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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and help with my babies. AIBU?

65 replies

TheLastPharl · 01/05/2019 13:11

I know the general MN opinion is that parents are in no way obligated to help with children but bear with me...

DH and I were living in London when I became pregnant with twins. We were living in an unsuitable (dropping to bits) one bedroomed rented flat. We wouldn't have been able to afford to rent anywhere better but could have looked into rehousing through the council if we’d chosen to do so. My parents were really happy (first grandchildren) and were really encouraging regarding the idea of us moving back to where they live in a totally different part of the country. My DM talked endlessly of how much she could help with the twins and how we wouldn’t cope with them alone (DH parents divorced and living outside of London)

So we very hurriedly found a place near parents as my pregnancy was complicated and babies likely to come early. We are now living in a tiny village with terrible bus routes and neither of us drive (although I’m currently taking lessons) DH has a job near by but works awful shifts, either 12 hour days or 12 hour overnights.

My parents do help, don’t get me wrong, but not in the way I had expected. A lot of it is centred around bringing us shopping as we’re too isolated to get to shops without it being a struggle and my DM takes me to baby groups/activities. While I am grateful for this it’s basically stuff I could have done on my own if we’d stayed in London. My Dh has been on back to back nights for the last four days and I’ve barely seen my parents apart from when I went over for Sunday dinner.

I am so horribly isolated. There’s only one walk around the village suitable for a pram. I can’t really go anywhere as the buses are terrible. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m really quite angry with my parents for talking us into moving back here and then failing to deliver on their promises but feel I can’t do anything for fear of sounding ungrateful. AIBU?

OP posts:
EmrysAtticus · 01/05/2019 13:14

Can you clarify what sort of help you were expecting? Doing your shopping and taking you to baby groups seems like a fair bit of help.

Thehop · 01/05/2019 13:15

Can you move closer to a city/back to London?

Purplelion · 01/05/2019 13:15

What else could they be doing?

collectingcpd · 01/05/2019 13:19

There are 2 issues here.

  1. You moved from one unsuitable place to another
  2. Your DM not helping like you thought she would.
You obviously couldn’t live in your previous flat with twins; so moving was inevitable. I don’t think you chose well though. Moving from London to a tiny village was always going to be different, but I don’t think you properly thought the consequences through. Why would you do that if you can’t drive? It’s one thing to ‘expect’ your mum to help out now and again, it’s another thing to be entirely reliant on her for pretty much anything. Is there a town you could move to where you could get out and about and not be so dependent on your mum? Or have you bought(and are stuck).
IamPickleRick · 01/05/2019 13:20

You need to move back for your own mental health. Or to somewhere more suitable.

I had two a year apart (and an older child) in a 2 bed flat and it was awful. I also wasn’t driving due to a disability but I do drive now. The only thing that kept me sane was walking around the high street and local parks, and baby groups that were on. Moving has made my life 100 times better but I will never forget the misery of those days. My DM means to help but can’t/often makes things harder, so I don’t have very little support from parents as well. You need to make your own support network and you can’t do that where you are now. Best of luck.

formerbabe · 01/05/2019 13:21

Yanbu...you can get your food shopping delivered anyway, so that's not a great help really.

Sirzy · 01/05/2019 13:22

If sounds like the issue here is you rushed to move without considering the reality of it rather than actually anything your parents are doing

Waterfallgirl · 01/05/2019 13:23

I am guessing you are renting OP? Could you consider a rental home in a larger village / small town close by? This will give you options to shop, socialise and go out with two small babies and then also socialise with parents too. I am wondering what else they could do for you really and it’s maybe that you are feeling so isolated that’s making you feel this way. Totally understandable by the way.

IamPickleRick · 01/05/2019 13:24

I’m really quite angry with my parents for talking us into moving back here and then failing to deliver on their promises

The other thing is that you really can’t count on anyone but yourself to look after the kids. If you do move you need to look at places that fit your current needs, not the potential what ifs.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/05/2019 13:37

I feel for you as this sounds crap, and you have allowed your parents to put you in an unfortunate situation, but essentially you’ve made a series of bad decisions moving from one unsuitable situation to another.

You both had at least 6 months to learn to drive for example...

As starters, I’d get online deliveries for food and tell your mum and dad what kind of help you actually want...
Although you sound like you want company/ you are lonely... which you may have been anyway (maternity can be v lonely I have several friends in London who hated it and felt isolated)

SilverySurfer · 01/05/2019 13:40

EmrysAtticus
Can you clarify what sort of help you were expecting? Doing your shopping and taking you to baby groups seems like a fair bit of help.

I agree - what more were you expecting them to do? Maybe think about moving to a larger town or city.

Eggshellnutmeg · 01/05/2019 13:42

Can you get a taxi to them? Invite yourselves over?

Eggshellnutmeg · 01/05/2019 13:43

Also move to the nearest town rather than a village?

Chippychipsforme · 01/05/2019 13:43

As PP say, you need to move some where more suitable that will mean you can get out and about easily. Learning to drive is great but it's good not to have to rely on a car all the time.

As for the help, what do you need? Have a chat with your mum about that. It's likely they've forgotten what having a baby is like (let along twins) so you need to tell them.

cheshirecat777 · 01/05/2019 13:49

Ok to be fair your parents are helping but not in ways that add any value over what you may have achieved anyway had you stayed in london

My MIL was like this never stopped going on about how she would love to help but never in 8 years has she or anyone on her side of the family done a single thing to help. i think its more common than people think as most feel too embarrassed to admit their family dont help

TBH few options
1if you are both youngish and in jobs you can do in any location i would consider moving perhaps outer london or provincial city
2 you can stay put learn to drive and try and create friendships
3 you can ask directly for what it is you want - eg could your mother have them one evening a week or take them once a week to a playgroup

i would start to do food orders as if they continue this as their way of helping its harder to ask for the type of help you actually want.

Beachbodynowayready · 01/05/2019 13:52

Have you actually discussed this with dps? Maybe they assume you are managing!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/05/2019 13:52

It sounds more like you picked an unsuitable house/village than anything else.

What else would you like?

Jackiebrambles · 01/05/2019 13:53

Oh this sounds hard. Can I ask what sort of help you expected, what you felt they were promising you?

PregnantSea · 01/05/2019 13:54

What did they agree to before you moved? Had you discussed the specifics of the help?

It sounds like they are really trying if they are bringing you shopping and taking you to baby groups.

bridgetreilly · 01/05/2019 13:56

I think you need to articulate clearly what help you would find most helpful and then actually talk to your parents about that. They are obviously trying to help, but they are not mind-readers.

juneau · 01/05/2019 13:57

So what kind of help do you want OP? Do you want your parents to come over and hang out with you for big chunks of time so you have company? If so, do you invite them to come over? Have you discussed with them how lonely and isolated you're feeling? Are they retired and do they have to time to do this?

Being at home with babies can be very lonely and isolating wherever you live and I can only imagine how much worse it would be in a small village when you don't drive and there is only one walk you can manage.

I think you have to spell it out to your parents what you were hoping for when they offered to help you out. It sounds like your DM meant one thing and you took it to mean something else. And if the kind of help you want isn't forthcoming is there somewhere you can move to that's going to suit you better? London to a tiny village is an extreme sort of move, so what about a large town or small city with public transport, good pavements and stuff to do?

yumyumpoppycat · 01/05/2019 14:00

If your twins are newborn realistically they can't do much other than visit and take you places - the support will probably become invaluable when your children are toddlers if they are able to babysit a bit. I felt quite isolated when I had my first child and that was in a zone 3 'pushchair central' location. My mum didn't help that much in my eyes, I was mid 20s and none of my friends had started a family. Not quite the same situation but my mums exact words were 'you made your bed you can lie in it'! However my mum has helped so much overall with childcare and emergency babysitting etc for my 3 children especially when I went back to work.

Maybe you took 'come live near us' a bit too literally. If you are renting then I would look at somewhere still close enough they can be involved on a weekly basis but with better train links etc (if such a place exists!)

Iwouldlikesomecake · 01/05/2019 14:00

I do completely get where you're coming from. It sounds like while they're being well meaning, the 'help' isn't quite what you need - what you need is some time with other people and not to feel so isolated. Even just nipping to a shop means you can pass the time of day with another adult.

Once you've learnt to drive, can you afford to run a small car? If so, then this is going to be your goal. Then you'll be able to take them to your mum's but also to other people's houses, go out on a whim to soft play and the park and other villages and just get OUT. Right now there's little point in your mum babysitting for instance as you can't actually go anywhere anyway so you might as well look after the twins. But when you have transport you can drop them to her and then take yourself off to do whatever, so the babysitting is 'useful'. Or she can come over and sit for you when they're asleep and you and your DH can go for dinner or even just to the pub.

It sounds like you're getting to 'do' the mum and baby stuff but it's so supervised as your mum has to be there to taxi you around, that you have no agency on what you do, which is lovely (the lifts) but must feel incredibly limiting.

In the long term you might find village living isn't for you - or you might decide that it's GREAT once you have some transport! But you and your DH both really need to be able to drive I think to make it work long term. I think in the long term it might be great having nearby grandparents but it's working out how to get to that point.

Shoxfordian · 01/05/2019 14:00

It seems like you didn't really think this through op. Can you look at moving somewhere larger but not london? Is there a nearby town maybe? Your Mum does seem to be helping, what were you expecting from her? Maybe have a chat with her

underneaththeash · 01/05/2019 14:01
  1. You couldn't afford to live in London so had to move out somewhere, so you're getting more help than you would do if you just moved somewhere random.
  2. You'll find things so much easier when you're driving, make that a major priority. Ask your mum to come over regularly and go and practice with her.