To go with out dd1

[Tightarseparent1]

Dd1 is 24, lives in the city centre, luxury apartment (rents room of her friend), great job, cash for clothes, lip fillers and other general waste of money ect..

I had two other children under ten.

Dh and I took her to the Caribbean with us last summer for two weeks (with our other two) We paid for her and her meals. She took a bit of money which was actually just borrowing of DGM as I refused to lend her spending money also.

Any way Dh and I have had a bad six months family wise and thought we would like to go away over Xmas. It’s to my favourite hotel and it’s not cheap. I originally said I’d take dd (as I feel guilty if I don’t!) but I’ve just looked in to prices and it’s fucking expensive! Adding dd1 on actually raises the total £2600 because of the extra room and supplements 😱 that’s even with putting dd2 in with her. That’s double and more than what we are paying each if she doesn’t come. There is now way we can afford it. And tbh I can’t justify that amount of money either.

I’ve just called her and she has flat out said she can’t contribute nothing to it. She has a holiday already booked with her girlfriends.

If I stay at home she will go back to her apartment on Boxing Day morning to go out partying in the evening.

If I book a cottage in the UK she will 100% lay on the couch the entire time on her phone pissed off and bored. Plus I don’t want to cook and clean up after them!

She normally actually stays with her boyfriends parents over Xmas (as they are rich) but split up just before Xmas last year. So If she wasn’t to come she could go to her dads parents, my parents. ( feel guilty even writing that 😬)

AIBU to say I can’t afford to pay for her and she has to contribute if she wants to go. Or am I being dead tight.

She is an adult earning money who doesn’t live in the family home. She can be invited but should pay her way if she wants to come.

I also agree with LL83.

Also - she’s split with her boyfriend but it’s April. What happens if she’s lived up by Xmas and changes her mind, at which point you’ve paid a fortune for her? She either won’t go or will go and moan and not engage with the family which it sounds like she does already.

We’re going to book a cottage over Xmas, and look at going next feb half term just the four of us . It’s ££££ cheaper then too.

Cheers all for the input

This all seems very much about you and not about your family. Do you want to spend time with her or not really? I personally would compromise so that I could be with my family, but you make it seem like the hotel is more appealing to you than sharing Christmas with her.

Sounds like your relationship is already rocky, this would have pushed me over the edge at 24. I worry the damage will be hard to repair op. Is it worth it?

Tightarseparent1

zippyI was 15 when I had her so still a child and not up to top parenting tactics - cheers for that. Why the fuck have I moved on with my new family? Sheismy family

OP I get that from your posts, ignore the absolute that said that, people with that attitude.... I have no words.
Absolutely don't pay, mine is 21 and she wouldn't dream of not paying in full, and from 18 when she worked, we would most likely buy most meals for her though. I do feel a twinge of guilt but that's being a parent hey

She's 24. You do not have to pay for her holidays. Even at Christmas.

If it was a priority for her, she could save up between now and then, but it sounds like it isn't. That's fine. It's her choice. It does not make you a bad mother.

I see you are doing a cottage at Xmas.

I personally would stay home at Christmas. Yes, the older kids will just pop in for a couple of days. So what. That is how this works.

I went on holiday with my 20yo and two younger teens last summer, but I said if she wants to come she has to make a contribution to accommodation.

However she is a student and got diagnosed with a life long chronic condition last year (in and out of hospital etc), couldn't work but good grades despite all her challenges.

Christmas time is a bit rough so I would probably at least stay for Christmas Eve / Christmas Day, head away first thing Boxing Day. Tbh I wouldn't pay for her because at 24 plans can change very quickly!

I think this situation is one that needs a bit of meeting on the middle. Your daughter should appreciate that sometimes people make offers they can't actually fulfill or involve more effort/expense than they realised, so you have to give them an out in those scenarios and appreciate that they [i]wanted [/i]to offer it if they could.

On your side, I think try to avoid saying you'll do/pay for things you can't, or at least make it clear it's something you'd like to do, but you need to look into it first.

I was quite indulgent with my DC but by the time they were 24 and working they certainly didn't come on holiday with us and I wouldn't have paid for them if they chose to.
OP try to remember she's an adult.

I am around your DD's age and can't remember the last time I have been on holidays with my family? I definitely wouldn't expect to have holidays paid for at my age, especially if having me meant adding thousands, but then again, I also wouldn't pay thousands to hang out with my family, so I guess it's about whether you value time with her at Christmas, or would just want the hotel? (slightly curious about which hotel that is and where as this cost sounds absolutely prohibitive to me)

I think you should stop feeling guilty about not being able to afford holidays for your grown-up/independant daughter, but also accept the fact that while she might have the means to pay to spend time with you, she may well not chose to and therefore you might see less of her.

Personally, I would stick to the "if you want to come, feel free to but it's an added cost of X we expect you to cover now you have your own salary and don't live at home anymore" from now on and would accept she might never fancy holidaying with the family again.

I go abroad a lot, way more than my own family and none of my trips (flights included) cost even near to what the cost of this hotel room seem to be so I think I would just never join if I was her but that's part of growing up and cutting the cord I suppose where you just do your own thing and meet with the family when you can.

YANBU to go without her if you won't pay, but YABU to do it over Christmas.

*if SHE won't pay