Or is she a rather bad bridesmaid?

[cannoninD]

I get married in 4 weeks and I’m stressing out.

She tends to ‘bring down’ situations with lack of emotion and isn’t easy to be around. It was less obvious as teens than it is now (mid twenties). I’m a people pleaser and have realised she frequently makes me feel quite awkward.

Anyway, I have seen her once in over six months and it wasn’t super fun. She’s never even met DF 🤔 and despite frequently ‘making plans’ nothing gets set in stone or happens. She occasiobally calls to ask if I’m free that day (which I never am as I make plans a week or so in advance).

We do message frequently (used to doing this as used to live far away) and she sort of makes the right noises but I’m not sure we’re even really friends anymore!

Her dress isn’t sorted and between ordering/alterations is a stress I don’t need and I’m very worried about her reliability on the day.

Struggling to pin her down to talk about logistics and she’s the type who may well end up spending the night on the sofa of our honeymoon suite rather than pay for a taxi 🤔

The other bridesmaids were sorted months ago but she didn’t turn up to her her dress and later blamed my lack of ‘being clear’ 🤔

We’ve been friends for over 10 years and I don’t want to cause a big drama but at the same time, she’s had nothing to do with this wedding and doesn’t even really ask about it! No ‘Oh is there anything I can do to help.’

I’m being a whimp- but I hate confrontation in my personal life!

What do I do?

Just leave it and don't sort her BM dress out. If she messages you nearer the day and asks for it, just breezily say "we didn't get it sorted remember?" She can find another dress to wear and won't be there as a bridesmaid. If she turns up to the wedding at all....

Just forget her and like the pp said, if she gets in touch just be matter of fact - “but I assumed you’d dropped out 🤷‍♀️”

I just sent my bridesmaids the pattern and fabric. They were adults

Did you get married in the 1940s?!

There should be a pinned advice board for Bridesmaids

Topic 1 : How to get rid of flakey or disinterested bridesmaids

" Hi xxxxx , just thought I would drop you a line to say I have had a rethink on the bridesmaids situation, and I'm just going to go with xxxxx. Apologies if you are disappointed, but to be honest it has been a bit of a struggle get organised , and at this stage I need things to run as smooth as possible. Obviously I would still love to see you at the wedding! love Cannonin "

Basically, if she was actually bothered about being your bridesmaid she would have shown a hell of a lot more enthusiasm and commitment, so this message will come as a relief to her.

I'd just message her "Do you still want to be BM?" If yes need dress sorted by X - here's the details or ok "wear green".

Otherwise it doesn't matter. Doesn't turn up? so what , its not synchronised swimming for the Olympics, noone else will know or care. sleeps on the floor of the hotel lobby? pfft. Wears different shoes to other BMs - no one will care

She sounds a bit chaotic, and chaotic people (am married to one) tend to muddle along ok. Don't organise for her.

I wouldn't bother with any of the lengthy earnest messages or binning her off as BM

You'll only get more anxious and feel all "wronged" and you might open up floodgates of angst and recrimination. Not worth the grief at this point.

But she HAS contacted a few times to try and meet up. Just because she's not whooping or doing a cheerleader dance with pompoms it doesn't mean she's not invested in the day.

As for where she stays, this is 100% her problem so stop worrying about that bit

This is your day. It doesn’t sound as if you want to have her as a bm anymore. So tell her she’s welcome to attend as it doesn’t sound as if she wants to be bm. As others have said, don’t ask, tell.

""Hi Friend. The other BMs dresses were organised months ago. We have made no progress on your dress. The delay suggest that you are not keen on being BM. As time is short, please come in your own choice of outfit as a guest. It will take the pressure off both of us. I cannot delay finalising this anymore as it is becoming too stressful for me."

Depending on the reply you can text re hotel/taxi as a follow up.
She should do this herself but since you are worried that she will want to stay in your bridal suite, it is easier to give her a clear firm no in advance.

And then forget about all of it.
She's an awkward guest for whatever reason, and that is her problem not yours. If she decides not to turn up at all or is late that is on her. Just focus on your DF and the people who really want to be involved and enjoy your day. I hope you have a wonderful day

Can't get over the bride who sent her bms the fabric and patterns!!now she is one cf!

I don't think it's cheeky to send the bridesmaids fabric and pattern IF it has been previously discussed with the BMs that they're ok with this!

I've made my own BM dress twice, both with my agreement - wouldn't have been remotely happy if someone had just sent them to me and told me to get on with it, though!!

You knew what she was like before asking her to be a bridesmaid. She’s not going to change just for your wedding.

don't think it's cheeky to send the bridesmaids fabric and pattern IF it has been previously discussed with the BMs that they're ok with this!

Well yes bur that's a pretty big if!!
The op didn't imply that, she said they were adults so she sent them the fabric and patterns

It wouldn't be that hard to find someone to make the fabric into a dress.

That wasn't the OP - that was another poster.

Feels like it quim. Am lolling at my newly designated cf status though
I did actually know my bridesmaids, lol. So, y’know, was able to gauge the level of discussion required about dresses. My point was - they had the fabric and pattern and were entirely adult enough to handle the responsibility of turning that into a dress as agreed. I didn’t micro-manage the production or insist on staging the fittings. The op appears to be unable to agree a fitting time with her bm. So leave her to it. Give her the power to make her own arrangements, or not, as she chooses. Neither of them are coping v well with the micro-managing.

It was actually way easier to have the dresses made - that way we managed to not to fuck it up completely because the bm who claimed to be a size 16 needed a size 22/24. Buying a size 16 frock and posting it to her to try on, or keeping my fingers crossed until she arrived the night before wouldn’t have worked.
Lovely day, anyway. Bit busy what with making sure so many people were having a good time. Didn’t get to taste any of the fabulous buffet as we were chatting with the rellies etc. The tables seemed to work out, given that we spent breakfast trying to figure out who slept with who, and some of them dated for ages after. Not too shabby for total strangers lol.

I don't know what the 'crown polishing' is all about. Dumping on me the job of having a dress made is a hassle I really wouldn't want or need.

Probably why you weren’t asked. Weirdly, I did know my bridesmaids. Who were actually quite excited at the prospect. Horses for courses eh? (I’m actually laughing as I just remembered one of them actually designs and makes dresses as a side hustle now. For stage shows. She didn’t at that point, but she has had a job as a seamstress for a woman who designed wedding dresses.) Not you then, Margot? Not me either. I’m still holding onto a half made top that I started in 1994. It might fit my youngest (almost 16) now, but I wouldn’t get near it.
Just polishing because random anointing of cfery doesn’t come along v often, and it was so far from the actual reality that it made me laugh. In these here parts you have to enjoy outrageous misunderstanding