To think that "I have stressful job" is not an excuse to do nothing all weekend?

[NotOnTheBench]

Just that. I have had a couple of days recovering from sciatica attack (for want of a better term) when I could hardly stand /walk for pain. DH doesn't help out in any way, other than complain he's not getting any attention, or that dinner isn't ready.

Now I feel better, but DH still thinks it's OK to sleep until 12, get showered at 3pm and spend the whole day watching his ebay advert (yes really). When I ask him to do something like mow the lawn, he'll shout orders to our sons, rather than do it himself.

I got so fed up waiting for him to shower this afternoon that I went out + mowed the lawn myself.

He then huffed a bit + went off to load the car + go to the dump (just before it closed) but under duress.

His excuse is that he works really hard and needs the downtime. I work ft + study outside work; 2 son's are ft students + 1 works ft. He's effectively saying that cos I don't earn as much, I get to do all the weekend chores. I thought stuff like gardening came with being a house owner, so why do I do it all? I also do all the housework (less now I'm working, but DSs will help when asked, but DH wont.)

Is he being 1950s?

Typical bloke in my experience.
My last husband was about as lazy and uncaring as it gets.
I am partially disabled and had to go round with the mower every weekend which wiped me out, work full time and do everything in the house.
I refused to cook for him at all because I hate cooking and that was grounds for divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour apparently. I didn't contest it - good riddance.

It’s not typical bloke at all!

I think that’s half the problem- people saying this is normal for men so it’s all you can expect so don’t set your standards any higher. It’s bollocks. And insulting the great many normal men who know how to wash a mug.

Can you not just tell all these men to go to fuck? What is the point of being with them? Life is so much better when you're on your own!

Have to agree with that miraculous! perhaps I just have a very low threshold for shit.

The thing is for a lot of women it genuinely is normal in the sense that it's what they've witnessed growing up. and in their wider family/friendships groups. That really is their/our normal which of course is reinforced by all the messages society gives us about what it is to be a good wife and mother. Add in maternity leave, time at home while dc are young...

Unfortunately, a lot of women find themselves some years into these relationships and behaviours before they stand back and say "hang on a minute, this is really unfair" but at that stage it's very difficult to force a change and they may not be willing or able to make such a big change as ending the relationship.

I was lucky in that in my pre DH relationship I did stand back before it got to the marriage and children stage. I suddenly caught a glimpse of a future I knew I didn't want and ended it but not everyone gets that moment of stunning clarity in time. For me it meant that when I met now DH I was much clearer in my own mind what I wanted from a relationship, felt much less inclined to "compromise" and felt able and entitled to discuss expectations in advance but I can see how a lot of women walk into this "eyes wide shut".

I think @ImNotHappyaboutitPauline is right. For me, I grew up in a house where my mum both had a job and did everything around the house, and my dad had a very physical job which he did and then came home and watched TV. That was my normal.

DH and I met as students, both living in shared student houses which are not known for their cleanliness. When we graduated we moved into a tiny flat which needed minimal housework, so it wasn't really an issue that I did most of it. When we got married we bought a house which needed a lot of work, and we really did work on it together. Then DSs came along, I was at home all the time and I suppose everything falling to me just became the norm.

I think this must be the case for a lot of people. You don't tend to meet someone and say, right I'm not even going to consider a relationship unless you're going to pull your weight round the house. Circumstances change and these things creep up on you.

Both me and DH have stressful, full on jobs but he earns twice as much as I do. We both make sure we get down time and both contribute to the running of the house and childcare. Salary doesn't come in to it.

Your DH is a twat.

I can see that, but if your husband/partner is a generally good sort they would notice that their wife isn’t happy with the division of house labour and want to do their share. And even if they didn’t see it, when it is pointed out to them surely they would say “oh shit, I have been slacking here” and they would step up. On these threads that doesn’t happen, they always put it back on the wife and accuse her of nagging, or do half assed jobs meaning she has to go over it again. Or they just completely ignore her.

It's one of the reasons I think both parents taking (well, being able to take) maternity/paternity leave as they do in some countries is a really good idea. Both having the experience of being a SAHP to a young child would shake things up and force a cultural, societal change.

Omg I HATE people who control other people's weekends! I am so glad my DH doesn't do this. I work bloody hard all week and I will spend my weekend doing what I want and if that's not a lot, which it often is, then so what. I deserve it and it's important to get downtime.

Omg I HATE people who control other people's weekends! I am so glad my DH doesn't do this. I work bloody hard all week and I will spend my weekend doing what I want and if that's not a lot, which it often is, then so what. I deserve it and it's important to get downtime

Do you expect your DH to do ALL the housework while you relax?

roses while you’re doing nothing, is your partner wiping your shit stains off the loo, washing your clothes, cooking your meals and caring for your children?

I was with my ex partner for years. He was tidy, did loads of housework, gardening etc. But he wasn't a nice person and I didn't love him. After we split, I spent a few years on my own (with 1dc) and loved it. I worked, had money, nice tidy house etc.
Then I met my DP. Yes, to a PP who asked, he did give me clues that he was bad round the house. But as there was only him living at his house, and he was at work all day, it didn't seem so messy. But at the end of the day, I love him. I love the dad he is, he is a kind person (to people and animals etc), he will go out of his way for people etc. He works full time and is supporting me while I study.
He just has this massive blind spot when it comes to housework. His dad does stuff round the house (his mum does very little) so I don't think it is a sexist thing. Just lazy and he thinks I am OTT with it.

"DH genuinely would not notice if the grass wasn't cut, or the laundry not done, or the house not clean. Tea time could come and go and he'd still be in his own little world while everyone else went hungry. It doesn't bother him"

yup - 3 years of me working f-t and he's just beginning to realise that the house is untidy but only because he's sold the rowing machine [hallelujah!] and a stranger is coming round to fetch it. He does now iron his own shirts, but leaves them all over the kitchen and bedroom, so that he doesn't have to actually put the fuckers away after they have been washed. I put them all in a pile on his side of the bed as I'm sick of falling over them, but he then complains he can't tell which is clean and which is the stuff he dumped on the floor the night before.

I can't win. When I had BC 15 years ago, my GFs stepped up to the mark and he worked from home, but that didn't include anything housework related. As a result, I spent months after my recovery tidying up and filled 6 sacks of garden waste which had accumulated after he let the garden go to ruin. One day he will really appreciate what i do and what it's taking out of me.

People like that should stay single so they'd have fuck all to do for or with anyone else. Id love to sit on my arse all weekend. However I have a family so although I will laze for a full day, I can't on both weekend days. That's life. Nobody on this earth could get me to do all the domestics in relationship so they could sit around. Lazy is spectacularly un-sexy. Hope you can address it with him OP.
Doesn't sound like you can put up with years of this.