Contacting Half Siblings

[DebDebster]

A bit of a back story...

I am adopted. I made Contact with my birth mother she wanted nothing to do with me. However, I know I have two (half)) siblings. I am agonising over whether to contact them. Please, what would you do?

It can be a real minefield. My biological father was a total twat who abandoned us when I was a toddler- never had any contact. After my mum's death a few years back my natural father contacted me and advised that he had three adult children with a second wife and they wanted to get in touch with me.

This was initially by phone with the youngest of the three, a brother. Phone calls went well although he wouldn't engage with any conversation around our father. The older half sibling texted a couple of times, the sister had no contact A few weeks later I agreed to travel to meet all three.

It was a really difficult experience. I was still grieving my mother, had massive issues with twat father and its a tough ask to meet three adults who are your half siblings.

The sister just didn't show- no message then. I had absolutely nothing in common with either of the men. Tense, uncomfortable- hated it. The oldest did keep in touch for a few years after, never heard from the other brother again. The only positive is that I met my sister in law (since divorced) and whilst I don't have any contact with my siblings- I made a great friendship with her

Just manage your expectations and remember that blood isn't thicker than water

Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

All appreciated. I will read them again and think.

None of this is your fault Debs. Make the decision you want for yourself.

I think it could be a good idea to talk it over with someone- adoption counsellor, for example.

You do have to accept that if they don’t know about you that you are potentially going to turn their world a bit topsy- turvey and they may not thank you for that. You may be fortunate and it all works out well but I think you need to be sure you can deal with whatever response you get.

I know someone this happened to and it led to a lot of heartache all round and I know she has been really hurt by the fall out (and I know it has been hugely difficult for her other siblings and badly affected her mum). Given what has happened I suspect her half-sibling hasn’t found it easy either. I know my friend really wishes her half-sibling had not made contact and there is a huge amount of resentment, from what I understand. It’s quite a sad situation really, but I know my friend feels like she has had a grenade thrown into her family for someone else’s perceived benefit, with no say at all.

If you really feel the need to contact your half-siblings and are fully prepared to deal with a bad outcome as well as a good one, as well as being very much aware that you could be causing upset to others so tread very carefully, then I suppose you could consider contacting your half-siblings.

Maybe you should let your birth mother know you intend on doing this first? Perhaps she would prefer to tell them, even if forced to do so by your decision to contact them, rather than them finding out from you. I’m not sure if that would be better or worse, but something to consider?

Kind words. Thank you.

Please be assured I am considering everything.

I think at this point it has the potential to do more harm to all of you than good.

I'm just thinking: If I got a letter/email saying "I'm your half sibling" my first response would be to ask dm about it.
By the sounds of it your dm might either deny it, or say nasty things about you.
I think if I was in that situation, I would probably not want to proceed with meeting you because I would be aware that I could be effecting an existing relationship with a possible one.

We have, in the family, a situation where someone who was adopted is now in contact with biological family. However the dm contacted first and she waited until people who would have found it hard to cope with the reality had died.

but I know my friend feels like she has had a grenade thrown into her family... with no say at all I think this is a very good point. Especially the "no say at all". It will look from their side as though you are calling the shots. You have chosen to contact, you have chosen the time, you have chosen who to contact.

Also how do your birth parents feel about it?

Sorry miss typed, how does your birth father feel about it, if you know him, and your adoptive parents?

I do not know anything about my birth father.

My adoptive parents, who are the best parents you could ask for, fully understand and support me.

You have chosen to contact, you have chosen the time, you have chosen who to contact.

I think this is very unfair. It isn't OP's fault that her parents gave her up for adoption, nor is it her fault that her mother didn't tell subsequent children about her (if she didn't). She shouldn't have to keep the secrets of someone else in preference to her own interests. The other siblings might be happy to get to know her, but they also deserve the chance to know that she exists, even if it's a difficult message to hear. It isn't always the case that people don't want half siblings either, if we had a half sibling turn up out of the blue I'd want to know them, regardless of whichever parent was having difficulties explaining the situation.

I forgot to mention earlier about a friend who over time discovered 7 extra half siblings. After the initial shock / surprise of the first, all the siblings have welcomed each new one with open arms. Actually they've welcomed all the mothers too, their father was an accomplished liar so they've all decided to just get on and not carry pointless grudges between themselves. It can go either way, but I believe that adults deserve at least the truth.

MRex, I completely agree with you.
I would rather know about my half sister than not. In fact her existence has answered many questions, and explains so much about my mother’s behaviour.
I hope we will have some kind of relationship, but I don’t expect it.
The very fact of her birth is enough, and I am so grateful that I found out about her, it is massive.

@MRex

This is how I feel. Thank you for being so eloquent.

I hope they give you a chance @DebDebster. The links before looked good, for someone to help you with how to break the news to them. It probably would be useful to tell your birth mother in advance that you will be letting them know, to give her the opportunity to tell them in advance but from what you said about the nasty letter I'm less sure that it would help you. Maybe she's just frightened about the impact on her other children, but there was no need to be nasty, she already abandoned you once so a few kind words wouldn't be too much.

Are you planning to look for your birth father to see if he had other children as well? Through DNA testing on one of the sites maybe?

And if you do decide contact them, it would be great if you gave us an update about how it goes. If that wouldn't be too intrusive.

Just wanted to add, that if you were my half sibling I would welcome you with open arms, regardless of wider family.
An this is exactly what I have done with my surprise half sister

My DH has recently made contact with his half brother that he had no idea about. DH was adopted by his step dad at a young age, his birth dad remarried and had a child. His half brother found out that he had a brother (my DH) when he was early 20’s and it really messed with his head that he’d never been told. He tried to look for my DH several times but didn’t know his new last name. My DH found him last year and although they haven’t met up they have sent emails and are friends on FB. I think they both like knowing that they’ve found the missing person.

I would contact them via letter, email or social media. If they choose to reply, great, if they don’t then you’ll just have to accept that they’re not ready yet and may never be.

MRex has summed up how I feel about it. I know if I had a sibling that was adopted I'd want to know.