Contacting Half Siblings

[DebDebster]

A bit of a back story...

I am adopted. I made Contact with my birth mother she wanted nothing to do with me. However, I know I have two (half)) siblings. I am agonising over whether to contact them. Please, what would you do?

People telling you you have nothing to lose are coming unwittingly I guess from a very selfish point of view

My experience completely shattered my life as I knew it and I'd give anything for it not to have happened

Maybe contact your birth mother and tell her you are intending to contact your siblings and that whilst you are not asking for permission as you will be doing so that you are giving her the heads up incase she would like to tell them herself. Tell her she has 7 days for example to do so before you make contact.

Oh n I have experience to an extent. My blood cousin who is older than me was adopted at 2. I posted adds and found her. At first she did not want to know her birth mother and my aunt was upset now they have a fantastic relationship

I am the 8th child in a large family, all my brothers and sister are step brothers and sister. I am the youngest. They all accept me as a sister. We have a different father. They are your family , go for it.

I know it's not the same but I contacted half siblings who did know I existed. They were very different from me but I got on okay with one of them for a few years. And then we fell out because they disagreed with my view of our shared parent (who I disliked, and they barely knew but about whom they did not want the full story).

Go carefully: these things can be very hurtful.

I agree it's a really tricky one. Honestly if someone turned up tomorrow saying they were my half sister and my mum had her adopted, my first thoughts wouldn't be about building any sort of relationship with that person but about the impact the revelation has in my relationship with my mum. Perhaps after that I would want a relationship but I think it would depend on why my mum had the baby adopted and what the impact on her might be.

What do you want to happen? Do you have friends or family that can support you in this decision in real life? I fully understand you wanting to meet them but you may not get what you want from this, especially if your birth mum has already made it clear she doesn't want a relationship. I hope you have real support. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

OP meet them but expect absolutely nothing for them.

I know people who ended up having very good relationships with half-siblings, and people who have no relationship.

Oh and leave your birth mother alone. She has made it clear she doesn't want any form of relationship with you so don't contact again as you would be harassing her.

OP you should def do it but expect the worst so you are not disappointed if they have a similar reaction to your mother. As for her, you owe her nothing so I would focus on you and your half siblings only.

*FWIW I met my half sister when I was 24 (she was early 40s). She did know I existed but everything else she knew wasn't correct. We had a very good relationship to start with and then she faced some trauma - deaths in her family and after that cut contact with no explanation. It's been six years now. I was VERY hurt when it happened. Still am to some extent although I now know people deal with trauma in different ways and I did nothing wrong. However going back I would do it all again, as I would rather know that live with 'what if'..

You might get any of a really wide range of responses.

I think the best bet is to email / send a letter (in a -handwritten- envelope) asking them to contact you about a family matter from XXX number of years ago. Keep it neutral and don't lay it all out at once, that's too much.

If they take up contact mention that you believe that you have a parent in common, that you aren't looking for any gain from them and that you just wish for some degree of contact.

Take it from there gently. It could be a big shock to them.

Be prepared for rejection though. It hurts like holy hell but there is NOTHING you can do if they don't want to know. Shield your heart if you can .. it's difficult but might help.

If they do want contact then take it slowly and don't expect too much. At best you've great new half-siblings, but it's fairly rare that it works out that well.

All the very best. It's worked out reasonably well for me on one side, and badly on the other; totally rejected. On the side that accepted me, they knew I existed first. On the other side, they didnt, and it was socially unacceptable in their circle to have an illegitimate child. It hurts. On the other hand my half sister is a glowing light in my life.

If I had a lost sibling, I would want to know they existed and a chance to get to know them.

I agree with some others, tread carefully. I was introduced to my half siblings at 13 and I could never “break in” to the bond they shared with each other. It ended up making me feel more isolated, lonely and rejected. I haven’t spoken to them for years now and probably never will again. “Happy” reunions make for great TV but they often don’t turn out that way in real life.

I'm adopted OP but I've never been interested in meeting my birth mum or any other half siblings that I've likely got as she was v young when she had me. I say half because my brother, well half brother (different dads) is 17 months older than me and we both ended up with the same adoptive family. He wasn't planned but she purposefully got pregnant with me as she didn't want my brother to be on his own - crazy really because there was no guarantee that my mum wanted or could take another child. Luckily she did.

I'm curious as to why you wanted to contact your birth relatives a# it's never interested me. Obvs each to own but I imagine it's for a specific reason, some kind of feeling or situation? I tried to find them when I had children purely to see if there were any hereditary issues I needed to be aware of as I didn't want to have the 'touch wood' approach for them that I had to have health wise. My birth mum was also adopted so its two generations of health history missing which I hate.

My friend who is also adopted was rejected by her birth mum who she found through Facebook. It knocked her for six and made all the feelings of rejection resurface. I didn't quite understand this though as her parents love her dearly and she's had a good life, upbringing and showered with love.

I guess if you contacted them and got a positive response and were able to have a relationship going forward then it's worth the punt but if it would push you over the edge should they reject you then is it really worth the hassle? It comes back to the question of why you want or feel you need this?

Why?

That is an even longer story.

I didn’t want to find my birth mother. My husband, unbeknownst to me found her. I was very annoyed. But because she had been found I thought I owed it to her to write to her and she sent me a letter back which was rather cruel andI unkind. This was a while ago and at that time I discovered I had the two half siblings. Fast forward a few years I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That was two years ago. Having cancer changes your perspective and your outlook on life. Hence.

With respect OP there's many things that happen in life that could make you change your perspective, but despite some real shit
times, I never have. So I don't think the 'why' is always obvious. The ppl I know that try to or would pursue this given the chance is because they feel they are missing something.

My point was more if you are just curious but not really bothered by the outcome then a negative response is less likely to upset you. And after your birth mothers nasty reaction, I assumed rightly or wrongly that you'd want to protect yourself going forward. Which is why I think you need to be sure of the reasons why you want to pursue it and what you hope to get out of it.

Having my mortality tested cemented my mindset of giving my time, love and attention only to those who know and love me the same. I have 'room' for accepting new ppl into my life but the fact they were related to me by blood would have no more bearing than if I were to make a new friend for example.

I wish you luck whatever you decide to do

OP, I was in a similair-ish situation - my half sibling contacted me. I was vaguely aware they existed. They are a fair bit older than me.

We kept in contact but aren't close. I'm glad my sibling reached out and found me, it did make me have lots of questions the older I got (when I had my own kids, basically) which I can't really get answers to, if that makes sense?

I would make contact if I was you.

Your mother made a choice to hand you over for adoption, for what ever reason. With that, presumably she was given assurances this would be a closed chapter in her life. Personally I think its awful unfair, that someone, you, have the power to walk in and wreck other peoples lives - even though it’s been made clear she doesn’t want to engage.

At best, your half siblings will meet you as curiosity, but you aren’t ever going to be welcomed to the bosom of their respective families whilst their mother is alive.

And do come at this with the experience of a cousin being an interfamily adoption (we all knew - she didn’t) and the fall out when that can of worms opened was utterly horrendous.

Debs I think you should contact them, you are all in the same boat re your birth mother, I think SeaEagles advice is spot on.
This has happened to me, the connection was made through Ancestry, and I have a half sister I knew nothing about, I am 51, she is a couple of years older. Our mother died over 20 years ago, but I am so grateful that she got in touch, it explains so much about my childhood and mother’s sadness.
Good luck

If you dont know if they know about you? what do you think it will do to them .....to have you contact them out of the blue...
What are you hoping to gain from it.....their 1st relationship will be woth their parent & siblings - those relationships maybe strong maybe crap...If your mums letter was cruel and mean did she give any indication of her other family relationships

you are potentially throwing hand grenades into a number of other peoples lives and you have lived without those people for all these years already......maybe you should talk to a counseller about what you are trying to fix/solve by doing this and does that need out weigh the impact on some strangers....

I personally would not contact them and would concentrate on making the most of the family and friends I have and love......

debs. I am sorry I have got the wrong end of the stick!
My advice still stands though. My half sister was adopted as a baby. I knew nothing of her existence until about 6 weeks ago and I still haven’t met her as she lives in another country. Even if our mum was alive and wanted nothing to do with her, I absolutely still would, 100%.
I am in exactly the same position as your half siblings, except that our mother is dead.
If you would like to pm me, please do.

Can you make contact through a trusted other person who can act as an intermediary and possibly shield you from any negative/hurtful replies? It may also be easier on the siblings to answer indirectly at first.

@DebDebster
Although the situation is not precisely the same, you may find some of the issues / feelings expressed by the people in these articles helpful. (They used DNA testing to discover their birth families).

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/apr/29/dna-search-angels-adoption-facebook-detectives-reunite-families

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/sep/18/your-fathers-not-your-father-when-dna-tests-reveal-more-than-you-bargained-for

You have nothing to lose by contacting, but be prepared to be rejected by them.

I contacted my biological dad a few years ago, we met twice and then he cut all contact. After some consideration, I contacted on of my 6 half siblings (we all have same dad, they all have same mum). Only two of them wanted to meet me.

It's not like a sibling relationship, it's quite tiring trying to meet up and keep up a conversation. There was also a lot of fall out their side, the two that are in touch fell out with their mum and other siblings, and still don't speak to their mum, I have a lot of guilt over that, despite them telling me it's not my fault.

It's a huge discovery, finding out you have siblings you never knew about, from both sides. Have you had counselling? This helped me immensely.

I know I have half siblings I don’t know who they are though.

I don’t wish to have any contact with them and I would ignore any email or letter I received from them or their children.

Thank you for the links.

Personally I think its awful unfair, that someone, you, have the power to walk in and wreck other peoples lives

it may be unfair but parents who have children and have to give them up for adoption rather have to accept that this 'unfairness' may happen.

It's unfair on the OP that she doesn't know her bio. parents or siblings. It's unfair on the siblings if they get landed with this bombshell.

I'm not sure that talking about 'fair' helps very much. A cautious approach with a dollop of tolerance and large amount of awareness that it might go wrong seem more helpful.