To think babysitting 3 kids overnight less than a week after being in hospital is not okay?

[LiverpoolVictoria]

My 79 year old Father was in hospital last week for 3 days, lost over a stone in weight, and the 2 weeks before that was on holiday and so ill he asked me to find him flights home (was on a cruise) and collect him from the airport, which would have meant me taking the day off work and doing a 4-5 hour round trip. All of which I was more than happy to do. Only mentioning so you know how ill he was.

Came out of hospital last Thursday, less than a week ago, is still very weak and not himself, and it will take weeks for him to get back to normal. Hospital also showed up a possible heart issue.

Yesterday he said he didn't realise, but him and his wife (my Step Mother) were supposed to be having her sons 3 children (age 1, 4 and 6) overnight this weekend. He said he didn't want this to happen, but feels a bit forced to say yes as StepB and wife are going to London (drinking event).
He suggested to his wife (StepM) that she go to her sons and stays there (less than 5 min drive from their house), but as I was concerned this wouldn't happen I messaged StepB wife to check it would. She just kept saying to speak to StepM about it.

Turns out it isn't happening, and they are having the kids at their house.

I have told StepM and StepB wife they are being selfish, that Father isn't well enough to have 3 young children there overnight, and StepM needs to stay at her sons house overnight to babysit.

The kids, as lovely as they are, get up in the night several times - all 3 of them - and will also be up really early.

AIBU?! My only concern is my Fathers health, and being older and having gone through what he has, I feel it would be too much right now for him, and could have a detrimental effect on him.
Yes he is an adult and can speak up, but as I said, he is weak and doesn't have all his strength right now, and is definitely not his usual self.

Lillith why should op look after some one else’s children? They have adult parents who can see their step father is still ill.

I have this with my family and I’m sorry but hospital visits and arranging stuff is doing stuff it’s extremely time consuming and takes you away from your own family. You end up covering every one else’s arse because they won’t take the situation seriously or don’t give a shite.

assuming they're very used to staying at your father's house (you say thy have their own room and stuff there), maybe it won't be as disruptive as you think. Your father could do with telling his wife that she needs to take them out for outings during the day perhaps

LillithsFamiliar – You said I wasn’t supporting them, I was highlighting I was and what I did.

How many times did StepB or his wife go to the hospital when Father was in there? Zero.

Why would I help look after 3 children when their own parents are happy to go out and get drunk and not look after them?! I work, the only time I can spend quality time with MY child is at the weekend, which is what I do. Why would I then offer to look after their kids while they go out (again) drinking?
If you choose to have 3 children then you should look after them. Trust me, they get a lot of time to go out, most weekends in fact, and it is not my responsibility to look after their kids and facilitate that.

He doesn’t need any help or support, he just needs to be left alone in peace! He needs to recover, be on his own without 3 screaming kids there.

Thanks for the counselling advice, I am not an anxious person, I usually bite my tongue, but when it comes to my Fathers health and the fact he could have died LAST WEEK, yeah, I am a little fraught!

I would be more than happy for Father to stay with us, but I know he won’t. I will suggest it though.

Tight I didn't say she should do that. I was making the point that phoning people and asking them to change their plans or explain their plans to her isn't the best way to proceed here. She can't change the other people in her family. She can't expect them to do what she says. She can, however, control what she does.
As for hospital visits, I've spent years caring for elderly relatives, arranging appointments, running a business, I know what it entails. I also know how to manage relatives to ensure people get enough support. As OP is realising, calling and telling people your opinion doesn't usually get results.

LillithsFamiliar - I'm not even asking them to change their plans to go out, just to have the kids sleep in a different house to where Father is. I don't think that's to much to ask?!

OP it depends on how far you want to push it.

Your either going to call step mum again and ask her to have them at their house because your dad needs to rest as he was seriously ill last week and he should be priority

Or bite your tongue

Tightarseparent1 - I know... I've made my feelings clear, so will see what they decide.

I think you need to separate out your reasonable feelings those unreasonable. Your judgment about your StepSIL is too much - she has simply asked in advance for her children's grandparents to look after her children for one night (and I dont think her expectations of childcare are that out of sync with the norm). She has said it is your StepM choice.

Your StepM seems to not want to say no or make a decision but I suspect is happier at her own house. But it is her and your fathers choice.

It's one night. Let him go to a hotel if he really can't stand it. I'm sure he can shut the door and kids be told not to disturb him. Don't make bad feeling when there's no need

I don't really understand, since your DF actually asked her to do it, why your Stepmum won't babysit them at their house - is there a reason? That seems like the best option all around. It is only one night though. Hopefully he can just retreat to the bedroom. Maybe have a talk with him and make him promise to go to his room if he feels at all tired and unwell and not try and 'help'.

My DF was ill recently and then tried to overdo it and then had a setback and ended up back in hospital. It's entirely reasonable and the actions of a caring child to point out to him he needs to rest and put himself first for once (it sounds like maybe he's the type not to). He should absolutely not be involved in the childcare in any way - and the kids should be told not to bug him too. The older two at least should be old enough to understand that.

He's not on his own, surely his wife will be doing the running around

I don't think Father is getting much choice, but will leave it now and won't say anything else more.

Hopefully they will see how strongly I feel about this, I have NEVER spoke up before, and do what is best for him.
I will speak to Father and say to make sure he doesn't over-do it and to take himself away from everything if he needs to.

I get why you are concerned but I think your opinion on your sil is a little much. Your step mom seems hyper sensitive for her own reasons and what your sil has said to her in the past is perfectly reasonable.

I think interjecting yourself and calling them selfish was a little much. Offering help would have made more sense.

Offering help - to babysit 3 small kids so their parents can have a night out? Why on earth should op do that? The only selfish people in this scenario are StepB and his wife. They should have the cop on not to send their kids to their grandmother/step grandfathers house given the circumstances.

But that is for the step mom to agree to. It sound like the Step mom is insisting on having them. That isn't the db or dsil's fault.

Op I think you need to butt out of it or you'll be made out to be the bad guy.

SSIL has been perfectly reasonable in her asking, and saying if its too much etc etc.

SMIL seems insistent that it will be fine.
Sometimes you just have to go with it. It is only one night and he will probably enjoy seeing them.

second post on the subject and i am totally with you that its not on

but the issue is your father is an adult and it is for HIM to say no - not you - you cannot force the issue on his behalf - I know he has said he would prefer not to - but he needs to say "no its not possible" and he can do if he wishes

my MIL & SIL both prone to take advantage and at first I would say if asked about things "oh i don't know" or " i am not sure" eg undecided which led to them trampling all over us and doing whatever they wanted anyway because their was no real direct resistance to what was being suggested - so now we are clearer and give a more definite no and or are more assertive and suggest our own preferred option. Difficulty is your father has said he would prefer which is clearly not being taken seriously.

also you need to stop helping MIL out so much she has her own children let them do their bit - you have a business and a 2 year old take care of yourself

I think if Step Mum is so terrified that step SIL will not allow her to see the kids if she refuses to babysit on this occasion, there must be some backstory to this and if that is the case then I don't understand why people are saying StepSIL is being perfectly reasonable to ask. Clearly she's not reasonable or she wouldn't be having that effect on StepMIL.. She knows the circumstances and does not seem to care. It reads as if she's said let StepMil decide - knowing that StepMum will do exactly as Step SIL wants.
YANBU OP to be concerned about the effect of this visit on your recovering DF and I think you are getting a very hard time on here
Yes your father could say no more firmly but he is feeling weak at the moment after his illness and is probably just too zapped for the confrontation that entails.
I cant think of any good advice to offer since it appears StepMIL and StepSIL will probably go ahead with the plan whatever you or your DF say, but perhaps a kind word with StepMil discussing some ways of keeping the three DSNs out from under your dad's feet might help lighten the load on him?