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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is she a rather bad bridesmaid?

68 replies

cannoninD · 02/05/2019 22:00

I get married in 4 weeks and I’m stressing out.

She tends to ‘bring down’ situations with lack of emotion and isn’t easy to be around. It was less obvious as teens than it is now (mid twenties). I’m a people pleaser and have realised she frequently makes me feel quite awkward.

Anyway, I have seen her once in over six months and it wasn’t super fun. She’s never even met DF 🤔 and despite frequently ‘making plans’ nothing gets set in stone or happens. She occasiobally calls to ask if I’m free that day (which I never am as I make plans a week or so in advance).

We do message frequently (used to doing this as used to live far away) and she sort of makes the right noises but I’m not sure we’re even really friends anymore!

Her dress isn’t sorted and between ordering/alterations is a stress I don’t need and I’m very worried about her reliability on the day.

Struggling to pin her down to talk about logistics and she’s the type who may well end up spending the night on the sofa of our honeymoon suite rather than pay for a taxi 🤔

The other bridesmaids were sorted months ago but she didn’t turn up to her her dress and later blamed my lack of ‘being clear’ 🤔

We’ve been friends for over 10 years and I don’t want to cause a big drama but at the same time, she’s had nothing to do with this wedding and doesn’t even really ask about it! No ‘Oh is there anything I can do to help.’

I’m being a whimp- but I hate confrontation in my personal life!

What do I do?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/05/2019 22:03

Stop contacting her and assume she's not bridesmaid anymore. Tell her that if she gets in touch then stop thinking about it.

Definitely don't let her kip in your hotel room.

Beachbodynowayready · 02/05/2019 22:04

Dear 'd' friend due to lack of any interest I am withdrawing the bm position.
Feel free to attend as a guest if it feels not too much of an inconvenience.
Or just buggar off as you aren't much of a friend at all.
The btb.

Lochroy · 02/05/2019 22:08

Why is she even a friend, nevermind bm?

Original poster
cannoninD · 02/05/2019 22:12

@loch

I think it’s a case of old friend isn’t always a ‘good’ friend. She’s been around so long I stopped questioning ‘why am I friends with you?’

OP posts:
BarbarAnna · 02/05/2019 22:17

I wouldn’t demote her. Her reliability on the day to do what? I had my sister as a bridesmaid who did nothing other than help me hook my train up to dance. Guess what - women who happen to be getting married don’t suddenly lose all their capabilities. Don’t stress it. See her on the day, have a nice time and don’t let her sleep in your room!

Purpleartichoke · 02/05/2019 22:18

I would give her a deadline to get the dress sorted. If she misses that, then she needs to drop out.

Also make it clear that no one will be allowed in the honeymoon suite except you and the groom. Perhaps mention she should either book a room or make sure she has the number for her preferred taxi service already programmed in her phone.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/05/2019 22:21

I’d chalk this one up to experience

Send her a note today and tell her to sort out the dress fitting by X date - give her the details of the dress fitter and leave her to it.

Then...
Give her no important jobs and do not let her sleep in your room!

Original poster
cannoninD · 02/05/2019 22:22

No sorry, I’m worried about her actually turning up/ being on time/ not kicking off.

I don’t need attending to like I’m a medieval queen 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
cannoninD · 02/05/2019 22:23

I’m also uncomfortable that she’s not met DF and despite me mentioning it multiple times has made no effort to!

I keep suggesting dates and she just blows it off

OP posts:
BarbarAnna · 02/05/2019 22:26

Ahh ok. I thought you might be being a bit previous but it sounds not! Bit of a tricky one then. I would give her a deadline as others have said and make sure she has no jobs on the day. Not sure what else you can do if you don’t want to confront her. I am sure your wedding will be lovely and this is something you will look back and laugh at!

BarbarAnna · 02/05/2019 22:27

A bit precious not previous!!!!

Antonin · 02/05/2019 22:31

It sounds as if she probably will never see your DF gain after the wedding so don’t fret about her meeting him;; she’s clearly not interested

Cherrysoup · 02/05/2019 22:32

If you think she’s likely to kick off, just sack her off as a bridesmaid. She can attend as a bog standard guest, if at all.

viques · 02/05/2019 22:37

Just send her a text tomorrow, say you can't talk about it at the moment but the whole thing is off, thanks for her support, you'll be in touch when you feel able.

Then have a fabulous day at your wedding with your other bridesmaids.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 02/05/2019 22:46

Just don't give her any important jobs on the day and regard it as a bonus if she turns up suitably attired. Try to stop stressing about her - has she got her dress/knows she is responsible for alterations? Someone who isn't very emotional might be useful on a highly-charged day. And if she has contacted you asking to meet up a couple of times and you are never available she may feel like you are avoiding her (it's obvious you arrange your lives in different ways and neither is necessarily wrong). I presume she is not married, and does not realise how organising a wedding can take over your life

GabsAlot · 02/05/2019 22:46

just say u dont think shes really into it so youre letting her off so to speak-the dress needs to be measure for alterations theres no getting round that

and never met your df how long u been together

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/05/2019 22:51

Kind construction: she might have anxiety disorder or similar and is finding it hard to make and keep dates, but doesn't want to let you down, so hasn't backed out.

Not kind construction: she's just not that bothered about either you or your wedding.

If former, telling her that she needn't bother being BM would be both hurtful and possibly a massive relief.

If latter, telling her that she needn't bother being BM would probably be a relief, although potentially offending.

You need to have a "lay cards on the table " talk - starting with "what can I do to help get this sorted".

Good luck!

AutumnCrow · 02/05/2019 22:53

Kicking off? What do you mean - you're stressed about her kicking off at you at your wedding?!

TraceyLP · 02/05/2019 22:54

Hi OP,
Perhaps she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid but doesn’t have the guts to say - her behaviour suggests that this might be the case.

Why don’t you say “hey x - I’m getting the impression that you don’t fancy being a bridesmaid (missing dress fitting/not wanting to meet your partner etc if she asks) ..if you would rather not be a bridesmaid that’s ok - you can come as a guest if you prefer ...or not if you don’t want to”

Might she be too skint to pay for drinks/room/taxis or feeling upset/jealous of you getting married if her own love life is not on track? Not that that excuses her behaviour but might explain it.

Perhaps she just can’t be bothered or agrees with your thoughts that you two aren’t close?

altiara · 02/05/2019 23:55

Just leave it, then If she asks, say she missed the dress deadline so there’s nothing you can do. If she says anything back - say didn’t think you were interested.

Honeyroar · 03/05/2019 00:00

I'd just ask her! Tell her you're getting the feeling that she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid. Tell her that's ok, but if she does still want to be one she needs to try the dress on and help make arrangements in the next week, otherwise you'll assume she's not being part of the wedding party.

stanski · 03/05/2019 00:13

I'm with @altiara just get on w your plans and if she asks you tell her she's woken up too late.,

ShinyShoe · 03/05/2019 06:13

You said that you message all the time so you’re obviously talking? Why don’t you just ask her in one of those messages? It doesn’t have to be emo drama. Just say “hi! I’m getting a bit worried about the wedding. Is there a reason you haven’t got your dress sorted yet? Are you not keen? I’d rather know now so it’s sorted before the actual wedding” then wait and see what she says. It might give her the opening to say she’s not keen to be a bridesmaid

50shadesofgreyrock · 03/05/2019 06:32

I just sent my bridesmaids the pattern and fabric. They were adults 🤷‍♀️
Does it actually matter if she bails? You don’t really need her? It saves the awkwardness of binning her off. I’d just be laughing about it with stbdh- bets on whether she turns up or no, checking she isn’t actually his ex, etc. Usually the bm thing is the closure for childhood friendships I think. Once it’s done you’ve checked that childhood box and can all move on.

My childhood friend turned up with her dress eight inches shorter than everyone else’s, and a giant tattoo. We actually weren’t sure if her dress would make it as the airline lost her case. It was grand. I’m not much of an attention hog and it took the pressure off a bit. I’d booked her a room though...
I’d relax about it. In reality it doesn’t matter one jot, and you and DH can laugh about it in twenty years time like we do.

Sculpin · 03/05/2019 06:48

I don't think she's a bad bridesmaid so much as just a bad friend! I wouldn't risk controversy and bad feeling by sacking her as a bridesmaid. Just stop fretting about her, carry on with your plans and hopefully it'll all be fine on the day Smile

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