Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go with out dd1

62 replies

Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 19:36

Dd1 is 24, lives in the city centre, luxury apartment (rents room of her friend), great job, cash for clothes, lip fillers and other general waste of money ect..

I had two other children under ten.

Dh and I took her to the Caribbean with us last summer for two weeks (with our other two) We paid for her and her meals. She took a bit of money which was actually just borrowing of DGM as I refused to lend her spending money also.

Any way Dh and I have had a bad six months family wise and thought we would like to go away over Xmas. It’s to my favourite hotel and it’s not cheap. I originally said I’d take dd (as I feel guilty if I don’t!) but I’ve just looked in to prices and it’s fucking expensive! Adding dd1 on actually raises the total £2600 because of the extra room and supplements 😱 that’s even with putting dd2 in with her. That’s double and more than what we are paying each if she doesn’t come. There is now way we can afford it. And tbh I can’t justify that amount of money either.

I’ve just called her and she has flat out said she can’t contribute nothing to it. She has a holiday already booked with her girlfriends.

If I stay at home she will go back to her apartment on Boxing Day morning to go out partying in the evening.

If I book a cottage in the UK she will 100% lay on the couch the entire time on her phone pissed off and bored. Plus I don’t want to cook and clean up after them!

She normally actually stays with her boyfriends parents over Xmas (as they are rich) but split up just before Xmas last year. So If she wasn’t to come she could go to her dads parents, my parents. ( feel guilty even writing that 😬)

AIBU to say I can’t afford to pay for her and she has to contribute if she wants to go. Or am I being dead tight.

OP posts:
HappyGirl86 · 28/04/2019 19:39

I think it's perfectly reasonable to suggest she cuts back on her luxuries and contributes if she really wants to come. She is an adult. It sounds like she could afford to contribute if she really wanted to.

Shylo · 28/04/2019 19:39

No, she’s an adult and if she wants to come she needs to contribute

MadeForThis · 28/04/2019 19:41

She's 24. If she wants to come she pays for herself.

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 19:42

*cant contribute!

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/04/2019 19:42

She's 24!! Do you really need to ask

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/04/2019 19:44

I thought it was tight until I read that your partner isn't her Dad and so she wouldn't be alone over xmas. If she really wants to go she needs to pay for it.

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 19:44

She could. Dh just said that her life style is expensive and we should see if it gets cheaper nearer the time Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 19:45

Even though I originally said I’d take her 😬

OP posts:
Cornishmum00 · 28/04/2019 19:49

I would not as an adult, not even living at home, ever expect parents to pay for a holiday.

PatriciaHolm · 28/04/2019 19:53

How can she possibly expect you to pay for her? That's insane. She's 24 and earning!

She's an independent adult.

Fatted · 28/04/2019 19:56

I would do it under the condition that she pays herself. If she can't pay, she doesn't go.

CurtainsOpen · 28/04/2019 19:56

Can't pay, don't go. Simple.

UCOinanOCG · 28/04/2019 19:56

Why in earth do you feel you need to take your 24yo DD with you? Don't be daft. We don't even factor 21yo uni student DD into our holiday plans any more.

Catchingbentcoppers · 28/04/2019 19:58

Of course she should pay, she's 24 not 14.

OP, I mean this kindly, do you think you have perhaps spoiled her in the past and that's why she seems to expect not to pay?

CripsSandwiches · 28/04/2019 20:00

In general I don't think it's at all expected to pay for your adult child to come with you on holiday. I would feel a bit guilty to be honest about going away on an expensive holiday over Christmas if it meant my DD couldn't join us. (Most 24 year olds would balk at paying thousands for a holiday - especially one they didn't get to choose). That said from what you've said she has other options and family Christmas isn't important to her so I don't think YABU.

In general there sounds like there's a lot of resentment towards DD so I think if you pay thousands for her to come she'll just drive you mad. She's an adult maybe it's time to shift your relationship a bit. She's an adult - she'll be fine.

ssd · 28/04/2019 20:01

You go and enjoy yourselves, at her age sge shouldn't expect to go and certainly not for free. She sounds pretty spoiled actually.

MollyYouInDangerGirl · 28/04/2019 20:01

I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to pay for herself of she wants to go, I think at the age of 24 you're not obliged to take her.

If your other 2 kids are under the age of 10 then she will have had at least 14 years of holidays being paid for etc iyswim?

MollyYouInDangerGirl · 28/04/2019 20:04

14 years before her siblings came along I should have said sorry!

Kungfupanda67 · 28/04/2019 20:08

She’s 24, if she wants to go she needs to pay. I’m 25, married with 3 kids in my own house - next year I’m taking my mum on holiday for her 50th. When we become adults the relationship is supposed to change to become more equal, it doesn’t sound like that’s happened with your daughter - she still wants to be treated like a kid

mum11970 · 28/04/2019 20:09

I think it’s the fact it’s over Christmas that would make me feel guilty. We’re thinking of just taking youngest on holiday this year but two older kids (21 and 18) are going with friends any way. Don’t think I could do it over Christmas though. Then again we don’t think twice about going without the even older ones who have families of their own.

Flaverings · 28/04/2019 20:09

This is crazy, why are you still taking her on holiday?

Fredscheesethins · 28/04/2019 20:19

You said yourself that she usually stays with her boyfriend's family over Christmas (I'm not sure why their wealth is of any relevance though), so you're not abandoning her, because she has already abandoned you. She's old enough to decide her own priorities and budget for her own holidays. Tell her she can pay her own way or not go.

YouJustDoYou · 28/04/2019 20:21

She seems to have zero money management skills, and isn't all that understanding of what costs a holiday entails. I wouldn't take her.

luckylavender · 28/04/2019 20:22

I think you should go without her but not at Christmas

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 20:24

OP, I mean this kindly, do you think you have perhaps spoiled her in the past and that's why she seems to expect not to pay?

Yes. I was a single mum for a very long time and over compensated and feel like I’m leaving her behind. She has actually just come back from the county I want to go to after visiting her friend there for five days.

OP posts: