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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh and wedding ring

81 replies

amibeingparanoidornuts · 02/05/2019 23:20

Hi all, just posting for some perspective!

Nc :-)

So dh and I have been together 13 years this year. Currently expecting our first baby soon so I am tbh feeling pretty unattractive and generally a bit shitty about myself.

Dh has just been away with work and came back tonight. When he got in he said he wasn't hungry for tea and got straight into bed with me. This isn't unusual as I was already in bed as I'm knackered atm! Anyway dh always puts his ring on my side of the bed with mine (I have a dish for them) so I said pass it over. To which he told me he took it off today as he didn't want to damage it while working? I've never heard of him doing that before and it didn't make much sense to me as he doesn't do particularly manual labour? Also his ring is platinum so hardly flimsy!

Aibu to be a bit worried ? For context I know I have low self esteem atm and feel insecure. We haven't been having a lot of sex as I am heavily pregnant and also before that as we were somewhat anxious during this whole pregnancy (previous losses but I know sex doesn't cause those!)

I'm fairly confident he has been away with work rather than anything shady as he sent me a picture last night from where he was working and I can clearly see something in the background telling me the time/date etc (trying not to be outing but basically a clock type thing).

He has been a great dh so far although we have had some issues with him looking at other women online (not contacting them etc just being on their fb) but as far as I'm aware that stopped years ago. He swears he would do nothing to risk losing his family.

Someone please tell me I'm just being ridiculous!

OP posts:

nomilknosugarplease · 03/05/2019 06:53

It’s very common to take jewellery off at night and it’s also common to have a trinket dish to put said jewellery in Just because you don’t do it doesn’t mean it’s abnormal. Definitely not the strangest thing on the thread considering it’s about adultery

OP I too would feel a bit funny about this. If he doesn’t do a manual job why would he need to take the ring off, especially if he never normally does? Sorry to fuel your anxiety

BabyMoonPie · 03/05/2019 06:53

OP I hope you get to the bottom of this and everything is OK.

I take my watch and rings off when I get home and put them into a little dish designated for the purpose (mine sounds less fancy - it came from Amazon and has a picture of Pusheen on!).

Sculpin · 03/05/2019 06:54

I'd find this a bit odd tbh. Putting it in his coat pocket is the weird bit - it's much more likely to fall out and get lost than it is to get damaged if it was on his finger.

It's a bit of a leap to assume infidelity from this, but I would be slightly concerned. On the other hand, as you say yourslef OP, at the end of the day you have to trust him or leave. Otherwise you're in a constant state of insecurity and jealousy.

WitsEnding · 03/05/2019 07:02

I agree, the coat pocket is the weird bit. Does he wear his coat while working? If not I'd feel uneasy but tbh in your situation I'd let it ride.

Original poster

amibeingparanoidornuts · 03/05/2019 07:09

Glad we aren't the only ones who take stuff off at night! I think it's just a habit we have got into tbh and the ring dish was always on my bedside table (for earrings etc) so it just went from there!

Yes he does wear his coat while working and it is zipped pockets so not entirely implausible.

I have done something really awful and checked his phone. I know I shouldn't have and I feel incredible guilt. Going by his location history he was everywhere he said he would be and his messages to colleagues (they have to stay in touch when on site) all match up.

I think I need to sit down tonight when he comes home and we need to have another chat. I am still slightly concerned about the taking off of his ring as I don't understand why he did it but I also think my own insecurities about myself atm and my hormones have led to me jumping to the worst conclusion immediately. He didn't cheat on me in the past and I believed that sincerely then so I don't feel this incident is enough to convince me he has done that now.

Thank you all for your help and advice. I will talk to dh tonight and hopefully we can clear the air.

OP posts:

coral13 · 03/05/2019 07:13

I always take mine off at night as I'm worried about scratching my face with it at night.

Some days if I know I'm doing lots of cooking/baking, cleansing or gardening like yesterday I won't put it on. I don't want to keep having to take it off and on all day and risk losing it.

Shoxfordian · 03/05/2019 07:13

Good luck with it later op

Acis · 03/05/2019 07:14

If there is nothing unusual he was doing at work today then why on earth would he take it off?

The problem with that is that we don't know whether he was doing anything unusual. Even in an office job it's sometimes necessary to do things like fire around in photocopiers or printers to unjam them, or shift furniture, or change car tyres etc etc. for which it might feel safer to take a ring off.

coral13 · 03/05/2019 07:17

Also re taking off as just read other people think it's weird.

I also don't shower /bath with mine so also reason to take off at night and just put on when I've finished.

Mine is white gold and looks like it did when I got it, my friends who have white gold, the colour has changed to gold and they wear it all the time. Skin oils and products can damage certain rings (and mine wasn't cheap!) so I'd rather look after it.

Saffy101 · 03/05/2019 07:22

I am with englishdictionary why do you take them off? It is an odd thing to do in the first place. If they come off in bed - they are in the bed! I have a very manual job and damaged my finger once needed to take mine off then but it went straight back on, the idea of a ring is....it stays on!!! Safer on his finger than in his pocket in most circumstances, ask why.

TK421 · 03/05/2019 07:23

So you say he works on site, therefore he is not in a pure office job and is, or has been, outside. Maybe he’s recently learned about de-gloving of fingers by rings (google it but prepare yourself) and is now much more aware of the risks.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it if I were you unless there are other clues (which so far from your post about checking his phone there doesn’t seem to be).

stucknoue · 03/05/2019 07:27

My h has never worn his ring regularly because of work and sport, just slips it on like jewellery for going out if he remembers (not that he will any more because he's leaving me but that's another thread) many people take their rings off if they wear gloves for instance

HappyMama01 · 03/05/2019 07:32

Me and hubby take our rings off at night to put on the side.
I hate when I do my skincare I don't want creams and things going around the bands. I hate the feeling!
Hubby rarely wears his as he doesn't want to lose it at work and doesn't really wear it around the house when doing housework!

plunkplunkfizz · 03/05/2019 07:32

I take mine off all the time. Can’t stand how they feel if I get a bit sweaty. Given the amount of business trips I take to Italy, my rings most often come off on a business trip, doesn’t mean I’m trying to get a bunk up with an Italian cobbler.

Fairylea · 03/05/2019 07:34

I can only speak from my own experience but one of the first signs things were “off” between now ex dh and I was that he kept “forgetting” to wear his ring, he’d leave it on the bathroom side or just not wear it. Even if some of the forgetting was true for me it was very hurtful as my ring meant a lot to me and I would never forget to wear it. I think it was a sign he’d just lost interest etc. A few months later I found out he’d been seeing an ex girlfriend and he upped and left within two weeks of me finding out and moved in with her. Dd and I never saw him again.

Applesbananaspears · 03/05/2019 07:40

I think if his phone suggests that he was doing exactly as he said he was then you need to let it go. It’s perfectly reasonable that if he works on a site that he needed to take it off to do something even if it was putting his hand onto a small space to pick up something he dropped. This sounds 100% like your issue and you need to let it go.

I never sleep in my rings, neither do I shower in them, I don’t wear them on the beach, or at the gym. I hate the feel of sweat or water under them and I don’t like the feel of my hands swell so totally not unusual to take them off

Original poster

amibeingparanoidornuts · 03/05/2019 07:44

Yes I think it is my issue. I've asked him briefly about it this morning and his response made me think it's all in my head.

I feel a bit gutted I've let all the stuff we have worked through be forgotten because of one silly thing and my own feelings of being a bit like a fat mess atm (yes I know I'm pregnant but it still doesn't stop me feeling huge 🙁).

Anyway dh said we should talk more tonight if I want but that he wouldn't do anything to risk his little family and said how much he loves me which I do believe. I can't stress how good he has been with this baby and looking after me so I need to focus on that instead of listening to the nasty little voices I my head.

I have made the decision years ago to trust my husband and I need to continue that or I will drive myself mad.

OP posts:

ChipSandwich · 03/05/2019 07:55

It’s very common to take jewellery off at night and it’s also common to have a trinket dish to put said jewellery in

Yup. I do this too. If I keep rings on for too long it starts to irritate my skin. I can't be the only one.

thisisthetime · 03/05/2019 07:59

I take mine off every night for all these posters saying it’s weird. It makes me feel claustrophobic I can’t have any jewellery on overnight, even little stud earrings 😬

Anyway op I do think it’s a little strange from what you’ve said. I think you should keep your eyes peeled for any other strange behaviour but try not to overly stress about it, easier said than done I know.

Nanny0gg · 03/05/2019 08:01

What's the issue with taking rings off at night? I've been married 40+ years and always have done.

I find them irritating at night

foreverhanging · 03/05/2019 08:03

Hi op. It's ok that you've had a little wobble. You're pregnant, you feel vulnerable and his past behaviour wasn't great. But his location history is what it should be, as are the messages, he's also reassured you this morning. Honestly, I think it's best left now. Don't feel bad about it, just let it go x

Original poster

amibeingparanoidornuts · 03/05/2019 08:09

@foreverhanging thank you :-) I have been seeing a counsellor as I am very anxious about this pregnancy (previous losses including a quite traumatic one) so I might mention my body issues to her at our next session.

Thanks again to everyone for their help :-)

And I'm pleased I'm not crazy taking my rings off on a night 😂

OP posts:

Beachbodynowayready · 03/05/2019 08:14

I never wear mine to work! Only put it on for going out with dh!
Wouldn't be happy if dh started not wearing his after 4 years though..

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 03/05/2019 10:11

I hardly ever wear my rings - maybe if I am going out with friends or DH but generally cannot bear rings on my fingers (or nail polish!). DH doesn't wear a ring (neither of us like men wearing wedding rings).

FunkyKingston · 03/05/2019 10:23

To be honest, if he'd bern playing away and had removed his wedding ring for that purpose, he'd probably have bern ultra cautious about putting it back on before he came home to the op

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