To think there’s no hope for me

[Netoflies]

Long story shortened . I am in a relationship of a year . He is lovely and we get on very well together . He is generous and funny and kind . I have al lot of issues from my past. He is sensitive and patient when I get anxiety and nervous . However and here is the problem , the relationship is going at a snails pace . So as not to drip feed, il give examples of why I wonder if there’s no hope for us .
I see him only a day or two per week, overnight only once perhaps.
Meeting him is always his call
We have had only a weekend away since we met last year .
He doesn’t have any evidence of me on social media despite being quite active .
His family seem to be involved in a lot of our dates .
He puts his social life in front of our relationship meaning that of a boys night or a game come up, he’ll be gone .
He doesn’t consult with me on his social life or plans really.
He drinks beer. I really don’t but enjoys a drink based social life. My preferences don’t really count.
He goes awol when his college friends and family members come home from overseas . I meet them briefly and then go home . Same situation with his family. Meet them briefly and get brought home .
He does not seem to want to holiday with me . Says he does but no plans . He hasn’t planned holidays with his family and friends for the summer.
I know this may read badly but we have a fantastic time when we actively spend time together . He has his own issues and hang ups and has been straight that he wants to take things easy and slowly . My worry is that it’s too slow for a year on . What are your thoughts please ?

I agree with Megan
You are not a priority for him & he is not that into you
End it & find someone who wants to spend more time with you, holiday with you, have long term plans with you etc

You're wasting your time. You're incompatible with him. Taking it slowly = he's not that into you. YOu sound a lot like a poster with a similar issue a week or so ago, except she was told in no uncertain terms it was a casual, go nowhere relationship but seemed intent on wasting time on it so on some level, she wanted that type of relationship, too, because people do what works for them.

I don’t think there’s enough in this for you. If you carry on it has to be on the basis that things will change.

I have experienced a lot of grief and sadness in my life to now . He is like a life saver

From your last post OP it reads like you are in love with the idea of what this man represents, you want to be love and adored, cherished by someone special and for the grief and sadness of the past to fade. I would guess that you are impressed by the fact he has his life sorted as such (home, car, good job, supportive family and friends) you describe him as interesting while you see yourself as not and that is your problem. You are starting this relationship with him from the starting point that he is "better" than you and that kind of start will never have a successful conclusion.

I too had a bad start in life, lots of neglect and abuse and felt "less than" and in a serious relationship did what you do, put myself last, adored him, let him know how special he was, but in the end as I saw myself as "less than" so did he and treated me as such.

My best advice at this point is to focus on you, what you want in life and set in place plans to get it for you, your own home, new job, studying, travelling, whatever it is, get it for yourself rather than live it adjacent to someone else. That way it is yours, on your terms and nobody can take it away.

I agree with ChuckleBuckles
Totally amazed you are both in your 30s...

For context I met my now DP about 6 weeks after “being hurt” (ie devastated) by a break up. it was a very intense/serious relationship and I was essentially ghosted.
I was very hurt and distrustful and wanted to take things slow but when it’s the right person it doesn’t matter.
Within a year we were living together two years in we are buying a house/ marriage is pending. This is a fairly standard timeline

FWIW

• you sound like you idolise him and put yourself down (ie there is a real or perceived inequality in the relationship)
• You also can’t tell him how you feel (for context if my boyfriend changes plans I can let him know I’m disappointed)
• he gives you time on a Tuesday (this is the shitty social slot you give a first tinder date, no your partner) do you spend most weekends together
• not introducing you to friends after a year is just total bullshit

All are red flags

you are letting this guy treat you like crap because you are happy for crumbs and being allowed to sit in the sunshine of his love for 30 mins per week.

If you want children, leave him because while he allegedly wants kids, he doesn’t want them with you.

Kindly, You also sound like you may need therapy, I have had a pretty rough time of it but the way you describe yourself isn’t normal.

Thanks for those responses . You have got the nail on the head for me chucklebuckles ..I couldn’t put it into words . I feel lesser then him and am grateful for his time and attention . It’s not that I think he is better than I am. He has it all whereas I don’t . The reasons your words resonated with me is because he has often said how he feels cherished and loved and wanted . Somebody once told me that in every relationship , there is the lover and the loved . I must be the lover. The one who puts everything into the relationship at the expense of my actual desires but he still fulfils a need in me to be wanted and treated nicely and listened to sensitively . I feel that I am always pleasing him or trying to say or do the right thing to keep him happy or stroke his ego . I don’t know why I even do this . Isn’t that what relationships are all about ? I feel that if my supply of pleasing him or going with his plans or ideas dried up, he might get bored with me.

I'm going against the grain and saying that he has told you he isn't up for rushing anything, and I don't think a year is that long.
Also, you getting upset about things shouldn't sway him towards doing things he isn't ready for; ergo - he is his own person, with a sound mindset and knows what he wants.

We don’t spend weekends together but we do spend some time together at weekends . Maybe a walk, dinner, film, an afternoon or an evening with an overnight normally. This is if he has no other plans or events. He does take sort seriously so he trains , plays and watches sport a lot and they come first always

This is my problem oldandwornout...he has been honest. He has been straight up front. He didn’t lie or trick me. If anything we see eachother a little more often than we did at the start . His needs are being met in every single way. Mine are not but I felt, until my confusion lately, that I could hang in there . If he wants marriage and family he will have to spend the majority of his time with his partner and children . That may be me .

What are your needs, I suppose is the question you need to focus on?
More than he is willing to give? (For now)

I would
Like to see him a few evenings a week. I’d like to spend my weekends with him with a view to moving in with him soon . I would like a baby very badly .i would like stability and normality and security. I’d like to be his number one . At what stage does a grown man outgrow the constant desire to spend his weekends with his family ?????

I dunno.
You've got me with that one.

I ended a relationship years ago with someone who spent a lot of his time with his family.
He still does, and he's 60 now!

I’m out of the dating game so long I don’t know what’s normal anymore ! My boyfriend as I said owns his own house, yet runs home to his parents every weekend that he isn’t involve in sport or away with friends . He also has friends at home , which is where I live , but it his family that he is home to see. He seems to spend a huge amount of time with his parents and siblings ... eating out, hanging out at home, watching sport , going on holidays , shopping , weekends away together . Is that even normal at his age ? shouldn’t he want to do all of that with me

I'm at a different phase of life, getting to 50, one teenage child and a good job, but I'm in a relationship with a co-worker who I see almost every day, and he still wants to spend time, including weekends with me. I'm the one needing to get used to having someone around.

I don't think couples should be joined at the hip at all, but if you are to develop your relationship to children and marriage, you'd both want to spend lots of time together, even if around family.

I dont think you'll be any happier as a neglected wife/mother than you are as a neglected girlfriend OP. You'll just be his cook/bottlewasher/sexual outlet and it'll feel terrible.

I spend time with his family too. Not much but the small amount of time i spend with him seems to involve his family too. Reading what I’m writing makes it sound strange but he is just joined at the hip with them . For example, some dates include going for dinner with his Parents, others include a quick coffee with his sisters and cousin . Over important days like birthdays and Christmas and Easter, I spent an evening here and there at his house with his family . I doubt myself because I have lived with men since my late teens so am quite detached from my family . While I am detached from my family, he seems overly attached to his and when he does bring me or include me on their gatherings, it’s our date for that week or weekend and it lasts a matter of an evening or a few hours . I feel like I’m going mad from not knowing what’s normal or acceptable . Initially I found it endearing . Now I find it a bit full on and weird

You need to have a conversation with him, see where he is at and what he’s thinking and then you can go from there. You don’t want to be stuck in a dead end relationship but he can’t mind read, get all the facts and his thoughts lay all your cards on the table then make a decision.

Oh and his parents and family really like me he said, so this has made him really happy . Still doesn’t increase the contact or the commitment though ?

He knows deep down I want more . He knows how much I want to see him. He knows I love him and am besotted .he comes up with excuses when I suggest meeting
More often. I think he feels I’m
Too full on and needy . He knows I want to feature on his social media and be involved in his life more but there’s always an excuse .. too tired, too busy, training, family occasions, matches etc etc

Hmm, that is unusual that he seems not to be bothered about seeing you alone much.

What's the sex like out of interest? Do you feel like you might be a beard?

What??

GOsh thank you all so much for taking the time to help me get through this maze. I feel better for being able to get it all out and read your opinions . They are all helping me very much . Thanks

Were you asking about this?
Do you feel like you might be a beard?
That means that he might be gay and keep you as a girlfriend to keep appearances.

A beard!!! I hope not. The thought never crossed my mind . Why???

OP honestly this chap seems very enmeshed with his family, I mean your date night featuring his great aunt Phyllis is not exactly romantic, is it? By having those kinds of dates it is almost like he has a buffer in place so you are never really alone and therefore the risk of having to increase emotional closeness is avoided.

He is using sports, training, family commitments to ensure you are never really a priority and it must feel like shit to be the one always last in the pecking order, so then you start trying harder, doing more stuff in an attempt to please him, acquiescing to what he needs/wants and still you are rejected. Because the problem is not what you are doing/not doing, it is just as nice as this chap is you are not right for each other, you just need different things.