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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that "I have stressful job" is not an excuse to do nothing all weekend?

66 replies

NotOnTheBench · 28/04/2019 20:48

Just that. I have had a couple of days recovering from sciatica attack (for want of a better term) when I could hardly stand /walk for pain. DH doesn't help out in any way, other than complain he's not getting any attention, or that dinner isn't ready.

Now I feel better, but DH still thinks it's OK to sleep until 12, get showered at 3pm and spend the whole day watching his ebay advert (yes really). When I ask him to do something like mow the lawn, he'll shout orders to our sons, rather than do it himself.

I got so fed up waiting for him to shower this afternoon that I went out + mowed the lawn myself.

He then huffed a bit + went off to load the car + go to the dump (just before it closed) but under duress.

His excuse is that he works really hard and needs the downtime. I work ft + study outside work; 2 son's are ft students + 1 works ft. He's effectively saying that cos I don't earn as much, I get to do all the weekend chores. I thought stuff like gardening came with being a house owner, so why do I do it all? I also do all the housework (less now I'm working, but DSs will help when asked, but DH wont.)

Is he being 1950s?

OP posts:

kateandme · 29/04/2019 08:17

do other feel your pain.yes.will he or theirs change.nope.will you go on strike.no.will you continue to clean and feed becasue you want to and need to and are good enough to yes.
will you want to weep and scream at many more occassions YES!

Iamheretoday · 29/04/2019 08:17

I have the same problem. We have so many arguments about it; I end up losing my temper and shouting, and he then says 'You are acting like this over a dirty cup left out?' , which of course I am not- it is the fact I do absolutely everything in the house (and mostly garden- he only mows the lawn if I say it needs doing about 8 times and then he has to sit down half way through and have a cup of tea,it takes ages- all the while, traipsing grass back and forth in the house).
I actually don't know how to make it better. He literally doesn't mind sitting in a dirty house, where as it makes me anxious and stressed. Although as I said to him, it probably makes me anxious as I can see all the house jobs mounting and know I have them all to do!... if I knew he was going to do some of them, it wouldn't stress me as much.

PickAChew · 29/04/2019 08:17

You have more than one pain in the arse, unfortunately.

Agree about doing nothing for him that doesn't directly benefit you. And make long term plans for your life that don't have this selfish, entitled wanker in it.

JaneJeffer · 29/04/2019 08:25

He sounds like one of those people you have to tell "we'll have dinner after you've done the lawn". Don't ask him to do it, just make it a given that he's doing it.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/04/2019 08:27

He's worse than a typical 1950s bloke as they didn't expect their wives to work.

Yanbu unless he works a 70 hour week and you do 35 in which case yeah I'd expect hed be knackered and physically need to recover.

If you both work similar hours then you either quit your job, outsource all the housework or he does 50 50. Truly 50 50 where you both just hit the jobs til they're done then have equal leisure time

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 29/04/2019 08:29

Illtavilli, do you have children at home?

My dh's job is genuinely stressful (not emergency services but not far off the intensity and nature) and he wouldn't dream of acting like this. Tbh he pulls more than his weight.

'Agree about doing nothing for him that doesn't directly benefit you. And make long term plans for your life that don't have this selfish, entitled wanker in it'

This.

ShannonRockallMalin · 29/04/2019 08:34

I think for me and perhaps some of the other posters here, a lot of this is down to different standards. My DH actually wouldn't care if he was walking on crumbs on the kitchen floor, or if the beds weren't made or the bathrooms cleaned. He could live in a shit tip whereas I couldn't, so he sees it as me doing everything because I want to, not because it strictly needs doing. So in his eyes, housework has become a sort of 'hobby' for me, that I do while he's relaxing doing his hobbies.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/04/2019 08:37

My DH actually wouldn't care if he was walking on crumbs on the kitchen floor, or if the beds weren't made or the bathrooms cleaned.

Because he doesn’t have to care. Was He a pig when you met him?

He could live in a shit tip

How attractive.

ArabellaPilkington · 29/04/2019 08:39

Some men are just fucking oblivious. DH isn't lazy, he works hard all week and then spends the entire weekend on his DIY projects (this time of year in the garden).

Everyone thinks he's a wonder and how lucky I am. I've just had major surgery and can't be left alone or to look after DC, and can't do anything much at all for a good few weeks. My 82 year old DM was here during the week helping but was sent home at the weekend as I thought DH could cope.

He spent the entire weekend doing his DIY, apart from doing two washing loads which he made a massive fuss about, left all the sorting for me (which utterly wiped me out) and all the ironing for my elderly mother this week. He got a takeaway on Saturday that we also ate Sunday, and I actually cried when he sat down on the sofa next to me with breakfast he'd made for himself without even offering me anything. He said "you should've said you wanted something, I'll get you something once I've eaten this". Which he did, and thought he deserved a medal for.

It's just a different, very selfish mindset. I've had years of anticipating the DCs needs so I get it; he doesn't and never will.

LannieDuck · 29/04/2019 08:46

You both work FT, so all chores should be split 50:50 (tbh, if you're studying PT as well, his should be >50%, but you're starting from a very low bar..).

Make a list of everything that needs doing. Ask him which half he's going to do. See if you can allocate him the tasks that he's going to care about not being done (e.g. shopping / cooking). You take the others that he won't bother with (e.g. mowing the lawn).

Then those 50% of tasks are his to own. You don't get involved. If he takes on the cooking task, all meals are his to shop for and prepare. Don't lose your rag if he doesn't step up immediately - you might have to eat take-away for a week, but eventually he'll realise you aren't just going to do it for him. The loo roll might run out - don't rush off to the shops; he'll have to do it on his way back from work. Essentially you need to let him fail and not step in. Which is why the task needs to be something he'll care about.

LannieDuck · 29/04/2019 08:47

Also, when you've done your half, sit down with your feet up. Doesn't matter if dinner isn't ready - that's his to do. He can complain as much as he likes, but you're entitled to a rest at weekends too.

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 08:49

Arabella
You’ve just had major surgery and he not only didn’t offer you breakfast, he sat down to eat his next to you and kept eating after you asked him to get you some? That is fucking outrageous. How can you love a man who does that?

cestlavielife · 29/04/2019 08:54

Why did you now the lawn?

Surely it could wait ?

Change ypur behaviour ....don't give in

CylindraceousNicholas · 29/04/2019 09:08

I actually don't know how to make it better. He literally doesn't mind sitting in a dirty house, where as it makes me anxious and stressed. Although as I said to him, it probably makes me anxious as I can see all the house jobs mounting and know I have them all to do!... if I knew he was going to do some of them, it wouldn't stress me as much.

What does he say when you explain how his lack of activity makes you feel?

Purplecatshopaholic · 29/04/2019 09:09

My Ex used to leave all household as long as possible in the hope I would crack and just do them - which generally I did as I cant stand mess. Since binning him the house stays tidy and I love it! Lol

CylindraceousNicholas · 29/04/2019 09:12

We have so many arguments about it; I end up losing my temper and shouting, and he then says 'You are acting like this over a dirty cup left out?'

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

category12 · 29/04/2019 09:14

This is partly why being single has been a big improvement for me - at least there's a reason all the chores fall to me, and there's no other full grown adult sitting on their arse disappointing me and making me resent them by "not getting round to it" or "not seeing it" or just being a chauvinist prick.

And my ex wasn't half as bad around the house as some of the blokes described here.

IloveJudgeJudy · 29/04/2019 09:15

@Iamheretoday
I'm not sure how to attach stuff on the app, but please take a read of the article from which I've attached a photo. It's food for thought for your situation.

To think that "I have stressful job" is not an excuse to do nothing all weekend?

Meandwinealone · 29/04/2019 09:15

@ArabellaPilkington
You do realise how shocking that sounds. You’re ill
Basic human kindness would make sure someone would take care of you.
Why did you even attempt to sort the washing

You know he doesn’t really think there is anything wrong with you

Iamheretoday · 29/04/2019 09:26

CylindraceousNicholas he basically says that I do too much unnecessary stuff. So I reply 'so cooking a meal is unnecessary? Washing up after it so we have clean dishes for the next meal? Cleaning clothes so we have things to wear and don't smell?Cutting the grass occasionally so our toddler can play out? Vacuuming so toddler can play on the floor with his toys?'

Then he will say I am always having a go at him. I wouldn't have to 'have a go at you' if you just pulled your weight!
It goes round in circles and is depressing.
I have said I am not his mother (she doesn't help seen as she says how marvellous he is as he made me a cup of tea in front of her once; 'isn't he good?' she said), that I don't love him unconditionally and I want and need to respect him as a partner, not think of him as another child who needs assigning tasks and nagged at to do them!

Iamheretoday · 29/04/2019 09:26

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to make it about me! It hit a nerve!

SlothMama · 29/04/2019 09:52

I'd stop doing anything for him, make him get off his arse instead.

CylindraceousNicholas · 29/04/2019 09:56

then he will say I am always having a go at him. I wouldn't have to 'have a go at you' if you just pulled your weight.

Yes, mine has done that before. I don't understand how they can genuinely be that thick - you won't get moaned at if you do it the first time!

Yabbers · 29/04/2019 10:03

He’s not being 1950s he is being a twat. And given you have 3 grown children, I’m wondering why it’s coming as a surprise to you and why you put up with it for so long?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/04/2019 10:08

Genuine question for women in this situation. (And i know this sounds goady but I’m always interested when I see these threads so no goading intended) was there no sign at all that these men were lazy selfish gits before you moved in/married/had DC with him?

From personal experience the signs were there with my exp, not specifically with him because he lived with his parents but I witnessed how epically lazy his father was and how put upon his mother was (but she did it all with a smile) and it niggled and niggled at me that exp would be the same when we lived together. And he was. I kicked myself for not listening to that inner voice. I’ve also since spent a lot of time reading the relationship board on MN and lots of the signs seem very obvious to me but Yet women still choose these men time and time again and the story repeats.

Did you have doubts and ignore them because you wanted the happy ever after?

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