Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh and wedding ring

81 replies

amibeingparanoidornuts · 02/05/2019 23:20

Hi all, just posting for some perspective!

Nc :-)

So dh and I have been together 13 years this year. Currently expecting our first baby soon so I am tbh feeling pretty unattractive and generally a bit shitty about myself.

Dh has just been away with work and came back tonight. When he got in he said he wasn't hungry for tea and got straight into bed with me. This isn't unusual as I was already in bed as I'm knackered atm! Anyway dh always puts his ring on my side of the bed with mine (I have a dish for them) so I said pass it over. To which he told me he took it off today as he didn't want to damage it while working? I've never heard of him doing that before and it didn't make much sense to me as he doesn't do particularly manual labour? Also his ring is platinum so hardly flimsy!

Aibu to be a bit worried ? For context I know I have low self esteem atm and feel insecure. We haven't been having a lot of sex as I am heavily pregnant and also before that as we were somewhat anxious during this whole pregnancy (previous losses but I know sex doesn't cause those!)

I'm fairly confident he has been away with work rather than anything shady as he sent me a picture last night from where he was working and I can clearly see something in the background telling me the time/date etc (trying not to be outing but basically a clock type thing).

He has been a great dh so far although we have had some issues with him looking at other women online (not contacting them etc just being on their fb) but as far as I'm aware that stopped years ago. He swears he would do nothing to risk losing his family.

Someone please tell me I'm just being ridiculous!

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingparanoidornuts · 02/05/2019 23:51

@englishdictionary I don't really know 🙈 I guess I take mine off because I don't want it covered in make up etc when I get ready in the morning so I find it easier to take it off at night. Dh has always taken his off too and at first we used to joke about him losing it (he loses everything!) so it was a bit of a standing joke that he put it in my little ring dish safely. I've never given it too much thought tbh!

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingparanoidornuts · 02/05/2019 23:54

Just to clarify it's not a dish dish like for food, it's a little tiny pottery dish we got many moons ago in Florence 😊

I hope you're all right and I'm just being silly. I'm feeling very off atm (stretch marks etc) and I think I haven't come to terms with how much my body has changed yet.

Thank you all for the support and for reading xx

OP posts:
CaptainCabinets · 02/05/2019 23:55

I really think it’s just your hormones OP love.

Get some sleep Flowers

Erythronium · 03/05/2019 00:07

What made you think he had changed after the last time? Looking at other women online isn't good.

Oohgossip · 03/05/2019 00:10

It all depends on the man.

A good loyal husband, no history of bad behaviour, doing this....means nothing.

Someone with a history...could mean everything.

Pregnancy is one of the main times a man is going to cheat, if he ever is. Sods.

MissConductUS · 03/05/2019 00:13

We take ours off at night and DH will often not wear it at home. His knuckles tend to swell, making it hard to get off at times. We've been married for 22 years without any issues like that, so it hasn't been a problem.

I think you're overreacting a bit.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 03/05/2019 00:16

I think it is very suspect. And I am probably the least suspicious person ever. (Too dozy to notice shit) It is partly because it is a change from the norm, but mostly because of his past.

ByeClaire · 03/05/2019 00:24

Sorry OP but I think this is very suspect too.

If there is nothing unusual he was doing at work today then why on earth would he take it off? He’s been away, and while I’m sure it was for work, it would be easy for him to combine a work & personal visit without you knowing. And yeah, his past history.

Graphista · 03/05/2019 01:26

I'd be suspicious.

Not least because while you're reluctant to discuss (why?) there's clearly a history of poor behaviour including possible infidelity on his part.

Why do you think you don't deserve his reassurance and absolute trustworthy behaviour?

Many men cheat when their partner/spouse is pregnant I'm afraid and it does sound like yours has form.

happymummy12345 · 03/05/2019 02:20

It would bother me. But then again neither of us ever take ours off

Original poster
amibeingparanoidornuts · 03/05/2019 05:04

I don't know what to think now 🙁

I don't really want to go into all the past stuff I guess because it is outing but basically he had been looking at photos (just fb ones) of a couple of colleagues online and I guess had some fantasy in his head. When I found out (accidentally when using his laptop) we put a lot of work into the marriage. He is no longer on SM and is completely open with his laptop etc not that I check it.

I want to push the subject with him and I will tonight when he is home from work but I'm also scared to know. He couldn't have been better during this pregnancy (it hasn't been straight forward) and he has been incredibly reassuring to me in terms of my self consciousness. I hope he hasn't thrown away everything we have built.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingparanoidornuts · 03/05/2019 05:05

Even with everything from the past I have never thought he would cheat but I guess you don't really honestly ever know anyone. I'm so full of doubt 🙁

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 03/05/2019 05:53

he always passes it over for me to put in the dish so he doesn't lose it

Huh ? So he doesn't lose it .....when he is asleep ? And you also do this ? Is this a thing ? I've worn mine for 15 years, 24/7 and amazingly I haven't lost it. .

Loopytiles · 03/05/2019 06:01

I don’t think removing his wedding ring during the day, though not usual for him, necessarily suggests he has been cheating, or looking to cheat.

But more generally, his past behaviour does suggest he may have cheated, or have been looking to cheat, before. So it’s understandable that you don’t trust him

Loopytiles · 03/05/2019 06:02

It’s not at all “outing” to set out in general terms what your H did.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 03/05/2019 06:17

My dh never, literally never, takes his wedding ring off, so if he did take it off I would find it very unusual. But I wouldn't jump to infidelity - because I just don't see that happening, also for the very practical reason that anyone he would be likely to be unfaithful with would likely know he was married -, and the fact that this is in your mind, combined with what you've said about his past behaviour, does indicate something may (may) be awry, yes.

I'd tell him very frankly that you are concerned. It may act as a shot across the bows. (Plus I don't go in for cloak-and-dagger stuff in a marriage, if possible). Then just keep an eye.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 03/05/2019 06:19

(For context, I take mine off quite a bit, to put cream on hands etc, and sometimes overnight, so if I had forgotten to put it on one day my dh would not find that at all unusual. A sudden change to a very entrenched habit, however, is a different matter)

Happyspud · 03/05/2019 06:21

As another poster say, a good loyal man, it’s more than likely nothing.

Someone who has shown form for betraying your trust, I think it’s likely something.

But what are you gonna do? You’ve no proof of anything. So either you need to let it go and start digging quietly or leave this man you don’t trust who makes you feel like this over a missing wedding ring on his finger.

fullprice · 03/05/2019 06:24

@CaptainCabinets
@englishdictionary

Lots of people don’t like to sleep with jewellery on. I take my rings off when I get home And my day is finished (ie. I get into more comfy lounge clothes and put some slippers/indoor shoes). I wouldn’t like to sleep with anything on my hands

BethanyGilbert · 03/05/2019 06:26

I take my ring off every night. And sometimes I forget to wear it for days at a time. Doesn’t mean anything untoward is happening.

Loopytiles · 03/05/2019 06:28

OP’s DH’s habits are different, his putting his ring in his pocket is very unusual for him, and in the past he acted in ways that mean OP has reasons to mistrust him.

yesicanthankyou · 03/05/2019 06:40

It’s probably nothing. Don’t overthink it. If he’s going to cheat your worrying won’t stop him. Just look for other signs if you really are that suspicious.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/05/2019 06:42

(don't want to derail but)

@AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo

anyone he would be likely to be unfaithful with would likely know he was married

If it was a mutual friend or someone in your circle, yes. But what about if it was someone he'd met online, with no idea of your life together, or someone through work but in a different part of the country, etc? Or someone who he has been confiding in about supposed "problems" with his marriage, and the next time she sees him he isn't wearing a ring?

Or it may be symbolic to him - he removes his ring when he sees the other woman as a way of pretending that this is "separate" to his marriage, or as if marriage is something he can step outside of for a few hours.

I am not saying cheating is definitely occurring, but I don't think that the argument "removing his ring means nothing, because everyone would still know he is married, so what would it achieve?" is logical.

Madamedeluxe · 03/05/2019 06:45

If he never takes it off for work but did when he went away I would be suspicious.

cantfindname · 03/05/2019 06:47

I find the strangest thing about this thread is that not only do you both take your rings off at night but that you have a designated dish to put them in!!

Why???

Swipe left for the next trending thread