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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Contacting Half Siblings

67 replies

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 20:08

A bit of a back story...

I am adopted. I made Contact with my birth mother she wanted nothing to do with me. However, I know I have two (half)) siblings. I am agonising over whether to contact them. Please, what would you do?

OP posts:
MRex · 28/04/2019 20:34

It depends on how old they are (adults yes, children no), whether they're already aware of you (yes = yes, no = maybe) and why your mother said she didn't want to have contact with you (if you know).

We have a cousin who was adopted and his siblings wanted to meet him occasionally while his mother didn't, but I think he sees them at most once or twice a year. He sees a lot more of us, his adopted family, so I'm glad he doesn't depend on them, but I think he finds it hurtful. Please try not to get your hopes up for much of a relationship with them; if it happens then great but don't dream of what might never be. Do you have any good friends or a partner supporting you as I imagine this is very tough for you emotionally?

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 20:39

They are in Their late 20s and early 30s.

I imagine my mother doesn’t want contact because she would have to explain to people who I am.

OP posts:
Lovebeingmama · 28/04/2019 20:44

I agree with PP. I think you have every right to contact adult half siblings. It could go either way, so I’d hope for the good but prepare myself for the worst.
It may well be that the family does not know about you, so your birth mother is trying to go ‘no contact’ in the hope of them staying in the dark.
I think your need to be acknowledged trumps her need to (potentially) cover this up. Good luck x

MRex · 28/04/2019 20:48

Then yes, go for it. They're your siblings, so you have a right to at least let them know of your existence. I hope they are kind to you X

slipperywhensparticus · 28/04/2019 20:51

Do they know about you?

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 20:53

Thank you. I need to know I am not being selfish.

OP posts:
DebDebster · 28/04/2019 20:54

No they don’t.

OP posts:
DebDebster · 28/04/2019 20:54

Thank you.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/04/2019 20:57

I would because they are adults however I would tread carefully because they don't know and it's going to be a shock.

Just be prepared - they may want to have something to do with you and they may not. If your birth mother gets involved they may not speak to you.

There's plenty of possibilities. I'd do it, take it slowly and look after yourself, this must be really tough on you.

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 21:00

I am in a quandary. I don’t want to upset anybody but I also want to have contact with my siblings if at all possible.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/04/2019 21:02

@DebDebster the way I see it personally is you've got nothing to lose.

Your birth mother doesn't want contact so you can't lose her if she doesn't want you to contact you.

You've got everything to gain. If they don't want anything to do with you, you've not lost anything however if they do, you've got some half siblings.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/04/2019 21:03

Sorry I meant 'doesn't want you to contact them'.

Go for it op. Let them get over the shock and see what comes from it.

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 21:05

But in making contact I am telling them Something about their mother which will upset them.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 28/04/2019 21:06

Were they also adopted or did they live with your birth mum?
If adopted I would go for it as they probably know of you and won't have the loyalty to BM.
If they were raised with her I would tred more carefully. They may not want to upset your birth mum and so could reject you or not even be aware of you.

Dippypippy1980 · 28/04/2019 21:15

I would get some advice fro. An adoption counselling service PAC for example.

Even just a phone call to talk through how to go about this.

I don’t think you are being selfish at all, and the urge to connect with your siblings is totally natural. This could be difficult for everyone, and it might not work out. But talking though all the possible outcomes and how you would cope with them would be a great help.

Good luck

NoCauseRebel · 28/04/2019 21:16

You need to ask yourself what you want to gain from this. In truth they’re not going to be siblings in the true sense of the word. They’re siblings by birth only, but you don’t have a sibling relationship, iyswim.

My DP has a sister who was adopted at birth. Slightly different situation but she and all the other children were removed because of abuse. The other children were abused and raised in foster care whereas she was actually removed and placed for adoption at birth. Fast forward to when the DC were older, and they regained contact with each other with the exception of one who wants nothing to do with them. However, they also had some contact with the sibling who had been adopted, and DP’s brother especially was very drawn to this sibling relationship. In truth they fell out and were actually completely NC for around the last six or seven years, but apparently had a bit of contact in the past couple of months. And then she died very suddenly, and the brother has re-written the relationship as one of siblings who were incredibly close, who would be spending all their time together, going on holidays, how he was uncle to her children and so on and so forth. But the truth is far, far removed from that, and as a result it has almost broken him.

Bear in mind that you have grown up in a different environment, and they are unaware of your existence even. Finding out that you exist and then finding out that their mother wants nothing to do with you is going to potentially re-frame the thoughts and feelings they have around their own upbringing and their mother, and there is no knowing that they will even want to know, or that they’ll even believe you are who you say you are let alone want to have any kind of relationship with you, especially if this compromises the relationship they have with their mum.

I sympathise entirely with your wish to want to get to know them, but sadly these kinds of situations almost never turn out the way we hope they will.

Pomo81 · 28/04/2019 21:18

Don't do it. Unless you know you weren't a product of an incident your birth mother was a victim of/other traumatic event that she had the right not to have dragged up

Your want to contact them doesn't trump their right to not have their life as they know it blown apart

*speaking from experience so sorry if I sound harsh

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 21:21

I do understand the chances are they may not want contact with me. I went through exactly that with my birth mother.

OP posts:
DebDebster · 28/04/2019 21:23

Not harsh. Realistic.

However I know the circumstances of my conception and birth.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 28/04/2019 21:23

I would say go for it but only if you can cope if they reject you as well.

Yes be aware it will be a shock give them space to deal with that if they want to.

Day2andCounting · 28/04/2019 21:32

I don't have any advice but am in a similar situation. I have a half-sister from my dad's second marriage who has no idea that I or my brother even exist.

I always said I'd tell her when she was old enough but now that she is (18 2 weeks ago) I have no idea how I'd tell her or if I should.

Newtothis2017 · 28/04/2019 21:35

I say go for it. I have contact with 2 of my half siblings. There are 9 in total. I have developed a really great friendship with the 2 of them and I am so glad I did. I dont have contact with birth parents. In my opinion your need to contact them trumps your birth mothers need to hide you. Good luck with whatever you decide. It's not easy x

whatnow40 · 28/04/2019 21:35

I'm in a similar situation as you OP, but reversed. I know my DM had a marriage and child, who was then adopted, before she met my Dad. There was domestic violence in the first marriage and she has never spoken of it or my half sibling. DM is not an emotionally stable person and now in her late 60's. I don't honestly know of having contact with my sibling would break her, or give her an opportunity to make peace before it's too late.

I don't know if she even knows she was adopted or how to go about tracing her. But I think maybe I should just wait and see if she wants to make contact. She would be in her late 40's now, so unlikely I think.

In your situation, you have nothing to loose. They may be waiting for you to make the first move.

DebDebster · 28/04/2019 21:35

I have no idea what to say.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 28/04/2019 21:37

They are your siblings and have a right to know you. Reach out you have nothing to loose. They may reject it but at least you will have tried. If they do leave them contact details incase they change their mind. Maybe they do not know about you so cannot look for you. Personally I grew up without my biological father. I found him to find out if I have half siblings but I do not so all contact was cut due to the background. However I will never regret looking as if I had them I would want to know them.

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