To think there’s no hope for me

[Netoflies]

Long story shortened . I am in a relationship of a year . He is lovely and we get on very well together . He is generous and funny and kind . I have al lot of issues from my past. He is sensitive and patient when I get anxiety and nervous . However and here is the problem , the relationship is going at a snails pace . So as not to drip feed, il give examples of why I wonder if there’s no hope for us .
I see him only a day or two per week, overnight only once perhaps.
Meeting him is always his call
We have had only a weekend away since we met last year .
He doesn’t have any evidence of me on social media despite being quite active .
His family seem to be involved in a lot of our dates .
He puts his social life in front of our relationship meaning that of a boys night or a game come up, he’ll be gone .
He doesn’t consult with me on his social life or plans really.
He drinks beer. I really don’t but enjoys a drink based social life. My preferences don’t really count.
He goes awol when his college friends and family members come home from overseas . I meet them briefly and then go home . Same situation with his family. Meet them briefly and get brought home .
He does not seem to want to holiday with me . Says he does but no plans . He hasn’t planned holidays with his family and friends for the summer.
I know this may read badly but we have a fantastic time when we actively spend time together . He has his own issues and hang ups and has been straight that he wants to take things easy and slowly . My worry is that it’s too slow for a year on . What are your thoughts please ?

That makes sense. Lack of emotional and physical closeness is a big part of our relationship . Excuses and reasons not to see eachother are a big part of our relationship .his family are a big part of our relationship

OP I'm sorry but this doesn't sound like a relationship for you.

When I met my dh he had never lived with another female (although owned his own flat and had a lodger) he had never had a serious relationship and so would spend alot of time watching sport or with his family who he is very close with.

However, when we got together I became his world and he became mine. Within 6 months I moved in, in a year engaged, 2 years a house together, married and now the kids.

I was 28 when I met him, he is a few years my senior.

Sport is still incredibly important but not to the detriment as a couple or family, although I try to be mindful of important games and dont try to stop him going to things unless it impacts us.

Fron the outset though he included me in decisions, when it came to meeting family it took a few months but that was more me.

I knew he was right because his behaviour towards me was different to previous blokes. I actually mattered, my views, my opinions, my likes so I pay him the same respect.

We have mutual respect for each other. From what you have said you dont have this. I know everyone is different but please dont sell yourself short

After one very bad breakup I took time to find me, lived in shared accommodation, went on a massive holiday on my own (never done it before) and became independent of needing a relationship.

If he is not making you truly happy then he is not the one for you

Sorry @Netoflies but he's just not that into you. I think you're flogging a dead horse. You need to move on and find someone who wants the same things that you do, in the same timescale that you want them.

It sounds like you think he's your boyfriend, but he thinks you're one of his friends.

OP, he isn't going to have babies with you and suddenly want to spend every waking hour with you, surely you must see that?

Dump him and get some counselling - you need to take time to get past feeling grateful to have someone in your life who will spend 30 minutes going on a walk with you on a Sunday.

Thanks for your replies . On paper it seems you are all correct but when we are together on our own ,, he is very loving and attentive . I have an issue with his social
Media because not only do I not figure on it or is there any reference to me but he has told me that he doesn’t like people .. me.. commenting on his posts or tagging him. My problem is that this isn’t across the board. He has no issue replying to tagged posts from all his friends and family but with me , he says he just is not into that . That upsets me . It’s like he is trying to hide me but then I’ve met all his family and most of his friends . Although there have been many couples nights out of his friends and their partners / wives/ girlfriends , that I have not been invited to either . They are all in established relationships though. He seems to be drip feeding me into his friendship groups individually for some reason .i do stay over at his sometimes and he stays at mine but it is almost timed to a specific hour for us to go out separate ways . I feel I can’t argue these points with him as he was clear and still is after a year that he wants to be sure of us .

If he isn’t interested in something long term in the future then why is he still with me . If he truly wants a mature adult relationship, why hang onto me and go so goddamn slow with it all.It’s not for emotional or physical closeness I know that, if this last year is the stick to measure his behaviour by .

Don't do that - if he isn't interested why is he still with me - thing. You can't use that backwards logic to get the answer you want, I'm sorry.

He's with you because you vaguely entertain him in his downtime, and because you worship him it makes him feel like the big man.

Meanwhile, you feel like shit and fret about comments on his Facebook posts. Doesn't sound great for you does it?

@Netoflies
He is keeping you dangling until he meets the right person. It's not you.
This sounds so harsh and I am sorry for that - but seriously, you are wasting your time on this man. he will never give you the relationship you want. You can waste the rest of your 30's waiting for him to change - or you can move on and find someone who wants to rearrange his life so you are the centre of it.

Why might you be a beard??

Because he prefers to parade you in front of his family than spend time one on one where you could just be intimate/have sex?

I don't know, it's just a thought 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think he is interested in anybody else and there is certainly no other woman or man for that matter. He’s never given me reason to believe that . He’s not hugely sexual in comparison to other partners but then again they were very sexual
And deviant in many cases

Get some counselling, don’t wait around for this guy and don’t date for a while. I’m very much not a joined at the hip type of person but this sounds bad for you as an individual.

Ok thanks. Many posters have suggested counselling which has really upset me but if many people think I need it from being totally honest on this post, which I have been , there must be a truth in it

To be honest I suggest everyone gets counselling. It's a great way to talk about how you feel about yourself and how that has come about due to people or events. Councillors ask the right probing questions that can help you learn alot about yourself l, why you are drawn to certain people or situations.

It's not all about blame but understanding

Oh dear OP, that was some sad reading. This guy has got you like a puppet in a string. You are just hanging around waiting for him to pick you up again.
Do you have any friends or family that you spend time with? It sounds as though you've made him the centre of your universe and he sees you as an orbiting dwarf planet.
In the kindest way possible you come across as very desperate to be in a relationship, to be loved, to have attention whilst constantly forgoing your needs to keep him happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting those things but you aren't going to get them from this guy.
I agree with PPs that therapy will be very helpful for you. You need to get to the bottom of why your bar is so low that you allow yourself to be treated this way. I've been there and recently realised that it was because I was brought up being told that no one would ever want me so when anyone showed an interest I was grateful and eager to please aka a doormat. My bar is really high now and I wouldn't tolerate the kind of crap he's dishing out to you. Being single for a year has taught me how much better it is to be on my own rather than putting up with a shit relationship for the sake of being in one. I am so much happier now and feel no need for a relationship at all. I'm content for the first time in my life and I'm 42.

Don't settle for this shit. Get rid of him and find your happy you without him dragging you down.

I sincerely doubt that the good times you have with him outweigh all this angst and anxiety and constant worrying about things. You are walking on eggshells to please him. That's never right. So many red flags here.

Have a good think OP

Re read your posts

he doesn’t like people .. me.. commenting on his posts or tagging him. My problem is that this isn’t across the board. He has no issue replying to tagged posts from all his friends and family but with me , he says he just is not into that . That upsets me . It’s like he is trying to hide me but then I’ve met all his family and most of his friends . Although there have been many couples nights out of his friends and their partners / wives/ girlfriends , that I have not been invited to either . They are all in established relationships though. He seems to be drip feeding me into his friendship groups individually for some reason

This just isn’t normal he is keeping you separate / at a distance so when he finds someone permanent (who he wants to be serious with) he can cut you loose with minimum fuss... you won’t be “part of the group” ever. This isn’t to do with you, it’s him.
Also scheduling time spent to the hour is totally weird too.

The counselling suggestion wasn’t meant to upset you, it just sounds like bad relationships mean you have a skewed perception of what a good relationship is.

Thanks for your considered replies . I have family and friends but they are all busy with their partners and families . I prefer to spend my time with him . I do have a hobby but that is just once a week so I find myself available .i am ready to settle and have a family and because of his age I had hoped that he was too. He is skirting around the idea of a holiday together but has nothing booked or won’t book when I suggest it .as I said he has booked with his family and friends two separate holidays .he is non commital about many things . When we spend time together during the week it is with his tenants and we watch a film and go to bed . He sometimes spends time on his phone messaging or browsing social media . This is new. He used never use his phone when he was with me . Perhaps I’m overthinking the social media issue I have . What sickens me is that he absolutely adores his friends and family, male and female , and talks about them gushingly all the time . I don’t get the impression that he gushed like that about me. He rarely lights up or gets excited around me the way he does with the others , even though he is attentive and kind and warm to me .

So what are you going to do OP? Put up with being treated like shit or realise your self worth?

He sounds dull as dishwater.

I agree with pp, you are not his Miss Right, just his Miss Right now. He likes you and you suit his needs but you are not part of his long term plan imo. Your relationship is all about what he wants, what about what you want. In your shoes I would talk to him, tell him what you want from a relationship, if he is unwilling or unable to be what you want/need, I really think you need to walk away. You don't have to regret the time you spent with him, it has given you the opportunity to spend time with a 'nice' (non-abusive) man, figuring out just what you really need, which tbf probably isn't him.

The first thing I’m going to do is to get counselling . How can I be a mug and not know I’m a mug . Everybody here has shown me that I really am and the responses were overwhelmingly similar . How will I meet someone special now . I’ve had a series of awful relationships through my life

I suspect that his family have asked him on many occasions "when are you bringing a girl home?" and your situation is really him making them happy rather than making himself happy.
I had a similar relationship and I suspect now that was just him trying to fulfil where he thought he should be at that age rather that it being something he WANTED - he really actually didn't care one way or the other about it all.

It sounds like you've fallen into the trap of asking for less and less in an effort to be more likeable and valued, when really what we all should be doing is asking for more. If he's getting all his needs met by you "for free" then why would he value you? Why should he try and meet any at all when just not is also working for him?

Some people can be wonderful when you are with them, but ignore you completely when you are away. They are very compartmentalised like that. The fact that he has so many priorities that come before seeing you should ring alarm bells.

Instead of focusing on the next guy, I suggest you take a step back and do a little bit of work on your confidence and self-esteem. When you are in a better place, the relationship will just come. I'm sorry you've had such a bad time in your life, you don't deserve it.

That is exactly what he is... compartmentalised . He can do this no problem with every area of his life. It’s like all the different aspects of his life are put into boxes that he can control and engage in separately .i am one part of his life that does not really intertwine with other areas. As for his family. Interestingly he told me that his family were on at him about meeting a girl and then when he met me, they wanted to meet me very early. He refused outright. I pushed it and pushed it and finally met his family briefly for dinner after six months . He had no real interest in meeting mine but he did around the same time. He told me after spending time with them that they ‘ were mad about me’ . He was thrilled . He certainly was more excited about this than he was about actually
Meeting
Me that day ! It has often been his family or parents inviting me to his house for
Lunch or coffee , rather than him, if that makes sense . This means the world to him A friend of his then said to him that while it’s lovely that his family
Liked me, that wasn’t a very high priority in the greater scheme of things .He told
Me this and was aghast that his friend said this to him as if it was the most important factor in our relationship .You are all helping
Me here. Thank you . It’s like you know him

The problem is that once you're in a relationship, you can't really keep the walls of the compartments so hermetically sealed without also keeping the person at a real distance. His family clearly realise this about him, which is why they pushed to meet you. He probably thinks he's doing quite well because he's let that wall come down, but it sounds as though a lot of the actual impetus for him seeing you is coming from them rather than from him. It's unusual, to say the least, for the parents of a 30-something year old man to be arranging his dates for him. There is clearly something odd going on here, and it could be one of several things. Firstly, it sounds as though they are possibly much more keen on the idea of him being in a relationship than he is keen on the practice himself, which could be for any number of reasons. Secondly, it sounds as though they have become strangely accustomed to picking up tasks that should really be his - such as inviting you over, which might suggest an unusual level of attachment between them. It all sounds very unsatisfactory and odd to be honest.