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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that "I have stressful job" is not an excuse to do nothing all weekend?

66 replies

NotOnTheBench · 28/04/2019 20:48

Just that. I have had a couple of days recovering from sciatica attack (for want of a better term) when I could hardly stand /walk for pain. DH doesn't help out in any way, other than complain he's not getting any attention, or that dinner isn't ready.

Now I feel better, but DH still thinks it's OK to sleep until 12, get showered at 3pm and spend the whole day watching his ebay advert (yes really). When I ask him to do something like mow the lawn, he'll shout orders to our sons, rather than do it himself.

I got so fed up waiting for him to shower this afternoon that I went out + mowed the lawn myself.

He then huffed a bit + went off to load the car + go to the dump (just before it closed) but under duress.

His excuse is that he works really hard and needs the downtime. I work ft + study outside work; 2 son's are ft students + 1 works ft. He's effectively saying that cos I don't earn as much, I get to do all the weekend chores. I thought stuff like gardening came with being a house owner, so why do I do it all? I also do all the housework (less now I'm working, but DSs will help when asked, but DH wont.)

Is he being 1950s?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2019 20:50

Is he being 1950s?

If it was the 1950s, you'd be Valiumed up at home, shagging the pool boy and, crucially, not working. He wants a 2019 woman at work and a 1950s one at home.

I wouldn't do anything for him. No cooking, clothes washing, nothing.

jenn88 · 28/04/2019 21:06

OP this post is like a little window into my life and I'm sure a million other ladies!!!!
I was unwell yesterday, admittedly I had a bit too much to drink Friday night, but I think I was hungover and had a dodgy tum! Anyway, I struggled to get out of bed and did a few jobs before I had to hang over to loo and then retire to my bed!!
OH was thrilled, he parked his arse on the sofa and didn't move an inch!!!
It's left me still feeling crap today hence my thinking I actually had a tummy bug rushing round with a broom up my arse trying to get everything done as it's back to work in the morning!!
Guess where OH was....... on the sofa!!

Original poster

NotOnTheBench · 28/04/2019 22:07

Jen88 I get that too. Whenever I'm unwell he's either sicker than me, or just does nothing at all.

I had a general anaesthetic 2 weeks ago and couldn't just sleep it off at home as he was asleep next to me, snoring his head off. WFH my ar@e

OP posts:

cunningartificer · 28/04/2019 22:29

Lord above. Why spend your weekend working if you need a rest? The gardening won’t go away if you leave it and get a break. Don’t resent your DP for not taking on weekend tasks, leave them undone and let him see the consequences. Lawn unmown—probably not a great disaster; food uncooked—might realise he needs to contribute.

Original poster

NotOnTheBench · 28/04/2019 22:40

cunningartificer: every weekend?

OP posts:

Iltavilli · 28/04/2019 22:50

To be fair I need at least one day of doing absolutely nothing (bar reading the internet / watching nonsense) each and every weekend. It isn’t about salary it’s the intensity of the job, and some people need more down time.

riverislands · 28/04/2019 22:51

There have to be consequences for him personally. He won't give a fig for unmowed lawns, but OP will.

Ohyesiam · 28/04/2019 22:55

Can’t you get some help today n the garden and have a rest?

LizzieSiddal · 28/04/2019 22:57

Why would you put up with this crap? You both work full time yet because you earn less money, you have to make that up by working more hours gardening and do all the housework?

Seriously, he and any other partner who behaves like that is taking the piss.

Tell him he either does his fair share or you will be going on strike.

Stop doing the garden
Stop cleaning
Stop doing his laundry
Stop cooking his food
Stop shopping for his food

Sofagirl · 28/04/2019 23:07

Sounds like a lazy f to be honest

Likethebattle · 29/04/2019 07:40

I agree with going on strike. DH does the hoovering but what pisses me off if i’m cleaning is he’ll run and get the hoover as it's a nice clean and fairly easy task. So i’m claiming surfaces and dusting and cleaning the oven and bathrooms. He’s done the bathroom once after I threw a fit. He did a great job but he used a full pack of bathroom wipes to do it. I have them and know they are bad for the environment but a packet lasts me about 3 months. He does cut the grass, sort the dishwasher, hand up washing and do the bin so he does pitch in. He will also do stuff If I ask. I would go on strike and see how the lazy fucker copes with no clean clothes!

PurplePiePete · 29/04/2019 07:46

What’s the stressful job? There are a number of situations in which I would actually consider his behaviour reasonable but in most of them he’s be able to pay for someone to do the lawn etc. If he’s an emergency services worker qho’s been on shits and seen some hideous action or otherwise a v physical worker like a dry stone waller in a deadline, then just maybe he’s absolutely reasonable.

PurplePiePete · 29/04/2019 07:47

*shifts (though emergency worker with the shits would also be q stressful)

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/04/2019 07:54

He’s a lazy person. That’s it. You married a lazy person. Some people look forward to the weekends to catch up with all their DIY and house jobs, Their look forward to sitting on their ass doing as little as possible. Your DH is the latter. I’ll bet this is how he has always been.

You’re options are to accept it and carry on or don’t and stop doing everything for him. Certainly do not feed him or give him attention. I would opt out of doing the grocery shopping this week and when he complains there is no food you can tell him you have a stressful job and can’t be expected to do anything at home.

PregnantSea · 29/04/2019 07:55

As a PP has said, if he was "1950s" he'd be asking you to quit your job and stay home to keep the house. He wouldn't be expecting you to do both.

He's just being a cheeky fucker. Don't put up with it OP. My DH has an extremely stressful job working long hours doing shifts, plus he has to take work home with him. It's not uncommon for him to work 15 days in a row. If he has a day off then he'll relax, sure, but he won't be useless. He wouldn't complain about mowing the lawn or he'd usually make dinner or something.

returnofthecat · 29/04/2019 07:58

It is and it isn't.

If you have a stressful job, sometimes you need a few days doing nothing. However, if you need every weekend doing nothing and you have family responsibilities... it doesn't work in the long-term.

Either he needs to look into how he can better manage the stress, or he needs a different job. The way he's dealing with his job at present isn't compatible with family life.

ShannonRockallMalin · 29/04/2019 08:00

My DH is very much like this, although he doesn't so much get annoyed about being asked to do things as just completely zone out and not notice anything going on around him.

This is where I find the advice to 'go on strike' doesn't really work. DH genuinely would not notice if the grass wasn't cut, or the laundry not done, or the house not clean. Tea time could come and go and he'd still be in his own little world while everyone else went hungry. It doesn't bother him, so by default it becomes my responsibility because it does bother me. I've never really worked out how to deal with this other than just keep plodding on myself.

KneelJustKneel · 29/04/2019 08:01

I dont have a stressful job and I need time to rest at the weekend. We usually let the kids have a pyjama morning either sat or sunday so we can lie in bed and read/sleep.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 29/04/2019 08:06

I wouldn't live with someone like this. I'd rather live with my kids in a bedsit than with some lazy twat like this. Sure as fuck would respond to his moans about dinner that he can get it himself.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 29/04/2019 08:06

You’re options are to accept it and carry on or don’t and stop doing everything for him

Yes, this! It's not just that he wants downtime at the weekend, you've said you do the housework with some help from ds but DH doesn't do any. So this isn't a how do you spend your weekend issue it's yet another the male partner expects his wife to keep his home comfortable while he does fuck all issue.

Put your foot down and tell him you're not having it anymore and he needs to pull his weight. If his response is that he earns more so you're expected to "make up" your lower earnings by doing the house stuff then that tells you a lot about your husband. Your call as to what you do from there!

category12 · 29/04/2019 08:08

Why do you do it all? Why do you put up with it?

TixieLix · 29/04/2019 08:11

Yep, I have one of these. If I ask him to do something in the house, he tries to offload the task on to my DDs (18 and 20) rather than do it himself. He can usually be found on the sofa watching tv or asleep.

Yesterday, having walked the dog and been to the dump with rubbish (took an hour due to queues but that's another story!) I came home and started on the housework. (He meanwhile had been golf for several hours) I'd already cleaned upstairs bathroom and was down in the kitchen washing the surfaces when he popped his head in to ask if I'd mopped the floors yet. I told him to fuck off and mop them himself and not treat me like the bloody skivvy!!! I stopped doing his ironing a long time ago and deciding what other chores to withdraw doing. Generally he will mow the lawn once a week and he's constantly washing the family cars. In fact he's obsessed with them being clean. I just wish he was as obsessed about keeping the inside of the house clean and tidy.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/04/2019 08:13

DH genuinely would not notice if the grass wasn't cut, or the laundry not done, or the house not clean. Tea time could come and go and he'd still be in his own little world while everyone else went hungry. It doesn't bother him

That’s not true though. He would notice eventually. When he had no clean trousers for work, hadn’t eaten for 3 days etc. You can still feed the children and yourself, wash clothes for the children and yourself. The grass isn’t essential. He’ll notice if eventually. Leave it for him go notice.

WhoisU · 29/04/2019 08:13

It's not fair on either of you to have a lot to do at the weekend. Get a gardener if you can afford it. Cook together with a glass of wine. Try and make things easier where you can.

However his attitude that it's because he earns more I think is appalling.

WhoisU · 29/04/2019 08:14

Wait do you do EVERYTHING OP? Because that really is not on!

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