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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go with out dd1

62 replies

Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 19:36

Dd1 is 24, lives in the city centre, luxury apartment (rents room of her friend), great job, cash for clothes, lip fillers and other general waste of money ect..

I had two other children under ten.

Dh and I took her to the Caribbean with us last summer for two weeks (with our other two) We paid for her and her meals. She took a bit of money which was actually just borrowing of DGM as I refused to lend her spending money also.

Any way Dh and I have had a bad six months family wise and thought we would like to go away over Xmas. It’s to my favourite hotel and it’s not cheap. I originally said I’d take dd (as I feel guilty if I don’t!) but I’ve just looked in to prices and it’s fucking expensive! Adding dd1 on actually raises the total £2600 because of the extra room and supplements 😱 that’s even with putting dd2 in with her. That’s double and more than what we are paying each if she doesn’t come. There is now way we can afford it. And tbh I can’t justify that amount of money either.

I’ve just called her and she has flat out said she can’t contribute nothing to it. She has a holiday already booked with her girlfriends.

If I stay at home she will go back to her apartment on Boxing Day morning to go out partying in the evening.

If I book a cottage in the UK she will 100% lay on the couch the entire time on her phone pissed off and bored. Plus I don’t want to cook and clean up after them!

She normally actually stays with her boyfriends parents over Xmas (as they are rich) but split up just before Xmas last year. So If she wasn’t to come she could go to her dads parents, my parents. ( feel guilty even writing that 😬)

AIBU to say I can’t afford to pay for her and she has to contribute if she wants to go. Or am I being dead tight.

OP posts:
ZippyBungleandGeorge · 28/04/2019 20:24

I think this would be perfectly fine if it wasn't Christmas and she hadn't split up with her boyfriend. At 24 most people I know still go home at Christmas, or door it between their own parents and DPs parents. Yes she shouldn't sirens du much money and no you should've have taken her all expenses paid to the Carribbean but given this is the pattern you've established, it seems mean to leave her alone at Christmas. Can't you go boxing Day or something? Just have a low key Christmas at home

NewPapaGuinea · 28/04/2019 20:25

How long would you continue to fund a holiday for her? Pretty much the second they earn their own money (full time, non student) is the minute they pay/contribute themselves.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 28/04/2019 20:25

or split it between their own parents and DPs parents. Yes she shouldn't spend so much money and no you shouldn't have have taken her all expenses...
Sorry typos

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 20:27

In general there sounds like there's a lot of resentment towards DD so I think if you pay thousands for her to come she'll just drive you mad

Well yes actually when we took her away in the summer I swore I’d never do it again. I don’t resent her I resent the fact she tends to try and boss me about or look down her nose at me.

OP posts:
Catchingbentcoppers · 28/04/2019 20:27

Yes. I was a single mum for a very long time and over compensated and feel like I’m leaving her behind. She has actually just come back from the county I want to go to after visiting her friend there for five days.

Aw you're not leaving her behind, she just needs to stand on her own two feet and not rely on you so much. I totally understand how it feels to overcompensate, I really do, but you do need to let her appreciate you a bit more!

IgnoranceIsStrength · 28/04/2019 20:28

My parents stopped including me in holiday plans as soon as I turned 16. At 24 there is no way you should feel responsible for taking her. She already has a holiday booked for this year so she is not being too hard done by

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 20:31

Just have a low key Christmas at home

She would spend Xmas eve and Xmas day at home. She would leave Boxing Day and I wouldn’t see her till mid January.

Why should we not go away so I can play maid and cook for a day and half?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 20:32

catch Flowers

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 28/04/2019 20:36

I disagree that adult children should always be expected to pay - in my family this is an annual battle where my mum announces our family holiday, and gets grumpy when my brother (well off, but single and with other priorities for his cash and annual leave) doesn't agree to it.

However in this case, I'd say leave it be. Let her know that if she'd like to contribute you'd love to see her, but if she's not in the position to do so or doesn't want to, that is her valid choice.

Once she's a bit older and maybe with DC's of her own, family holidays can get a lot more appealing again, with built in childcare and/or family to play with!

slashlover · 28/04/2019 20:43

As soon as I was 18 my parents told me that if I wanted to go with them then I'd need to pay. I told them that if I could afford to pay then I certainly wouldn't be going with them. Grin

spanishwife · 28/04/2019 20:49

I get that she's an adult and should pay her own way, but there is no way I would ever give my child an ultimatum like that. Pay £2.6k (which is a lot of money for anyone, esp a 24 year old) or be alone on Xmas. Way too harsh.

BlueJag · 28/04/2019 20:58

I'm not sure where the guilt it's coming from she is an independent adult living away from home.
Are you going away with her and her friends? No and she doesn't feel guilty at all.
Sometimes it's nice to do things for the grown up children but not out of guilt.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 28/04/2019 21:26

She's 24, earning and living away from home. You don't have to plan holidays around her.

By telling her now, she's got plenty of time to make alternative plans for Christmas. Meh, she might even have a new boyfriend by then.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 28/04/2019 21:32

@Tightarseparent1 maybe if you hadn't waited on her hand and foot and by your own admission spoiled her, she'd come home as a productive member of the family and would help cook/tidy at etc, instead you'll just move on with your new family. Nice.

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 21:35

spanish I’m not giving her an ultimatum. I’ve just asked her to contribute. The extra £2600 actually filters on to every one final price - . It’s costing us £1100 each for the four of us to in to a room. If dd one comes its changes price to 3x 1300 & 2x 1500 or something similar. I just asked for a contribution. She says she can’t.

I know she would love to go to this hotel over Xmas. But it’s too much.

Blue I think the guilt just comes from just wanting to make sure she had the best of every thing because he dad wasn’t around then and I felt sorry for that. Which actually led to her being quite materialistic and entitled. It does conflict me because I miss her terribly when she is away but she grinds my gears when she is here because she acts like one if the Kardashian’s!

OP posts:
Tink1990 · 28/04/2019 21:35

I dont think you should leave her behind at Christmas. Any other time I would agree that she contributes or stays behind but not at Christmas.

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 21:37

zippy I was 15 when I had her so still a child and not up to top parenting tactics - cheers for that. Why the fuck have I moved on with my new family? She is my family Hmm

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stucknoue · 28/04/2019 21:37

So adding her doubles the price? If she doesn't come is their additional costs because dd2 has to share with you eg family room costs more?

If you feel bad, there's going to be other options hotel wise but hotels this far out do jack up Christmas prices (they drop close to Christmas when nobody books)

LL83 · 28/04/2019 21:38

I couldn't take the family away and leave 24 year old dd without a family of her own unless either

  1. she could afford to come but chose not to (which is what she has done)
  2. she has other family to spend the day with (which she does)

Go for it and don't feel guilty.

Leeds2 · 28/04/2019 21:39

Could you not have Christmas at home with DD1, then go on holiday on Boxing Day or the 27th?

Thehop · 28/04/2019 21:41

What LL83 said is spot on. Go enjoy yourself x

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 21:43

Stuck If she didn’t come, we would fill the room max occ. if she comes both rooms are unfilled causing supplements on both rooms as dd2 would go in with her

OP posts:
ChandelierLizzid · 28/04/2019 21:47

When you mentioned about the contribution, did she seem to care a lot about going? Maybe she's happy with her friend holiday and might not like holiday with family sharing with kids.

ssd · 28/04/2019 21:59

I think what's coming out of your posts is not the guilt etc etc it's the way you feel your dd looks down her nose at you and expects you to lift and lay her when you are together. That's just not on and I feel you need to be the parent and have a word with her, I know you are close in age but you're still her mum and treating you like your beneath her just isn't on.

Original poster
Tightarseparent1 · 28/04/2019 22:05

chandler yes she was bothered.

ssd I know Blush it’s a running conversation Dh has with me.

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