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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think babysitting 3 kids overnight less than a week after being in hospital is not okay?

68 replies

LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 12:14

My 79 year old Father was in hospital last week for 3 days, lost over a stone in weight, and the 2 weeks before that was on holiday and so ill he asked me to find him flights home (was on a cruise) and collect him from the airport, which would have meant me taking the day off work and doing a 4-5 hour round trip. All of which I was more than happy to do. Only mentioning so you know how ill he was.

Came out of hospital last Thursday, less than a week ago, is still very weak and not himself, and it will take weeks for him to get back to normal. Hospital also showed up a possible heart issue.

Yesterday he said he didn't realise, but him and his wife (my Step Mother) were supposed to be having her sons 3 children (age 1, 4 and 6) overnight this weekend. He said he didn't want this to happen, but feels a bit forced to say yes as StepB and wife are going to London (drinking event).
He suggested to his wife (StepM) that she go to her sons and stays there (less than 5 min drive from their house), but as I was concerned this wouldn't happen I messaged StepB wife to check it would. She just kept saying to speak to StepM about it.

Turns out it isn't happening, and they are having the kids at their house.

I have told StepM and StepB wife they are being selfish, that Father isn't well enough to have 3 young children there overnight, and StepM needs to stay at her sons house overnight to babysit.

The kids, as lovely as they are, get up in the night several times - all 3 of them - and will also be up really early.

AIBU?! My only concern is my Fathers health, and being older and having gone through what he has, I feel it would be too much right now for him, and could have a detrimental effect on him.
Yes he is an adult and can speak up, but as I said, he is weak and doesn't have all his strength right now, and is definitely not his usual self.

OP posts:
Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 13:25

I'm more than happy to visit him, and also for him to come to me. But he isn't unwell in the sense he needs someone there to look after him, he's just weak, frail and tired.

He would be more than happy to just be at home on his own, lounge around, watch some TV, have a nap, then have dinner and go to bed.

OP posts:
cheshirecat777 · 01/05/2019 13:31

Absolutely agree with OP very cheeky to expect anyone over age of 75 to look after 3 v young children over night let alone if they have been ill

Really your step mum should have just said no or agreed to do babysitting at the children's home

I would be concerned that your step mum is not caring v much aboit your father

ilikemethewayiam · 01/05/2019 13:35

Seriously, is there a reason why SM can’t babysit at the kids own house? It would be less disruptive for everyone! It doesn’t make any sense to uproot the kids to a different house which will excite them and make them more difficult to settle. I can only say that there is no way anyone of my siblings or I would do that to one of our frail recovering elderly parents in that position. It beggars belief that anyone would think that’s ok!

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2019 13:38

The problem seems to be no one is willing to make that decision - StepBW says its up to StepM, StepM doesnt want to say that is ok with her, OPs father doesnt want to push the matter

and it seems to go round and round

OP has StepB wife said no to it being at hers or that it is StepM choice - I am unclear because you seem to blame them both whereas actually it seems to be StepM who is saying no

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 01/05/2019 13:39

Well it sounds like he's been quite clear he'd prefer the babysitting happen away from his house, but your SM is ignoring his requests. That is worrying - why is she being so callous and disregarding his wishes? Can you speak to her directly and raise the issue of germs (I'd imagine so soon out of hospital it wouldn't be great if he catches any of the germs the kids will inevitably be carrying)? Is she generally caring towards your Dad or not?

Baloonphobia · 01/05/2019 13:45

Who are you angry at stepm or stepbw? And why are the relevant men not taking part in any of this ire?

Myheartbelongsto · 01/05/2019 13:46

Get your dad to yours for the weekend op.

And you sound so, so lovely. I logged in just to tell you that really.

converseandjeans · 01/05/2019 13:48

YANBU and they are all being very selfish. It sounds like your stepmum is determined to do what she wants and help out her DS. Whatever you say will be interpreted as you being jealous/unreasonable. I think your father needs some peace and time to recover. Such a shame they are all intent on going ahead with their own plans and making his life uncomfortable.

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 13:51

Quartz2208 - StepB wife has said to speak to StepM as that's what she had done about the matter. I said that as it was her children I was speaking to her. Then StepM texted saying she didn't know what was going on (DiL has obviously messaged her), but she told Father she would stay at sons if that's what he wanted, but then went on to say it was her judgement to make, and that everyone has Fathers best interests at heart?!
So for me, why is no-one just saying 'I/StepM will stay at sons and look after the kids overnight there'???

Ineedacupofteadesperately - She is usually very caring with Father, but she will look after the Grandkids if he (or even her) are really tired (and she doesn't want to) as she will never say no to DiL in case she then gets funny and says she can't have them.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/05/2019 13:53

I actually don't think this is such a massive deal - the children's GM will be looking after them. Compared to being in hospital, where you get woken many times a night, and certainly at 6am, it will still be more restful.

It would of course be different if he himself was babysitting them, as the title indicates, but in reality they are just being babysat by someone else in the same house as him.

PregnantSea · 01/05/2019 13:58

I agree that they are massively taking the piss. Your poor Dad. But still it really is none of your business. Unless your Dad is suffering from dementia or something then it's really up to him what he does and doesn't agree to with your step brother and you should just stay out of it.

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 14:00

That's all I want, for him to have time and space to get better. He's very independent, is usually very active and sociable, but this has knocked him for six.
Everyone just seems to think as he is getting better he will be okay for the weekend, but he's 79, has just been through a pretty rough time, and won't be. Then having the 3 kids there will potentially put his recovery back. It's horrible seeing him like this.

I never get involved with things that they do, even when I do feel like StepB wife is taking the p*ss with the amount of time they have the kids, but when it comes to my Fathers health I have to say something.

I just wanted to check I wasn't being U in saying something, as they're making me feel I'm saying they don't care about Father. I have never said they don't, just that having the kids stay overnight at their house this weekend is selfish and not in Fathers best interests.

They can still go out, go to London, and the kids can be babysat, just in their own home - which as I said, is less than a 5 min drive from Father/StepM house!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/05/2019 14:01

So for me, why is no-one just saying 'I/StepM will stay at sons and look after the kids overnight there'???

You are right OP it is exactly this but it is StepM not your stepSIL choice here - has she ever actually gotten funny at all?

PurplePiePete · 01/05/2019 14:02

can you sell it to stepm as being so much easier with familiarity of surroundings, their own beds and toys etc? It so so blatantly better for the three kids and her own husband that it's hard to understand why she is so adamant that everyone is disrupted massively instead of just her?

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 14:04

Quartz2208 - Gotten funny with me? StepM? No never, she's always been lovely, but when it comes to the Grandkids and not wanting to upset SSiL she will do what she says.

SSiL is also very 'nice' (manipulative) and will say 'Oh, if you don't want the kids at yours that's fine.....I can ask someone else to have them instead.....if it's too much for you....' and then StepM panics and thinks if she says no to her she won't let her see them again.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 01/05/2019 14:04

I think you're blowing this out of proportion. You are not the only one who cares about your DF hence your Step-mum's comment about everyone having your DF's best interests at heart.
I don't think causing this much drama about one overnight is helpful to your DF. You're creating added stress and have went about this in a way designed to cause most drama eg by contacting StepB's wife rather than speaking to your StepM directly and offering support.
It's understandable that you're worried about your DF but this wasn't the way to offer support to him or StepM.

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 14:05

PurplePiePete - The kids have their own bedroom at the house, so have things there.

OP posts:
Baloonphobia · 01/05/2019 14:07

Is it only one night?

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 14:11

LillithsFamiliar - That is totally untrue and unfair! I am not causing drama, I am voicing my concerns about my Fathers health, which everyone is ignoring. These concerns HE has also voiced to them, which also seem to have been ignored. Hence me actually doing something about it.

I have been there for the 3 days he was in hospital, taking time out of my business (losing a lot of money in the process) to be there for him AND her. I have dropped her home from hospital at 9pm, having been there for hours and missing out on seeing my child that day. I also found them flights to get home, from two locations, when they were away, saying I would drive to collect them so they didn't have to worry about getting a train/taxi home. Plus rearranging childcare and my work.

I went to StepB wife rather than StepM as I know StepM would do whatever she was told, knew she wouldn't want to let down/upset StepB wife, so wouldn't want to rock the boat by changing the arrangements.

OP posts:
Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 14:12

My granny is 83 and is recovering from an illness, it’s really took it out of her and she is only just starting to feel ‘better’ even though she was ‘physically’ well three weeks ago.

I’d be annoyed too OP some people are just so selfish

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2019 14:13

Yes but your Step SIL has never actually said that though and she is right someone else can.

It just seems as if everyone is too scared to come out and say something or make a decision about anything and blow everything out of proportion for just a one night stay. It seems that a lot of panicking about stuff occurs

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 14:15

Baloonphobia - I have no idea, I'm too afraid to ask!

Tightarseparent1 - That's exactly it, it takes longer to recover the older you are, and the reason he was unwell was quite significant.
I spoke to him yesterday, he was out of the house for an hour and said he had to go home and sleep as he was so tired just from that.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 01/05/2019 14:21

Could you have him over to yours and you sleep on the sofabed?

I know my own dad would be very hard to persuade to take our bed (I'd have to physically occupy the bed well before bedtime to make him take mine), but it might be best if everyone else is being inflexible.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/05/2019 14:21

Liverpool visiting a hospital, collecting a parent, rearranging childcare, etc are standard behaviour for an adult with a sick parent.
You haven't 'actually done something' except call everyone involved, speak to your DF, post on MN and turn this into a big issue. Doing something would have been (1) offering to help your SM to look after the DCs (2) offering to sit with your DF or stay over to look after DF (if you feel he needs extra support).(3) offering to babysit the DCs at their own house and let SM and DF have a night off. All of which would have involved you 'doing something' rather than you 'telling other people to do something'.
You sound very fraught and dramatic over all of this. If you aren't usually overly anxious then you might need some extra support to help you cope with your DF's illness.

Tightarseparent1 · 01/05/2019 14:22

liverpool I’m not sure what your going to do as my granny was still doing my 30 year old brothers washing when she could barely stand up! If I tried to intervene she would get cross at me because brother dearest can’t do no wrong - I ended up doing his frigging washing and clearing up after him so she wouldn’t have to Angry

Can you not jiggle things at home so he can stay with you? It’s really hard not to push it to the point of no return where every one falls out 😬

So how have you left it? Was there tension between you and step mum?

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