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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and help with my babies. AIBU?

65 replies

TheLastPharl · 01/05/2019 13:11

I know the general MN opinion is that parents are in no way obligated to help with children but bear with me...

DH and I were living in London when I became pregnant with twins. We were living in an unsuitable (dropping to bits) one bedroomed rented flat. We wouldn't have been able to afford to rent anywhere better but could have looked into rehousing through the council if we’d chosen to do so. My parents were really happy (first grandchildren) and were really encouraging regarding the idea of us moving back to where they live in a totally different part of the country. My DM talked endlessly of how much she could help with the twins and how we wouldn’t cope with them alone (DH parents divorced and living outside of London)

So we very hurriedly found a place near parents as my pregnancy was complicated and babies likely to come early. We are now living in a tiny village with terrible bus routes and neither of us drive (although I’m currently taking lessons) DH has a job near by but works awful shifts, either 12 hour days or 12 hour overnights.

My parents do help, don’t get me wrong, but not in the way I had expected. A lot of it is centred around bringing us shopping as we’re too isolated to get to shops without it being a struggle and my DM takes me to baby groups/activities. While I am grateful for this it’s basically stuff I could have done on my own if we’d stayed in London. My Dh has been on back to back nights for the last four days and I’ve barely seen my parents apart from when I went over for Sunday dinner.

I am so horribly isolated. There’s only one walk around the village suitable for a pram. I can’t really go anywhere as the buses are terrible. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m really quite angry with my parents for talking us into moving back here and then failing to deliver on their promises but feel I can’t do anything for fear of sounding ungrateful. AIBU?

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 01/05/2019 14:01

They are helping you out , but its just not the sort of help you were first expecting it to be. Either this, or your parents have suddenly discovered that babies are harder work then they remember them to be and just dont want to do much more than they already are? my parents or Dh's parents did not help us at all , ever, so i would have been over the moon with what you are getting, but i appreciate having twins is far harder and your new place does sound a bit isolated.
being able to drive will help - or think about moving again? ( i know thats not an easy thing to do either, but it might be worth a look at other alternatives? ) are you renting or have you bought somewhere?
I dont mean to sound goady and maybe you were a bit deceived by them as well? i hope someone comes along with some better advice for you!

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 01/05/2019 14:02

Move to somewhere with public transport. What were you thinking, neither of you can drive, how was this ever going to be an improvement?

WishIwas19again · 01/05/2019 14:03

Be kind to yourself, and your parents.
You've had major life events Condensed into in a short period, moving, having twins, new to parenthood - all stressful.

I struggled with loneliness and isolation on maternity leave and I live in a big city, it's impossible to predict how things will turn out when you're pregnant.

Twins must bring their own challenges and limitations on your movements (or at least logistics when they're so tiny!). Sleep deprivation also left me low and less able to cope with every day challenges, so you're not alone.

It's ok to feel upset if you aren't getting the support you expected from your parents, but equally, unless there is some back story or history, they probably feel they are helping. Have you asked them for specific help? Your circumstances don't sound sustainable long term so you and your husband need to decide what is going to work now you've had experience of being parents. Try to see this as a step in the road and work out what you both want/living/jobs/how close to stay to family. Work out the compromises that suit you best, if you feel in control of the next move it may help how you are feeling.

BarbarianMum · 01/05/2019 14:03

Things that are not your parents fault:
-the fact you have twins
-the fact that you chose to live in a small, isolated village
-the fact you can't drive
-the fact they can't read your mind

How about you find yourself somewhere suitable to live and talk to them about the sort of help you're expecting?

churchthecat · 01/05/2019 14:05

What would you like them to do?

Are they both working/driving?

Baloonphobia · 01/05/2019 14:05

Driving is your real issue. When DD was 6 months I was put off the road for 6 mths due to a medical condition. DH was working away from home. I went MAD. Living in a rural place without being able to drive is just not doable in my opinion. Once I got back on the road, I got my life back.

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/05/2019 14:06

I'm not really clear on what help it was you wanted and what it was they promised?

Obviously doesn't sound ideal, but I'm not really sure what it is you are wanting them to do?

Are you just generally feeling down? How old are the twins now? Could you have PND?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/05/2019 14:09

I agree with the PP's, you've ended up in an unsuitable house/village and you need to consider moving somewhere larger with better transport options.

I'm guessing your DC (congratulation, btw!) are still fairly young and you're exhausted, so take things slowly, no rushed decisions. If I were you, I'd focus on getting my driving license and start looking online for properties. I imagine that your DH hasn't been in his current job v. long and it would be best if he stays there for now. So, look in areas that have transport to his workplace, etc.

I wouldn't worry too much about your parents, they're helping in some ways and that's better than nothing. Just focus on what you can do to improve the situation and things could be completely different in 12 months. Flowers

Jellicoe · 01/05/2019 14:09

I feel for you OP. I moved from Asia to a sleepy middle of nowhere town in middle of nowhere UK on the promises my MIL would be an active part and help in raising my 7 month old. She couldn't believe it when I asked if she would feed DS!!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/05/2019 14:11

tbh i think regardless of help the bigger issues is not driving in such a remote place....with the greatest of respect OP didnt that cross your mind?

ilikemethewayiam · 01/05/2019 14:11

I’ve learned through many painful lessons that no matter how well intentioned people are and now Matter how genuinely they meant it at the time, things more often than not don’t work out the way they intended. I now always factor in the ‘what ifs’ before I make a decision. Life is full of the unexpected! I would have factored in what if my mother, god forbid, became ill, eg, cancer, dementia, involved in an accident and became disabled etc etc, would it work for me then to live in the village? It’s not a wise idea to rely completely on one person in such an isolated area. At the very least I would have learnt to drive. I’m not sure what more you would like your mum to do for you!

Drogosnextwife · 01/05/2019 14:15

They are helping you, they take you shopping and take you to groups. You saw them on Sunday, this is only Wednesday! Did you expect them to be round at your house every day helping you?

Nonnymum · 01/05/2019 14:15

I am sorry you are finding things so difficult but I am wondering what sort of help you were expecting from your Mum. Have you spoken to her about what you need. To be honest though I think even if your mum looked after your children full time or gave you the support you expected that wouldn't be the answer, you sound very unhappy where you live and that wouldn't change if your parents helped more. Could you move to somewhere where you can walk to baby groups, the library and the shops. It sounds as though you need a network of friends and from what you say you can't make that network where you are.

LetsSplashMummy · 01/05/2019 14:17

I don't think you can blame your parents, unless you have asked them for specific help and they've refused, the sense of being supported is too vague and subjective for them to take responsibility.

The not driving is a much bigger problem. Can your parents babysit while you take lessons, intensively? Are you near a town with better transport links? I don't think your parents helping more will fix everything, you'll need to figure out all the issues and make a decision that takes them into account.

Good luck, you've had a lot of life changes to deal with, don't add a family fall out to the mix.

pallasathena · 01/05/2019 14:22

I think you need to take responsibility.
Your life, your decisions.
Not good blaming mum for everything...but convenient perhaps?

beachysandy81 · 01/05/2019 14:26

Sounds like they are being quite helpful really. Could you move out to a bigger town nearby so you can be independent and have your own life out and about with the twins, but still benefit from some babysitting/ support? How about if you decide to return to work, would they help with childcare at all?

I moved near my parents when I had my first son and remember being annoyed at my mum for not spending much time with me as I we had moved to be nearby. I think the problem with maternity leave is that a day alone especially with twins can seem like a year! Kids are older now and am working and I actually feel guilty for not seeing enough of my parents so the tables have turned.

ChicCroissant · 01/05/2019 14:29

You don't sound happy OP, but I honestly don't think that is your parent's fault. What kind of support were you expecting?

flitwit99 · 01/05/2019 14:31

Driving will improve your life massively. Ask your parents to babysit while you have lessons or ask your mum if you can practise in her car with her while the babies sleep in the back.

HavelockVetinari · 01/05/2019 14:36

It sounds really hard Flowers

Can you specify what kind of help you need? I.e. is it company, babysitting, nappy changing? Or something else?

HBStowe · 01/05/2019 14:36

You said this isn’t the kind of help you were expecting, but did you discuss with your parents the things you were hoping they would do? If not, is it too late for you to have a chat about what you would find more helpful? They’re obviously really willing and able, so it might be easy to resolve with a conversation.

I think you are being unreasonable to be resentful or angry. It was your decision to move, and you are responsible for that. If your decision to move was conditional on receiving specific forms of help, this should have been clarified before hand.

It does sound like this is an easy problem to solve, however. If your parents are keen to help, talk to them about the ways in which they can do so. As long as you’re pleasant and grateful about it, I don’t see why it should be an issue.

notatwork · 01/05/2019 14:40

What you need then is a house (2-3 beds) which cost the same or less to rent than your flat in London, in a small town within 20 mins or so drive of where your parents live.
This would enable them to have the current level of involvement, which they are comfortable with, and you to have more opportunity for social interaction and just getting out of the house. If it could be really close to your DHs work as well then all the boxes could be ticked.
Is there anything like that around?

waterrat · 01/05/2019 14:40

I get it OP. You are on your own with twins you would like support at bedtime or in the morning when you are knackered.

Maybe move back to where you were ..and build up a proper friendship network.

TwelveLeggedWalk · 01/05/2019 14:45

OP, I had twins. I think a lot of people who are saying 'what more do you expect?' here have never had the reality of being in a house with two small babies who need everything doing simultaneously.

How old are your babies and what help do you actually need most?
Is it someone to be physically there during the day to feed/change/cuddle a baby while you deal with the other one? (absolutely no shame in that, on my health visitors' advice I bought help for 2 hours 2-3 times a week while DH was a work, which just about kept me out of despair. No help at all during the day with newborn/prem twins isa long way off ideal).
Do you need help with housework/chores while you deal with the babies?
Do you need someone to watch them to let you catch up on sleep?
Or anything else?
I think you need to spell it out - I Need More Help With X.
If they can't/won't, then you need to talk to your DP about hiring help if you can find the cash, or moving somewhere that makes your life easier on other levels.

Good luck. It's the hardest thing ever but it does get easier. x

WaxOnFeckOff · 01/05/2019 14:53

Twelve I took it that asking "what is it you are expecting" is a genuine question rather than a criticism but I might be wrong. For my part, I'm trying to work out where the disconnect is, i.e. was what was expected actually communicated? I'm guessing possibly not and that the OP herself probably didn't exactly know what it was she wanted as she wouldn't really know and I suspect parents are oblivious and thinking they are helping to what they thought was expected.

It's all communication really isn't it and I totally agree that a conversation with spelling out exactly what help is wanted needs to happen. I didn't have twins, I had two 13 months apart, I'm not sure which is worse, SIL who had twins said mine was worse but I would be happy to go with twins being harder, probably swings and roundabouts.

yumyumpoppycat · 01/05/2019 14:54

Although I do agree that it is probably more practical support on a day to day basis that op needs, being somewhere with good transport links wont help with that. I guess the real issue is if her husband is now working longer hours because of the move and her parents don't come every day she is probably getting less help than she would have from her dh - however her parents couldn't have known that is what would happen.

Is there any chance your parents could come separately - I think they would probably be more help and could come more often that way.