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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think there’s no hope for me

94 replies

Netoflies · 30/04/2019 10:48

Long story shortened . I am in a relationship of a year . He is lovely and we get on very well together . He is generous and funny and kind . I have al lot of issues from my past. He is sensitive and patient when I get anxiety and nervous . However and here is the problem , the relationship is going at a snails pace . So as not to drip feed, il give examples of why I wonder if there’s no hope for us .
I see him only a day or two per week, overnight only once perhaps.
Meeting him is always his call
We have had only a weekend away since we met last year .
He doesn’t have any evidence of me on social media despite being quite active .
His family seem to be involved in a lot of our dates .
He puts his social life in front of our relationship meaning that of a boys night or a game come up, he’ll be gone .
He doesn’t consult with me on his social life or plans really.
He drinks beer. I really don’t but enjoys a drink based social life. My preferences don’t really count.
He goes awol when his college friends and family members come home from overseas . I meet them briefly and then go home . Same situation with his family. Meet them briefly and get brought home .
He does not seem to want to holiday with me . Says he does but no plans . He hasn’t planned holidays with his family and friends for the summer.
I know this may read badly but we have a fantastic time when we actively spend time together . He has his own issues and hang ups and has been straight that he wants to take things easy and slowly . My worry is that it’s too slow for a year on . What are your thoughts please ?

OP posts:
Netoflies · 30/04/2019 10:50

Sorry he HAS. Planned holidays with his family and friends this summer .

OP posts:
Deadposhtory · 30/04/2019 10:51

Get rid you can do so much better

IsYourGoogleBroken · 30/04/2019 10:55

If you arent getting anything out of this relationship, then it's ok to leave, you dont need permision or a reason.

But relationships are two way streets - eg have you sat him down and said "I want to go to Croatia for the weekend, what do you think?" and shove weblink under his nose - initiate the discussion.

You dont say how old you are, but that first flush of a relationship, you're bonking like rabbits and never leave the house. Id want some one with a little more get up and go

BlueMerchant · 30/04/2019 10:55

He sounds young and care-free. I think he probably really likes you just isn't ready to settle down.

Netoflies · 30/04/2019 10:58

He’s 33. I’m 30

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Netoflies · 30/04/2019 11:01

If I say I want to do a certain activity, he will do it if he wants to but if it eats into his time or previous plans made, it’s a no. He can be a little patronising without meaning to be . Meaning it feels like he is putting himself out when I want to do something specific . Almost like he is going against what he wants but will do it with a wry smile . I’m not expressing my thoughts very well here sorry

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BlueMerchant · 30/04/2019 11:05

He's quite immature for 33. I'd have to ask him how he views the future and our relationship. You don't want to be in this position in 5years time and realize he has some wierd Peter Pan complex and you have wasted years on someone who can't give you any commitment.
I thought judging your post he sounded like a young early twenties.

ChuckleBuckles · 30/04/2019 11:09

Op you sound like an option for him, not a priority. I would have guessed that this guy was 19 or 20 from reading your initial post but for him to be like this at 33 is not a good outlook for your relationship future. It just reads like you are expected to fill in the gaps when he has free time to fill.

What are you getting out of this? Honestly are you happy to be treated like this?

mummymeister · 30/04/2019 11:27

some 33 year olds just don't grow up. I have met a fair few over the years and they get into their 50's and still prioritise nights out with the lads. usually they have a long suffering girl friend in the background who services their other needs - sex, friendship etc but nothing else.

What you are doing at the moment is just hanging on and really he would be happy if you did that for the next 20 years. if you aren't then go now before you end up wasting years on him or have a child with him and find that that makes no difference either.

If you want marriage, children etc then you need to prioritise your needs above his and move on.

At the moment this is all about him - what he wants, what he needs, he calls the shots, he decides the what, when where and how of everything. This is never going to change - why should it, its just the way he likes it.

move on now before you waste any more of your life.

Cobblersandhogwash · 30/04/2019 11:41

He's not prioritising you. He should be.

I would leave the relationship now with no fuss. If he wants to know why, tell him. Tell him you expect to be treated as a priority regardless of how slow the relationship is going.

Sounds to me like his taking a relationship slowly means he can do what he likes and make you feel second best as a result.

No thanks.

EnglishRose13 · 30/04/2019 11:43

This sounds similar to my relationship with my ex, especially going AWOL and no evidence of me on social media. But a great time when I actually did see him. Does he say he will see you but when the time comes he doesn't respond to messages?

Within two weeks of breaking up, his new girlfriend was plastered all over his Facebook profile.

It hurt but now I look back and realise that he just didn't have the same feelings for me.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/04/2019 11:45

He's made it very clear that you're an option, but not a priority or even his preferred option.

Is that enough for you? There are no indications that is going to change.

Lweji · 30/04/2019 11:50

It really depends on what you want.
If you're looking for a life partner with whom to have children, I don't think this is the one, and it's fine for you to end it and look for someone who wants the same as you.

You can have friends like your current bf. Or even be friends with him.

StormTreader · 30/04/2019 12:11

I suspect he introduces you as his "friend" when you meet his friends, right?

Netoflies · 30/04/2019 12:20

So here is my problem . I’m mad about him. His personality is exactly what I want and love . He wants to get married and have children in Time. He is caring and funny and bright . He is independent financially and well travelled, owl home, own car . He has lots of interests and is interesting . Me on the other hand ... I work in a minimum paid job with no prospects. I rent a room on a house . I have a car that keeps breaking down . I have no extra money at the end of the week for clothes, social life, etc so I have to save hard for extras. I am out of a twelve year relationship where I was treated as a maid to him. He was lazy and useless and didn’t care for me or my feelings in the end. I went straight into this relationship as I felt ready because the relationship had been dying
For years .i have my own issues and problems with friends and family and he is very supportive and caring and encouraging but sometimes I feel I am too much for him. I have experienced a lot of grief and sadness in my life to now . He is like a life saver . I feel special
And adored when I am
With him but I do not feel like he wants the intensity and speed that I do. I hold back on suggestions and asking to meet me even though it kills me . Sometimes he tries to change plans last minute but I get upset so he doesn’t . I am so committed to us but I don’t feel that it’s reciprocated unless it’s what he wants . I k ow he likes me and he loves me but don’t feel hope that we will move the relationship on any time soon .

OP posts:
Netoflies · 30/04/2019 12:23

He introduces me as his girlfriend but I do know that one of the family’s partners did comment on the lack of meeting and general time we spend together and he got angry

OP posts:
Lweji · 30/04/2019 12:30

He wants to get married and have children in Time.

The question is: does he want to get married and have children with you?

After a year both of you should be able to tell where you want to go, particularly if you're 30.

It seems that you endured a relationship where you were treated as a maid, and you've entered a second relationship where you feel like you're not at the same level. You also don't need a rescuer.

Have a proper relationship conversation with him.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 30/04/2019 12:31

He's just not that into you.

managedmis · 30/04/2019 12:32

He sounds like a waster.

And if you talk to him like you've spoken on this thread I'm not surprised he's disengaged!

Don't sell yourself short.

Netoflies · 30/04/2019 12:34

What do you mean@managedmis

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MardyMavis · 30/04/2019 12:35

Get rid this isn't right.

StormTreader · 30/04/2019 12:36

It sounds like you are in full "settle down, have a family, nesting" mode and he...isn't.

BarbarianMum · 30/04/2019 12:36

Oh love dont kid yourself. Dont confuse "taking things slowly with "treating you badly" they're not synonymous.

Treating you as a last option/optional extra is part of his personality and you're not loving that, are you?

He wants to get married /have children "in time". Whose time? And what if it's not to you.

You can get you're heart broken now, or later, when you've wasted a few more years on him. I'd suggest now.

Megan2018 · 30/04/2019 12:38

He’s not that in to you.
Cut your losses, find someone that can’t wait to see you and moves heaven and earth to be with you. Don’t settle.

Netoflies · 30/04/2019 12:45

Thanks for replies . He has been upfront about being
Hurt before and not getting in deep
Too quickly but this is hardly the normal
Is it? I respect he doesn’t want to have to go through humiliation again of introducing a woman to his friends and family only to be given the red card soo n after. He is keeping me at arms length but then may ask me
To meet him a week Tuesday to do something basic . So while he has plans for us, they are a good while away and not a massive effort . Is he keeping me on a string I ask myself . Is there anything to be said for him being right in taking it slowly . I think he finds that by me asking to meet and him giving reasons not to meet, I am
Being too demanding .

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