Parents and help with my babies. AIBU?

[TheLastPharl]

I know the general MN opinion is that parents are in no way obligated to help with children but bear with me...

DH and I were living in London when I became pregnant with twins. We were living in an unsuitable (dropping to bits) one bedroomed rented flat. We wouldn't have been able to afford to rent anywhere better but could have looked into rehousing through the council if we’d chosen to do so. My parents were really happy (first grandchildren) and were really encouraging regarding the idea of us moving back to where they live in a totally different part of the country. My DM talked endlessly of how much she could help with the twins and how we wouldn’t cope with them alone (DH parents divorced and living outside of London)

So we very hurriedly found a place near parents as my pregnancy was complicated and babies likely to come early. We are now living in a tiny village with terrible bus routes and neither of us drive (although I’m currently taking lessons) DH has a job near by but works awful shifts, either 12 hour days or 12 hour overnights.

My parents do help, don’t get me wrong, but not in the way I had expected. A lot of it is centred around bringing us shopping as we’re too isolated to get to shops without it being a struggle and my DM takes me to baby groups/activities. While I am grateful for this it’s basically stuff I could have done on my own if we’d stayed in London. My Dh has been on back to back nights for the last four days and I’ve barely seen my parents apart from when I went over for Sunday dinner.

I am so horribly isolated. There’s only one walk around the village suitable for a pram. I can’t really go anywhere as the buses are terrible. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m really quite angry with my parents for talking us into moving back here and then failing to deliver on their promises but feel I can’t do anything for fear of sounding ungrateful. AIBU?

Yep, I would move back.

But why would you move to a tiny village with limited transport when you can’t drive? How did you think it would work?

I grew up rurally btw.

Hi,
I understand you are disappointed at the level of help you are getting from your parents but looking after two babies which are not your own would be daunting for most people. Perhaps you could ask your mum to spend time with you and help while you are there, so you might get to do some house work or something, but she is not alone if they are crying etc.

Having children is an enormous life change and as well as being rewarding it can be isolating, boring not to mention sleep depriving ..and with twins even more so of course. If you are used to having time and hobbies of your own and a clean house it is a huge upheaval. I think as well as being disappointed about the help you get you are looking at London with rose tinted specs and unfairly blaming your parents for your decision to leave.

Your housing in London was unsuitable, you could not afford anything better and you were very unlikely to be offered a new property by the council as they just don’t have the stock. They might have offered you something outside of London. You were unlikely to be able to offer your children a comfortable family home or garden even in the future while living in London.

Try to not dwell on the past and look forward. You are learning to drive which is great. I agree with posters when you are able to move to a town or city with more facilities then go for it.

It is great your husband has a job locally. You refer to his shifts as terrible but does working 12 hours mean he does 3 on four off or something like that? If he had a 9-5 but drove and had a reasonable commute like a lot of people he could easily be out 8-6:30 5 days a week so I don’t think it’s too bad unless he’s doing 12 hour shifts 6 days a week so you aren’t getting the support you need. If he is he needs to cut back the overtime if you can manage financially. Would the same workplace be suitable for you? (as it is local) perhaps when you are ready you would like to work some days leaving the kids with your hubby so you feel less isolated and have a change. If the workplace could employ you both they might be willing to give you different days/nights.

You mention moving ‘back’ to your parents’ area. Are there childhood friends locally that you could try to reconnect with?

On days where my DH was on a long shift, I didn't live very near my mum and only he drove, he would drop me at my mum's house for the day and we would spend it together and my siblings would know we were there to and would pop in to visit. It meant that I had a nice day each week to look forward to and it was enough for my mum without draining her all week.

Maybe your mum and Dad could do that too OP? Take you over to theirs for a day or even a couple of afternoons? It would also give them a better insight of how much work it is everyday.

Getting yourself driving would help enormously, is there anyone you've gotten on well with at any of the baby groups that you could invite over?

Think about what would help and ask for it. Is it help at bath time, someone to sit and have tea with? The thing I really wanted was a block of time where I could lay down and only be tagged in for feedings.

They might say no if you are specific, and I’ve has that happen and it is just crushing when you are so beaten down already, but they might say yes.

Why dont you ask your mum for the different help that you want

I don't think it's your parents not helping enough that's the issue, it's that your totally isolated. Your parents probably didn't think about that when they advised you to move back, and it doesn't look like you did really, either.
If you've moved back close to your parents, does that mean you have old friends nearby too?

You need a way to be able to start making a life for yourself as a mother and as a family. It doesn't sound like the village you're in is the place for you to do that 🙁

They sound a hundred times better than my parents op. It sounds as though they wanted to tick the box of seeing you and having you nearby but they have misled you with offers of help.
I'm not sure though what else they could help with to make it easier?
Learning to drive should be your number one priority, so focus on that. Perhaps if only one thing they help with could be to watch the DC whilst you have your lessons?
Hunker down, enjoy the precious time with just you and your children and then when you can drive, you'll get out more and things will be much better.
Don't forget that the children are being brought up in a lovely, healthy location as opposed to London. You are doing it for them.

Also your twins may be too young for you to see how much they love their grandparents. I wouldn’t move back, I’d look for a nearby place with better public transport if learning to drive and running a car isn’t possible, and like others have said, being clearer with your parents, having an honest discussion.

Maybe your folks can’t cope with the reality of young twins but will come into their own when they are a bit older? Young children can be too much for many in their 50s plus.

I had similar over promises but your parents sound as though they are really trying.

You need to let go of being angry about your parents suggestions/persuasions right now.

Our parents suggest all sorts of things. DH and I make non committal noises and discuss things together to make decisions.

Only then can you talk to them about the sort of help you'd find useful.

I think this is on you and DH.
They are helping a lot. You just have unrealistic expectations. You moved somewhere unsuitable with the belief that your parents would solve any issues.
You can't look back and think you could've done all this in London because as you said you lived in a one bedroom flat that was unsafe. Your next option was the council.

You wouldn't have gotten accommodation straight away. You may have ended up with all 4 of you in emergency accommodation.
So London was never sustainable

If theres one thing I've learnt from having a baby, its be clear what you need and dont accept help that isn't actually helpful just so that people feel good about themselves. DM and MIL were like this. DM was obsessed with helping wash beds but sat whilst I stripped and remade the bedding post c section so she could take it away and wash it at her house (we have a washing machine ffs). MIL tells everyone how much she helped when in reality she sat on the sofa expecting to be waited on whilst I did everything around her. I asked her once to help put shopping away as I was in pain and what a fucking nightmare that was. I wouldn't of cared if I had no help but I do understand the frustration of someone going on about helping you only for you not really feel much benefit. Get your shopping delivered. I cant imagine getting out and shopping with newborn twins is easy even with your mum. Could you talk to her and tell her what you need instead? Could you afford a cleaner a couple of times a week? Could she come over and help bath the twins or let you rest for a couple or hours?

What do you want her to do? Have you talked to her specifically about what you need? Because if I was her, I think I would think I was doing OK...........

Hi OP,

I have twins (and a child 18 months older!) and the first year or so of their lives was very very hard work indeed. Wherever you end up, life will get easier.
It's hard to tell from your OP if your parents actually promised more than they are now offering, or if they really want to help but this is just a communication failure, or if it's just that your life is very difficult at the moment and you're focusing the blame on them (not meant to sound judgemental - I've been there).
It sounds very difficult living somewhere like that and not being able to drive. How did you think that would work before you moved? Are you both planning to learn to drive?
Ultimately, you're going to have to decide if you want to stay there, or move somewhere else. If this is dependent on what support your parents can offer this probably needs another honest conversation with them about it.
It is very hard having baby twins and living somewhere new. Like you, we moved out of London when we had twins - in our case we moved to DH's hometown, meaning I had no friends or support network of my own (other than my in-laws). I remember that feeling that people aren't really helping in the way that you'd like them to, though I would also have been hard-pressed to explain exactly what it was that I wanted them to do. Just make it a bit bloody easier, I think, and of course they were trying to, but within the context of our little family being a small part of their own lives but a huge daily reality for me.

It was also very hard to make friends at first - I was exhausted and looking after three small children. I didn't do a lot of chatting at playgroups because I was busy looking after my kids. But it got better and now I am very settled where we live.

I'm rambling a bit, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I understand all the people on here who are saying that your expectations of your parents are too high and that you made an adult decision to move without thinking through the consequences, but that this would have been a difficult time wherever you were and it might be easier to take some decisions about how you want things to be once you're a bit further through the hazy bit of baby twins.

I understand how disappointing you are but I think the issue is that you live somewhere without easy baby groups/ socialising..... your mum can never fill the gap of meeting other mums. How soon can you learn to drive so you feel less isolated? If you asked your mum to drive you more instead of the shopping which you could have delivered would she say no?