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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is she a rather bad bridesmaid?

68 replies

cannoninD · 02/05/2019 22:00

I get married in 4 weeks and I’m stressing out.

She tends to ‘bring down’ situations with lack of emotion and isn’t easy to be around. It was less obvious as teens than it is now (mid twenties). I’m a people pleaser and have realised she frequently makes me feel quite awkward.

Anyway, I have seen her once in over six months and it wasn’t super fun. She’s never even met DF 🤔 and despite frequently ‘making plans’ nothing gets set in stone or happens. She occasiobally calls to ask if I’m free that day (which I never am as I make plans a week or so in advance).

We do message frequently (used to doing this as used to live far away) and she sort of makes the right noises but I’m not sure we’re even really friends anymore!

Her dress isn’t sorted and between ordering/alterations is a stress I don’t need and I’m very worried about her reliability on the day.

Struggling to pin her down to talk about logistics and she’s the type who may well end up spending the night on the sofa of our honeymoon suite rather than pay for a taxi 🤔

The other bridesmaids were sorted months ago but she didn’t turn up to her her dress and later blamed my lack of ‘being clear’ 🤔

We’ve been friends for over 10 years and I don’t want to cause a big drama but at the same time, she’s had nothing to do with this wedding and doesn’t even really ask about it! No ‘Oh is there anything I can do to help.’

I’m being a whimp- but I hate confrontation in my personal life!

What do I do?

OP posts:
Margot33 · 03/05/2019 07:00

Agree with @TraceyLP.

MargotLovedTom1 · 03/05/2019 07:02

If someone sent me a pattern and fabric I 'd think 'Wtf am I meant to do with these? Run up a dress on my imaginary sewing machine using my non-existent dress making skills, or fart about finding a decent seamstress?' Thanks but no thanks! 😂

OP I agree with others that you need to ask her if she 'd rather opt out of the bridesmaid role. If she says no then set a deadline for dress fitting.

floraloctopus · 03/05/2019 07:08

I'd go with Thumb's kind construction and try and have a gentle face to face with her. Then if's she genuinely disinterested rather than anxious you have done the right thing.

EnglishRose13 · 03/05/2019 07:13

Didn't you post about this quite a while ago? You were given advice then. I thought you were going to send her dress but if she didn't try it on and be done with it? Why is this still going on four weeks before your wedding?!

Bloody hell. Just sack her and be done with it.

Sparkletastic · 03/05/2019 07:13

Stand her down as a bridesmaid.

Icecreamsoda99 · 03/05/2019 07:15

I had two bridesmaids drop out (one at 6 months to go one at 3 months to go), they were keen at first but both suffered anxiety of one form or another, picked up on it as both wouldn't commit to a dress (I was paying for them and they could choose the style just had to be a certain material). I gave them the get out option , messaged them and said there happiness was important me and I got the impression they were keen etc. And I wanted them to have a good time at the wedding so please come as a guest if not comfortable as a bridesmaid. They both came as guests. Good luck with your wedding OP and try not to stress Flowers

Icecreamsoda99 · 03/05/2019 07:16

*weren't keen

CKWattisthemanager · 03/05/2019 07:17

Whatever happens don't let her doss on the sofa of the honeymoon suite! The fact that you even think this a possible outcome means you have to grow a set OP.

Stop worrying about her. Just forget her as an issue at all. Chances are she won't turn up and if she does and kicks off, the other BM's will sort her out hopefully.

FancyAPint · 03/05/2019 07:18

Yes i think she'd like the option to back out but feels she can't, prob due to anxiety. I'd hate to be a BM so I get that.

Sweetpea55 · 03/05/2019 07:26

I think you'd feel a lot less stressed if you sacked her. You seem to be really panicking about her lack of communication..interest and commitment.
Do you and her a favour by letting her off. She doesn't sound such a good friend anyway

SnuggyBuggy · 03/05/2019 07:27

I'd sack her. I think you've realised that this friendship hasn't stood the test of time.

Summersunsareglowing · 03/05/2019 07:30

Just contact her and ask why her dress hasn't been sorted. Tell her that you'll understand if she's changed her mind about being your bridesmaid and just wants to come as a guest. Also give her the hotel number and tell her she'll need to book and pay for a room unless she's going home by taxi.

Kicking off - why would she do that?
Not turning up - plan in your mind for her not to turn up. If she does then treat it as a bonus.
DF meeting her - unnecessary.

Just get on the with any other preparations you need to make and enjoy the day.

IncrediblySadToo · 03/05/2019 07:32

I just sent my bridesmaids the pattern and fabric. They were adults

Did you expect them to arrange & pay to have them made?

If you’d just sent it to me like that I’d have assumed you sent to me by mistake and that the dress maker was waiting for a package...

Even when I was young, slim and sewed a lot of my own clothes I wouldn’t have made a bridesmaids dress - I wouldn’t have wanted the responsibility.

Anyway OP...just talk to her, it doesn’t need to be confrontational.

It’s odd she hasn’t met your STBH but given you don’t often see each other, hardly surprising really.

The fact that she’s spontaneous and you need to plan a week in advance for a coffee doesn’t make her wrong and you superior, simply different.

This is one where I’d love to hear the other persons take on it.

It’s your wedding, why do you think she should be asking if you need her to organise/do stuff? She has her own life that doesn’t revolve around your Big Day. That’s normal.

SnuggyBuggy · 03/05/2019 07:43

It wouldn't be that hard to find a seamstress on Google would it?

Original poster
cannoninD · 03/05/2019 07:52

Sorry- not meaning to drip feed but...When she missed trying her dress on the first time I told her she’d have to order/sort her own.

Then a few weeks ago she messaged me to ask me to do it...again! I was reluctant (as I refuse to take on too much stress) but agreed on the basis that she come here to try on/be very co-operative.

Tbh, when I asked her to be a BM she’d just moved home after living a long way away. I assumed our friendship would go back to what it had been before, but it has not. She’s a very old friend, but honestly not sure I actually want her in all of my pictures forever as I don’t see much of a future to this friendship!

OP posts:
KittyInTheCradle · 03/05/2019 07:56

If you're worried about her showing up/kicking off/sleeping in your suite (!) Wondering why you asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place?? Wasn't she the same before?

Crazyladee · 03/05/2019 08:07

What kind of person would think it would be acceptable to sleep in the honeymoon suite with the bride and groom???

OP you need to stand your ground and put your foot down. I once got demoted from bridesmaid to a regular guest a few weeks before the wedding via letter (before the days of mobile phones) and it was a massive relief as the friendship was fizzling out (long story)

Just send her a text saying you get the impression her heart isn't in it and tell her she's welcome to attend your wedding as a guest only. Don't ask her, tell her! It's your wedding and you should be in control here.

Nquartz · 03/05/2019 08:13

Have you posted about her before? This is all sounds very familiar.

If so, it was pretty unanimous that you bin her off as BM & as a friend yet here you are!

She clearly isn't bothered about being BM so just cut your losses and let her go. You're clinging onto an outdated version of your friendship which doesn't exist & never will again.

LagunaBubbles · 03/05/2019 08:14

What do you think she would kick off about on your wedding day?

Ceebs85 · 03/05/2019 08:17

Just message her saying since she's missed these fittings you're getting the impression it's not important to her. It's an important day for you and so you'd prefer she came as a guest rather than a BM.

You're right, it sounds as though you might regret having her in all the photos.

Qweenbee · 03/05/2019 08:20

If you are the same poster from a while ago, you were told clearly to give her deadlines. Why did you then open up the can of worms again by agreeing later to get the dresses?

EnglishRose13 · 03/05/2019 08:21

Could she have another role? Could she be your witness instead?

You don't need to be mean or confrontational. Just tell her that you've too much on (with the wedding being four weeks away!), and she's clearly busy herself, so for ease it might be better for her to come as a guest instead.

This is stress you don't need, but it really should have been tackled when you initially posted.

Hyrana · 03/05/2019 08:29

Aww OP, you sound stressed. My DD got married a year ago and we had a similar situation but with a family member. I told my DD to imagine the day without her and if she was there then it was a bonus! The Bridesmaid turned up and behaved well.
Although in your circumstance I would demote her to guest. Just say that since she has missed the BM dress fittings it's better she just comes as a guest.
If she is going to kick off about anything then just uninvite her totally.
I have no time for flakes and drama anymore.
Have a lovely wedding day Flowers

RoseAndRose · 03/05/2019 08:31

Do bear in mind that this idea that bridesmaids have anything to do other than turn up and look decorative in the day (including helping the bride look decorative) is very new.

So I simply cannot see how she has been a bad bridesmaid.

If you are falling out as friends, and you no longer want her as a bridesmaid, you need to tell her that. It'll almost certainly end the friendship but, if the relief you anticipate outweighs that, then you know what needs to be done.

If you wanted a bridesmaid to do considerably more than what she thinks is the norm (and remember she is far from alone in thinking there is nothing other than trying on dress/shoes and turning up on the day), then you need to decide if you can put up with one from the other tradition, or if you need to tell her exactly what it is you want her to do.

What is that? You've said what's wrong, but can you articulate what you want instead? You might find that helps.

Why did she miss the fitting - there are lots of potential reasons other than being a flake

redhotchill · 03/05/2019 08:34

Why would she kick off?

10 years is no time at all. Especially as she's lived away for a long time. You are giving this friendship more weight than it actually has.