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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what age is it U to let children choose for themselves?

67 replies

BogstandardBelle · 28/04/2019 14:44

DH and DS1 (12) just had a big fight. It’s Sunday, it’s drizzling outside, it’s the last day of a long and active holiday. DS has had a lazy morning of gaming, long bath, reading etc and hasn’t wanted to go out. I’ve been in the garden, DH and DS2 have been out.

After lunch DH decided that DS1 needed to go out to the park for a walk / fresh air. DS1 didn’t want to (he was gaming at the time). DH insisted and the end result was DS1 in tears, DH shouting. They’ve gone out now, hopefully to return with familial harmony restored.

My question though is: at what age should children’s choices be respected? At which point / age is it okay for DS to say “no thanks dad, I’d rather stay at home today.” ?

For context, DHs family are Walkers: it’s what they do. Everywhere, for any reason. So he’s absolutely convinced that’s it’s fundamentally important to get out every day, rain or shine.

OP posts:
ShabbyAbby · 28/04/2019 18:24

No wonder so many kids rebel. It's healthy for toddlers to have some choice in their lives, let alone almost teenagers.

archivebuildingsite · 28/04/2019 18:33

A friend of mine had a dad like that - fine until about age 10, then his relationship with all 3 kids deteriorated gradually and her only brother moved out at 17 and still saw his mum but not his dad - the dad died a few years ago without a reconciliation. The women tolerated him better but I'm not sure that's a good thing. He did mean well, but the road to hell and all that...

archivebuildingsite · 28/04/2019 18:39

I don't think you ever have to allow unlimited gaming btw, but children and teens need a degree of choice over their own free time activities and not to feel powerless.

Clear advance warnings are also important - nobody of any age likes being ordered to stop what they're doing immediately and do something of someone else's choosing. If he's gaming he's given a 30 minute warning or told to finish the round, just as if he's reading he's asked to stop at the end of the chapter, playing monopoly you forewarn that you'll be stopping after 2 hours not playing til everyone is bankrupt, and if you want him to get out of the swimming pool it's a 10 minutes warning or 5 more lengths, if he's playing kick about football a half hour warning, etc etc.

VladmirsPoutine · 28/04/2019 18:45

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule. My niece when 5 years old was given a choice and has turned into a fine young woman. It's something you have to play by ear - even now in our 30s I'll drag one of my sisters out against her wishes because she's prone to isolating herself as a consequence of bouts of depression.

Children should be aware of and have autonomy from a young age. It's of course about balance because I'd have been happy to drink coca cola and eat chips throughout my childhood had my parents not intervened.

RedSkyLastNight · 28/04/2019 18:47

I've actually found that not forcing DC of this age to go out means they are actually happier about choosing to come out some or most of the time.
If we had something like the "walk every day "regime that a PP mentions they might come out but would drag their feet and be grumpy which is really not pleasant for anyone.

DropZoneOne · 28/04/2019 18:49

I wouldn't have forced it. DD is 11 and some days in the holidays she just wants to relax at home. As long as it's not every day its fine. Have you never wanted a day to yourself to watch rubbish TV?

LL83 · 28/04/2019 18:53

I would allow ds to choose lazy day in this instance at the end of an active week, but dh would be right to insist on some fresh air if he wanted a lazy day every weekend or more than once in a while.

DontVisitMe · 28/04/2019 19:00

I can't imagine anything worse than a forced walk, every day, come rain or shine. That would have just made me hate my parents.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/04/2019 19:12

I wouldn't force the walk but strongly encourage it.
But l would force the coming off screens as they are rarely going to opt for outdoors if screens are available.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 28/04/2019 19:12

Your dh was right in principle but when it came to the execution he could not have been more wrong. If your ds is mid game and he is online with friends he can’t just let all his friends down and loose the game. What your dh should have done is said “ds you have been on there for quite a while now how long is this game likely to last?” Then when your ds replies he says “oh ok well after this game can you finish and come off so we can go for a family walk”. If he did it that way then there wold be no argument, no upset and a nice walk.

CripsSandwiches · 28/04/2019 19:22

Your DH was being unreasonable. I think it's fine to have limits on gaming time but these should be established in advance. Sound like DH was being overly authoritarian. At 12 there should still be boundaries and expectations but they shouldn't be ordered around and micromanaged like toddlers.

Vulpine · 28/04/2019 19:48

I'm with the dh. The kids mood was probably worsened by the excessive gaming and could have done with an outside break.

Still18atheart · 28/04/2019 19:51

Your Dh sounds like my parents growing up admittedly there was a dog to be exercised but my god. It put me off walking for the sake of it for a long time

Fizzyhedgehog · 28/04/2019 20:41

DS is 2 and gets a choice. If it's a lazy day and we've got nothing on, who cares?? If he wants to stay indoors and play, then so be it. I would probably ask again whether he wants to go outside a little later.
I had to go to the bank the other day. DS wanted a detour through the woods. It was pouring with rain and both of us got soaked (well, the waterproofs did). We went to the bank afterwards. No harm done. No issue.
I can't understand why a 12-year-old needs to be forced to go outside. My parents used to do that. Same with cleaning and gardening. I've avoided walks, excessive cleaning and mind numbingly boring gardening for years after moving out.

user1471426142 · 28/04/2019 21:02

Surely it’s all about balance. My children are a lot younger but we have some very active days and some lazy days at home. I love a good walk but I can’t imagine an enforced post dinner walk as per one of the PPs. What happens in winter when it’s dark? Can’t imagine trudging through the rain in the dark is that much fun every day.

tor8181 · 28/04/2019 21:08

from birth here(well from when they can talk)as children are people too that deserve the same respect as anyone else not just parents property to impost rules,punishment or your will on

we follow gentle parenting or peaceful parenting(google it) so dont parent the same as the majority

tor8181 · 28/04/2019 21:08

from birth here(well from when they can talk)as children are people too that deserve the same respect as anyone else not just parents property to impost rules,punishment or your will on

we follow gentle parenting or peaceful parenting(google it) so dont parent the same as the majority

pallisers · 28/04/2019 21:14

House rules are house rules. We have a family walk every day after dinner; everybody in the house comes rain or shine.

if I was a guest in your house would you make me go on a walk even if I didn't want to? When your children are in their teens are you going to make them go out for a walk after dinner - even if they don't want to?

I would very strongly encourage a child who was gaming all day to get the hell out of the house for a break. I might even have words about it. I'd probably not bother with a kid who had spent the week the way OP's son did though.

But in the end of the day around about the age of 12 it isn't just that you have to respect their choices - it is that you have to pick your battles and realise there is only so much you can force on a child. Better to expend energy getting them to understand why you want them to do things than dragging them around a park unwillingly.

Purpleartichoke · 28/04/2019 21:27

Getting outdoors does not make you a better person. Some people are refreshed by the action, but not everyone.

Getting outdoors means sunburn, bug bites, and this time of year, allergy hell, for many people, including many children.

I will admit I gave a chip on my shoulder about this right now since a pe teacher recently triggered the worst asthma attack of my dd’s life, by thinking it was a good idea for them to run outside on a high pollen day.

It’s perfectly reasonable to require your 12 year old to engage in some sort of physical
Activity on a regular basis, but the activity itself should be largely his choice (respecting budget and logistical constraints) and it’s ok to have a complete rest day once in a while.

Graphista · 28/04/2019 21:44

Your dh is setting up the perfect circumstances for putting your son/s completely OFF walking altogether which would be a shame and potentially off HIM!

He needs to learn about "picking his battles", that his son isn't his possession to control and has autonomy, that there's nothing wrong with a "day off" and that "being a walker" doesn't make him a better person than those that don't!

Too much time spent doing ANY activity is unhealthy, balance is what's healthy.

MinervaVause · 28/04/2019 23:45

A family walk every day after dinner wouldn’t be possible for a huge amount of families. We all walk through the door between 5.45-6.15pm after work/school/after school club. By the time dinner is done and cleared away, lunches made, homework done, a family walk is the last thing we want to do.

Op, your dh is being unreasonable. If your ds has had an active holiday, there is no reason to force him out on the one day he just wants to chill out. We all have days when we just want/need a duvet day and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Rosesaredead · 29/04/2019 02:35

Ugh my mum used to insist on a "family walk" every day and it was awful. As a teenager I wanted some freedom, space and respect to make my own decisions and this just made me feel undermined, bored and fed up. I loved sports and was very active so it's not like I needed the walk and the controlling nature of it was just one of the things that pushed me and my siblings away from her. I really feel like parenting like this is all for appearances and not for the benefit of the children. Once she made us do a sponsored walk which was so long, tedious and uncomfortable (hot summer) that we were in tears, but she didn't care because she could brag about it to friends and colleagues 🙄

Rosesaredead · 29/04/2019 02:38

I agree with a PP that children deserve respect as much as adults and shouldn't be bullied into doing things they really don't want to do just because 1) their parent wants to do it or 2) their parent thinks it makes them look good to others

Mummaofmytribe · 29/04/2019 02:51

My youngest son, now 18, has been a massive gamer for years. OH complained and criticised him constantly.
In the end I got cross: pointed out that he played football and basketball twice a week each. Walked to and from school every day. Played sport every lunch and break time. Entered every school sport tournament/competition: swimming, athletics, cricket etc. Swims in the town outdoor pool throughout summer.Always had a weekend/holiday job from age 14. Had a girlfriend right through his teens.
So he actually had a very busy, balanced life. It just happened that his big hobby was gaming. I just ended up really cross that OH could only focus on that.
I think as long as a kid has a balance and isn't plonked in their room online for hours a day to the exclusion of all else, then let them have some autonomy. My boy has grown into a great young fella with plenty of interests and lots of confidence.

sunbunnydownunder · 29/04/2019 03:43

I have an almost 12 year old, we are learning to choose our battles. We have explained to him that he will be allowed do his own thing sometimes but other times he will have to join the family with no tantrums or complaining. If kids are active and busy all the time, the odd day here and there of down time is fine.