here with guidance on what schools should be doing. When making your complaint, it can be useful to refer to this to highlight the gap between what the school should have done and what it actually did.

You could keep him out, push for home tuition, and maybe think about applying for an ECHP?

I think for 9 weeks I'd try doing the above - if you can home ed for 9 weeks I'd be doing this and focusing on building him back up for secondary.

I'd also get in touch with secondary - possibly SEN there- make sure you know about any induction days and if any of the children are going to same school that there have been serious issues.

possibly SENCO there - at secondary