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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think babysitting 3 kids overnight less than a week after being in hospital is not okay?

68 replies

LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 12:14

My 79 year old Father was in hospital last week for 3 days, lost over a stone in weight, and the 2 weeks before that was on holiday and so ill he asked me to find him flights home (was on a cruise) and collect him from the airport, which would have meant me taking the day off work and doing a 4-5 hour round trip. All of which I was more than happy to do. Only mentioning so you know how ill he was.

Came out of hospital last Thursday, less than a week ago, is still very weak and not himself, and it will take weeks for him to get back to normal. Hospital also showed up a possible heart issue.

Yesterday he said he didn't realise, but him and his wife (my Step Mother) were supposed to be having her sons 3 children (age 1, 4 and 6) overnight this weekend. He said he didn't want this to happen, but feels a bit forced to say yes as StepB and wife are going to London (drinking event).
He suggested to his wife (StepM) that she go to her sons and stays there (less than 5 min drive from their house), but as I was concerned this wouldn't happen I messaged StepB wife to check it would. She just kept saying to speak to StepM about it.

Turns out it isn't happening, and they are having the kids at their house.

I have told StepM and StepB wife they are being selfish, that Father isn't well enough to have 3 young children there overnight, and StepM needs to stay at her sons house overnight to babysit.

The kids, as lovely as they are, get up in the night several times - all 3 of them - and will also be up really early.

AIBU?! My only concern is my Fathers health, and being older and having gone through what he has, I feel it would be too much right now for him, and could have a detrimental effect on him.
Yes he is an adult and can speak up, but as I said, he is weak and doesn't have all his strength right now, and is definitely not his usual self.

OP posts:
Prequelle · 01/05/2019 12:16

YANBU.

The parents are being selfish.

MancaroniCheese · 01/05/2019 12:18

They are taking the piss but not sure why you are messaging your step brother's wife - why aren't you messaging him?

If your Dad needs an empty house and they are insistent that the kids go to his then he should stay at theirs and let your SM look after the kids at her/your Dad's house.

NoHolidaysforyou · 01/05/2019 12:18

YANBU. This is not an emergency for your StepM to babysit so really I think you need to chat with her since your father is probably too tired to do it. Your StepB is being a jerk.

Nuttyaboutnutella · 01/05/2019 12:18

I agree with you. However, beyond giving your thoughts on the matter, I don't see what else you can do. You can't force your step brother not to take the kids around.

Hope your father is okay Flowers

Notonthestairs · 01/05/2019 12:21

Is he well enough to be left alone in the house?

Settlersofcatan · 01/05/2019 12:24

Can he come to yours for the weekend?

44PumpLane · 01/05/2019 12:35

I'm not sure here..... But do your father and Step Mother have multiple bedrooms? Is he intending on staying in a different room to his wife so that if they children wake he won't be disturbed?

I see your point and that ideally he needs rest but if your Step Mother will genuinely do all the work with the children then I'm kot sure I see it as an issue if your Father will get to ignore them and carry on.

Perhaps your Step Mother doesn't want to be away from your father overnight in case anything should happen but also doesn't want to let down her son and daughter in law who have made these plans.

Provided your father isn't expected to do anything I'm not sure it's too much of an issue.

(I do see where you are coming from though and if it were me I would have tried to make alternate arrangements but perhaps they tried)?

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 12:35

He is well enough to be on his own, and after being ill overseas for 2 weeks, and then coming back and being in hospital for 3 nights, he just wants to be in his own home and do what he wants, nap when he wants and not have to worry about people being there.

He wouldn't go to StepB's as it's not his home and has never stayed there.

I only messaged StepB wife as she wears the trousers....and he just does what she says.

She also gets them to babysit a lot, far too much for my liking - at least one day a week and one day/night every other weekend - but that's not my business. But it becomes my business when it is something that could have a negative effect on my Father's health.

He could come to us, but we don't have a spare bedroom (we have a spare room with a sofa-bed) and have a 2 year old, so it may not be very relaxing!

StepM messaged me, StepB wife has called her, and said that it's a judgement she will make.....! Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 12:42

44PumpLane - They do have multiple bedrooms, and Father could go in a different room, but he would still wake up in the night when they do, and be woken up early (6am).

StepM would do the majority of the care, but having the 3 of them would mean he would have to do some things, and it's also just the hecticness and noise levels.

I'm not saying for them to change their
plans, just for StepM to stay at her sons overnight with the kids so Father can get some sleep, as he'll no doubt be shattered from having them all day.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 01/05/2019 12:46

Your father should be able to say no. It's not StepM decision whether he is fit enough, it's his. She shouldn't be making a judgement, he should. Why can't he tell her that they simply cannot stay and she will have to go to kids house on this occasion if she wants to babysit her grandchildren?

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2019 12:48

If your StepM is doing it all what is the difference between being at her house (where she finds it easier to do it all) and someone elses house?

And also perhaps she feels this way she gets to do both

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 01/05/2019 12:49

This is between your stepmum and the family involved. You cannot make decisions for other adults.

ineedaholidaynow · 01/05/2019 12:51

Could you argue it would be better if SM went to their house as children might bring too many germs into the house especially as your Dad has just got out of hospital.

When my Dad was ill and immunosuppressed we often postponed visits if it looked if we were coming down with a cold or had been with someone with a bug.

MyRankIsSuperintendent · 01/05/2019 12:53

YANBU and it's the least StepB & BW can do for a night's free babysitting

NoHolidaysforyou · 01/05/2019 12:54

It sounds like StepB's wife is nasty. I guess StepM is scared of starting an argument with her in case she tries to get back at her (i.e. telling her she can't see her grandchildren then or something). I'm sorry you all have to deal with a woman like that, it's horrible. There's not much you can do.

Quartz2208 · 01/05/2019 13:02

Why is she nasty - she has asked her MIL to babysit her (grand) children (and even though the OP clearly is judgemental about the amount one day a week and one night a fortnight is hardly a lot) because they are going away for the weekend - a perfectly normal (and normally supported on mumsnet) thing to do. She doesnt want to (understandably) push her MIL into making a decision as to where when frankly it isnt really her business to do so

It is StepM decision (and that is how I read it is her judgement call)

JaneEyre07 · 01/05/2019 13:06

With your father's weight loss, I'd be very concerned about his health and the last thing he needs is noise, chaos and the risk of exposure to germs.

You're looking out for your father when it doesn't sound like anyone else is.

userxx · 01/05/2019 13:10

YANBU in the slightest.

Rachelle11 · 01/05/2019 13:11

What does your df say? You haven't mentioned his thoughts. Maybe he wants them all over? Maybe he thinks it will cheer him up?

QueenBeex · 01/05/2019 13:14

yanbu

QueenBeex · 01/05/2019 13:15

You're looking out for your father when it doesn't sound like anyone else is

This op ^

NoHolidaysforyou · 01/05/2019 13:17

@Quartz2208 she is nasty because she knows the situation, she has had multiple conversations now about it (with OP and MIL) basically explaining it's not good timing because of the father's health and she has said she will be the judge of it (aka in control of what happens regardless of the feelings of others). It's fine to get MIL to babysit but not when everyone is concerned about the father. She isn't taking the feelings of others in to account and imo, that's selfish and nasty.

CaptainJaneway62 · 01/05/2019 13:17

The StepM should babysit the children at her son's house.
She is being unreasonable and selfish to not give your DF some space and peace and quiet.
YADNBU at all looking out for your frail father's welfare. It is a pity his wife can't do the same.

Original poster
LiverpoolVictoria · 01/05/2019 13:21

Father is really weak at the moment, and has said he would prefer her to have the kids at her sons house, but I think she will do what she wants and stay at their house with them...

If she's at her and Fathers house then it's the noise, Father won't be able to relax, won't be able to nap, and will be woken up at 6am.

NoHolidaysforyou - That is EXACTLY it! StepM has said in the past she won't ever say no to DiL through fear of not seeing the Grandkids.

whyohwhyowhydididoit - I get that, and have never interfered before, but my Father has never been this ill before. I can't make decisions for anyone, but I can put my opinion forward and hope people actually listen and stop thinking of just themselves.

Rachelle11 - He definitely doesn't want them all overnight, and only found out yesterday it was happening, and then told his wife he would 'prefer' her to stay at her sons the night. Seems that's not been listened to, which is what I am upset about.

OP posts:
Ohmygoodness101 · 01/05/2019 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.