At what age is it U to let children choose for themselves?

[BogstandardBelle]

DH and DS1 (12) just had a big fight. It’s Sunday, it’s drizzling outside, it’s the last day of a long and active holiday. DS has had a lazy morning of gaming, long bath, reading etc and hasn’t wanted to go out. I’ve been in the garden, DH and DS2 have been out.

After lunch DH decided that DS1 needed to go out to the park for a walk / fresh air. DS1 didn’t want to (he was gaming at the time). DH insisted and the end result was DS1 in tears, DH shouting. They’ve gone out now, hopefully to return with familial harmony restored.

My question though is: at what age should children’s choices be respected? At which point / age is it okay for DS to say “no thanks dad, I’d rather stay at home today.” ?

For context, DHs family are Walkers: it’s what they do. Everywhere, for any reason. So he’s absolutely convinced that’s it’s fundamentally important to get out every day, rain or shine.

It was raining and your husband thinks a 12 year old should be happy to go for a walk for the sake of it? Your husband was being unreasonable. If I was doing something I enjoyed and someone told me to go for a walk in the rain, for no reason other than they said so, I would argue with them too.

I would say unless you want the future teenage years to be a total nightmare and full of arguments, then he needs to stop forcing his hobby on his children.

There has to be a balance of screen time with other things but it sounds like your son had that already this holiday.

This sounds like my husband. During the holiday, He's been demanding everyone gets dressed by 10 am and out the house. My kids like going out but some days fancied staying in. My husband got annoyed. When it rained he made us go for walk and out on bikes too! We think he's bat shit crazy. I think he's worried we 're turning lazy.

I don't think an hour or so off the computer is a bad thing.

Whatever your philosophy about screens and exercise, I reckon it should be clear that once you make a 12 year old cry, you've fucked it up.

Cant imagine getting my teenagers out for a walk every night after tea

I agree its about balance, DD growing up was extremely active, played various sports etc so I never forced her on walks (unless it was Christmas or on holidaY).

Two younger sons are not really sporty people, so I do encourage them to join me on a walk when I go for one on a Saturday and generally they oblige, but I never make them. I will, however limit screen time.

Ugh sounds like my parents. I grew to hate walks and the sun. Both were forced upon me. I am English pale and now am having issues with my skin because my parents thought it was good for me to get “some colour” aka BURNT to a crisp! Thanks mum and dad!

Gaming should be limited to certain times, then it wouldn't be a scandal having to turn off the computer

It's not about the gaming. What if he was reading a book, drawing something etc?

Gaming for a chill day at 12 doesn't mean he'll end up being 30 still living at home playing games all night and living on crisps ,pizza and coke.

It's not good for anyone to spend all day indoors, staring at screen. Daylight and exercise is vital for mental and physical health. 12 is too young to self regulate ( I "made" my 12 year old leave the house yesterday). It's unfortunate that he made DS cry, but I think the sentiment is a giid one.

This sounds like my husband. During the holiday, He's been demanding everyone gets dressed by 10 am and out the house. My kids like going out but some days fancied staying in. My husband got annoyed. When it rained he made us go for walk and out on bikes too!

Worrying, that he seems to be taking a parental role to you too and that you seem to be accepting it in case he gets annoyed.

@RosamundDarnley I comply because it's not good to argue in front of the children. We had one row during the holiday and it made the little one cry. Also my children love being with me so will say as a last resort, "we 'll only go if mum comes too."

12 year old should not be left gamng all day.

Sometimes my ds wants a chill day. He doesnt leave the house or garden. But he still only has his set allowed time on the ps4.

As a secondary school teacher of many years, i am very much in favour of limited screen time.

My son is 12 and for me it’s a bit of both...... he has been brought up catholic, school, christening, holy communion. All of that. He said last year that he doesn’t believe and that he believes in the Big Bang instead. Fine, he can do that, no issues. However he’d also like to eat sweets and chocolates or fizzy drinks all day long and that’s not ok. He’d like to stay up until midnight on a school night, again that’s not ok. I don’t think I’d have made him go out in the scenario you described. I think they need to have some ownership at that age. It’s a hard balancing act I think!

@margot33 why doesn't that bother him? Why doesn't he think to himself, ooh wait, margot doesn't want to do this right now, I'm not going to push it because I don't want to start a fight in front of the kids?

@toomuchtooold
You make a good point. He should care but thinks it's unhealthy to stay in. I think he's depressed quite honestly, and wants to escape the mundane reality by leaving the house every day, all day.

I can certainly sympathise with wanting to get out of the house - I think there's probably a lot of people, myself included, with a background of depression who struggle with long stretches of unstructured time - but he shouldn't be using that to effectively dictate to the rest of you what you do on your days off. Can you talk to him about it at other times?

@toomuchtooold
Yes I will try talking to him about it. I'm going to suggest he rejoin his hobbies to get him out of the house. He seemed happier when he went canoeing, played football and cycling. Since last winter he hurt his knee and stopped all sports.