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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

At what age is it U to let children choose for themselves?

67 replies

BogstandardBelle · 28/04/2019 14:44

DH and DS1 (12) just had a big fight. It’s Sunday, it’s drizzling outside, it’s the last day of a long and active holiday. DS has had a lazy morning of gaming, long bath, reading etc and hasn’t wanted to go out. I’ve been in the garden, DH and DS2 have been out.

After lunch DH decided that DS1 needed to go out to the park for a walk / fresh air. DS1 didn’t want to (he was gaming at the time). DH insisted and the end result was DS1 in tears, DH shouting. They’ve gone out now, hopefully to return with familial harmony restored.

My question though is: at what age should children’s choices be respected? At which point / age is it okay for DS to say “no thanks dad, I’d rather stay at home today.” ?

For context, DHs family are Walkers: it’s what they do. Everywhere, for any reason. So he’s absolutely convinced that’s it’s fundamentally important to get out every day, rain or shine.

OP posts:

TeenTitans · 28/04/2019 14:46

At 12 its fine. Your husband is being unreasonable there

BeautyWasTheBeast · 28/04/2019 14:49

As long as he hasn't spent the entire Easter break sat inside gaming then I don't see any problems with letting him have a lazy day.

Original poster

BogstandardBelle · 28/04/2019 14:55

He’s had a week of doing a holiday sports thing where he’s been active from 10am till 4pm every day. Then yesterday he did an hour of this again, then an hour of laser games and a 25 minute walk back to a friend’s house, followed by football in their garden!

DH has this moral high ground thing about getting out every day. He doesn’t agree with lazy days. Most of the time I’m on board - but to push it to the point where they are fighting, I just knew he WBU!

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 28/04/2019 14:58

House rules are house rules. We have a family walk every day after dinner; everybody in the house comes rain or shine. It’s fine for kids to get free time but they need structure too; you can’t afford to get into the trap where he wastes entire days gaming without doing anything healthy.

AuntieStella · 28/04/2019 15:00

Your DH was right in principle but wrong in execution.

When DS1 told him he was mid-game, he should have asked how long it was likely to last, and told him not to start another one. And taken him out at the next natural break point.

After all, if he was mid-homework, ringing granny or doing his piano, the DH would have waited until it started conclusion. No reason not to extend same tolerance when he's with friends online.

He is right however to get him away from the screen every day. And would be right to insist if there was no sign of a natural break point coming up soonish.

JacquesHammer · 28/04/2019 15:03

Your DH was in the wrong.

At the end of a very active holiday, there’s absolutely no harm in DS unwinding as he wants before a return to school.

Unihorn · 28/04/2019 15:04

Teddybear45 why can't people "waste" entire days gaming?

ShabbyAbby · 28/04/2019 15:04

I think at 12 it would be reasonable to take his opinion into account. So, offer the healthy walk, but if he really needs some rest and headspace factor that in too. Nobody should need to be getting upset. Maybe Dad could try joining him for a game?

Bookworm4 · 28/04/2019 15:07

@teddybear
Every day? Everybody? No choice in the matter? That's very rigid, your kids will get to the point of not wanting to.

HerRoyalFattyness · 28/04/2019 15:07

Its fine. We've all spent an entire day on screens today.
DD and DS2 playing together on a tablet, DS1 messing about on his phone, DP on the xbox and me on my laptop.

Nanny0gg · 28/04/2019 15:08

We have a family walk every day after dinner; everybody in the house comes rain or shine.

Nicpem1982 · 28/04/2019 15:12

Your ds choice should have been respected there is nothing wrong with him having a day doing as he wishes prior to going back to school.

From the sounds of it he has been very active all holiday so one day in the scheme of things isnt going to hurt. Everything in moderation and all that

Beamur · 28/04/2019 15:13

Forced walking makes many kids refuse once they get older.
DH and his parents love walking. But his inability to be honest about how long a walk will actually take has resulted in rebellion (me included)
Fair enough to ask your DS (and I can get my DD to come for a walk, as can DH if he asks the right way) but by 12 you need to meet your kids half way.
Maybe suggest a short walk once they're at a point in the game they can break off. Or go for a walk with a purpose (get an ice cream maybe)

PregnantSea · 28/04/2019 15:13

It sounds like your son is generally very active so I think it's fine for him to want to chill for one day during his holiday. Your DH was being a bit of an ogre. If your DD was regularly lazing around all day then it would be different.

Kolo · 28/04/2019 15:20

Even you get than 12 (my kids are younger than that) I think it’s important to let them decide when they need a ‘duvet day’. Within reason, obviously. But if my kids have had a busy and active week, I like to let them have a slobby relaxing day to recover.

Maybe83 · 28/04/2019 15:24

I wouldn't have forced him.

I think children just like adults need down time and at 12 he is old enough with in reason to choose what that is.

BanginChoons · 28/04/2019 15:29

Maybe your DH should get a dog.

Grimbles · 28/04/2019 15:33

DS (6) is having a pyjama day today. Hes quite active for the rest of the week so theres no harm imo letting him having a few hours to play fortnite or watch YouTube videos.

fecketyfeck21 · 28/04/2019 15:36

walks every day after dinner, telling a 12 year old they have to go for a walk. fuck that for a game of soldiers ! what happened to choice ?
all sounds very regimented and a bit draconian, what happens if someone is ill, does someone else draw straws to stay behind to look after them ? still what works for one family...but i think you are going to have problems forcing teens to go for the daily march tbh, and i could damage relationships if parents are insisting on the house rule on this one as it's a bit pointless.

user1493413286 · 28/04/2019 15:39

I’d have limits on how long is spent gaming but if he doesn’t want to go out i wouldn’t force it.

UCOinanOCG · 28/04/2019 15:56

How old are your DC @TeddyBear45? I am guessing still fairly young? I can't imagine trying to force my DC into a daily after dinner walk if they didn't fancy it once they were teenagers. I liked my D.C. to have some sense of autonomy over their lives.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 28/04/2019 16:05

At 12 he should be able to have the choice imo

Fevertree · 28/04/2019 16:07

How old are your kids that you take on a daily walk after dinner? Do you not have swimming lessons/dance/karate after school?

youarenotkiddingme · 28/04/2019 16:35

I think any age is ok to have a choice if they make sensible choices about a balanced lifestyle.

Doesn't everyone have days where they can't be arsed?

My ds has been back at school this week after Easter break. So 2 training sessions for swimming weds, 1 for and competition this evening. Drama reversal and swimming tomorrow, hospital appointments and drama trip Tuesday and more swimming comp weds night.
So in between homework and coffee parents yesterday/food shop Ive absolutely not bothered about him gaming/watching tv the rest of the weekend!

Obviously if he just did this every evening and weekend it would be sensible to have the argument to instill some balance.

BarbarianMum · 28/04/2019 16:39

I wouldnt allow mine to choose to game for most of the day. They can move out if that's what they want. Stay in sometimes yes, but not just screens.

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